Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sex, Samiches, Shut That Mouf by Mr. Fantastic

Greetings my weebles,

Tis I says me, the Extraordinary Gentleman Mr. Fantastic, here to deliver a public service announcement.



Recently, my dear friend wrote a note detailing steps a man should take as to not get caught cheating on his mate.

This message has been met with backlash from males and females because they felt too much of the game was being told. Further, people felt like it was promoting promiscuity in relationships. This is FALSE!! This is simply a guide for those who are cheating on their mates to move about doing so in a manner that leads to the least amount of conflict and drama. Cheating happens when one of the parties in the relationship is not being completely fulfilled by their mate.

"But Mr. Fantastic, how do I know if my my mate is happy??" I'm glad you asked, that is actually the point of this message. While the #1 way to assure of anything in a relationship is to ASK YOUR MATE WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY !!! You are not to blame if they don't tell you, but you are at least part to blame if you don't ask.

However, as a man, I feel I can give the women pointers on how to keep you man happy in a relationship. Feel free to agree or disagree, man or woman, I have found that most of these have stood the test of time.

*** THESE THINGS ARE NOT WHAT ATTRACTS A MAN TO YOU OR WHAT HE LOOKS FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP, SIMPLY WHAT WOULD KEEP HIM HAPPY IN A RELATIONSHIP ALL OTHER ASPECTS HAVE TO REMAIN CONSTANT FOR THIS TO WORK !!! FURTHERMORE, THE TITLES ARE SIMPLY FOR ALLITERATION PURPOSES ONLY, DON'T GET YOUR UNDER-ROOS IN A BUNCH !!

Now then, carry on children.

Sex - This is rather self-explanatory. If you're not having sex with your man he's PROBABLY not happy about it... Do better. Not saying you have to be a machine, but having a headache or being too tired 5 of 7 days a week ain't gonna cut it either. Also, know what he likes and try doing it. If he wants you to be double-jointed, that may be outta your hands, but if he just wants you to fondle his balls, grab a handful for love. And stop with never giving head thing, if you're in a committed relationship, in which you aspire to have grow to something more, you are almost certainly going to have to pop a dick in your mouth at some point. For the most part ladies, you would be livid if you never got your vagina licked for the rest of your days, we feel the same way.

Samiches - Again, for alliteration purposes this section is called Samiches. This is basically, be willing to cook for your guy. Nothin' says lovin' like some hot food. "But what if I can't cook??" That's fine, learn how to make a helluva samich. Be able to order his favorite pizza without always asking what he wants on it. And we're not asking for you to be Wolfgang Puck every night, but at least sometimes. We'll be willing to do (or attempt, for the culinarily challenged, like myself) the same for you.

Shut That Mouth - WHOA WHOA WHOA !!! I told you this was for alliteration purposes... Shut that mouth DOES NOT mean we want you going around being subservient cavewomens and the such. But much like there are times in which you simply don't have the time, patience or energy to deal with whatever it is we are going thru, there are times in which we don't want to talk. All we ask is that you be mindful of times that we don't want to talk right now. I don't need you to mind read, but if I say," I had a rough day at work, I just wanna relax a bit" or you KNOW I been waitin' on the Lakers game all week, don't choose right now to have to prioritize YOUR life over mine. I am more than willing at the conclusion of my event to talk to you about yours. If nothing is going to be able to be done about it between now and the end of the game or before I can throw back a drink and unwind, WHY burden me even more ??? Doesn't make much sense, now I am tuning you out or we're arguing and we BOTH feel worse AND I MISSED THE GAME !!!

That is basically it. I know you think there has to be more to men..... No, there's not. We're simple. Follow these steps and you can keep your male friend happy.

1 comment:

Reecie said...

Sounds about right...men truly are simple creatures, but at least you can admit it. If I didn't overestimate the emotional and mental sophistication of men all these years I would probably be a rich housewife by now. Oh well!

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