Thursday, August 20, 2009

Lies Women Tell: That was f%$#*n best!

Installment 5 of 5

Sorry to break it to you honey but at some point in your sexual history, a woman has faked it with you. I know you think but “I’m Mr. Mandingo Super Man that Hoe in the bedroom,” but you have your off days and we accommodate it by faking. (I just found out that men can fake it too, how sickening!) Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you rock your girls’ world, every single time ya’ll go at it. You don’t!

Even my best partner wanted it when I wasn't in the mood for a mind blowing adventure, so I put on a quick show and went about my business. Other men have a problem with consistency. It's a hit or miss. Then you have those, who I never revisit more than once who are so bad, that during the actual act, I’m planning the rest of my week which doesn’t include doing this again. I’ll moan and groan for a little bit and tell you I’m done after a sufficient amount of time has passed. You’ll ask did I get mines and I’ll tell you, “Yes of course.” I’ll really want to know what you were thinking when you tried that new move, but instead I’ll smile until we cuddle ourselves to sleep. If it was unexpectedly bad, I will tell my girls how bad you were. Women do talk about their sexual conquests by the way. She will drag your name through the dirt if you continue to disappoint so don’t ever get too comfortable.

Unfortunately, most women won’t tell you about your bad performance because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. I swear ya’ll get so defensive about sex, “I had a lot on my mind,” you’ll say.

Yeah, uh huh, sure you did.

It might also be that we would really much rather finish watching Grey’s Anatomy then have sex for hours. So we’ll sort of speed the process along with a little acting. It’s not always that it was bad; we may just not be in the mood. So we’ll say something like, “I’m on my period,” if we don’t want to put on a show. It’s the best lie, because it’s not like you’re going to check if we’re telling the truth, unless you’re that horny or that disgusting.

Don’t be upset and think you are exempt as you read this. If a man really wants to know how I think he did, I’d tell him if he’d ask and I thought he was ready for a conversation about it; especially if it can be fixed.

If you’re bold, I dare you to call an ex partner right now, and ask her if she ever faked it, if she says no, that deserves an Oscar for best performance in a bedroom woman is lying!

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