Monday, November 30, 2009

Teaching lessons one pig at a time

This post is a follow-up to a Friday Rant post about a guy who likes to send late night grazing text messages. I finally decided that if this dude was going to continue with this nonsense I might as well kill two birds with one stone- I could have a little fun with him while simultaneously sending him a message.

10:19 p.m. "Hey Guy": Come over tonight
10:20 Me: What’s your address?
10:22 Hey Guy: My address is [dumb ass really sent me his home address] and [here are directions I didn’t ask for because he really thinks I'm on my way.]

My girl and I laugh as we get his hopes as I high as possible.

10:25pm Me: Alright I’ll be there in 10. What are we going to do?
10:27pm Hey Guy: I have lots of brand new screeners from online. So we can watch movies.

Right, you’re sending me your address at 10 p.m. so we can watch movies all night. My homegirl and I decided to make this a little more interesting.


10: 28pm: Me: Nice and after that?
10:28pm Hey Guy: Whatever you want…it doesn’t matter
10:30pm Me: Cool. I’ll wear something comfortable
10:30pm Hey Guy: k

He calls and my girl and I push the phone back and forth between one another until it stops ringing. When he calls back this time, my girl answers. Of course he doesn’t know it's not me, we haven’t spoken since we met two months ago. She tells him she is almost there but is losing service and will call back.

10:45 Me: You sure? Cuz we need to be safe. You’re gonna need to wrap it up. (I’m sure he almost choked when he read this but we were just getting started.)
10:46 Hey Guy: You don’t need to bring anything
10:49 Me: Alright. Just checkin. Cuz I like to have fun. You have toys we can use?
10:50 Hey Guy: Just come
10:52 Me: I hope I can, over and over and over

He calls my cell again, I don’t answer this time.

10:53 Me: Let me in

Meanwhile, I’m actually at a fight party laughing at this entire exchange with my homegirl and grubbin on cold enchiladas.

10:53 Hey Guy: The code is xxxx

The "Hey Guy" calls again, I pass my phone to Detroit and tell him to answer. (We can discuss why I was hangin out with him another time.) He’s so drunk at this point he doesn’t even question me. After letting the guy know that “Silent is busy and can’t come to the phone,” the Hey guy hangs up.

You can believe I don’t get those random text messages in the middle of the night anymore.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Guest Blogger: How to Keep Your Man from Cheating

The Artist Formerly Known as Crabby Cancer was so moved by Younbuck's post that she sent in some tips on how to keep your man in check.

It's true. A woman would be naive to think that once they are in a relationship, their man would stop thinking about other woman. I know it's possible that my man may think about other women; the key is to let your man know that you will CUT him if he goes beyond thinking. Remind him of that every once in a while in subtle ways:

*Play Kelis' "Caught Out There"

"So sick of your games,
I'll set your truck to flames,
And watch it blow up, blow up, (ha ha)
Tell me: How you go'n see her now"

*Watch "A Thin Line Between Love And Hate"

Just think Brandi (Lynn Whitfield) and flash forward to Darnell (Martin Lawrence) in the hospital. You get my drift.

*Watch an episode of Cheaters and remark how the girl "underreacted"

*Cut a banana in front of him

Do this every two months, and you should be fine.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Guest Blogger: YoungBuck

I have a few guy friends and I personally thing they give the best advice on their complicated and weird species. Here is snippet from a conversation I had with my friend YoungBuck the other day:

Guys never stop thinking about other women. That’s just a fact of life. We all can choose whether we will cheat though. That’s about self control. I have come to that realization
It took me till 28-29 to figure that out. Before I realized that I would just cheat and not think about it. I thought that because I thought about other girls that I wanted to do them. So I would. Yes so being faithful is a choice. It doesn't just naturally happen. I always thought it was suppose to naturally happen like I was all of a sudden gonna stop thinking about other girls.


Is this true for all men? Ladies, how do you feel? Do you feel this way too?

I’ll do a separate post with my response next week.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Text Message: I want to see you

So what the heck are you waiting for? An open invitation? Don’t you know the old cliché ‘Closed mouths don’t get fed.’

No I don’t think it’s cute that you are telling me what you want. I think it’s sexy if you told me when it’s going to happen.

How bout the next time you feel yourself about to send a message like this, you ‘clear field’ and replace it with the following:

1. I want to take you out again this Saturday.
2. When do I get the pleasure of your company? Are you free at 8?
3. Does this afternoon work for you, I want to make you dinner. *Pause* Only send this message if you are absolutely sure the girl is feeling you.
4. Let’s go [insert a common activity of interest] this Friday.

Do you notice what all of these statements have in common? They are full of confidence. They tell me that you’re sure I’d want to go out with you again. They show me you’re man enough to set up the date instead of filling my inbox with fluff.

A guy sent me this message yesterday. I kindly told him to CALL me when he wanted to make it happen. He must not realize a) I don’t text date and b) I’m not stroking his ego this early in the game.

Geesh!

How to score a second date

Just ask. Shocking I know. Sometimes the simplest advice is the best advice. If you are feeling a girl and the date was cool, ask her out again at the end of the date. If you like her, what are you waiting for?

Here are some clues to look for throughout the date to let you know if she is going to respond in your favor.

1. Making references to future plans -Next time we go out, we should go Hal’s, it’s a really nice jazz restaurant. It really is too.
2. Character statements-You’ll find out, I’m a really nice girl.
3. Do you want to come inside? Hit it and store the number, you can at least add her to the rotation.

If you are feeling a girl, save both of you the trouble and stress of wondering if you like each other. Ask her out towards the end of the date. If she says no, at least you know now not to spend another minute thinking about her.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday Rant: Darkside followup

After reading Grace’s post yesterday, it really got me thinking. The comments on her post by men, was not of disgust at her outright disdain for lighter tone men. Instead, she was flooded with requests for a response by the men she left out. It just made me wonder, what if her post was written by a dark skin black man. Instead of it being a lighter toned woman praising dark skin men, what if it was a dark skin man, praising lighter toned women. Would the post have been so readily accepted without backlash from dark skin black women? The answer is undoubtedly no! Black woman would have ripped him to shreds. They would immediately be dismissed as sellouts who don’t love themselves, a man who needs validation, etc, etc, etc. Why can’t a black man write the same post, without getting side eyes from his Nubian queens?

As a mid-tone, brown skin, caramel woman (I’ve been called all of the above so you pick.) I feel a sense of pride when someone voices their love for my tone. Yesterday on twitter I posed a Silent Question of the Day: Do you have a preference when it comes to skin tone?

“Brown skin girls walk with this rhythm I still can’t explain to this day. Kryptonite. :(“

I secretly shouted ‘that’s right!’ when I read this reply. I mean I should take pride in it right? Shouldn’t it be as tolerable for a light skin woman or man to do the same when someone claims their tone is more likeable?

Darkside...pt2

Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, caramel, mocha, pecan, black licorice. It doesn't matter what flavor or shade of chocolate you are, I enjoy the entire rainbow. Speaking as a woman who has dated all shades of men, including men of other races, I have concluded that men are men. I for one don't care what shade you are as long as you're not ugly. Yeah, I said ugly. I have no quorums in admitting I don't date ugly. Ugly has no color. Assholes have no color. Vain men have no color. Cockiness has no color. Masculinity has no color.

I don't believe in the stereotypes that one shade is more shady, more masculine, more [insert skin tone stereotype] than the other. I think each man has his own issues and skin complexion doesn't make you more or less appealing for me. I have other measurements for that. If for some reason I did hold those stereotypes about men, near and dear, I couldn't be upset if a man said he only dated or didn't date women with my skin complexion because I help validate their blackness (truestory), lighter toned women are not as mean as dark skin women (truestory) or that dark skin women are not as beautiful (truestory times 10.) I don't blame anyone for seeking out the aesthetic qualities that get them going. I have mine too, complexion just happens not to be one of them.

I think our complexion is the beauty of being black, there is just no one thing. We come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and shades, and each one is amazing and unique! Well, we may have to do a different post on shapes and sizes, because I definitely have preferences on those...but no matter what the shade, I'll take a GOOD man any day.

Check out my other blog ihatethewayyoueatcereal for part 1 and 3

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Little Willy

Ahhh Pepito. That was his name. Really, that was his nickname. Little did I know, it held so much significance to him physically. Pepito had the body of a track star, face of a model and lips like well you know. He knew what to do with those lips. I was so blinded by his looks, yes women date based on just looks too, that I wasn't worried about anything else. In hindsight I should have seen the signs; they were so clear, but my young self didn't know all that I know now. I feel its necessary to share some wisdom with my younger, less experienced female readers. (I'm not that experienced don't get me twisted, just very attentive to little things.)

The first thing I noticed but just chopped up to being a gentleman and possesing a lot of self control was he...

Moved slow

We were dating for a few months before he tried anything, I mean anything on me. I'm not saying I need a man to rip my clothes off on a first date. But after several dates, I need to know that you are interested in me sexually. Even when we did get closer I never questioned why he was so....

Eager to please

Why would I? I was enjoying myself and all I had to do was sit back and relax. Now this doesn't mean that all men with little penises are all experts at Oral Sex but boy will they try their hardest and go for a loooonnng time. After he's done he'll just want to cuddle. I should have noticed from our previous conversations that he...

Never discusses his member

Normally when I'm dating a man for a long period of time, he will make some type of reference to his penis. He will brag about the width, the gurth or tell me how well he knows how to use it. But men with small penises act like it doesn't exist. The biggest sign of all was...

He has a BIG ego

and not the type Beyonce was singing about. This man overcompensated in other parts of his life. He drove a big truck, wore big shoes (its LA, why are you always wearing Tims) and talked a big game. Ladies, big hands does not always mean he has a big friend. The only thing you can only be sure of is that he wears big gloves.


I believe its okay to stop all sexual activity and walk out on this type of man. Trust me, he's use to it. He even has a pep talk for himself after you leave. Once youre gone he will chant all of his other qualities and hope one day he finds a woman who doesn't run as soon as they feel his shortcomings, like I did.

I said: "We're moving way too fast. We need to stop."
Translation: What the funk is that? A pencil??!?! Where is your penis?"

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In HER Inbox

I stole this from Kerry Crenshaw over at IHATETHEWAYYOUEATCEREAL

Awwwww this one is so sweet I started smiling and just had to share:

I hope all is well with you in XXXXXXXX. I miss our conversations; your brilliant, witty, yet ironically subdued intellect; your laugh & how you’d sometimes give me a hard time and ACT like you could care less, just because you are (K.C.)…

I know this all sounds wack, but yes I miss my homie friend .

I kinda found myelf daydreaming about, well, YOU for what had to have been about 2mins…which is hella long in real time. So I thought I’d write you to tell you that I am proud of you, I am praying for you, and that i still think you are one of the sexiest women I know.

Work hard…Play just as hard (every once and a while though lol)

-XXXXX

And that my dear friends is how you do it!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Randomness: Booty Booty Booty


A friend sent this picture to the left and the comment it received to my inbox moments ago.

"Her ass is simple amazing, something like a masterpiece. Her ass needs to be given much critical praise, I consider one of gods greatest works of art...Outstanding, powerful. Someone needs to write a book about her ass!"

I'd really like to know from a male's perspective what the big deal is about having a big ass. I was fortunate to have a nice size derriere so I have never had any complaints. Depending on who I'm standing next to or what I'm wearing I can go from Gabrielle Union looking ass to Ms. Traci Ellis Ross looking ass. Why do some men lose their minds when they see a big ass?

What's the big ASS deal?

Why are some men breasts men and some booty men?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program

Earlier this week I said I was going to stop writing until I had some good news. Well my life isn’t ever that black and white and I can’t still long enough for a clear definition of good news to happen. Also, since I can’t talk to the majority of my national friends over the phone, I started this blog for. I blast myself on the internet to give them access into my world.

Something positive did happen but I don’t want to go into too much detail just yet. Have you ever not wanted to speak about something good because you were too afraid you were going to jinx it, well that’s what’s going on now. One of the guys I have ranted about numerous times has done the unthinkable. It’s a good unthinkable though; something totally out of his character. When I finally tell you what it is next week you probably won’t think it’s that big of a deal. But when this guy decided to change the major complaint I have about him for over a year, for me, I take note. I have made note and it is greatly appreciated. We won’t be testing out this new change until next week, which is why I’m so apprehensive about writing what it is he did.

Stay tuned because either way, I will have a post about it next week. Until then, I do have a few things to get off my chest this week. I know its already mid week but I’m in the mood for writing. So you’ll see at least 3 new posts from me following this. I hope you’re still reading.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Untitled

To all my readers, aka the few people who have found this blog, thank you for following my sometimes interesting dating life. I don't know if I've been especially picky lately or if nice men are avoiding me, but all of my posts lately have been male bashing. I don't want you to think that I hate all men. I don't. I just don't have time or the patience for bullshit or incompatability. So until I have something nice to say, I wont say anything.

Hopefully that means you will hear from me sooner than later with some kind of hopeful story. Until then, I need a break from the madness that is my dating life.

P.S.

I am bipolar sometimes, so you may see a rant from me before the week is over. I get so much material from the men I surround myself with.

::sigh::
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