Friday, March 27, 2015

I Had A Dream Last Night

I Had A Dream Last Night

And you were in it
I don't usually remember my dreams
They happen
I wake up
It's over
But this dream I remember...vividly

And you were in it
Looking how I last saw
Feeling how I last felt
It was so real
I woke up
It's over

I Had A Dream Last Night

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

I Won't Be Wearing an Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

If there were ever a more well timed trip, it would be my impending get away.
My passport is ready.
My skin is ready to bask in the sun.
My hand is ready to grip my non-virgin pina colada.
My mind is ready to be occupied by things I can control; my liquor intake, amount of dancing and morning beach runs.
And not the things I cannot.

And although my bikini(s) is not yellow nor does it have polka dots, it is ready for the sun, fun and sand.

When Is The Right Time?

Sometimes we get so complacent in our the lives that we don't allow ourselves to explore our greatest potential. As stale as it may feel, we stick with what we know because well, its comfortable, convenient and easy. We stand in the way of greatness by settling for mediocrity. I'm not usually afraid of taking a leap of faith so I've been toying with the idea of searching for a new job.

I make a pretty comfortable living in my current position, most of my students help me love what I do and well I'm good at it. I'm having an amazing start to my fall admissions. My percent of change over last year is constantly being lauded by my supervisor and coworkers. My supervisor is so damn happy with my performance, which in turn makes me very happy. At my current position, I've gotten excellent reviews, I know the ins and outs of the population I'm working with, I know how to manage my supervisor and her personality, and I've mastered how to direct the business. So why leave at this moment?

Deep down I know at some point I'll have to move on. I just don't see a long term future where I am. For one, there's no opportunity for growth here. While my supervisor can offer me an endless supply of verbal praise, she is currently unable to offer me what I deserve; financial gains the work I produce merits. If I did what most people do, I'd stay in my current position for at least 2 years. I've surveyed a few friends, because that's what people do when they make big life decisions, and I've gotten mixed advice. Some applaud me for keeping my options open and agree that the time is now, while others encouraged me to wait until the society agreed upon 2-year mark before making the move.

I am a person who believes in fate. My coworker mentioned that his old colleague (who was previously in my position) was leaving another college at NYU.  The position was a full band above my and two levels above my current one but if I applied, I'd probably at least have gotten an interview. It was scary to even think about leaving a place I'd gotten so relaxed in and moving on to a place I didn't already know how to navigate. If this had been my two year mark, I'd have applied right away.I read the job description for hours trying to talk myself out of applying. Telling myself it just wasn't the right time. By the time I decided to throw caution to the wind and apply, the position had been filled.

This would have been an amazing opportunity for my career. I can't believe I talked myself out of applying for it. What if I didn't get called for an interview?  What if I did get called in and they didn't pick me? What if I got the position and wasn't happy?

But, what if I did get called for an interview? What if I did get called in and they picked me? What if I got the position and was happy and fully satisfied? I'll never know because I let my ego stand in my way. I didn't want to be bruised by no so I did nothing. I didn't even submit my damn good resume.

Sometimes the right time isn't the most comfortable, convenient or easy. Sometimes the right time is now.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I am not a STAN, I am a well informed supporter of a smart business woman

Most of my friends incorrectly assume that because I have been a fan of Beyonce since she burst onto the scene almost 2 decades ago, that I am blind follower. That I activate my BeyHive senses whenever her name is brought up in conversation...okay, wait, that is partly correct. I'd like to point out that I don't always comment on hateful comments about her. So many people hate Beyonce for the sake of hating Beyonce. When people say I'm a STAN, what they are misinterpreting is my ability to challenge their unfounded statements, with actual facts. Beyonce is a talented force who is hard working and smart. Yes, she's smart. No way you get to her status and make the calculated moves she makes without being a smart business woman. Did I say she was intellectual or educated, no. I said she was smart. Since there are varying levels of smart, she deserves to be put in the same sentence as that word. If you want to challenge me, I dare you. 

Now while I love my girl, I must say, a few of her choices over the past year have left me annoyed and disappointed. First there was Elevatorgate. Sigh. I had a short conversation with my sisters about this incident that went something like this.

Me: Did you hear about Beyonce, Jay Z and Solange in the elevator?!!!
Them: Yeah!
Me: If you ever...
Them: (cuts me off) We know. We would never.
Me: Cool
Them: And you would never..
Me: (cuts them off) Girl bye, no. 

When I watched the video of Solange going ham on JayZ in the elevator and Beyonce just watching, I just couldn't comprehend. After about 5 minutes of physical abuse and spitting from Solange, Beyonce finally stepped in. 
My sisters know me very well. Kicking and spitting any grown ass man especially their spouses and father of their child(ren)?!!! Chile, if my sis did that to my spouse, I might black out. They know this. I know this. Feet stay on the ground. Spit stays in mouth. At all times. I've never raised my hand to a man. Barely have ever raised my voice. I choose to deal with arguments with men in an opposite way of what I saw growing up. Now while my sisters' partner thoroughly raises my blood pressure, I keep my hands at my side when addressing them. 

Then there was the tour with her husband. Since I loved her last album, there was no way I wasn't going to see her live. It was worth the flight from New York to Los Angeles for the weekend just to see her (oh and my little sis and fam too!). During the concert, I sang every lyric to every song. Including JayZ's and especially their duets.  [Insert Yaaaaaassssss getcho liiiiife huntttty!!!] However, I was a little tired of seeing every inch of her body during her performances. She's bad. She knows she's bad. Jay Z knows this. Shoot the President and first lady knows this. But boo I don't need to see your crotch throughout an entire concert. The pole dance/strip tease type session was just, yawn. I was over it. But overall, it was a good time.

Then there's the biggest movement of our time and her silence. I was again, disappointed. Another chance for her to take a public stand and nothing. But let's be clear here. Beyonce and her husband make several private and anonymous donations throughout the year.  They have donated to the Ferguson movement on the ground and send hundreds of high school students to college each year. JayZ quietly started an educational trust fund for the children of NYPD shooting victim Sean Bell.  While his meeting with Governor Cuomo to discuss criminal justice reform was more of a political move for Cuomo than anything else, Jay-Za philanthropist and we can't discredit that. Up until last night, Beyonce hadn't really said much except for fairytale, we are the world IG posts. I didn't find her actual performance and believe other artists could perform the song better, including Beyonce. She was just, off. I understood the politics behind choosing her. While people will argue (and looking at my Facebook timeline, plan on arguing all day for a while) that Ledisi should have performed, I can tell you why she did not. 

The Selma soundtrack performances were left for the end of the program for a reason. When you add Beyonce to anything, you are guaranteed ratings.  In addition to her loyal (BeyHive) fans sitting through the 4 hour show, ALL of her haters sat through it to just to hate. Not sure why people have that much time on their hands but okay you proved why the Grammy's liked the idea of Beyonce over Ledisi. Doesn't matter if Beyonce asked herself or was selected, the bottom line is she brings in ratings. Higher ratings, equal more advertiser dollars.  It's the production of the show that defines its value far more than quality. Even though her performance was a little off, it was a moving performance for one reason. If you blinked, you missed it. 

For 2.5 seconds, Beyonce used the biggest platform to bring awareness to the Black Lives Matter movement. While viewers were distracted by her inappropriate sheer white gown and flowing mermaid like hair, her background dancers/singers dressed in all white suits held their hands up in the 'Hands Up' gesture. The gesture is the same used that has recently been used demonstrates protesting the death of unarmed black men at the hands of police. While Pharrell's similar use of the gesture and Prince's black lives matter statement before giving out the award for album of the year, is getting loads of attention, let's not miss skip over Beyonce's gesture. This is musics' biggest awards show. She chose this platform to take a stand and for that, and only that, her performance was moving. 

Smart move Beyonce, smart move. 

FYI: You can support someone and disagree with some of their actions. 

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Things I Need to Finish...

House of Cards Season 2
Breaking Bad
Mad Men
Game of Throne books I was reading
Orange is The New Black Season 2

So many things to finish
so much time
so little motivation
to finish these things

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Let Me See Your Grill

Two years; that's the length of my sentence. I've run through the gamut from nostalgia to optimism. I'm going to miss what use to be but I'm excited to see what's in store. Everyone who has been in my shoes has talked about exactly what is in-store...pain. The first day wasn't the most painful. No, that would be day two and three. And from what I hear, every 4-6 weeks for the next two years.

As each day passes it becomes easier to live with this foreign object in my mouth. It's just a temporary part of who I am now. That is, until I get up in the morning and look in the mirror. Oh hey girl! You're 16 all over again. Well, some other 16 year old because this was not my life as a teenager. It wasn't in my parents plan. Actually, I don't think I ever made a fuss about how much it bothered me to anyone let alone my parents. If you pay close enough attention to my childhood school pictures, you will see how I felt about my smile. Around 2nd or 3rd grade, I began to master my smize. Chile, I learned how to smize long before Tyra Banks coined the term.  

Sometime during high school someone told me I had a beautiful smile. A few someone's actually and I started to believe it too. I started smiling ear to ear in school pictures. I didn't care about the gaps. My teeth were unique. They were cute. My undersized teeth were adorable. My smile was innocent and lovable. My smize was no longer necessary. Life was fun and I expressed my happiness with my teeth, so I smiled. A lot. 


Of course there's a but. Why else would there be a need for a blog post if there wasn't one. But, I still wasn't 100% happy with my smile. Yes my teeth were by definition perfectly straight. I had no overbite, no crowding, nothing that the average person who seeks an orthodontist is trying to correct. Nope my issue was quite the opposite. The spaces in between my teeth were wiiiiiiiiide. It made it hard to enjoy certain foods. My little chompers couldn't quite destroy an apple, instead the juicy small fruit would bruise my sensitive gums. Can you believe not even a damn apple could be trusted? Also, while I loved my view from straight forward, I hated my side profile. The spaces in between my little chiclets had a way of making a cameo when I didn't ask them to. I knew the solution to this situation and it was expensive. Although I surely had the money to pay for the procedure many years ago, I spent it on other things: clothing, traveling, and food. You know, more important things.

That was until this year. This year I had saved enough to pay for them upfront. There is no monthly payment plan for this Lil Jon grill. Nope, it all belongs to me. Although I haven't posted any social media pictures sharing them with the world, I don't mind them. I actually kind of like them. On one hand, lately I have been mistaken for being in my early twenties so this only adds to my fun. On the other hand, they're just cute. My sweet and charming appearance has just been amplified. In addition, this is only temporary. These braces are a means to an end. In two years, I plan on eating hard foods and smiling ear to ear without a second thought. 

No apples formed against me shall prosper!

Monday, January 5, 2015

Guest Post: Comfortable with Nothing by NotYourAllyKat

NotYourAllyKat is back with another post following her 3 part blog series

When I first moved to New York I was full of excitement, hope, and wonder. At the time I literally had like four dollars in my bank account, was sleeping on a couch smaller than me, and no job.  So it’s not strange to me that I was full of excitement, hope, and wonder because since everything else was lacking those feelings were all I had. To have everything you must be comfortable with nothing. As I sit here two years later, with everything I was missing two years ago, I realize it may be time for me to have nothing again.  I’m not talking about moving to some random country (although that, too, sounds appealing) or a reckless career change (I’m actually somewhat good at what I do) but nothing in terms of waste of time relationships.

I have a very generous, open, and free-loving spirit. Throughout the years it has been bruised as I have gave time and time again more than I received. Though that has caused a tough exterior, inside I am still just as soft as cotton candy. Being the tough “cool” girl, I’m the girl that always has someone. Maybe even perhaps a team of guys that all serve different purposes. There’s dinner guy, drinks guy, sex guy, guy I text when I’m bored, guy in a different city that boosts my ego..the list can actually get quite expansive when I allow it to.  My free loving spirit has granted me probably more than the average amount of sexual encounters but the people I have actually cared for can be counted on one hand.

Lately my feelings of excitement, hope, and wonder have been missing and I think it’s because I was wasting time with a guy who I really liked (number 4) but just wasn’t all the way with me. The absolute worse thing you can say to a girl is I really like you and could see myself with you, but I don’t want a relationship. What kind of fucked up mixed signals are those? Everyone knows girls hold on hope to the one little good thing they hear. Actions speak louder than words and in this case his actions were the kind you do when you want a relationship. I was trying to be the “cool” girl and hold on to the good feelings I had when I was around him, ignoring all the blatantly obvious signs of the rising tide that would eventually drown me. I don’t blame him necessarily but wished he could have been a bit more understanding when I was explaining my feelings instead of just saying I told you so.

I don’t want to be the “cool” girl anymore. Being that girl gets you nothing that you want.  Let’s face it although it is not my main priority in life I do want to settle down and be able to call one man my partner in life. Indie Arie says it best, “I am ready for love.” If I were writing this three years ago I would have followed that with a GEY. But it’s not GEY; it’s what I want, eventually. Not today, next month, or even next year but someday. So if you aren't aligned with my life goals then you don't belong in my life. So now I’m back in the desert of nothingness, a sad but smart choice. I guess I’d rather be hot all by myself then lost in the mirage of an oasis of some one else.
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