New Year, Same Routine

Deep deep beneath the tough exterior, lays a young woman who wants her heart to skip when she see’s her man calling, to sometimes just chill at home and talk about nothing with him, to wake him up in the morning to a homemade breakfast which would include morning a treat. Unfortunately, I have wasted mornings like those on men who didn’t deserve it.

There was a time not too long ago, before the blogging and the Cereal dating, that I, yes I Silent Scorpion was just your typical dater. I would meet a guy and if I thought he was sweet enough, I’d cut off every other guy I was seeing. It was my normal routine to date only one guy at a time. Even if I wasn’t in a “relationship,” if I felt like that was the path I was on, I didn’t see the point in giving my number out to multiple men. One man was more than enough to occupy my already limited time. Fast-forward to today and that Silent is no more.

Early in 2008, after another one sided relationship, I realized what I was doing wrong and decided to do the exact opposite of what I was doing before. I've decided to share them with you so that you can get a better understanding of why I will not be changing anything for this New Year.



Assess my own flaws. It’s so easy to constantly point out what the other person is doing wrong and why it didn’t work. I make it a point to turn that finger on myself when necessary. I’m sure there were things I did that annoyed him and made him leave me waiting outside a movie theater.

Get out of my comfort zone and meet people. I had a bad habit of not going out and mingling. Or, I’d go out with the sole purpose of not meeting anyone. I’d bitch and complain about being single, and sit at home in my bed immediately following work. Currently I am somewhat of a social butterfly with shy tendencies. I also wouldn’t date outside my set list of requirements. From height to educational attainment, I have learned to be flexible.

Date more than one person at a time. I may have taken this one to the extreme at the end of 2009, but it has allowed me meet a lot of great people and relieved some of the pressure of focusing all my attention on one person.

Stop trying to change men. I kept trying to make apple pie out of rotten apples. I used to make excuses for the inexcusable and inconsiderate actions of men. Now I can see a Rockweiler for what he truly is even if he starts off acting like a Pomeranian.

Have fun! Dating can be such a pain (first fight) but it can also be quite exciting (first kiss). Whatever happens along the way, I learned to enjoy the ride without expectations of much more. Without constantly stressing over why things weren't working out the way I imagined and I'm happier because of it.

Currently I am seeing a few men; each one serving their purpose. As always I remain open to the possibility of finding just one great guy, but that needle is deep in the haystack and I'm done searching. If it knicks my toe one day then great I'm ready. As an avid reader, it may be hard to believe, but I would love to have just one man to call my own. But, I will not settle for any man who doesn’t cause my heart to skip a beat when he calls. Until then, in 2010, I will continue to follow the outlined guidelines above and remain Silent Scorpion, the Serial Dater.

Ps. I still haven't decided who I am spending New Years with. Lucky for me one is out of the country so I only have to deal with two.

Happy New Years!

Early Vacation

I will be taking the next two weeks off from blogging. Yes I have a lot to say, as usual, but there aren't enough hours in the day to write it. I need to rest too!

So, if I don't return until the New Year, you can always check out I Hate the Way You Eat Cereal for your Silent fix.

Love,

Silent aka Si Si

Sex, Samiches, Shut That Mouf by Mr. Fantastic

Greetings my weebles,

Tis I says me, the Extraordinary Gentleman Mr. Fantastic, here to deliver a public service announcement.


Recently, my dear friend wrote a note detailing steps a man should take as to not get caught cheating on his mate.

This message has been met with backlash from males and females because they felt too much of the game was being told. Further, people felt like it was promoting promiscuity in relationships. This is FALSE!! This is simply a guide for those who are cheating on their mates to move about doing so in a manner that leads to the least amount of conflict and drama. Cheating happens when one of the parties in the relationship is not being completely fulfilled by their mate.

"But Mr. Fantastic, how do I know if my my mate is happy??" I'm glad you asked, that is actually the point of this message. While the #1 way to assure of anything in a relationship is to ASK YOUR MATE WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY !!! You are not to blame if they don't tell you, but you are at least part to blame if you don't ask.

However, as a man, I feel I can give the women pointers on how to keep you man happy in a relationship. Feel free to agree or disagree, man or woman, I have found that most of these have stood the test of time.

*** THESE THINGS ARE NOT WHAT ATTRACTS A MAN TO YOU OR WHAT HE LOOKS FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP, SIMPLY WHAT WOULD KEEP HIM HAPPY IN A RELATIONSHIP ALL OTHER ASPECTS HAVE TO REMAIN CONSTANT FOR THIS TO WORK !!! FURTHERMORE, THE TITLES ARE SIMPLY FOR ALLITERATION PURPOSES ONLY, DON'T GET YOUR UNDER-ROOS IN A BUNCH !!

Now then, carry on children.

Sex - This is rather self-explanatory. If you're not having sex with your man he's PROBABLY not happy about it... Do better. Not saying you have to be a machine, but having a headache or being too tired 5 of 7 days a week ain't gonna cut it either. Also, know what he likes and try doing it. If he wants you to be double-jointed, that may be outta your hands, but if he just wants you to fondle his balls, grab a handful for love. And stop with never giving head thing, if you're in a committed relationship, in which you aspire to have grow to something more, you are almost certainly going to have to pop a dick in your mouth at some point. For the most part ladies, you would be livid if you never got your vagina licked for the rest of your days, we feel the same way.

Samiches - Again, for alliteration purposes this section is called Samiches. This is basically, be willing to cook for your guy. Nothin' says lovin' like some hot food. "But what if I can't cook??" That's fine, learn how to make a helluva samich. Be able to order his favorite pizza without always asking what he wants on it. And we're not asking for you to be Wolfgang Puck every night, but at least sometimes. We'll be willing to do (or attempt, for the culinarily challenged, like myself) the same for you.

Shut That Mouth - WHOA WHOA WHOA !!! I told you this was for alliteration purposes... Shut that mouth DOES NOT mean we want you going around being subservient cavewomens and the such. But much like there are times in which you simply don't have the time, patience or energy to deal with whatever it is we are going thru, there are times in which we don't want to talk. All we ask is that you be mindful of times that we don't want to talk right now. I don't need you to mind read, but if I say," I had a rough day at work, I just wanna relax a bit" or you KNOW I been waitin' on the Lakers game all week, don't choose right now to have to prioritize YOUR life over mine. I am more than willing at the conclusion of my event to talk to you about yours. If nothing is going to be able to be done about it between now and the end of the game or before I can throw back a drink and unwind, WHY burden me even more ??? Doesn't make much sense, now I am tuning you out or we're arguing and we BOTH feel worse AND I MISSED THE GAME !!!

That is basically it. I know you think there has to be more to men..... No, there's not. We're simple. Follow these steps and you can keep your male friend happy.

Take Notes: How to Cheat

I copied the following from a friends, friends' facebook page. Enjoy.
-------------

The following is a text from the girlfriend of a nigga that doesn't know the rules and how to handle his business to one of my oldest and dearest friends, Nay:


Yo____ I was tryin to be nice before and woulda figured that you have stopped cause right now ur disrespectin and i really don't appreciate that


Guys, if you insist on stepping out on your girl, please know that there are rules to this shit. If you follow the rules, everyone remains happy and no one (particularly you or your girl) gets hurt, because the chick on the side really doesn't give a fuck.

So here we go!


Phones:


If you're going out/spending the night with your sidepiece, call your girlfriend first. Spend atleast half an hour on the phone with her, and before you're about to get off the phone, kick some bullshit to her like,
"So you might not hear from me later because me, Craig an them are going to get drunk, and you know how I get with all that Hennessy/E&J (insert the Cognac of your choice) in my system. I might even sleep over at Craig's house if I'm too drunk, so don't be mad if I'm not able to talk to you later. "
Top that off with two sincere "I love you's" and you're good to go. Do not stray from this script.
If you say "Ok?" at the end, it leaves you open for questioning. You don't want that, right?


Vibrate, Vibrate, Vibrate ! This is key. When in the company of your girl (and sometimes your sidepiece because a lot of them don't know their places) keep your phone on vibrate always. Don't turn it off, that only raises suspicion. The ringer for your text messages should also vibrate. I highly doubt either chick will ask you why your phone isn't ringing. If she does, tell her something nice like,
"I don't want to be bothered when I'm chillin with you".
If the sidepiece asks you, tell that bitch to know her place.


Text Messages , Picture Mail, and VoicemailC'lawdhammercy, majority of you men don't know the first thing about this one. View/listen then DELETE . Or, if you have time, beat, then DELETE (bwahahaha), but always, what? Delete!!


Sex and Your Living Quaters:

Sidepiece spends time in only two areas, the bedroom and the bathroom. There's no need to be in the kitchen or anywhere else, right? (Please reserve kitchen sex for wifey. Some things should be left sacred, yknow?)So!

Bedroom

Have one set of sheets that you only use with your sidepiece. Assuming that you have sense and are calculating the times spent with sidepiece your bed should be made up for that ahead of time. As soon as you bring sidepiece home (or when she takes her damnself home) take off those sheets and put them in the washing machine. If you don't have access to wash clothes when you want to, get a special laundry bag and put them in there, and stuff that waaaaay in the back of your closet until you're able to wash.

Clothes

Whatever you wore while you were kicking it with Sidepiece, wash it. Makeup and perfume are a dead give away. Wash clothes immediately, or wrap it inside of your Sidepiece Sheets. Don't throw it on top .If your girl stumbles upon it, you're fucked, and it looks like you're hiding something.

Bathroom

Clean your bathroom throughly, even if sidepiece didn't shower or spend significant amount of time. If you're unable to give it a good cleaning, sweep and empty the trash. Here's why. I'm about 99% sure that Sidepeice was in there combing her hair. Hair sheds. Especially if you're dealing with a chick with a weave. All women know their own hair, even if it's not their own, per se. Do not let Sidepiece use your comb or brush either. Hair is a dead giveaway.

Other Things You Should Never Do

Never start an arguement with your main to go kick it w/ your sidedish. It's 2009, and all of us ladies know that when you start arguements it's because you're trying to get away from us.


If you get caught, always ask, "What led you to believe this?"
-If she's going off of her intuition, chances are you can lie (even though ya'll suck at lying) your way out of it.
-If she's going off of proof, just fess up, apologize, and do all that you can to make it up to her.
-If you've fucked up royally, tuck your tail between your legs, accept that you fucked up, and move on.


If you're lucky enough to be reading this before you've gotten in too deep with your girlfriend, but you know you plan on cheating on that ass anyway, don't always answer the phone. Let her know from the door you ain't really into phone convos like that, this way if you're one of those niggas that trick on hos and take them out, you don't have to run and answer her call all the time.

I think that's it.

And to my girls-- don't be mad at me. I didn't make any of this up, I learned it simply from watching and observing the niggas that I've dealt with. Always watch for the ones who are smart, handsome, and charming. They are the ones that know the rules and play them to a T!
Now that I've blessed you with all this information, everyone, step your game up!

Feeling Like a School Girl

That is all. Of course there is a story but I'm too secretive about this one to share...yet. Just know. I'm feeling like a school aged girl with a crush.

I miss this

Teaching lessons one pig at a time

This post is a follow-up to a Friday Rant post about a guy who likes to send late night grazing text messages. I finally decided that if this dude was going to continue with this nonsense I might as well kill two birds with one stone- I could have a little fun with him while simultaneously sending him a message.

10:19 p.m. "Hey Guy": Come over tonight
10:20 Me: What’s your address?
10:22 Hey Guy: My address is [dumb ass really sent me his home address] and [here are directions I didn’t ask for because he really thinks I'm on my way.]

My girl and I laugh as we get his hopes as I high as possible.

10:25pm Me: Alright I’ll be there in 10. What are we going to do?
10:27pm Hey Guy: I have lots of brand new screeners from online. So we can watch movies.

Right, you’re sending me your address at 10 p.m. so we can watch movies all night. My homegirl and I decided to make this a little more interesting.

10: 28pm: Me: Nice and after that?
10:28pm Hey Guy: Whatever you want…it doesn’t matter
10:30pm Me: Cool. I’ll wear something comfortable
10:30pm Hey Guy: k

He calls and my girl and I push the phone back and forth between one another until it stops ringing. When he calls back this time, my girl answers. Of course he doesn’t know it's not me, we haven’t spoken since we met two months ago. She tells him she is almost there but is losing service and will call back.

10:45 Me: You sure? Cuz we need to be safe. You’re gonna need to wrap it up. (I’m sure he almost choked when he read this but we were just getting started.)
10:46 Hey Guy: You don’t need to bring anything
10:49 Me: Alright. Just checkin. Cuz I like to have fun. You have toys we can use?
10:50 Hey Guy: Just come
10:52 Me: I hope I can, over and over and over

He calls my cell again, I don’t answer this time.

10:53 Me: Let me in

Meanwhile, I’m actually at a fight party laughing at this entire exchange with my homegirl and grubbin on cold enchiladas.

10:53 Hey Guy: The code is xxxx

The "Hey Guy" calls again, I pass my phone to Detroit and tell him to answer. (We can discuss why I was hangin out with him another time.) He’s so drunk at this point he doesn’t even question me. After letting the guy know that “Silent is busy and can’t come to the phone,” the Hey guy hangs up.

You can believe I don’t get those random text messages in the middle of the night anymore.

Guest Blogger: How to Keep Your Man from Cheating

The Artist Formerly Known as Crabby Cancer was so moved by Younbuck's post that she sent in some tips on how to keep your man in check.

It's true. A woman would be naive to think that once they are in a relationship, their man would stop thinking about other woman. I know it's possible that my man may think about other women; the key is to let your man know that you will CUT him if he goes beyond thinking. Remind him of that every once in a while in subtle ways:

*Play Kelis' "Caught Out There"

"So sick of your games,
I'll set your truck to flames,
And watch it blow up, blow up, (ha ha)
Tell me: How you go'n see her now"

*Watch "A Thin Line Between Love And Hate"

Just think Brandi (Lynn Whitfield) and flash forward to Darnell (Martin Lawrence) in the hospital. You get my drift.

*Watch an episode of Cheaters and remark how the girl "underreacted"

*Cut a banana in front of him

Do this every two months, and you should be fine.

Guest Blogger: YoungBuck

I have a few guy friends and I personally thing they give the best advice on their complicated and weird species. Here is snippet from a conversation I had with my friend YoungBuck the other day:

Guys never stop thinking about other women. That’s just a fact of life. We all can choose whether we will cheat though. That’s about self control. I have come to that realization
It took me till 28-29 to figure that out. Before I realized that I would just cheat and not think about it. I thought that because I thought about other girls that I wanted to do them. So I would. Yes so being faithful is a choice. It doesn't just naturally happen. I always thought it was suppose to naturally happen like I was all of a sudden gonna stop thinking about other girls.

Is this true for all men? Ladies, how do you feel? Do you feel this way too?

I’ll do a separate post with my response next week.

Text Message: I want to see you

So what the heck are you waiting for? An open invitation? Don’t you know the old cliché ‘Closed mouths don’t get fed.’

No I don’t think it’s cute that you are telling me what you want. I think it’s sexy if you told me when it’s going to happen.

How bout the next time you feel yourself about to send a message like this, you ‘clear field’ and replace it with the following:

1. I want to take you out again this Saturday.
2. When do I get the pleasure of your company? Are you free at 8?
3. Does this afternoon work for you, I want to make you dinner. *Pause* Only send this message if you are absolutely sure the girl is feeling you.
4. Let’s go [insert a common activity of interest] this Friday.

Do you notice what all of these statements have in common? They are full of confidence. They tell me that you’re sure I’d want to go out with you again. They show me you’re man enough to set up the date instead of filling my inbox with fluff.

A guy sent me this message yesterday. I kindly told him to CALL me when he wanted to make it happen. He must not realize a) I don’t text date and b) I’m not stroking his ego this early in the game.

Geesh!

How to score a second date

Just ask. Shocking I know. Sometimes the simplest advice is the best advice. If you are feeling a girl and the date was cool, ask her out again at the end of the date. If you like her, what are you waiting for?

Here are some clues to look for throughout the date to let you know if she is going to respond in your favor.

1. Making references to future plans -Next time we go out, we should go Hal’s, it’s a really nice jazz restaurant. It really is too.
2. Character statements-You’ll find out, I’m a really nice girl.
3. Do you want to come inside? Hit it and store the number, you can at least add her to the rotation.

If you are feeling a girl, save both of you the trouble and stress of wondering if you like each other. Ask her out towards the end of the date. If she says no, at least you know now not to spend another minute thinking about her.

Friday Rant: Darkside followup

After reading Grace’s post yesterday, it really got me thinking. The comments on her post by men, was not of disgust at her outright disdain for lighter tone men. Instead, she was flooded with requests for a response by the men she left out. It just made me wonder, what if her post was written by a dark skin black man. Instead of it being a lighter toned woman praising dark skin men, what if it was a dark skin man, praising lighter toned women. Would the post have been so readily accepted without backlash from dark skin black women? The answer is undoubtedly no! Black woman would have ripped him to shreds. They would immediately be dismissed as sellouts who don’t love themselves, a man who needs validation, etc, etc, etc. Why can’t a black man write the same post, without getting side eyes from his Nubian queens?

As a mid-tone, brown skin, caramel woman (I’ve been called all of the above so you pick.) I feel a sense of pride when someone voices their love for my tone. Yesterday on twitter I posed a Silent Question of the Day: Do you have a preference when it comes to skin tone?

“Brown skin girls walk with this rhythm I still can’t explain to this day. Kryptonite. :(“

I secretly shouted ‘that’s right!’ when I read this reply. I mean I should take pride in it right? Shouldn’t it be as tolerable for a light skin woman or man to do the same when someone claims their tone is more likeable?

Darkside...pt2

Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, caramel, mocha, pecan, black licorice. It doesn't matter what flavor or shade of chocolate you are, I enjoy the entire rainbow. Speaking as a woman who has dated all shades of men, including men of other races, I have concluded that men are men. I for one don't care what shade you are as long as you're not ugly. Yeah, I said ugly. I have no quorums in admitting I don't date ugly. Ugly has no color. Assholes have no color. Vain men have no color. Cockiness has no color. Masculinity has no color.

I don't believe in the stereotypes that one shade is more shady, more masculine, more [insert skin tone stereotype] than the other. I think each man has his own issues and skin complexion doesn't make you more or less appealing for me. I have other measurements for that. If for some reason I did hold those stereotypes about men, near and dear, I couldn't be upset if a man said he only dated or didn't date women with my skin complexion because I help validate their blackness (truestory), lighter toned women are not as mean as dark skin women (truestory) or that dark skin women are not as beautiful (truestory times 10.) I don't blame anyone for seeking out the aesthetic qualities that get them going. I have mine too, complexion just happens not to be one of them.

I think our complexion is the beauty of being black, there is just no one thing. We come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and shades, and each one is amazing and unique! Well, we may have to do a different post on shapes and sizes, because I definitely have preferences on those...but no matter what the shade, I'll take a GOOD man any day.

Check out my other blog ihatethewayyoueatcereal for part 1 and 3

Little Willy

Ahhh Pepito. That was his name. Really, that was his nickname. Little did I know, it held so much significance to him physically. Pepito had the body of a track star, face of a model and lips like well you know. He knew what to do with those lips. I was so blinded by his looks, yes women date based on just looks too, that I wasn't worried about anything else. In hindsight I should have seen the signs; they were so clear, but my young self didn't know all that I know now. I feel its necessary to share some wisdom with my younger, less experienced female readers. (I'm not that experienced don't get me twisted, just very attentive to little things.)

The first thing I noticed but just chopped up to being a gentleman and possesing a lot of self control was he...

Moved slow

We were dating for a few months before he tried anything, I mean anything on me. I'm not saying I need a man to rip my clothes off on a first date. But after several dates, I need to know that you are interested in me sexually. Even when we did get closer I never questioned why he was so....

Eager to please

Why would I? I was enjoying myself and all I had to do was sit back and relax. Now this doesn't mean that all men with little penises are all experts at Oral Sex but boy will they try their hardest and go for a loooonnng time. After he's done he'll just want to cuddle. I should have noticed from our previous conversations that he...

Never discusses his member

Normally when I'm dating a man for a long period of time, he will make some type of reference to his penis. He will brag about the width, the gurth or tell me how well he knows how to use it. But men with small penises act like it doesn't exist. The biggest sign of all was...

He has a BIG ego

and not the type Beyonce was singing about. This man overcompensated in other parts of his life. He drove a big truck, wore big shoes (its LA, why are you always wearing Tims) and talked a big game. Ladies, big hands does not always mean he has a big friend. The only thing you can only be sure of is that he wears big gloves.


I believe its okay to stop all sexual activity and walk out on this type of man. Trust me, he's use to it. He even has a pep talk for himself after you leave. Once youre gone he will chant all of his other qualities and hope one day he finds a woman who doesn't run as soon as they feel his shortcomings, like I did.

I said: "We're moving way too fast. We need to stop."
Translation: What the funk is that? A pencil??!?! Where is your penis?"

In HER Inbox

I stole this from Kerry Crenshaw over at IHATETHEWAYYOUEATCEREAL

Awwwww this one is so sweet I started smiling and just had to share:

I hope all is well with you in XXXXXXXX. I miss our conversations; your brilliant, witty, yet ironically subdued intellect; your laugh & how you’d sometimes give me a hard time and ACT like you could care less, just because you are (K.C.)…

I know this all sounds wack, but yes I miss my homie friend .

I kinda found myelf daydreaming about, well, YOU for what had to have been about 2mins…which is hella long in real time. So I thought I’d write you to tell you that I am proud of you, I am praying for you, and that i still think you are one of the sexiest women I know.

Work hard…Play just as hard (every once and a while though lol)

-XXXXX

And that my dear friends is how you do it!

Randomness: Booty Booty Booty

A friend sent this picture to the left and the comment it received to my inbox moments ago.

"Her ass is simple amazing, something like a masterpiece. Her ass needs to be given much critical praise, I consider one of gods greatest works of art...Outstanding, powerful. Someone needs to write a book about her ass!"

I'd really like to know from a male's perspective what the big deal is about having a big ass. I was fortunate to have a nice size derriere so I have never had any complaints. Depending on who I'm standing next to or what I'm wearing I can go from Gabrielle Union looking ass to Ms. Traci Ellis Ross looking ass. Why do some men lose their minds when they see a big ass?

What's the big ASS deal?

Why are some men breasts men and some booty men?

Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program

Earlier this week I said I was going to stop writing until I had some good news. Well my life isn’t ever that black and white and I can’t still long enough for a clear definition of good news to happen. Also, since I can’t talk to the majority of my national friends over the phone, I started this blog for. I blast myself on the internet to give them access into my world.

Something positive did happen but I don’t want to go into too much detail just yet. Have you ever not wanted to speak about something good because you were too afraid you were going to jinx it, well that’s what’s going on now. One of the guys I have ranted about numerous times has done the unthinkable. It’s a good unthinkable though; something totally out of his character. When I finally tell you what it is next week you probably won’t think it’s that big of a deal. But when this guy decided to change the major complaint I have about him for over a year, for me, I take note. I have made note and it is greatly appreciated. We won’t be testing out this new change until next week, which is why I’m so apprehensive about writing what it is he did.

Stay tuned because either way, I will have a post about it next week. Until then, I do have a few things to get off my chest this week. I know its already mid week but I’m in the mood for writing. So you’ll see at least 3 new posts from me following this. I hope you’re still reading.

Untitled

To all my readers, aka the few people who have found this blog, thank you for following my sometimes interesting dating life. I don't know if I've been especially picky lately or if nice men are avoiding me, but all of my posts lately have been male bashing. I don't want you to think that I hate all men. I don't. I just don't have time or the patience for bullshit or incompatability. So until I have something nice to say, I wont say anything.

Hopefully that means you will hear from me sooner than later with some kind of hopeful story. Until then, I need a break from the madness that is my dating life.

P.S.

I am bipolar sometimes, so you may see a rant from me before the week is over. I get so much material from the men I surround myself with.

::sigh::

Temporary Truths & Lying by omission

A lie is a lie is a lie. Temporary truths are those little white lies that males use to buffer what they know will lead to an awkward situation and an uncomfortably judgemental conversation with their female companion. They know that if they divulge the entire truth, it may compromise their chances of getting some. Especially if they are on the right path.

This one guy I dated a while back was the King of temporary truths. What he didn’t realize was that ultimately the complete truth would come to light. I feel like guys think it’s okay to tell these types of truths because they’re technically true… well, depending on what day of the week you ask.

I have my own place.

Temporary independence is not gonna work. I had a guy tell me once that since he was having problems with his roommate, and was gonna have to move in and sleep on his homeboys couch.

I just lost my job.

Liar, you lost your job 2 years ago. Way before the recession hit.

I don’t have any kids.

Now this is technically true since your ex girlfriend is 6 months pregnant and has yet to give birth to your little girl.

I haven’t had sex in a while.

His excuse after arriving way before you were even close. You realize after the fourth disappointing performance, that the reason he hasn’t had sex in a while, is because he’s a selfish one minute man.

Understand this, little white lies or temporary truths are still lies. Keep it 100 and we should be fine.

Am I too picky??

At first I was really excited to write about my date Sunday. I was more excited about blogging about it, then actually going on it. Which was problem number one. Problem number two, the guy and I had nothing in common. I mean absolutely nothing. I walked away from it feeling, well nothing. The details of the date aren’t that important but I’ll give you a brief summary.

Originally our date was supposed to be just the two of us. You know a normal date with just two people. A date which happened to be on his birthday. It wasn’t until later he asked if he could change it into a group dinner. I couldn’t fathom saying no, so I agreed. I brought Grace along so I wouldn’t be alone on this escapade.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t a nice guy because he did his best to make myself and Grace feel comfortable. He told us we could order whatever we wanted and that it was on him. But between his lack of working car, a career (or at least path) at almost 30, a home of his own and his addiction, yes I said addiction, to smoking weed, I just couldn’t conceive going on a date two. Grace tried to convince me to give him another chance, but going on a second date with me, isn’t going to change those things. His laid back personality had trickled into other parts of his life and I can’t stick around for that ride.

Since I learned all this on the first “date” I was through. This to me was another failed hookup. Am I being too harsh? Should I go on a second date? It’s not like he didn’t have good qualities. He was cute, very genuine and welcoming and I caught him blessing his food. All brownie point worthy, right?

Friday Rant

I was in the middle of studying and a guy sends me a text message.

Time: 10:39pm (Strike number one, why are you texting me so late?)

Guy: Hey

(I needed a distraction so against my better judgement and knowing that this was probably a mass text seeing as I hadn't talked to this guy in 2 weeks, I repleid)

Me: Hey

Guy: What are you up to tonight?
(Strike 2 and 3 - Why are you asking me what I'm up to at 11pm?)

Me: Studying

He never responded. I already knew what was up from jump but I wanted to see how it was going to play out. This is why I don't date. I keep meeting these lame ass men.

5 Signs You're Going to have a Starring Role

Recently, a man from my past has decided he wants to revisit our “relationship” but is half stepping in his approach. Since I don’t believe in going above and beyond when the other party is slacking, I had to make it clear what was and wasn’t going to happen between us at this point.

After hanging out a couple of times, I could tell he wasn’t getting the hint that I wasn’t going “there” with him this early even though we had been “there” several times before. So when he invited himself over to come over and watch a movie with me, I made no effort to be attractive. He came in to find me in my most comfortable (and unflattering) pajamas, un-matching socks and my hair wrapped in my purple bonnet.

Sidenote: Even when I am comfortable with a guy, I don’t pull out the bonnet until its time to sleep. The Aunt Jemima look is not exactly my idea of setting the mood. If I plan on engaging in physical activities, I’ll make sure to have my silk pillow ready to protect my uncovered coif. If the guy really puts in work and makes me forget all about my hair, it won't matter that I sweated out my fresh do and have to wear a pony tail for 2 weeks. As long as the defilement of my fresh hair was worth it, this black girl can rest easy knowing hat her locks were a casualty of satisfying pleasure.

The PJs and bonnet didn’t slow down his advances, so I bluntly told him that nothing was popping off between us so he should slow down and watch the movie. It’s funny to me because I thought he would have picked up on the, ‘you aint getting any’ clues. Guys, if you want to know if a girl is ready or wants to go there when you visit her at her home for a movie night, pay close attention to her verbal and her non verbal cues. If she does at least 2 out of the following 5, she is probably waiting for you to make your move. (The rules only apply if you have already moved passed 2nd and/or 3rd base and aren't sure if you're being waved into homeplate.)

1. She invites YOU over for movie and snacks. Aint no woman willingly going to introduce the idea of missing a free meal unless she has other intentions. Obviously she wants to do things with you, you can’t do in a restaurant.

2. If she’s wearing spandex or tights when you come over, skip the movie and head straight to third base. She’s showing off her silhouette so you can imagine what she looks like undressed.

3. She makes sure you know that her roommate isn’t coming home tonight. Since this may be the first time, she needs to test how loud she can get, without worrying if her roommate is being noisy and listening in.

4. If she’s wearing any hint of make-up it means she wants to look refreshed and polished for you to even though ya’ll aint leaving the house.

5. She’s playing music, candles are lit, and the lights are off. Do I really need to tell you, you aren’t watching the whole movie tonight? If any of the three mood setters are already in motion when you arrive, I hope you brought protection cuz its goin’ down. Even Stevie Wonder would be checking his pockets for Magnums.

So when the opportunity to "hang out" with your lady friend arises, look out for these clues and you can save you both the anxiety: Her from wondering when you’re gonna make a move and you from stressing about whether or not she wants you to. You can thank me later.

FYI: The PJs and bonnet rule doesn't apply for serious relationships.

Friday Rant: Confession

CONFESSION: I am playing with fire and hoping not to get burned. I met a man. From what I've learned so far he's just my type. A little dorky but with style, smart but not pretentious, and cute but not a pretty boy.

Sounds like I should be excited right, wrong. This guy has obliterated my #1 deal breaker. Nothing has happened between us but I am not helping the situation by flirting. Without heels, I am at least a few inches taller than him. I think. I won't let myself see him in person again because it is so much easier to pretend the height difference doesn't exist versus attacking it head on.

We send each other friendly texts throughout the day. I know I should stop now before it goes any further. But a part of me wants to see what's gonna happen. The other part of me doesn't want to use him in my self inflicted experiment. I would feel horrible if I hurt anyone in the process of finding out about myself. What kind of person dates someone to test their own values?

I keep changing the subject when he asks to see me again. What should I do?

Hi Stranger

In my inbox: Hi Stranger

A guy I’ve been seeing off and on for the past year (more off than on) sent me the ‘Hi Stranger’ message. Against my better judgment I replied. Immediately changing the subject to more current subject like “How was your day?” After a few short exchanges, he replied with, “You know you owe me a visit.”

Do you want to guess how I replied?

If you’ve been paying attention to my posts, you know I didn’t.

If you ever get the urge to send this to an ex female companion, DON’T. An out of the blue message, or phone call (I don’t think I’ve stressed the importance of a voice conversation enough) should be original. Those two words should not be put together in an openining message; especially when you know why you two no longer speak. The reason it’s such a bad idea is because it has a slight hint of finger pointing. The person sending the message has obviously been thinking about the receiver and instead of just stating that, they question why they have been M.I.A.

Since you obviously plan on rekindling an old flame, know that isn’t going to happen if your opening line is about as original as a Diddy LP.

Introducing the remix. The following are messages that I have received, that made me think, “Whatever happened between us, maybe I should call him back.”

“If you’re not too busy, I’d love to take you out and catch up.” –You’ve already shown that you are not just trying to get in my pants, but that you genuinely want to talk and hear what I have to say. Even if you plan on trying to hit the next time, it’s tolerable since you have fed me. It's a win win.

“How are you doing these days? How is your sister?” –Any reference to my family is both heart warming and shows you didn't confuse me with another girl you used to hang out with that was an only child. It also shows that this is not a mass text message. You know how I have a detective eye for those.

“Are you free tonight? I have a ticket to a Lakers game.” –I’m dropping everything now to pick YOU up. Not only do you remember that I love sports (or whatever activity she may like) but you took the initiative to set up an outing I’d most definitely enjoy.

The Thrill is in the Chase

Recently I was lucky enough to attend the Goapele concert at LA Live. I must say that this woman is a beautiful performer who let her kind spirit shine through her performance. Even with the constant adoration of the nights MC, Goapele seemed unfazed about the well deserved compliments she received before she hit the stage. During her set I stood as far to the front of the pack as I could. Although I felt like I was standing in a sauna in the dully lit and unventilated pit, I didn’t miss a word when singing her songs.

Earlier in the night I noticed a fair skinned, slim, gentleman in a striped sweater who must have been at least 6 ‘4” standing near the bar having a drink with his friends. When I walked pass his group, all heads turned my way. The attention was well appreciated but I wasn’t checking for any of them. I smiled as I walked by and mouthed the words ‘Hi,” in their direction. I made no distinction in regards to who my gesture was intended for. At that point it wasn’t intended for anyone. I mean Mr. Stripes was cute but he didn’t seem like my type.

After Goapele’s set was over, I positioned myself back at the bar near the balcony with my girl Carerra for the remainder of the evening. While we chatted about the lack for potential flirting and our plans for following day, I noticed that mister stripes was looking my way. I smiled his way and continued my conversation with Carerra. I figured if he wanted to say something, he would come over. A few moments later I noticed a girl standing next to him. I’m not sure when she arrived, but she didn’t leave his side for the remainder of the night. I couldn’t tell if he already knew her or if they had just met. As the night continued, we continued to lock eyes across the bar.

At one point he left his companions side and came my way. He walked from one side of the bar towards me, I looked away and before I knew it he was outside. The weird thing is he came right back inside through the opposite doors.

Was he waiting for me to look at him again?

I wasn’t sure what was going on so I didn’t move. Plus I have a habit of freezing up and turning away when I notice a cute guy coming my way.

Mr. Stripes made his way back inside and to his pack. I didn’t know what was going on. There was no apparent reason for him to have gone outside, since he didn’t even stop to speak to anyone. I concluded that he was waiting on me to say something, which I didn’t.

For the next hour I waited for his female companion to leave his side so I could make my move. I mean, if he had just met her that night, then he is fair game. She never left his side and my eyes never left his direction. It was kind of thrilling to occasionally catch his eye when she wasn’t looking. Hell, he was looking my way even when she was.

After the concert was over, I caught one more glimpse of the fine specimen that was Mr. Stripes and left the theater.

The evening made me think about the old saying, you don’t want something til you can’t have it. I’m sure I could have made a move earlier in the evening, but I didn’t want him til I knew I he couldn’t be mine.

Friday Rant: Why I don’t date backwards

Once men have been let in to the place where you dwell and have gone “there” with you, they don’t think it’s important to do all those things they did to grab your attention. There is someone, who at this point will remain nameless because I still like him, who has been coming around again.

My only issue with this rekindling is he is either he is half stepping or he just wants to be friends. Either way, I am confused as to what he wants. His infrequent messages about hanging out are no longer appealing to me.

If you want to be just friends, then say that. If you want more than say that too.

This year I will no longer be left in the dark when it comes to what a man wants from me. If you want this to go somewhere, tell me now. If not, thats cool too. I’m okay with being just friends. But if you want more, don’t think you don’t have to start from the beginning. I don’t “kick it,” “hang out,” etc if we are dating. If we are friends, spending a Sunday watching football is lovely.

Remember, if you root against my team when we are watching the game, I will raise hell. You have been warned.

Go Chargers!

Deal Breakers - You must be this tall to ride

For some, skin complexion, weight, bad breathe (this should be on the list for everyone), a body part size (ie. butt, breasts, penis, etc) are dating deal breakers that no amount of chemistry can conquer.

I maintain a list of what are clearly superficial dating criteria that I stick to no matter what. I make no apologies for my tastes or preferences even with the disagreement of close friends. “You shouldn’t have such shallow deal breakers," friends plead. Too bad I'm stubborn.

Height is the number one physical characteristic I won’t budge on. (Weight comes in at a close second.) I wont date a man who isn’t at least my height or taller. I stand proudly and confidently at 6 foot without heels. Only once in my dating history have I made an exception. This guy was fine as wine, coming in at only 5 foot 11 inches. That was about the shortest guy I've dated in in my 24 years on this earth.

Of course after I get past the trivial outward appearances of a potential suitor, my list includes more valuable criteria such as a sense of humor, family values and sexual chemistry. Before I can get to those though, he needs to be able to look me in my eyes, without him breaking his neck because of our height difference. I then move from physical characteristics to certain behaviors and personality traits.

Bad taste in clothes, different religion, age, kids, race, money, opposing political views, level of educational attainment, proximity and current living situation are all dating deal breakers for a variety of people. I don't care much about the preceding. On the other hand I am a stickler for proper grammar and feel that text messages are a great way to weed men out. I know, not all people proof their text messages, but there is something to be said for thinking before pressing reply. For actually caring what type of messages you put out into the universe. If I receive a "LOL" in reply to every text message joke I crack, I will assume that you have exhausted your vocabulary at this age and need more time to brush up on the English language before speaking with me again. Constantly using the wrong “too” or “to” is something I'd be willing to work with.

Of course, our standards for what's acceptable and what's deal-breaking depend on how into the person we are. If I’m completely infatuated with someone, I may look over the fact that he occasionally lights a cigarette when he is stressed. However I would be sure to keep a pack of mints in my purse at all times.

I think it’s a good exercise to list your own deal breakers. It helps identify and analyze your own flaws. I could be a good contender with Tyra Banks in a battle for who has the largest head, am usually prompt and expect those around me to be the same, lack patience (I’m working on it but it’s a work in progress) and have feet the size of USS ships, which for some may be a deal breaker. I don’t plan on changing any of those characteristics to please someone else, but I do recognize that I have flaws as well.

When you meet or date a new guy or girl, which idiosyncrasies are okay and which ones send you head first in the opposite direction? Do you have a physical characteristics you expect your mate to posses?

Friday Rant

The following message was sent via email:

Subject: (no subject)
Man it's been to long... I would like to see u but..........

Let me complete that sentence for you...

but I don't have enough confidence to ask you out again.

but I realized that you aren't that interested so I won't go any further than sending you this email. I finally learned my lesson from all of those unanswered text messaages.

but I understand that I need to work on some self esteem issues before I step to you. Especially since I am sending this message to you via email instead of picking up the phone and calling like a real man.

but I know you like literate men and I don't seem to know the difference between "to" and "too." [<----pet peeve] Instead of completing this sentence I'm going to go pick up a 5th grade English book and teach myself the basics. (I really hope this was what he chose to do.)

I'm glad he talked himself out of finishing that sentence otherwise I would have had to complete it for him using one of the above.

Second Date: It's Cool I Got It

Picture this: You had such a great time, or it was at least bearable and have decided to go out again. This time I try something a little different. The most common reaction I have gotten is a look of surprise when I pull out my credit card. I then watch my dates face cringe and twist into ways I’ve never seen before. Most of the time when I say, “It’s cool I got it,” my male dates don’t know how to act but that’s not always the case.

“Oh really, you got it, cool?” (While looking relieved they don’t have to use their last few dollars on one dinner.)

“Ummm, no that’s okay. I got it.” (While giving me the, ‘I’m a man and I’m here to take care of you’ look.)

“Well let me at least take care of the tip.” (While looking a bit defeated but wanting to at least contribute to our meal.)

I always pay close attention to theses responses. Now mind you, I won’t pull my credit card out if I don’t actually have some type of interest in the guy I am sharing a table with. If I have absolutely no interest in seeing you again, trust me, I aint budging when the check comes.

If you utter any words that sound remotely like this before I willingly pull out my credit card : “You got this one right, since I paid for the last one, right?!?!?!” you better believe, no I aint got it and yes this is the last time I will be seeing you.

Why is it that some men feel so emasculated by a woman paying the bill while others expect their dates to contribute at least something or even half the time? I know after my experience earlier this year I will no longer pay for a first date.


I personally don’t like paying when I feel it is expected, but I don’t mind picking up a few bills every once in a while since I recognize that dating is expensive. I actually think women should sincerely offer to pick a bill when dating. Men shouldn’t always be expected to pull out their credit cards but men should know how much they can and cannot afford and stay within those boundaries. I don’t need an expensive date to have fun.

Creativity is attractive.

What is your opinion? Does Ne-Yo have it right?

Ladies, How many times have you said, “Its cool, I got it.”

Should women pay for half of dates?

Bedroom Etiquette 101

I thought this was hilarious so I'm reposting it here. My girl SAM JONES wrote this for my other blog http://www.ihatethewayyoueatcereal.wordpress.com. I thought I'd post 101 because I have been inspired to write a 201.

Bedroom Etiquette 101
Submitted by: SAM JONES

Here’s a few things that really grind my gears in the bedroom. Men please pay attention…

Before:

Fresh Breath- Do I even need to elaborate?

Socks- No socks please. However if you feet look like the Crypt Keeper please keep them on.

“Magnums I hope”- Good for you, men who can fit them, but if you can’t, please don’t embarrass yourself by putting one on… smh

*
During:

Easy on the dirty talk- I understand that some men and women need the sex talk to get them “there,” but I don’t need to have a full on conversation with you during this time. Keep it short and sweet.

Don’t make excuses- If your battleship went down too soon, don’t make excuses. It happens to best of them, just make sure you can set sail again (preferably within the next 15 mins).

After:
Remove your “gear”- Please don’t sulk in your “happy juice”

*
No post ejaculation phone usage- I understand we just finished and im sure you’ve missed some calls/texts/Twitter updates but umm your still inside of me, put the phone down!

*
Ladies what are some of your bedroom pet peeves?
[My response to this question coming soon!]

First Date: It's Cool You Got It

Picture this: You’re out on a first date with a person I hope you have some interest in. The waiter will come to the table to drop off the bill. Nine times out of ten, if they are a woman, they will place the bill directly in front of the male. If it is a male waiter, there is a 50/50 chance that the bill will be placed at the center of the table or directly in front of the male. I have rarely ever gone out and found that a waiter or waitress places the bill in front of the woman.

What you do at this point says a lot about your character. (Both male and female)

If I’m not interested, the scenario will play out like this and believe that I’m so smooth, I won’t even flinch. I’ll look you straight in your eye and wait for your response. The bill will be placed at the table and I will continue our conversation as if nothing has happened. If he is a gentleman, he will immediately pick up the bill, without looking completely disgusted at our total, place his AMEX or Visa inside the folder and continue our conversation. I have a sly way of checking out what type of tip is left as well- points will be docked from cheap asses immediately.

Who should pay for a first date? Should the person that extended the invitation pay?


Call me old fashioned, or a penny pinchin copper (I know its a recession) digger but I think a man should always pay for a first date. I’m all for exerting my independent nature in other areas of my life, but when it comes to dating, I like to be treated like a lady.

Clearly there will be some women who will insist on paying for the first date, but I think a good rule of thumb for men is to assume he’s paying. Its a simple gesture but it says so much. It shows that a man can lead and has the instinct to provide. If on a first date I get any indication that he is a tightwad, it will probably be our last date.

Paying has nothing to do with the money, I just appreciate being treated with some degree of chivalry.

Originally Posted in July

Conversations with my Voicemail

Meet a nice girl: smart, outgoing, attractive. You had a nice conversation, flirted a bit, so on. Got her telephone number before you parted ways, and right before she left she goes "You're going to call me, right?” A few days later you call her (instead of texting first, good job!) but you get her voicemail.

“Hi you've reached Silent. Please leave a message after the tone.” [beeeeepp]

This is not an open invitation to tell her everything that is on your mind in 60 seconds or less. If you just obtained her phone number 2 days prior and she already has a voicemail detailing the reasons you two would be great together, then not only will you not receive a return call, she will also play your psychotic voicemail to all of her friends.

After hearing this voicemail online, I feel the need to intervene. Guys, I didn’t think I would have to do this but it seems some of ya’ll need some phone etiquette.

1.) Please leave a voicemail. Don’t assume that I received a miss call from you. Even though I have the best phone service provider, I don’t get every missed call.
2.) Keep it brief. Just because my system allows for long messages, doesn’t mean this is your opportunity to share your mini bio.
3.) Keep compliments pertaining to any physical body part that kept you reeling the rest of the evening off my voice messaging system. Its just plan perverted.
4.) Don’t give me a deadline. Are we serious?!?! This has really happened to me and some of my friends.
5.) Leave your name and phone number so I can return your call. Again this goes back to assuming I have a missed call from you.

If she doesn’t return your call within 2-3 days, she probably wasn’t that interested. DO NOT CALL HER AGAIN.

Here’s a general rule of thumb: Don’t call a girl more than twice without a returned call. Forget about her and get another girls number. If she calls back then now you have 2 girls.

Fridat Rant

This entire conversation was had via Blackberry Messenger (bbm)

Guy: What's up stranger?

Me: Hey

Guy: How are you?

Me: I'm good

Guy: Are you engaged? Who's the lucky guy?

Me: huh....(pause)..oh

(My bbm screenname is currently "Future Mrs. Mehcad Brooks")

Me: I'm not engaged

Guy: Oh..lol

Me: I gotta go, ttyl

Why did he come out of hiding (we haven't talked in months) when he thought I was getting married? If I had said yes I'm engaged, what would he have done with that information? As a woman, I would not, and did not, contact the guy I use to date when I found out he was engaged. When I saw him in person I made sure to say congratualtions because I was happy for him, (and since I was the last girl he dated before he met his wife.) But I wouldn't contact someone I casually dated for a few months.

Am I missing something here? I hope that doesn't mean he plans on keeping me in his little black book. You know the book you dust off when all the new people you meet aren't working out and you decide to call up an old flame to try again.

Septemeber Recap

So somehow I took a step back but still stood my ground with who I allowed in my life. I spent some time with Mr. AOS this Labor Day weekend. He hasn't changed a bit. He is still charming and comical but our meeting ended with the same argument. (It wasn't really an argument, it was more of a 'I'm no doing what you want me to do' conversation.) Mr AOS wanted me to visit him in the valley after I picked him up from the airport and spent the entire day with him. He's lucky I didn't have other plans, otherwise I would not have seen him this weekend. When I told him I would no longer be driving out to see him in the valley until he visited me in L.A., he was displeased to say the least. He isn't use to me saying no to his requests.

Mr. AOS insisted that I compromise on the sitution. Unfortunately he has no true understanding of what compromise is. Mr. AOS wants to go back to the way things were before, where if I wasn't doing anything I would drive out to see him. It didn't matter what time it was, I would hop in my car and truck to the Valley. That was at least an hour drive from my old place.

I'm not that same person anymore. I'm willing to compromise by my definition and on my terms. I'm so glad I snapped outta that mess! If he wants to see me, he can come out here. Otherwise, he can have a good life. Without me.

Honestly I'm not concerned with him or anyone else. I'd rather focus on setting my goals and accomplishing them. If I go the rest of the year without a date, so be it. It's not like I don't get offered to be taken out often, I'd just rather spend my time focusing on what I want to do with MY life and MY career. Dating has been nothing but a distraction thus far. So its been put on the back burner. I'll continue to surround myself with friends and family who are supporting my decisions and helping me achieve my goals.

Plus I always have Jack, so I'll be okay.

Long Distance Relationship: Don't Do It

Love conquers all but only in movies.

There was a time not long ago when I thought my love story would be better because we had such a large obstacle to overcome: Distance. I told my partner who lived thousands of miles away “we can make it work as long as we are both mature and committed to communication and each other.” Bullshit! I had a hard enough time trying to make it work with Mr. AOS who lives in the valley (I live 30 minutes away in LA), why would I want to have to hop on a plane every time I want to see my significant other.

Yes, there are several fairytale stories of couples who were able to make it work but those people are only the exception to the rule. It’s important to recognize the difference between being an exception and being the rule. I for one would not consciously place myself in such a complicated situation in order to test the rule.

Relationships are hard enough as is, but when you add the strains that come with distance, it looses all of its appeal.

Limited Physical Contact – This is the number one reason I would not place myself in a long distance relationship. Not only can I not have my way with any cute guy I want, I can’t even touch the man I’m committed to. I want it when I want it. I need it when I want it and sometimes when I don’t know I want it.

Jealousy – I pride myself on being a very confident and understanding woman, but I don’t want to become a Facebook stalking, background questioning, password stealing paranoid woman. I be damned if I wake up the next morning, find my boo has been tagged in 16 pictures only to see him posing with Beyonce’s (circa 2002) long lost twin sister. In any relationship, trust is imperative but with distance, jealousy would be a much more powerful feeling. The moment you start to doubt your SO, jealously will shoot in swiftly.

Daily Reporting – How do you convey everything that has happened to you when the other person has no context to place the experience in? You’re talking to your SO and they have no idea who your coworker Sylisha is and why pride yourself in being able to talk to her without laughing when attempt to interpret her SOTB accent, she applies make-up like Tommy the Clown, and constantly smells like a Subway in Harlem.

Strain on Finances – Just imagine, you just received your $400 bonus after working hard for the past 2 months but you have to spend all of that cash that could have gone to a cute Marciano dress and matching heels on a plane ticket. You know if you don’t, your SO will bitch about until they see you again. Finances are already the cause of some many failed marriages, and are sure to be the demise of this type of relationship. Plus, why limit your hard on funds to traveling to the same place once a month. I’d much rather travel the world with some good friends.

Unnatural Pace – Distance forces relationships to play in a fast forward mode, and often this forward force leads to a quicker end. There will be some type of pressure for the future. Who will give up all their friends and family to move across town? When do you decide enough time has past to make that commitment? What if you hate your new city, will you resent the person you came for?

Rather than letting the relationship flow naturally, plans must be made ahead. Although my personality forces me to plan out my day to day activities, how can I plan out how my heart will feel in 6 months and base everything I do around that ultimate goal and each other. Distance makes everything more definite and requires advanced thinking.

I’m all for love and happy endings but realistically, long distance relationships are doomed right from the gate. I’d rather be single, sexy and free enjoying my town than sit at home on the phone for hours talking to someone in another.

Friday Rant

Why do men think I want to hear them tell something I already know at our first meeting. Yes, I'm taller than most, but do you think you're original in pointing that out. If I said what I was thinking or if I did the same thing and referenced your height, you might be offended. Eventhough I'd just be stating facts.

"Damn, you're tall." (Damn, you're short.)

"You're much taller when you stand up." (You're much shorter when I stand up.)

"I'm not afraid of heights." (Neither am I shorty.)

"I'd like to climb that tree!" (I'd like to stomp this shrub.)

It doesn't matter if its coming from a tall or short man, constantly referencing my height in order to break the ice is not original nor is it smiled upon.

Surely you have something more interesting to say.

Repost: Just Window Shopping

Things just aren't the same as last year. I am a lot pickier about who I let take me out so I don't line up 5 dates a week anymore. I will say it was fun while it lasted.

At the end of this past week I was on cloud 16. In just a few weeks I had met or rekindled a flame with 5 different guys so optimism was on my side. But just as quickly as things started to look up, reality set in. I felt like I had been shopping for a great new pair of shoes and still hadn’t found a pair that looked great, felt great and screamed BUY ME!

Detroit and I went out the week following my birthday and I realize that nothing has changed. He is a great guy indeed, but something is missing. I started to feel bad again about giving him hope that something could happen and then yanking the rug out from underneath him. Something continues to draw me back to him…loneliness. I told Detroit that he needed to let me go for his own sake but he said he would do no such thing. He still calls and I guess our spurt has ended the same way it did a few months back. I don’t think I will ever be able to let him go. There is something so comfortable about being with him. He is like a pair of fall boots. I picked him up at the beginning of fall, when the season was in but now the season has changed. So I put him right back into the closet until I am ready to wear those boots again.

Arizona seemed promising at first. He was on his grind as a computer technician and planning on going back to school to finish his undergraduate degree. Turns out he had left school his senior year to pursue basketball. The fact that he wanted to finish his degree after dropping out was attractive. His stature and sex appeal reminded me of a great pair of high heel stilettos. Looks great in the box but when you put them on they just weren’t that comfortable. If I wanted to take a walk on the wild side and rock them I could have. But after he flaked on me last minute last weekend, I’ve decided he probably wouldn’t be worth it. I need some reliability and stilettos just don’t have a sturdy enough heel for me.

I knew off jump that Michigan was a little quiet but I figured he was just nervous because of the setting. So for our date I decided to see him one on one. Michigan asked me when he could cook for me and we planned our date. I met him at his apartment, which is usually a NO NO for a first date. Michigan was nice enough to prepare a nice meal for us for the night. Unfortunately, this man was boring with a cap B. It wasn’t the setting at all as I had hoped. Michigan really had no personality and the chemistry wasn’t there at all. After the first 10 minutes of my arrival, I was trying to figure out a way to leave without being rude. I knew I wasn’t feeling him at all but I didn’t know how to say it. So I sat there, with my eyes glued to his television until enough time had passed where I could safely make my escape. I haven’t returned any phone calls but I think has gotten the hint. Michigan reminded me of a pair of loafers, they look comfortable but there was a reason no one ever picked them up, they are too damn boring.

Mr. Midwest was full of energy at our first meeting and the same was true for our date. I thought I had found a great pair of, I admit older, snake skin pumps. Mr. Midwest was attractive has his own business and a great personality at 40. His age didn’t slow him down one bit and he made sure to point out that he couldn’t date women his age because he found that they slowed him down. Our evening started off nice and conversation was smooth. Mr. Midwest and I were slowly trying to get a feel for each other.

Where are you from?

Where are you going?

How are you going to get there?

Then the conversation switched into high gear. Mr. Midwest informed me that he was looking for a mate, a partner, and soon after a wife. He has two children with his ex girlfriend (not wife) of 10 years, who he will soon be in a custody battle for. Mr. Midwest then went on to explain how unfair his ex is and how they do not get a long. It seems that she broke his heart when she cheated on him although he swears he is over it because it happened long ago. How long ago, you may ask, January of this year. Immediately I could see why these shoes were up for grab. At a closer look, I realized that these pumps didn’t start off as snake skin. They were probably some nice patent leather pumps that after years of wear and tear had turned into the snake skin disaster I was trying to fit in. These were worn out and just a little too damaged for my lifestyle.

Sandwiched in all of these outings was a date with my friend Red. The week prior to our date, Red and I talked on the phone every night and chatted on AIM during the day. I usually never let a guy have that much access to me so fast but this time was different. Red wasn’t a new pair of shoes I had never seen in the store. He was a pair that had been in a catalogue on my counter all this time but I never noticed he was there. I never thought to try him on until now. I had so much fun on our date and our conversation in person was just as smooth as it had been on the phone. Red isn’t like any other pair I have ever had in my closet but I will keep him around for that reason.

And then there was one…

Originally Posted November 16, 2008

Repost: Single By Choice...Don't put a ring on it!

Fastforward 1 year and I'm single by circumstance. Don't put a ring on it unless you're ready for a commitment.

All my single ladies!

Who out there is single by choice?

I used to think I was single because I couldn’t find a good man. But recent events have led me to think other wise. I was in the car with one of my girls and Beyonce’s “Put a ring on it” (or Sasha Fierce whichever ego sings the song) came on the radio.

“I got gloss on my lips (lips), a man on my hips (hips)
Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
Acting up (up), drink in my cup (cup)
I can care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention
Cause you had your turn (turn)
But now you gon' learn
What it really feels like to miss Bee”

“Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he* want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it”

We began to talk about why we were single and I was telling her about Detroit and I couldn't think of anything that was concretely wrong with him. I told her that during our last date I didn't kiss him because I like him. When those words came out of my mouth I knew I had a problem. Or did I?

Detroit is the kind of guy I could marry. I know he knows how much I care for him. Detroit has said repeatedly, if it feels right, then why fight it. And I let him know, sometimes people just aren't ready. I'm not ready.

My conversation with my friend then moved onto Red. I told my friend about the things I liked about him and then we got on the relationship subject and if I could see my friendship with him moving that way.

It got me to thinking why I was single and I realized that I am single by choice. I am sure that if I wanted to be serious with either Detroit or Red right now I could. I could have the title but would I have it all?

I would be required to check in, worry about someone else and be there for them all the time. Right now, I am too selfish to do that.

When I do have title girlfriend I put my all into my relationship and expect the same in return. I have only ever had one boyfriend in my life and it is not something I am rushing to get back into. It’s hard for a man to keep my attention long enough for me to want to get there. And right now the only person that has, is the same person I push away. Detroit.

Why? The answer, because I am enjoying getting to know different men and relationship would stop me from doing that.

I wonder, can anyone tame me?

I go out with my friends 3 to 4 times a week and don’t see that changing anytime soon. Although it would be nice to have that stability and have a family, I am too young to be bothered by either. I would love to have a boyfriend in the future. Everyone says I feel this way because I have not met the right guy, but I think I have. I just don't want to embrace it right now.

Here is my response to Beyonce’s song, Put a ring on it (single ladies), as it was so eloquently written by my bestess. I call it, " Please don't put a ring on it!" by PIK DIVA:

No time to marry, no time to settle down. I’m a young woman, and I ain’t done running around.

Did I mention I met another cute guy this past weekend that lives in Chicago, he seemed so sweet. The distance isn't a problem for me because I like to travel. Chicago asked me when I am coming to see him and I let him know immediately, “When you fly me out there.” I am not a gold digger, but I am not stupid either. If you want to see me, you will make it happen. Chicago let me know he does not normally do such a thing but also said that he can be flexible. As long as he is flexible, I will keep him around.

Good luck to whatever man can keep up or attempt to tame this wild beast!

Originally Posted November 28, 2008

Repost: Ego Trippin..I don't mean to be cocky

I'm still as confident and cocky as I want to be. I make no apologies for loving me the way I was created.

I walked to Subway to grab a quick bite to eat during a crazy week at work. As I walk pass a beauty salon, a short man (he is actually 5 '9) who works inside came out to stop me.

(I remember this man from weeks prior. I had given him my number because he said he wanted me to model for a hair show he was doing in the near future. I'm not the one to turn down a free hair do so I gave him my digits. He called me immediately. Since I was busy enjoying my 5 minutes outside the 4 walls of my office, I didn't answer. He left a voicemail saying how beautiful I was and how we should hang out. I knew he wasn’t interested in only business. I decided then I was never going to return his call. I only wanted to talk business so if he wasn’t giving me a date for a show, I wasn’t the least bit interested.)

Being the nice person I am, I stopped to talk to him. He asked me how I was and then went on to compliment me. It is really funny to me how some men approach women these days. He listed all the things he liked about me and I looked at him and couldn’t return the compliment.

I am not asking for much and I can definitely appreciate a friendly compliment, but when a man cannot offer the same things he likes in me and proceeds to only talk about my body and what he wants to do with it, I get annoyed. Especially when they don't take the hint that I am not interested and that they are creepin me out.

1. If you like my height, I appreciate it. I am statuesque at about 6 foot tall(I love to wear heels) but why are you 5 ‘8” and tryna holla.

2. If you like my young age, again I appreciate it, but if you are over 32 please don’t step.

3. If you like my body, I work hard for it and thank you, but why are you 20 lbs over weight wearing a wife beater.

4. If you like that I am educated, I paid for it myself because I think it is important, why have you been enrolled at a CC for the past 10 yrs taking one class a semester and calling yourself educated.

5. If you like that I have my own place, thank you I am saving for a house before 30, why have you been living at home with your mother all your life without any plans on moving out.

6. If you like my car, it will be paid off next year and my credit will be on the rise, why are you at the bus-stop thinking I’m gonna give you a ride.

7. If you like my hair, thank you, I get it done often because I like to look nice, but why do you have raggedy cornrow extensions (with no visible parts) and call it a fresh do.

8. If you like my manicure and pedicure, thank you again I go once a week, but do you think you should be walking around without socks and toe nails like that.

9. If you like the smell of my perfume, I love it too and I own a lot of "smell goods," but why do you smell like feet. I appreciate a man who smells good. Cologne anyone?

10. If you like that I have confidence and I am independent, thank you, I wasn’t made this way but a beautiful woman made me this way. But why does your head hang low when you walk, aren’t you happy too.

I just find it funny that I am approached by men all the time who I have nothing in common but they think we would be great together. I don’t mean to come off so cocky and I really do appreciate the attention and it never gets old. (sometimes) But please don’t get mad at me for not being as interested in you as you are in me. I know I am not perfect and there are plenty of things I need to work on, but all I ask is that you bring to the table.

Now shoo little man.

I have plenty of room for growth and I want to grow with you, but if we are not at a similar starting point, our roads will never meet. There is not an exact criteria for the type of man that I will date, and my head is not a the point where I think I am too good for any man to approach, all I am saying is please don't call me a bitch if I see you have nothing to offer me.

It's not my fault we were'nt meant to be, oh, and have a good day.

Originally Posted November 24, 2008

Repost: Not Looking for Love

Since I'm exhausted from my trip and because I'm reflecting over upcoming birthday, I decided to repost some posts from last year this time. Reading these posts has shown me how much I have changed in such a short amount of time.

Enjoy!

So I’d finally reached the part of dating that I think everyone goes through. I wasn’t dating anyone but I felt good about being single. I was comfortable in my own skin and with my solitude. I had it in my mind that I didn’t want to date anyone and I believed it when I said it to myself because it was true. For the first time in a long time I was happy being alone. I had my daily routine down pact: work, gym, sleep repeat. The system worked pretty well. I made sure to find time for my friends when necessary. I had no excuse not to make an appearance at the occasional birthday party or a girl’s night out so I made myself seen. When I wasn’t with the girls I was at the gym. If it was between the hours of 9 to 5 on a weekday, I was at work and I was happy with that.

I had so much time on my hands I picked up a second job. It didn’t require much training and not too much effort on my part to obtain it. And it’s something that I enjoy doing, so the extra income couldn’t come at a more perfect time. I want to start saving to move out of Cali. I have no idea where it is I want to go but I know if I want to get there I’m going to need a large chunk of money to get there, so now I save. Life couldn’t get any better.

Things with Texas were stagnate at the moment but since my trip had turned out uneventful, it didn’t I wasn’t really phased when we became distant. Our phone calls had become much less frequent and so did our texts. I wish him the best and if things find themselves working out in the future, then so be it. But I realized that now was not the time, so I let him go.

My birthday was coming up and I was excited about it. No, I didn’t have a man, but I had plenty of friends. I wanted to have an event where people closest to me could come and celebrate a day that I hold in high regards, my birthday. My first event was a get together at an upscale lounge. LA doesn’t have many places that are true lounges, but I found one of the only one’s that I knew were free and invited my friends for drinks and fun. I didn’t think about meeting anyone that night, I just wanted to have a good time. Usually I have a goal of obtaining one number before the nights end, but this time I wasn’t even thinking about guys. I put on my brand new outfit and went to my party to chill with my friends. That night, I ended up leaving meeting 2 new guys.

Arizona was thrown my way by a friend. She asked him if he wanted to by me a drink because it was my birthday and after he looked me up and down he happily agreed. The chemistry was there, I was feeling his stature and his conversation was cool. Arizona owned his own business and he let me know that if I were his girl he would have flown me somewhere for my birthday. Game does recognize game, but I was still flattered. He said he would be my boyfriend for the rest of the night and look out for me and I though that was cute. Arizona bought me a drink and then I was pushed to the side as 3 of my friends came over to question his intentions. I love my girls. I could tell they wanted to make sure I wasn’t wasting my time.

“What do you do for a living?” “Do you have any kids?” “Do you have a girlfriend?”

They dug into him with claws erect. But he was ready. He answered they’re questions smoothly and without hesitation and I liked that. By the end of the night we exchanged numbers and have been in touch ever since.

The second guy, Michigan approached me very guardedly but I thought it was cute. Michigan was there to celebrate his birthday as well. He was shy around me, and I was happy to be in control of this exchange. I flirted with him all night and after I was sure Arizona was out of sight, I made my way over to Michigan. I put on the charms. It felt good to be in control. I knew I was attracted to him and that he was to me. Michigan had this debonair style that caught my eye immediately. After a while, he finally got wind of my advances and asked for my number.

I had several birthday celebrations and my night out at the lounge was just the first. The following day, I had a birthday dinner with just a few friends. It was a much smaller scale then the previous night extravaganza and I decided to invite Detroit. It was 40 minutes before it was going to begin and I decided to put our differences aside because I wanted him there. I hadn’t had male attention since my trip to see Texas so I did have underlying motives. But I didn’t follow through with them. Above all, Detroit was a good friend and I didn’t want to miss out on having him around and sharing my birthday with me. Detroit took my invitation very personally. Detroit took me for drinks after the dinner was over and explained to me what was on his mind. He felt that there must be something between us if I invited him to my birthday dinner. I wasn’t exactly sure he was right so I agreed to meet him later in the week for another “birthday” dinner.

When I got home from drinks with Detroit, I looked at my phone and I had a birthday message from a guy I hadn’t spoken to in months. Red and I were cool but we hadn’t talked much recently. Red and I never dated. I didn’t see him as anything more than a friend and I definitely appreciated that he had remembered my birthday. We’ve started to talk more and we even went on what I would classify as a date yesterday. So we shall see what happens there. More than anything I’d like to keep Red as a friend, I’m not sure if there is anything more between us but I am willing to find out

The next morning I realized Texas hadn’t called me on my birthday and I knew then that we would no longer be dating. My birthday is very important to me and it’s hard to come back from that. He hasn’t made much effort to rectify that situation and to me that just show his interest is no longer present. And that’s fine.

Just last week I was at work, minding my own business when I looked up and saw this guy staring at me. I was walking his way and I said hello. He apologized for staring and told me he couldn’t keep his eyes off of my walk. Mr. Mid-West was a little older but I didn’t let that rule him out. He approached me like a gentlemen so I decided to give him a chance. I let him know that I had to get back to work and gave him my number. This man is old enough to know what he wants and he has his mind set on exactly what that is. When we met up after I got off work, he let me know exactly what he was and wasn’t looking for. I’m not sure we’re on the same page, but again, I am willing to find out.

It’s amazing how my lack of interest and but possession of sheer confidence really attracted men my way these last two weeks. It isn’t something that I made a conscious decision to do but man it is working and I am contentiously amused by the attention. They say you’ll find a guy when you’re not looking but who would’ve though I’d end up with 5! Arizona, Michigan, Detroit, Red and Mr. Mid-West. Stay tuned this should be interesting and short lived for some of them.

It's Not A Date

It’s important that both men understand what constitutes a date versus just hanging out. All of the scenarios I mention below are perfectly okay if we are in a committed relationship or we have been seeing each other for a while.

I’m not trying to break into your wallet and milk you for ever penny you worked hard to make. I just want to spend time getting to know you and finding out if we have common interests and chemistry. In order for that to happen, you should first be creative and plan a date. Like a real date. Like a date date, not a kick-it. If you’re not sure what distinguishes a real date from just “kickin it” or “hangin out” let me explain.

It’s not a date, if you invite yourself over to my house to watch a movie. You think I’m dumb enough to let you roam through my refrigerator (cuz yo ass surely didn’t bring anything to eat) and then sit too close to me during the entire movie. It’s not happening.

It’s not a date, if you invite me to meet you at your friends’ party. There will be 300+ other people there, music blasting and plenty of time to not learn anything new about each other, other than that we know how to bump and grind in sync.

It’s not a date, if I have to open my wallet to pay for my own meal when this is the first time we have gone out together and you didn’t tell me the plan before hand. I am not above going Dutch, but I don’t need to find out our dating arrangements after I’m done feasting on Filet Mignon grubbing.

It’s not a date, if you invite me to your house to cook something that was already in your refrigerator. If you had to go to the grocery store to buy the ingredients, I might give you a pass.

Guys, I know it’s a recession and all, but please don’t think we can kick-it and call it a date. It’s not a date and I’m not fallin for it. Putting forth some effort in getting to know me and doing something I like is not only appreciated- it’s required.

Should I tell him?

Should I tell him that I’m seeing him to pass the time?

I have absolutely no interest in a relationship with him and I don’t think he does either. Gone are the days where I stress over why he doesn’t make an effort to see me. No longer do I dwell on his claim that he doesn’t like to go out. I have made it clear that I am not tripping off the fact that he is a homebody because we aren’t dating. We hang out when I have no other plans for the evening. Those occasions are far in between.

We don’t talk on the phone the way we used to because I have nothing I want to tell him. I think he knows what this is; it’s a friendship with no more benefits. So should I have to explicitly tell him that he has been moved from the dating zone to the friend zone?

This weekend he made the “long” journey from his home in Simi Valley to see me. I wasn’t interested in inviting him over and I’m usually never home on Sunday’s anyway. I always find it funny that his interpretation of coming to see me is going to see his friends and then checking on whether or not I’m home. If he had really come this way just to visit me, we would have arranged a time to meet.

I am not a pit stop, I am a destination.

Now that I think about our relationship and the path it has followed, I don’t think I need to tell him. He has known all along.

I just wish he would have told me.

Friday Rant

Kerry Crenshaw met a guy she was semi feeling until he couldn't find his balls to set a time and place where they would meet that same day. He texted throughout the day and lacked any confidence to set up a time and place to meet. They went back and forth with messages of where and when they would meet until she got tired of replying.

...and just like that the rest of ol boy’s texts get ignored because he hesitated. Women like to be told, not asked.

Here is my response to her post.

Problem #1 (well for me anyway): He texted you to set the whole thing up. If he really wanted to take you out and if he was a real man, HE WOULD CALL!!

Problem #2: He is still unsure whether or not your like him: That’s his problem not yours. Obviously you have some interest in him otherwise you wouldn’t have carried on such a drawn out text conversation.

Solution: He needs to go find his balls before he steps to any other woman. Next time he should just text (he really should be calling anyway) the following:

The correct way to ask a woman out:

Guy 12:15pm: I want to take you out tonight, are you free? (you reply within 2 minutes with an emphatic yes.

Guy 12:18pm: Cool. Meet me at [insert cool restaurant here] at [insert reasonable time here.]

Done and Done.

For the full article click here.

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Lies Women Tell: That was f%$#*n best!

Installment 5 of 5

Sorry to break it to you honey but at some point in your sexual history, a woman has faked it with you. I know you think but “I’m Mr. Mandingo Super Man that Hoe in the bedroom,” but you have your off days and we accommodate it by faking. (I just found out that men can fake it too, how sickening!) Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you rock your girls’ world, every single time ya’ll go at it. You don’t!

Even my best partner wanted it when I wasn't in the mood for a mind blowing adventure, so I put on a quick show and went about my business. Other men have a problem with consistency. It's a hit or miss. Then you have those, who I never revisit more than once who are so bad, that during the actual act, I’m planning the rest of my week which doesn’t include doing this again. I’ll moan and groan for a little bit and tell you I’m done after a sufficient amount of time has passed. You’ll ask did I get mines and I’ll tell you, “Yes of course.” I’ll really want to know what you were thinking when you tried that new move, but instead I’ll smile until we cuddle ourselves to sleep. If it was unexpectedly bad, I will tell my girls how bad you were. Women do talk about their sexual conquests by the way. She will drag your name through the dirt if you continue to disappoint so don’t ever get too comfortable.

Unfortunately, most women won’t tell you about your bad performance because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. I swear ya’ll get so defensive about sex, “I had a lot on my mind,” you’ll say.

Yeah, uh huh, sure you did.

It might also be that we would really much rather finish watching Grey’s Anatomy then have sex for hours. So we’ll sort of speed the process along with a little acting. It’s not always that it was bad; we may just not be in the mood. So we’ll say something like, “I’m on my period,” if we don’t want to put on a show. It’s the best lie, because it’s not like you’re going to check if we’re telling the truth, unless you’re that horny or that disgusting.

Don’t be upset and think you are exempt as you read this. If a man really wants to know how I think he did, I’d tell him if he’d ask and I thought he was ready for a conversation about it; especially if it can be fixed.

If you’re bold, I dare you to call an ex partner right now, and ask her if she ever faked it, if she says no, that deserves an Oscar for best performance in a bedroom woman is lying!

Lies Women Tell: I’m not ready for a relationship

Installment 4 of 5
You’ve been dating this woman (I hope you’re not dating a little girl,) for a few months and you’re ready to take it to the next level. At dinner one night, you bring up your relationship and the direction its going. You find yourself getting so excited because you’ve already told your boyz what you were planning to do. Poor simp. She pauses in disbelief; it seems you’ve caught her off guard. She exhales and says, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Let me decode that statement for you:

S1: I’ve been dating this other guy and I’m hoping he asks me to be his girl soon.

S2: I think I can do better than you, so I don’t want to take myself off the market.

S3: I’m afraid of commitment so I’d much rather go through the motions of dating you while not dating anyone else, without having to fully commit.

Think of this way, if she really thought you were a once in a lifetime catch, would she risk you finding someone else by telling you she’s not ready for a relationship. I’m not saying that 100% of the time, when a woman (or man,) uses this statement that she is lying, but I’d give myself a 90% probability that what she really means is 1 or 2.

In this case, you probably shouldn’t waste your time with her anyway. If she does “commit” to you after time has passed one of two things could happen, she could realize how great you really are and fall madly in love with you. Or, she could end up breaking your heart because she didn’t really like you in the first place and just wanted someone, anyone to call their boyfriend. Flip a coin and pick your fate.