Monday, January 5, 2015

Guest Post: Comfortable with Nothing by NotYourAllyKat

NotYourAllyKat is back with another post following her 3 part blog series

When I first moved to New York I was full of excitement, hope, and wonder. At the time I literally had like four dollars in my bank account, was sleeping on a couch smaller than me, and no job.  So it’s not strange to me that I was full of excitement, hope, and wonder because since everything else was lacking those feelings were all I had. To have everything you must be comfortable with nothing. As I sit here two years later, with everything I was missing two years ago, I realize it may be time for me to have nothing again.  I’m not talking about moving to some random country (although that, too, sounds appealing) or a reckless career change (I’m actually somewhat good at what I do) but nothing in terms of waste of time relationships.

I have a very generous, open, and free-loving spirit. Throughout the years it has been bruised as I have gave time and time again more than I received. Though that has caused a tough exterior, inside I am still just as soft as cotton candy. Being the tough “cool” girl, I’m the girl that always has someone. Maybe even perhaps a team of guys that all serve different purposes. There’s dinner guy, drinks guy, sex guy, guy I text when I’m bored, guy in a different city that boosts my ego..the list can actually get quite expansive when I allow it to.  My free loving spirit has granted me probably more than the average amount of sexual encounters but the people I have actually cared for can be counted on one hand.

Lately my feelings of excitement, hope, and wonder have been missing and I think it’s because I was wasting time with a guy who I really liked (number 4) but just wasn’t all the way with me. The absolute worse thing you can say to a girl is I really like you and could see myself with you, but I don’t want a relationship. What kind of fucked up mixed signals are those? Everyone knows girls hold on hope to the one little good thing they hear. Actions speak louder than words and in this case his actions were the kind you do when you want a relationship. I was trying to be the “cool” girl and hold on to the good feelings I had when I was around him, ignoring all the blatantly obvious signs of the rising tide that would eventually drown me. I don’t blame him necessarily but wished he could have been a bit more understanding when I was explaining my feelings instead of just saying I told you so.

I don’t want to be the “cool” girl anymore. Being that girl gets you nothing that you want.  Let’s face it although it is not my main priority in life I do want to settle down and be able to call one man my partner in life. Indie Arie says it best, “I am ready for love.” If I were writing this three years ago I would have followed that with a GEY. But it’s not GEY; it’s what I want, eventually. Not today, next month, or even next year but someday. So if you aren't aligned with my life goals then you don't belong in my life. So now I’m back in the desert of nothingness, a sad but smart choice. I guess I’d rather be hot all by myself then lost in the mirage of an oasis of some one else.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

So, when are you moving back?

Even before I boarded the plane to New York City, I had several people ask me the same question; "So, when are you moving back?"  I completely understand the reasoning behind the inquisition, I mean the most favorite person in the whole wide world, or in Culver City, California, was moving across the country.

There was no accident in me choosing New York City to start the next chapter of my life. The truth is I had only applied to three schools. One in California, one in Chicago and one in New York. Thank the lord I didn't get into the school in Chicago. There aren't enough sweaters and coats to get me through those winters. When I got the early admission into NYU, I ignored the request from another school I applied to for additional documents. I knew New York was where I wanted to be. I quickly submitted my handsome deposit to secure my spot before telling anyone my plans. I felt super bad about being so secretive for months but this wasn't about them, this was about me.

I was stuck in a job I didn't love and feeling like I would regret not doing something for myself for once, so New York City was the move. Not because I had always dreamed about moving there, I didn't actually do much research before selecting the city. I chose New York because it seemed like a challenge. Like the song says, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. My original answer to the question, "So, when are you moving back?" was  "Two years." Duh. My program was only going to last two years. What reason would I have to stay any longer?  So, that was my original response, two years. For the first year, my response was consistent. I really liked living in New York, but I could abandon my family for too much longer. I had a new nephew and a sister who needed me.

Two years.

Fast-forward to right before graduation in 2013. I had absolutely no job prospects but it made me sick to think about leaving. I had made so many new friends I was just beginning to get to know and some of my old friends had moved to the city. I couldn't leave just yet. I made a vow to myself, if I didn't find a job by December of that year, I would return back to Los Angeles. I looked at it as fate. I also looked at it as I would be flat broke and wasn't ready to live on the streets with old roommates I had kicked out, Mickey and Jerry. They are not as cute and furry as you may think,  I should know I've had these furry creatures as roommates at two out of the four of my New York apartments.

Well as fate had it, I wasn't destined to move back in 2013. I found a job right before my money well went dry. Well the well wasn't that dry, I had a fantastic temporary job at the same place that ended up hiring me into a fantastic permanent dream position in the middle of November 2013. It looked like it was not time just yet for me to return. But the question, "So, when are you moving back?" reappeared since my two years was up and I had just gotten a new position. So I thought practically, about my family and friends in LA and chose a year, 2016. At the time, I truly believed 2016 was going to be my time to return. It was far enough away to make others feel comfortable but close enough to make others happy. There I go again, trying to make others happen. I truly believed that in 2016, I would make my move back across the country.

Two years.

Today marks the beginning of 2015. It hit me that that makes 2016 just next year. Look I majored in math for 1 year at UCLA so yes I know basic math but I really didn't feel 2016 would creep up so quickly. What's not so surprising is my date has possibly changed. I love what I'm doing at NYU. I'm possibly up for great changes this year in my career. And yes, I still keep others in mind when deciding my current answer to the question. But my answer to the question "So, when are you moving back" has changed. My new answer:

I don't know.

There are so many things that have occurred over the past two, three, four years that I couldn't have predicted in a million years. Some good, some bad, and some just what they were. I have stopped trying to figure out every detail of my future. I could end up back in LA, it could be Chicago (no wait, we ruled out that cold ass city a few paragraphs ago), or it could be Timbuktu. I'm not sure when and where I'm moving from New York but it will happen when I'm ready. I will be sure to take others into account when I decide my future, because I don't live in a bubble and I know my actions affect others I truly care about. However, wherever and whenever it is, my move will ultimately be about me.

Monday, December 29, 2014

0 to 100 Real Quick

I can't sleep so I'm up thinking about my favorite topic; my dating. I had a good laugh thinking about men and how crazy they are. Fun but bat shit crazy. Just last week I ran into a guy I use to date and things (for him) went from 0 to 100 real quick. He wanted to rekindle what we had and I wanted to continue dancing my night away, alone. After we had a conversation about the ending of our little ship, he thought it was a good idea to call me the days following. Of course he was the kind of guy to pick up the phone and call, he's crazy remember.

A little background on this gentleman, I met him at an art event at the beginning of last year. We went out a few times, literally 3 times before he stopped calling. It was very clear to me that he stopped calling because I turned down his invitation for a home cooked meal.  I just wasn't ready to participate in a sleepover in the middle of a snow storm with some man I barely knew. I'm sure he wasn't use to hearing no from a woman and it was on to the next. Bye Felicia.

As he was hitting me up throughout the weekend, I was enjoying myself and being short through text. I didn't actually call him back but I would reply to text. He called me out on my evasiveness and I let him know we had some things to discuss before moving forward. After setting a time to discuss the issue I had, he was unreachable. I knew I wasn't really interested when I was relieved he didn't answer.

The events that followed showed me something I've been seeing repeatedly over the last several years, women aren't the only one's who create relationships in their head. It was clear that this man had planned out our entire relationship while failing to actually get to know who I was. Once he realized that I was not interested in anything further (he didn't realize this until after I explained it to him in three different ways) he became a complete asshole.

Here are a few highlights before and after reality set in for him:

"Morning beautiful, can't wait to wake up and roll over next to you and say that." I had kissed this man one time on our third date. He hadn't even gotten to first base and here he was talking about waking up after hitting a home run.  I didn't even respond to this part of his texting.

"You know the reason why you're hesitant to fall head over heels for me." We literally went out on 3 dates two years ago and had no communication since so yes I know the reason stranger.

"I felt like you knew I was slowing myself down so I wouldn't scare you away." Nope sir, I had no clue because you were actually too aggressive to begin with.

"I vowed to never be anybody but myself." Vowed? You vowed?!?!?

"I have no time for superficial games with women who cry wolf but don't get that wolf is a kids game!" Yeah he included the exclamation point for emphasis but I wish he would have included a guide to help me interpret his thought process. Cry wolf? Because I said I wasn't interested.

"#dropthemicimgone" Yes. He really used a hashtag in a textersation. What kind of world are we living in?

He was blocked immediately following his last message.

So glad I dodged that bullet! (Exclamation included for emphasis)

So I'm 30

I turned 30 last month and I've been trying to figure out what I could blog about in celebration of this milestone in my life. My original post was rather short so I decided to expand: Yes, I'm old and its freaking awesome. I figured that was a little too blunt and to the point, kind of like me but I knew I could say a little more.

Professionally I am exactly where I want to be.  I love what I'm doing and I see a long fulfilling career in higher education. Perks like getting 2 paid weeks off during the winter break and short Fridays in the summer are fabulous but working closely with students who are at the pinnacle of their lives is the most rewarding part.  While I was more than excited to be done with my program last year I can't say for sure I'm done with school. I'll just say for now I am taking an extended break.

Culturally I have been investing heavily in the economy by supporting jobs in the US and contributing to domestic tax revenue aka I travel a lot. I spend less money on things (although I still love a good sale) and more money on memories. This year alone I visited 5 different countries: Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Amsterdam, Belgium and France. The goal is to continue to expand my mind by traveling for as long as there is life in my body. Knowing of course that at some point I'll need to slow down but it will always be a hobby of mine. I'm happy to be in a place to enjoy the fruits of my hard labor.

In terms of health, I still run. Not as frequently as I would like sometimes but its still a part of my life. Instead of several races a year I now participate in a few throughout the year. I have a half-marathon coming up in January and I've kind of been training. It's definitely time for me to find a new health related hobby. I run, I know I can run, time to switch it up a bit. Whatever I choose will be a financial commitment so I just need to wrap my mind about that.

Also related to my health is cooking. I swear I'm getting really good. I would give my current skills a B-. I'm no chef but I can make more than spaghetti, burgers and fried chicken. During most weeks, I cook all my meals for work so I know exactly what's going into my body.

Now the good stuff, personally the end of this year has been the longest I haven't been working towards a relationship with a man. My phone is so silent since I spend less time entertaining men I don't mesh with.  My blogger name, 'Silent Scorpion' is starting to take on a new meaning. But after thinking about it, it just makes sense. I've done all the dating I need to do to know exactly who I am and what I do and don't want.  Sometimes it gets lonely having the most silent phone on the planet but I genuinely enjoy laying low and being alone. No I don't plan on having a ceremony to marry myself. It's not that serious.  I love being in a relationship, I love being the doting, caring, thoughtful partner. It's so nice to have someone who also wants the same for you but that's not where I am right now.

On the other hand, I've developed deeper relationships with some of my old friends but I've also added some new friends. Drake was wrong, new friends are great.

[Insert all encompassing ending paragraph...its midnight in LA and I'm going to bed]

Monday, February 10, 2014

Still Kissing Frogs

The most annoying thing about being a single woman and dating at 29 is everyone's assumption that I want to marry every frog I kiss. I know, my clock is ticking right? I will be 30 years old this year so I should no longer worry myself with falling in love with a guy before falling in love with idea of my dream wedding. Truth be told, I would rather forego an expensive ceremony all together. Please don't tell my friends this piece of information, they might all lose it. For me, the idea of getting married at a courthouse and buying a home with my spouse is my dream. But hey, I must kiss a few frogs before I can have that discussion with a suitor.

Since I am aging, I shouldn't be wasting my time with men who I enjoy spending time with if I don't see myself as their long-term spouse. Forget love, my eggs are about to be washed up once November comes. The luxury of getting to know, like and love suitors one day at a time has passed. Its time I settle for what's in front of me instead of waiting for passion I've had before. As we all know, my value as a woman decreases each year I am without a husband. My academic and professional accomplishments mean nothing if I do not have MRS. in front of my name.

I guess I am not like most women my age in that regard. I am in no hurry to marry. I don't want to just marry any man willing. If I were, I'd be married. There have been suitors I could have married and who would have been happy with me. I could have been comfortable and in a committed relationship. Anyone who knows me knows these two things, family is my number one priority and I need passion. Passion is something that I can't describe, it's either in a relationship or its not. I either get excited and nervous when I see a name or I get, eehh nothing.

I've been seeing a guy for several weeks now and he's awesome. He matches my awesome. I waited on telling friends about him because I knew what their reaction would be. Finally! The ever so single Silent Scorpion Serial Dater has met one man she likes. I had one friend mention how optimistic she was that I could bring him as my date to her wedding. (Her wedding is in October.) Because you know, what would I look like coming to a wedding of a dear friend without someone to boogie with. What kind of fabulous, secure and confidant woman show's up to a wedding with a room full of unhappy and happy couples alike, alone.

While the idea of my current feelings lasting over the course of several months is exciting, the pressure to do so is also a little overwhelming.

God forbid my feelings change for this guy or his change for me in the next several months because then I'll be a 30 year old woman, still kissing frogs....

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Mindy is my best friend in my head...and kindle

Today was Day 3 of my modified modified Daniel Fast. That's a lot of modification but I'm committed to the modifications I made. I should be spending this time praying more and devoting more time to studying my bible but I feel like most of my idle time is spent imagining all of the awesome things I'm missing out on without social media in my life. That is a terrible thing to admit but sorry, I'm not sorry, it's the truth! (Hold on, let me pray)

[insert personal prayer I cannot share on public personal anonymous but not anonymous blog]

Although Sunday was a bit difficult due to my belief that in order to be a good friend, I occasionally must participate in things I have no interest in, I believe this year's fast is going well. I spent Sunday surrounded by so much light skin my eyes hurt. Apparently, Kappas had their founders day event in a small venue and every member who ever pledged showed up. Wait, it sounds like I'm complaining. I am not complaining at all. Because with Kappas, come beautiful polished clear (yes I said clear) well dressed men. Not really my type but they are nice to look at. Also, the game was on and so you know, I was entertained. All I had to do was throw on my obnoxious outdoor shades* indoors and watch my Chargers win! Let me revel in our win for a moment because we normally lose after this round.

Another California team who's name does deserve to be mentioned on my blog also won their game so, go Cali.

Aside from returning to my regular life known as my 9 to not really 5, usually much after 6, I have spent my evenings engulfed in Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). While I wait on my old school hard copy of Americanah to arrive, I needed something to hold me over in the interim and this book is perfect. Well, I'm reading it on my kindle so I am not sure I can call this a book still, can I? I am going to say that I can. After reading halfway through this book I would like to announce that Mindy is my best friend in my head. Not to be confused with my real life best friends who would be shocked to hear me say such a thing. She is hilarious, witty and sarcastic as hell...ahhh I love Mindy. Her streaming random thoughts were nicely packaged and sent to my brand new Kindle HD for consumption.

There really is no point to this post other than to a. point out that I have a new Kindle Fire HD. b. I needed some type of connection to the outside world even though no one ever comments. c. I have something to remind myself why I pray, so that I don't end up writing a 200+ word compilation of would be tweets and Facebook updates.

Alright, back to praying and reading I go.


*I didn't actually wear my shades inside. I hate when people do that. 
*Namaste is a common spoken valediction originating in the Indian subcontinent. See what I did there. Mindy is Indian.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Back to my roots, Thanks Beyonce

Throughout each year I add the names of books suggested by friends or people I admire to a running reading list. Lately, this list has become rather long because my thirst for reading has grown while my ability to plan out reading time to read has not. I blame this dilemma on my recent social media addiction. Instead of reading a book before going to sleep, I flip back and forth between Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.

When I went home for Christmas, I was reminded that my church was once again participating in the modified Daniel Fast. For 21 days, members of the congregation pledge to give up sweets, alcohol and meat. The point of this fast is to feed your soul, strengthen your spirit and renew your body. I always believe this is a great way to begin the year so here I am participating again in 2014. In addition, I have decided to voluntarily add social media into the mix. By doing this, I know I will be adding more time to my hands seeing as I no longer have cable and rarely go out during the week, especially when temperatures reach below 30 degrees.

While listening to Beyonce's self-titled album (I've had this album on repeat for the last few weeks and you know there's a post about the sexual female empowerment she openly discusses coming), I kept repeating the interlude by Nigerian-born writer and feminist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie from the song 'Flawless.' The song excerpts the author’s TED Talk on feminism:

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller
We say to girls: “You can have ambition, but not too much
You should aim to be successful, but not too successful
Otherwise, you will threaten the man.”
Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is most important
Now, marriage can be a source of joy and low and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way boys are
Feminist: a person who believes in the social,

Political, and economic equality of the sexes"

I've been meaning to read 'Americanah' written by this author for a while now but Beyonce's latest self-titled album has pushed it to the top of my reading list. 

I just ordered the book and thanks to Amazon it will be here by Friday. 

Thanks Beyonce.

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