Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Doing Some Laundry

Although I haven’t had the pleasure of viewing her thought provoking reality show, I have been hearing a lot of backlash regarding Chili and her list. I did some research because I hate speaking on subjects I know nothing about, it’s the detective in me, and I did find her requirements for a potential male suitor:

He can't eat pork, or have more than two baby mamas. He must be fine, with at least a four-pack. Last, but definitely not least, he must have a really huge package.

Now before all the men start chiming in about how women have such long lists, please don’t act innocent. I have someone with your plumbing who did the exact same thing in a very public outlet. In a recent interview, Dhani Jones from the travel show, Dhani Jones Tackles the Globe, discussed what he was looking for in his potential life partner. I’m assuming most of you have never heard of him, neither did I until I read his book, I mean ridiculous checklist. He makes Chili’s list laughable. I had to shorten it but here are the highlights:

Smart, quick-witted, yet possesses a calming motherly quality, adventurous, sporty, speaks languages, tall, slender (but she can be a little bit thicker,) exotic, maybe light brown/olive complected/mixed background. well-traveled, huge heart, creative soul, strong, independent. stands firm behind her man (but not in front, perhaps beside), long hair, no weave, incredible hands, insatiable eyes, wants a huge family, can talk to a homeless person or a wealthy person, she can play in the mud in the morning and go to a black tie event at night, she’s ok on her own but she loves her man, independently wealthy helps.

After much thought I decided to share my own list since it seems to be the thing to do, you know if Chili can find someone this way, maybe I should try and speak my desires into truth. Here’s my list:

He must be single and have have a working* Jimmy.

I know I know I’m asking for a lot right. A lot of my male friends assume that I must have a long list that matches Dhani, because well, I’m a single black woman and you know we all walk, talk, and think exactly the same way. You know our type, we’re all angry, bitter, nagging, destined to be future spinster’s bitches. I’m working on that fellas. (read sarcasm)

At one point in my na├»ve early 20s I had a stupid list. But over time and me constantly dating resumes instead of people that I realized how dumb my list was. I shortened it to what I have above; those are 2 things I will not budge on. Everything else I say on this blog and twitter are just preferences but I'm pretty flexible. Actually, if you lined up the last few guys I seriously dated the only thing they would have in common for sure, is what I have listed above. I think it’s important to know what you want but not to have so many rules that you end up missing out on great people. Now, I'll go back to focusing my time and energy on bettering myself and eventually I'll meet him. Whoever he is.

*Working: Functioning and satisfying

Friday, May 7, 2010

Woman to Woman

Dear woman who is dating my future husband,

I hope this letter finds you well during the temporary relationship you have with my future. Unfortunately you are not the woman he will call his wife, as I am the only person who will hold that title til death does us part. I am not writing you to start any drama, the two of you will part on good terms because well, he is a good man BUT I need you to make sure he stays that way by the time he meets me. I am not a home wrecker so this will come long after the two of you part ways.

You see I've noticed a pattern with some of the men I have come in contact with and I am hoping to resolve this issue before I meet him. Women, especially in LA LA land, do not hold their mates to any standards.

Please hold him accountable when he does something wrong. Whether its forgetting to call or picking up the phone instead of texting, please make sure he does all the things he is supposed to do. Because when he gets to me, I don't want him acting brand new when I hold him accountable.

Please don't poke holes in the condoms. Before you turn your face upside down, relax and listen. I am going to love him either way, but I'd appreciate if he didn't accidently get you pregnant. You see I know him, even if we haven't met, and he will do everything in his power not to have kids before he meets me, his wife. So don't try to trap him with a child he will surely take care of.

Please don't hurt him or betray his trust. I am not in the sport of cleaning up someone else's mess so I would appreciate if you left his heart in tact for me. When he breaks up with you don't key his car, don't burn his clothes, just walk away. Although I can drive him to the repair shop and go with him when he needs to purchase new clothes, I'd like him to leave you with what he came with. You guys aren't meant to be anyway so when its time to let it go, LET HIM GO! He will eventually find his way to me and the thought of you will be but a memory.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my letter. I will not be looking for a response seeing as this is the last time we will ever have contact.

Sisterly,

Silent

P.s. This letter will self destruct in 20 seconds.
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