Sunday, December 4, 2016

I don't like Christmas yet

I want to. Everyone else does. But this time of year is the hardest time for me. It's weird, I'm fine on my mothers' birthday in September. Honestly I sometimes forget her birthday even though it's tattooed on my rib cage. A couple days after Thanksgiving however I remember Her voice, the call, the terror, the anger, and confusion. 

Poinsettias, bright lights, joyous friends and families begin to engulf my usually quiet life. I do my best to fall in line. I've even made my apartment a muted winter wonderland. But I am not as joyous as I may seem and feel like I have to be. I could have used the word 'passing' instead of 'death' huh. But it's too pretty of a word to describe how I'm currently feeling. I'm ready for the month to be over. Over the past year I've become a lot more honest and open with my feelings. The good and the bad. On one hand, its wonderful for some of my relationships and has brought me closer to some people in my life. On the other hand I've always suppressed and continue to suppress a lot of feelings I have about what happened in 2002. I've worked through some with a therapist but I coined the mantra, time does NOT heal all wounds. 

Today I was having a wonderful time hanging out with friends watching football. My fantasy team was pulling ahead in this weeks match up. My tummy was full of cookies and good baked ziti. A little time passed after my friends' fiancĂ© put on Christmas music and it happened. Tears and tears and tears. After some probing, my friends found out I needed them to turn the Christmas music off. While I want to continue to have the opportunity to participate in the holiday and hang out with friends, I've never gotten over the last Christmas with my mother. She had a stroke at work 3 days prior. The doctor told us that she would recover so I was selfishly annoyed that I had to go to the hospital on Christmas Day instead of eating a home cooked meal. What a selfish brat I was. Little did I know what would happen just two days later. 

I truly hope that one day I can feel joy when this time of year comes around. I know I'll have to for my future kids (who will know that EYE paid for all those wonderful gifts, not some fictional white man). 

But for now, I still don't like Christmas yet. 
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