The Break-Up List

Rachel: Girl, I don't know why I stopped talking to Jerome.

Nicole: You don't remember how he made you hold his piece**?

Rachel: He needed that for protection. I blame society not him.

Nicole: How about how when he was driving your car, got shot at in it, left your car in the street with the key in the ignition because he didn't want to get caught by the police? Oh and lets not forget your uncle had to pick it up from the impound.

Rachel: Girl that wasn't really his fault. That could happen to anyone. I got my car back didn't I?

Nicole: What about the fact that he has no where to live and if yall get back together, he'll ask to move back in?

Rachel: Oh yeah, he used to eat up all my fruit snacks, I don't know what I was thinking.

*The names of these stories have been changed to protect the identity of those parties involved. These are true events!



**A Gun, knife, or other weapon.

You ever end a relationship and after a while wonder why? When I first end a relationship, I constantly remind myself why I walked away. But after some time has passed, those negative memories begin to fade and all of the great things my old partner used to do rise to the surface like oil in water. As more time passes, I sometimes question why it is exactly things didn't work out. For this reason, dating me includes a revolving door. For the most part, every guy from my past has reentered it several weeks, days or even years later because from what I remember, the break-up wasn't that bad. I can't let this happen again, especially not with Jerse.

Since I'm all about being prepared for the future, I came up with what I have dubbed 'The Break-Up List.' What I did was take out a sheet of paper (a laptop won't show the emotion like a pen stroke) and wrote down all the reasons I originally decided to end things with him. I included examples just in case my future self thought I was exaggerating the circumstances. When I had the urge to reach out to him, I picked up my list and smacked myself. After reading #4 on my list, I recalled a time he disappeared for a few days. No call. No text. Nothing. Oh how quickly we forget.

Its only been a week but its working so far. I haven't said one peep to him. As a matter of fact, I just thought of something else to add to that list. Smdh.

How do you make sure not to repeat the same mistakes? Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? How do you keep yourself from contacting an old flame?

He Put A Ring On It!

Not me fool, on my girl Mocha. I've known her since the beginning of her relationship with her man and I could tell by the way she talked about him that this day would come one day. I was overjoyed when a little over two years later she asked me to witness the union and I must say it was the most beautiful ceremony I've ever been to. I've been to my share of weddings, especially in the past year, but that was by far the best one. Not because the dinner was finger licking good. Not because they had the best live band who covered all the hits. No it was because I've never seen a couple that much in love. The doting, the beaming, the I-don't-see-anyone-else-right-now-because-I-love-you look was a regular visitor throughout the ceremony and reception by both parties. I know they are going to spend a wonderful lifetime together.

When I returned home, as is always the case for me after a wedding I start reflecting on my current, future and past relationships. One thing stuck in my head throughout my plane ride home, what was I going to do about Jerse? You see I've still been seeing him for the past couple of months and he's been my mistress to this blog. Seeing my girl wed her beau made me want to clear his jumpoff status. The only way I was going to openly write about him here, is if I had a talk with him about a few things first. You know those hard hitting questions you're supposed to ask early on, well I delayed them until I got back.

Unfortunately, I got some answers I didn't want. And as much as I tried to convince myself I could handle them, my melodramatic exit from his condo proved otherwise. I'm sad to report that Jerse's second and last entry to this blog is this one. Luckily I'm able to openly write about it this morning. Last night I must admit, I did swat away a tiny ass tear, but I manned up. I'm good now. The lesson learned from my experience with him is that ignoring a problem won't make it go away. Those unanswered questions that are nagging you about your relationship need to be dealt with head on.

I know what I want and I refuse to settle for less. I'm not saying that Jerse should have put a ring on it, no sir I would have laughed first, asked if he was serious later and ran faster than Usian Bolt out of his condo. What I am saying is know what you want and don't compromise yourself for anything less. Jerse got the we should be friends follow-up text because well after I get over wanting to run him over with my car, I think I still want him in my life. He was here for a reason, his season has ended but he's not the person I'm destined to spend a lifetime with.

Dating Report Card: Personality Goggles

Most people in a dimly lit, loud, over packed environment also known as a bar/club get "beer goggles" after a few alcoholic beverages. Since I hardly ever drink, I get what I have affectionately dubbed personality googles. This means that my ability to judge someone's intentions and compatibility are shot to hell due to combination of those distorting factors.

Without getting into too much detail and telling on myself, I'll give you the short hand version of how I met this gentlemen. While making my way outside for a break, it was too damn hot in there, a guy stopped me and asked for my name. I whispered "Silent" in his ear and kept walking. He grabbed my arm and asked to speak with me. I looked him over. Short but cute, I was bored so, "come with me," came out of my mouth.

What did we talk about outside you may ask? Obviously I have no clue based on what happened a few days later. Fast-forward to yesterday and our "date."

Punctuality: n/a

I was late because after a brief phone conversation with him I suspected that my judging capabilities were off that night. But I was a woman of my word so I went out with him anyway.

Creativity: F

He was very adamant about me meeting him at this one particular restaurant his "homie" worked at. I didn't want to keep arguing so I agreed to make my way there. As I arrived I saw him sitting with another gentleman. His "brother." (I start to remember from the night before that he called two other men who looked nothing like him, his "brother." ) Surprise. Surprise. This is a group date. No one told me, I would have prepared, meaning not showed up.

Chemistry: F

Apparently I speak too proper for his tastes. He asked me where my mother was from and I told him the Compton/Watts area. Considering she is from both I didn't stutter in my explanation. He mocked me for including area in the sentence. Seriously, you're mocking me for being too proper. I was waiting for him to tell me I spoke like a white girl. I'm a no holds barred girl, so I would have followed up with you speak like an ignorant thug told him that we had nothing in common and walked out if he had. I wish he had.

Allow me to go off-script from the usual dating report card because I really want you to get the 3D effect of this outing. He did excel at some things so I don't want you to think I'm a complete bitch. I'm considerate sometimes.

Drunkness: A+

There was a lot of joking and surface scratching going on at the table. Too bad (read thank goodness) it was between myself and his homeboy. My date was too wasted to even put two coherent sentences together. He occasionally had an outburst but his friend and I would mock him and continue our conversation.

Annoyance: A+

If I had to give a grade for how annoying he was, this is the only level he would excel at. Within 2 minutes of me sitting down, he asked me to buy him a drink. I thought he was joking until he asked me 4 more times within out 90 minute date.

Cheapness: A+

He and his friend argued with both our waiter and the manager about which drinks were included in happy hour. I was so tempted to pull out my credit card, pay the $35 tab and exit stage left. At this point I again found myself waiting for Hell Date camera's to come out, again, and tell me I had just been played. It never happened.

Overall: Epic Fail

He not only got an F but so did I. I should have taken more time to speak with him prior to meeting up. Those personality goggles messed me up but it was my responsibility to have a proper interrogation conversation before wasting my gas. At least I had something to blog about this morning. Silver lining?

 

Black [Female] Marriage Negotiations

While consuming my weekly dose of Belle, I stumbled upon this highly amusing video from AlumniRoundUp.com.



I know this is how many of my readers (who don't pay attention nor know me very well) view my blogging. I almost cried at the end, its so damn funny.

A few quotables:

"Sisters, are you tired of being alone."

"Where are all the good black men, I can't find one."

"Black men can't handle a strong black woman, you're too sensitive."

If someone can help me find the female version of this video (What black women think about how black men think), I would be greatly indebted.

Happy Friday Yall!

Cuddle Buddy Season

Its that time of year folks. The leaves are turning colors, the sun is going into hiding earlier and the old boos have dusted off my phone number and are using it again. This past Saturday was the beginning of Fall but I didn't need my calendar to tell me that. All I needed was to see the calls and text messages of several past boos. For me, it happens like clockwork every year. Since I never really end on bad terms per se with past suitors, they don't see the harm in calling my phone. They know the least I'll do is be cordial and if I have selective amnesia the timing is right and I'm bored receptive, I'd actually consider going out with them again.

It all makes perfect sense if you think about it:

1. Its cold outside (unless you're in hell, presently known as LA), so what better time than the fall to have a warm body around.

2. Warm tempartures mean less people are venturing outside so if you can't meet someone new, you may as well go to what wasn't completely broken right.

3. All guys think once they've been intimate with a lady, that they can get it anytime. Sorry my dear, us women have the power when it comes to revisiting the past.

If you want to take the lazy route this fall/winter cutty cuddle season, don't half step. Do all those things you did in the beginning to get her attention. I know those times in the past when I did decide to revisit an old flame, it was because they reminded me why I started liking them in the first place. Frequent phone calls, planned outings and great conversation. Of course by the end of the season, around the end of January, the remind me again why it didn't work out. Conveniently thats right before Valentines Day. Mhmmmm. That's another post for another time.

What say you Cereal Readers: Am I the only person who gets these calls the same time every year? Have you ever dated someone from your past again? How did it work out for you?

Reason #25116 Why I Won't Tell Facebook My Status

Is having a man like getting an Oscar? This is not a completely rhetorical question. Think about it, when a woman (do men encourage this?) get into a relationship, they implore an awkward conversation about the public link. I used to think that without putting it on Facebook, a relationship wasn't serious. Boy has that opinion totally changed!**

One of my girls recently entered a relationship and decided to let the world know by linking with her new beau on Facebook. I am excited and happy for her because she's excited and happy. I can see the joy in her new profile pic with this new man but I'm sorry the party bus stops there. Why is it that in 12 hours, she has already had 7 people, all girls mind you, comment on the relationship change? It really got me thinking, is this the third most important change in a relationship for a woman, behind getting married and having a baby. Is this what I have to look forward to when I enter a relationship? Granted I will not be posting my status change on the internet for the world to see, those who know me will have been along for the ride so they won't have to throw me a yay you're committed to one person party.

Also, do men do this to other men. If you see your homeboy, who you rarely speak to, change his status to in a relationship, do you bombard his wall and text message inbox with congratulation messages?

This isn't a post really...just some random thinking.

Speak your peace in the comment section.

**I am not knocking anyone who wants to express this change with the world, I am simply stating that it is not for me.

I wanna lose count!

Can you recount how many times you were intimate with your current or most recent partner? How many times you bumped uglies in the bedroom. How many times you've almost been arrested together for indecent exposure. How many times you've faked climaxed in a place other than your home. If the answer is yes, welcome to the “count em up club.” The club where you know all the details and number of times you were intimate with your current/past partner. This club is mainly for us single folk; I apologize to those of you who are active members of both this club and the “my partner give me any” club. I feel your pain.

Losing count signifies so much for me as a single woman. When this day comes again, I will most likely already be or be on my way to a committed relationship. While I am a sexually open person, I am not the casual sex type. I don't knock the people that are because for one very brief moment in my life, I was, but at this stage it just isn't for me. My best sexual experiences were with people that I connected with on other levels first. I got to know their likes and dislikes, plans for the future and then what made them make that constipated (keep doing that-strike through) face. I want this again so badly I can taste it (read both ways). I'm giddy and frustrated with anticipation of this day.

If you find yourself on a similar path don't lose hope. Just raise your glass, to the day when you can lose count again.

Currently at 20 weeks and counting. *Silent Shrug*

Friday Rambling

This was an actual phone conversation but I didn't feel like thinking of a witty, subject encompassing title so here is where I placed it.

Him: When do you have time off work again?

Me: I work a full-time 9-5 I'd have to request time off.

Him: I want to know what I have to do to get you to take time off and meet me in the D.R. next week. I can get you your own room or I can sleep on the cot in my room.

Me: That's not happening anytime soon. How bout we work on getting to know each other over the phone for a couple of months and see what happens.

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I met a guy in Miami a couple of weeks ago and we've had intermittent contact since. I was planning on friend zoning him since I decided after last years ma-lay that I wouldn't part take in long distance anything. I won't ask you what he thought would happen by offering international trips because I can break it down for you:

He's in the entertainment business so he thought I would be impressed. (Side-note: If he'd said anywhere in Europe I might have considered saying yes. I kid. I kid.) Anyway this brings up a subject that we Cereal Daters have addressed before but I figured I'd make a note for myself to fully detail later. I'm thinking of titling it "You can catch more bee's with honey and more hoe's with flights." Corny, right. I'll work on it this weekend. His proposition totally turned me off especially considering we've had a conversation about women only wanting him because of who he knows in the business.

Really? You don't know why you only attract groupies. I'll break it down for you next week, until then I'll let you marinate on this snippet.

An Open Letter to Myself: Stop that shit!

If you follow me on twitter then you have no doubt been witness to the my behavior when dealing with men who catch me off guard, men who I have an immediate attraction to and any man that my brain tells my conscious is appealing. When I am aware of a man’s appeal, I turn into a 16 year old girl. Not stiletto wearing (their shoe game puts mine to shame), sexually active, foul mouth sixteen year old of today’s society. The old school one we think of before Britney Spears ruined the image of an innocent girl in a white collared shirt, plaid tennis skirt and cute glasses.

The purpose of this letter is to hold myself accountable for this type of action. I have said several times that my coward behavior needed to change but have yet to set this declaration into motion. Well this is it. Yesterday I wanted to Chris Brown myself. Dramatic I know but I want to bring you into the inner workings of my sick mind. I’m walking out of the gym after a quick midnight run I notice two gentlemen approaching the entrance as I’m exiting. The tall one is somewhat attractive and eyeing me down so I encourage myself not to tense up when I walk by. I can get really clumsy when I’m focusing on not making a spectacle of myself. What do you think I do first in this situation? If you know me at all then you know the answer: I immediately avoid the possibility of eye contact and turn my head.

[insert shaking my damn head]

Then as I’m passing the duo, I hear the tall one who’s closest to me say ‘Hello.’ Seeing as I hadn’t completely passed them yet, I notice that he has stopped dead in his tracks awaiting my response. ‘’

Here is my immediate chain of thoughts:

“Okay Silent don’t mess this up. He’s cute and doesn’t mind that your hair is a mess, clothes don’t match and tennis shoes are well …. let’s just say I’ve had them for 6 years and have raced several 5 and 10k’s throughout LA in them. But he may just be being friendly so stop over thinking and respond. Shit Silent speak you’re about to pass them by!”

My response: “Hi” (read in the voice of a 16 year old girl who has a crush on the star football player who she didn’t even know she existed.)

Dear Silent,

Your brain has put your subconscious on probation. If this ish happens again your mouth will purposely say the first thing that comes to mind. You need to man up and grow out of that ish. You’re messing it up for the rest of us organs who dwell inside you, mainly your heart. Get that ish together. Let go and let it flow.

Signed,

Your concerned heart

Would You Date Yourself?

Yesterday's post reminded me about all of the inconsistent standards and requirements people have for their potential mate. Men don't want women with too much mileage when they are admittedly chopping down more women than Weezy F Baby. Men want women who are built like Nicki Minaj while they look like Rick Ross and their only work out includes picking up donuts and inserting into their mouths on a daily. (Post about this coming soon.) They want a young version of the model/mogul Tyra while their asses have bill collectors stored in their phones under 'I Aint Gotcha Money." The question I want to pose is simple: Would you date yourself? This question applies to both males and females.

I think its important that we understand what we offer before we can demand something from anyone else. You can amend the question to fit every part of your life.

Would you be your friend? Some of yall less reliable than a Diddy contract.

Would you kiss yourself? If people stand at least an arm distance away from you to have a conversation, you'd have a hard time tasting your own halitosis.

The list could on for days. My point is it’s easy to create a list of potential traits we want our mates to bring to the table but we should first evaluate what, if anything, we bring. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and were able to pass your own requirements? Do you think its fair to require something of someone else that you yourself aren't even close to possessing? If you can’t write down the things you bring to the table and say you would date yourself, maybe you should make some changes to both your list (I say burn the damn list) and yourself.

Dating Rule #16: No Looking Back

Although I’m supposed to stop dissecting conversations I have with the opposite sex (self imposed hiatus,) it’salmost second nature and sometimes I can’t help it. Trying to put together subtle comments is like a puzzle I can’t put away before bedtime. I need all the pieces to fit together so I can marvel at my masterpiece. I was having a random conversation with a guy I’m not dating. If you notice I seem to have a lot of these types of conversations for one of two reasons. They catch me when I’m sitting down doing nothing and I don’t mind killing time or I actually like talking to them but know for one reason or another even though our paths aren’t destined to end with one each other.

Throughout our two-hour long conversation with said gentleman, he made a couple of statements that made me question the purpose of his phone call. First, he started off with the predictable, ‘How have you been?’ That led us into a 30 minute conversation on mostly his life. He’s a talker and I’m a really good listener. Further into the exchange (used loosely) we got into talks about future career plans and where he wants to be. Again, I listened he continued sharing.

Basically he has taken a step back from women and dating. I guess that would explain why he called me. I feel like I’m his comfort zone. He knows he can call me and I’ll listen. Three comments stood out and are the basis of this post. (Sorry I’m so long winded today, I’m trying to avoid actually working at work.)

1. He’s going to be home all weekend.
2. For the 4th of July he’ll be at the park watching fireworks alone.
3. He’ll be without a car so….(this isn't the same situation as Youngin. This guy is normally mobile.)

I guess at this point I was supposed to invite myself over for the upcoming weekend. Taking our history into account, I’m sure that’s what he expected. When I told him goodnight without doing so, he sounded a bit confused. I don’t want to go backwards in dating. I’m moving full speed ahead without looking back.

How A Summer Fling Can End Before It Began

The summer officially began last week but I knew at that point that this relationship I was building wasn't going to make it past June gloom. The summer fling, can I call it that considering we were never sexual, with Youngin is over. I know the sun hasn't even made an appearance yet but I’m just not at a point in my life where I can't spend my precious (no Gabby) time frolicking with a man I have no future with. It’s funny, when we hung out Sunday and he kept asking me to change my music, all I could think about is how much fun I’d be having if he wasn’t there. Each time he kissed my cheek, I thought about how I was going to finish my book ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ when we parted. I knew at that moment that it was the last time I was going to see him.

I tried to give us time for something to develop but it wasn’t there and I can’t do anything about that. Let me clear that up, there was some sexual tension between us, he’s such a cutie and fun to be around but that was it. We made no connection outside of that. I couldn’t see myself going out with him again and talking about nothing. The dilemma I now have is how to tell him that.

I know I should probably tell him the truth but I feel like it would hurt him more than a little white lie. As an adult, I’m supposed to tell the truth right, that’s what men want. But do they really? I just want to take the easy way out and tell him I’m pursuing a relationship with some imaginary person.

How should I let him know that I want to be platonic associates who never speak or see each other in the future? Also, do I have to call and tell him or can I just send a text message. I don’t feel a phone call is required since we only went out a few times, but I have been told otherwise.

Things Can't Get Any Worse

I woke up this morning in a very good mood. I thought about the last several months of my dating life and it dawned on me, things can't get any worse. After I was told that a date had to be canceled this weekend because the gentlemen didn't have any money for gas, I couldn't do anything but laugh. The suitor attempted to borrow his friends car but I told him that would not be necessary. He recently lost his job and I figured he should focus on getting himself together and not about "courting" me. He actually wasn't too happy with my response but well, because I care I told him not to jump through so many hurdles just to see me. There are more important things in life than dating, so he should focus on that. Honestly I am not sure I will ever see him again, the flame that I thought I was developing for him has been put out.

Even if my dating life does get worse, I'll still be sporting my million dollar smile. Why? Because at some point, they'll get better.

*shouldershrug*

Just Sit and Look Pretty

Originally this was going to be a Dating Report Card since I went out with Youngin again last week. But date 2 brought up some of the same issues as Date 1 and I decided to address those instead. Earlier this year I told a friend that the men I seriously date only have two things in common: they were all single and had working male parts. Well it seems that I lied. I’ve realized that they were also smart, well spoken and intellectual men with a good head on their shoulders. Actually they were all also good at giving…wait no no no no that’s not the point of this post, let me focus. Oh yeah they all challenged me intellectually.

At one point in every conversation with them, I would find myself thinking about something insightful they had mentioned during our rendezvous. My definition of smart does not mean that they wanted to talk about how the housing market is affecting the economy (home sales have plunged 33 percent since May if you wanted to know.) It may have been their views on why Beyonce is empowering women by wearing leotards and telling her man to put a ring on it. I really had an intelligent debate about this very topic (that's not really his views those were mine.) The way he could vocalize his opinion, like a few had before him, and actually make me question my own was so damn sexy. No matter which ex “ship” I discuss, I can name a conversation, usually early on, that made me say hmm this is one smart cookie and I want a bite.

Unfortunately the same cannot be same for Youngin. At several points during our boat ride, (I made it for the ride this time!) I found myself looking completely intrigued by the words that were coming out of his cute mouth. Not because they were thought provoking but because Youngin thought his flawed logic actually made for a good defense. In between him giving me a rose and whispering sweet nothings in my ear, I discovered that he probably has a few hidden blond streaks in his beautiful mane. I bet if I shook him hard enough I would hear his brain rolling around. Okay that’s harsh (and very extreme) but you get my drift. He is a cutie none the less so I want to keep him around. Don’t judge me.

What do YOU think I should do? Should I call it quits since I think this won’t lead anywhere, or continue seeing him because he’s fun to be around? I mean I know me, I'm most attracted to a man's mind and I'm already questioning where his head is at. (too easy) Have you ever continued dating someone even when you thought there was no future?
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Just call me PUMA

All of the above come to mind when I think of Youngin. He's such a cutie. (I seem to use this phrase a lot when referring to him so get used to it) But he is 2.5 years my junior. Something I am not really accustomed to. So I have affectionately nicknamed him Youngin.

He was slow to approach last week when I met him at his Fraternity's Anniversary function. We caught a few glances and mouthed hello to each other before we finally sat down to speak. After a few games of Dominoes with a couple of his "brothers" we exchanged information. Honestly after our first phone conversation, I wasn't planning on going out with Youngin. After speaking on the phone for about an hour I was left with bald patches and stress wrinkles. I couldn't believe half of the things that were coming out his mouth. Check my twitter timeline for further details. Somehow we made it past the mind numbing conversation to a public venue. I didn't ask any questions about what he had planned, which in retrospect I should have because I unknowingly ruined the first part of our date.

Date Report Card:

Punctuality: B-

Since our first activity was in Long Beach, I told him that I would drive from my home to meet him at his. But I was preoccupied with my days activities and didn't make it to Long Beach til almost 7. When I got there, he was not home. I called to let him know I was exiting the freeway and he said he was on his way back from making a quick run to the store. Obviously he didn't understand when I said I'd be there in an hour, I meant it. As soon as he made it back, he changed and we were on our way. At my first opportunity I called him out on his tardiness and it was a topic of conversation at several points through out the night.

Dress: B

He literally ran upstairs and threw some clothes on and came back down. I thought his collared shirt and plaid flat cap were super cute (again with the cuteness I just wanted to pinch his cheeks.) but due to the time constraint or maybe his disinterest in walking around without wrinkles, his wrinkled sweater was made his outfit appear a bit unkept.

Creativity: A+

We were supposed to go on a boat ride!! He broke my heart when he told me that was the original plan. Since we never actually agreed on a meet up time, I assumed we were going to meet up around 8pm. He even called me at 4pm and asked me how much longer I'd be running errands but never once told me I needed to be there by a certain time. Oh well. Instead we walked around downtown Long Beach to find things to get into. We had dinner at a local restaurant. He attempted to take me on a carousel ride while we waited for our table. Unfortunately for him I am petrified being any higher than 6 feet off the ground. We spent some time in Borders, I was looking for Accidental Diva which of course they didn't have. And took a walk on the pier.

Chivalry: A++

Youngin made sure to open every door, walk on the correct side of the street at all times and even lend a helping hand every time I needed to get up from a seat. But thats not what got him the two pluses. His friendly laid back demeanor did. No matter where we were, he spoke to everyone. Waiters, other patrons, random encounters with the Famous Dave Pig. If you were breathing, he was speaking.

Chemistry: A-

Unlike our phone conversation, there were hardly any uncomfortable pauses. There were however heated debates. I appreciated that he knew how to listen to what I had to say on a subject but still stand behind his own. He held his own against me. I can admit I was being a little bit of a bitch. (Kerry's words not mine) But he didn't let me walk all over him.

Overall: B

Youngin is such a cutie. I definitely plan on seeing him again but if he's late again... I don't want to give any more away then I already have so thats all you're getting out of me. :-)

Busy??

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spD-hN3qZX8]

"I have to wash my hair."

"I'm babysitting my cousin tonight"

"We're gonna hang out soon I've just been swamped."

No one is ever that busy! I've used all of these excuses to get out of spending time with someone I was semi-interested in. The key word here is semi. If I was genuinely, head over heels in like with someone, none of those excuses would ever stand between me and him. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, if I’m truly attracted to someone, I will make time for them. If I’m not that concerned with making our friendship grow and they catch me online or I accidentally answer the phone, I won’t be rude. I’ll hold a short conversation, while secretly plotting how to get out of it. I absolutely hate when they catch me slipping. Since I know that the rule of "busy-ness" goes for men too, I know when one isn’t feeling me.

Whenever a guy starts to fall off and he apologizes because he is too busy, I immediately put him in the friend category. There is no way I can take a guy like this seriously. If Diddy can get two women, living on opposite sides of the country pregnant at the same time, surely you can pick up the phone to call me. I'll probably continue to see him as long as he is not flaky, but inconsistency will not be rewarded.

I’m not one of those girls that require a lot of attention either. I have my own life, my own friends, and my own priorities and passions. I am not trying to take you away from what’s making you money, money you’re hopefully using on me, since you claim to be working. Trust, I know you need time to do that. But please believe I will not sit at home waiting by the phone, in hopes that you will call. I will not repeatedly be cancelled on in place of some thing else you consider more important. I know this to be true, most people aren’t that busy. Instead I understand that they just aren’t that interested.

So the next time someone of the opposite sex is slow to respond to your messages and/or return your phone calls, you have two options, you can give them the benefit of the doubt and wait for their call or you can take a hint and see more people. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to cut them off either, just keep your options open.

Doing Some Laundry Pt. 2

A few weeks ago, I was having a mixed sex conversation about physical preferences with a group of friends. And as many males do, this one male acquaintance went in tough on the type of woman he prefers.

“She has to be tall, thick but not too thick, light skin, with long curly pool hair.”

As a proud caramel kinky-haired girl, I am not offended by these types of remarks. Every person has the right to date whoever they chose. And because I don’t really know him that well, I wasn’t going to attempt to school him on how many beautiful women he was losing out on by having such a narrow list.

BUT, then he went on, “I can’t date any girl my complexion or darker. Dark skinned women are not cute.” Houston, now we have a problem! Its one thing to praise certain physical traits because they are what makes your soldier stand at attention but to demean another in the process; that’s when I have a difficulty sitting by and remaining silent.

I am all for knowing what you like and standing by those desires. Take this past week for example. I was having another conversation with a black male I had never met before that night about the Lakers (I’m a diehard fan by the way, don’t mess with my team!) when Grace informed the group that the guy I was having a conversation with doesn’t date black girls. (Silent shrug) I turned to him in a non-threatening, I’m here to listen manner and asked him "Why?" He gave me his list of reasons, which he couldn’t even confidently verbalize, and all I said was "Okay." It’s not my place, nor my desire, to change every man or woman’s idea of beauty. I truly believe in the overused idiom, “to each their own.”

Whether you prefer extremely tall, skinny but not too skinny, kinky-hair, glasses-wearing women like myself or light skinned, normal height women like Grace it doesn’t bother me one bit. I know it’s a fact that I’m not every man’s fantasy girl (although at times you can’t tell me NATHAN.) However using derogatory words when describing your undesirable excluded pool of women is when you’ll get my neck rolling and finger shaking. In this case, I didn’t see the point in trying to have an in depth conversation with that acquaintance, so I made a conscious decision never to speak on the subject again. This isn’t going to be that hard seeing as I don’t interact with him very often. And if he asks about any of my light-skinned curly haired girlfriends (which he did by the way) I’ll be sure to inform them of his “preferences.”

Guest Blogger: Can a Man Change?

Submitted by A.B.C. Analyst


A few days ago I got a Facebook message from an old girlfriend telling me that a guy from high school wanted my number. I blindly respond to her request asking no questions and having no idea who it might be. She gave me a break down and who it was and I guess my curiosity caused me to reach out to him. I told him I wasn't interested but he would not take no for an answer. His persistency is beginning to ware me down. He continues to explain to me how much he cares about me, never stopped thinking about me and wants me to be his girl. He then went on to ask "what do you want, what do you need?" Questions, I am just really not use to EVER hearing from a man let alone a man that I was once head over heels for.

I'm totally myself around him and he always knows how to make me smile. He assures me that he would be faithful and he's a different man from high school. He says, "If I knew a quarter of the things I know now you would have been my girl and I would have been married you by now."

Here's a little background info: In high school we weren't together but he was the first guy I fell for (we were talking for a few months) and first guy to break my heart after finding out he slept with a girl friend of mine and had a girlfriend at the time. Being that we were "low key" my girl friend had no idea he and I were talking. Granted this was high school and we are both adults now I am still skeptical. I'm torn on whether or not I want to open that door again? You never forget your first broken heart.

Ladies so what do you do when an old boo contacts you and basically says, "I messed up can you give me another chance."

Sometimes the apple falls to the left of the same tree

As I have mentioned a few times in some of my posts, my sister and I have different ideas about life. From food to style, we sometimes butt heads on what’s right and wrong for her. She’s younger, so yes I’m just referring to the things I want her to do versus the things she chooses to do. One of our biggest differences is dating. I am pretty stuck in my ways and sometimes I find that she is too. I was recently telling her about how I don’t like this guy she is seeing (I think I’ve liked one in the last 23 years of her life). She dated him in the past and now he wants to come back.

I stressed to her the importance of not letting him half step. That if he wanted to spend time with her, he would need to put effort in getting to know the lovely young lady she has become. My recommendation was that he court her all over again, for the first time. When they originally dated she was in High School and highly doubt he put any effort in at that time. I told her he needs to take her out and spend time in social settings. Her response made my heart stop.

“How do I do that without sounding like a gold-digger?”

What?!?! Gold Digger.?? My first reaction: The boy has no gold to dig for. I took a second to cry in the bathroom and pull myself together; well not really I’m just being dramatic. I told her that asking a guy to spend time doing things you like to do does not make you a gold digger; even if it requires spending some money. Activities she could eventually chip in on if she liked him.

Where did I go wrong? I thought my sister was moving forward with her ideas on dating. Apparently she turned left somewhere where I told her to go right. I know her G.P.S. will lead her back to the correct path if it’s the last thing I do. I automate it anyway. Having her deal with men that are worthy of her time is higher on my list of priorities than my dating issues.

Doing Some Laundry

Although I haven’t had the pleasure of viewing her thought provoking reality show, I have been hearing a lot of backlash regarding Chili and her list. I did some research because I hate speaking on subjects I know nothing about, it’s the detective in me, and I did find her requirements for a potential male suitor:

He can't eat pork, or have more than two baby mamas. He must be fine, with at least a four-pack. Last, but definitely not least, he must have a really huge package.

Now before all the men start chiming in about how women have such long lists, please don’t act innocent. I have someone with your plumbing who did the exact same thing in a very public outlet. In a recent interview, Dhani Jones from the travel show, Dhani Jones Tackles the Globe, discussed what he was looking for in his potential life partner. I’m assuming most of you have never heard of him, neither did I until I read his book, I mean ridiculous checklist. He makes Chili’s list laughable. I had to shorten it but here are the highlights:

Smart, quick-witted, yet possesses a calming motherly quality, adventurous, sporty, speaks languages, tall, slender (but she can be a little bit thicker,) exotic, maybe light brown/olive complected/mixed background. well-traveled, huge heart, creative soul, strong, independent. stands firm behind her man (but not in front, perhaps beside), long hair, no weave, incredible hands, insatiable eyes, wants a huge family, can talk to a homeless person or a wealthy person, she can play in the mud in the morning and go to a black tie event at night, she’s ok on her own but she loves her man, independently wealthy helps.

After much thought I decided to share my own list since it seems to be the thing to do, you know if Chili can find someone this way, maybe I should try and speak my desires into truth. Here’s my list:

He must be single and have have a working* Jimmy.

I know I know I’m asking for a lot right. A lot of my male friends assume that I must have a long list that matches Dhani, because well, I’m a single black woman and you know we all walk, talk, and think exactly the same way. You know our type, we’re all angry, bitter, nagging, destined to be future spinster’s bitches. I’m working on that fellas. (read sarcasm)

At one point in my naïve early 20s I had a stupid list. But over time and me constantly dating resumes instead of people that I realized how dumb my list was. I shortened it to what I have above; those are 2 things I will not budge on. Everything else I say on this blog and twitter are just preferences but I'm pretty flexible. Actually, if you lined up the last few guys I seriously dated the only thing they would have in common for sure, is what I have listed above. I think it’s important to know what you want but not to have so many rules that you end up missing out on great people. Now, I'll go back to focusing my time and energy on bettering myself and eventually I'll meet him. Whoever he is.

*Working: Functioning and satisfying

Woman to Woman

Dear woman who is dating my future husband,

I hope this letter finds you well during the temporary relationship you have with my future. Unfortunately you are not the woman he will call his wife, as I am the only person who will hold that title til death does us part. I am not writing you to start any drama, the two of you will part on good terms because well, he is a good man BUT I need you to make sure he stays that way by the time he meets me. I am not a home wrecker so this will come long after the two of you part ways.

You see I've noticed a pattern with some of the men I have come in contact with and I am hoping to resolve this issue before I meet him. Women, especially in LA LA land, do not hold their mates to any standards.

Please hold him accountable when he does something wrong. Whether its forgetting to call or picking up the phone instead of texting, please make sure he does all the things he is supposed to do. Because when he gets to me, I don't want him acting brand new when I hold him accountable.

Please don't poke holes in the condoms. Before you turn your face upside down, relax and listen. I am going to love him either way, but I'd appreciate if he didn't accidently get you pregnant. You see I know him, even if we haven't met, and he will do everything in his power not to have kids before he meets me, his wife. So don't try to trap him with a child he will surely take care of.

Please don't hurt him or betray his trust. I am not in the sport of cleaning up someone else's mess so I would appreciate if you left his heart in tact for me. When he breaks up with you don't key his car, don't burn his clothes, just walk away. Although I can drive him to the repair shop and go with him when he needs to purchase new clothes, I'd like him to leave you with what he came with. You guys aren't meant to be anyway so when its time to let it go, LET HIM GO! He will eventually find his way to me and the thought of you will be but a memory.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my letter. I will not be looking for a response seeing as this is the last time we will ever have contact.

Sisterly,

Silent

P.s. This letter will self destruct in 20 seconds.

If It Doesn't Get All Over the Place

"If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong on my plate." Silent

There is one thing I have never been self-conscious about and it still surprises me when men say it’s an attractive trait. If you put a plate of food in front of me, I’m going to eat it. Don’t get it twisted, I have manners and am not a stranger to knife, dinner fork and a nice napkin. But I don’t change my eating habits in front of the men I date. I don’t change my eating patterns in front of anyone. I have the ability to eat whatever I want, whenever I want without worrying about what the person sitting across from me is thinking.

I remember the first time a guy said something about it a few years back. I was on a first date with a guy at a nice restaurant overlooking the beach. After looking over the menu, I decided I wanted a gourmet Portabello mushroom hamburger. *wipes drool* After the waitress left our table with our orders, my date made a comment. “I’m so glad you didn’t order a puny salad.” I didn’t know rather to take it as a compliment or an insult so I brushed off the comment and we continued our conversation interrogation.

Can I have your Facebook?

I’m sorry when did we as generation X become so lazy? Why are young adults (not just men) becoming so freaking lazy. I cannot even begin to express the disdain and disgust I felt when a guy asked me to add him to my Facebook account last week. Really? Has it come to this?

A few months ago I was already having a hard time understanding why a guy I had known for about 20 minutes asked to be added to my Blackberry Messenger. I was sitting in a bar, bored out of my ever loving mind, when a cute guy approached me. We exchanged a few sentences and established interest in each other. He asked to take me to dinner at another time and I happily agreed. Then he pulled out his Blackberry and asked me to display my Blackberry Barcode. He must have seen the look on my face because he immediately followed with a request for my phone number to go along with it.

Rewind a few months before that and I was writing bitching about meeting men who would get my phone number and proceed to text only, including when setting up an outing.

Men have gone from texting, to AIMing, to Email, to BBM and now they're lazy asses are adding me on Facebook? If he would have asked for MySpace I would have spontaneously combusted.

What's next? Twitter?

Am I too old fashioned? Is wanting a guy to ask for my phone number and then proceed to calling me and leaving a voicemail (if I’m busy) asking for too much? If I’m wrong, I don’t want to be right. I’d rather be a part of the quickly vanishing pool that still uses my cell phone to call and talk to people.



I know asking for a number is harder than texting, I know having a verbal conversation before going out takes effort and requires working through nerves versus pulling up a BBM screen. I expect the men who pursue me to call. Notice I didn't say boys. This lazy generation of boys will continue to get no play from me as long as they insist on stepping to me this way. I refuse to partake in such lazy, half ass gestures of interest. If you would like to get to know me better ask for my phone number.

*drops keyboard and exits stage right*

Where are your wallet photos?

There was a time when, "Do you have any kids?" was the third question I asked a new guy. Right after, "Are you single" and "How tall are you?" If he says yes to being single, is anything over 6 '6" and he's cute, I sometimes forget to even ask for a name.

*wipes drool*

Back to the point at hand. Kids. Yes kids. No kids. I don't do kids. I make a conscious effort not to date a man with children. If at any point in our initial conversation, any reference to beautiful cooing annoying crying child is made: I mentally check out. At this age kids are not something I want to/have to/need to deal with. Yes I know, just because I'm dating someone with kids doesn't mean I have to become an instant step-mom. But I'm spoiled, and I need as much attention as possible. Besides his job, my mans focus needs to be me. You can call me selfish if you want. I won't be offended. At 25**, with no kids or attachments of my own, I am. Proudly so as a matter of fact.

That brings me to this weekend and why this subject came up in the first place. I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with a group of friends, some old and some brand new. We spent the next two days chilling, enjoying the city that was not our own, and talking about what normal mixed crowds do. The ups and downs of relationships. What we liked. What we didn't like. You know the usual. The weekend ended and we all went back to our regular lives.

These next few days we all added each other on Facebook to continue building our new-found friendships. I must say I was caught off guard when I was perusing through one of my new friends' Facebook pictures and saw two beautiful children.

Pause.

Kids.

Not one, but two!

This man never mentioned he had any kids. All the other people I was with at some point during the two-day weekend mentioned their little one's at home. But not him. We won't even get into the fact that he never mentioned he's possibly engaged to the mother of these children. That's a whole other post.

Does this happen a lot? Do people not mention their kids unless directly asked anymore. I feel at some point during our relationship conversation, he could have said, "Its difficult to date because I have two children and a fiancée at home." I guess these days, that is the usual.

At what point should you tell someone you have kids?

**I reserve the right to change my mind after the age of 31

Ask Silent: Should I Stay?

Dear Silent,

Mr. Empty Pockets disappeared for 4 days after telling me that he was too broke to take me out. I was wondering what was going on and why I hadn't heard from him. We used to speak several times a day mind you. So I decided to just call him with a little encouragement from my sister. Initially I was going to wait a week just to see if this fool would really go a week without calling me. I called him yesterday and to found out that he's "going through something..."

The selfish side of me was thinking, "Not again, shit. Do I really want to continue talking to this man?"

The concerned side of me thought, "Damn, I know exactly what it's like to run into bad news with a limited time to try and fix the situation".

I know other than his mother, he doesn't really have anyone to confide in and support him at this time. He also explained to me that he does not like to throw "pity parties." I have told him that that he can confide in me and tell me about anything that is bothering him. Now I am beginning to wonder is this worth it? Will he ever open up? How can I help him?

A.B.C. Analyst

Silent: I personally think you are putting too much time into this one man you've only known a couple of weeks. I also highly doubt that the only person he confides in is his mother. That may be the only person he tells you about but I don't think thats the case. You haven't been dating long enough for your world to come to a halt. Be there for him when he lets you but keep your options open.

Grace: First, you have to ask yourself is he worth it. Do you see a future with him? And if so will you be able to deal with these issues? I'm sure he will open up once he knows you aren't going anywhere and you show him support. Which is going to be tough to do if you are unsure if you want to continue to talk to him. Figure out if this is something you really want first. If so, you can show your support by just being there for him and listening to him. If you find this is something to don't want to deal with, then good luck on breaking the news to him. I suggest you let some time pass so he isn't bombarded with his personal issues and you letting him go.

Guest Blogger: Empty Pockets

I’ve been dating this guy for the past several weeks and things have been going great. I hadn’t noticed until recently that our dating consisted solely of me going to his house and kicking it with him and his friends. One night I brought this situation to his attention and we agreed that we should go out.

So we did.

Once.

Then everything reverted back to house kick its.

The weekend was approaching and I asked him what we were going to do. His response, “I can’t take you out this week but I’m kind of short. Maybe next paycheck.” My ear cringed. How lazy could you possibly get? I’d rather a man take me for a nice picnic in the park or go for a long walk on the beach, then to tell me about what was not in his account. Both require little to no planning but just a little bit of effort. Is that asking for too much?

Since when is it okay for a man to fix their mouth to expose their financial situation in such a blunt and embarrassing manner. It’s clear to me that he thinks its okay to tell me our dates will be based on the amount of bills in his wallet. Ladies, if a man ever feels the need to utter such words, hang up the phone. It’s obvious that he is too lazy to even put his mind to trying to figure out something that you and he would both enjoy that is not expensive. How about this, use the brain that GOD gave you and figure it out.

Submitted by A.B.C. Analyst aka My Lil Sis

Don't forget the candles

In case you didn't know a girls birthday is the most important day of the year. I'll let you marinate on that for a second. I know what you're thinking, what about Valentine's Day and Christmas I can assure you that although those days are important they don't even come close to comparing to the day we were born. A problem I've noticed as I have gotten older is that because most men don't celebrate their birthdays the same way women do, they don't understand its importance.

It never fails, when I'm dating a guy, my birthday will make or break our relationship. I will make a note of what time he called, what he did for me and how he made me feel. Take my birthday last year, I had 2 separate celebrations in recognition of day of my birth. I wanted everyone to know it was my birthday and soaked up as much special treatment as humanly possible. From strangers to close friends, I wanted to be treated like the queen that I am. Of course I pretended to be more bashful then I really am in order to gain more attention. At the time I was seeing someone and he was the first person to call me when the clock struck 12:00. Although it was early in our courtship. I took note.

I remember a few years ago a guy I was seeing didn't call me on my birthday. By the time 11:30pm came I was livid!! Between dancing on chairs and taking shots (that was the 2nd time I've ever been drunk) I was checking my phone for his missed call. It never came. Asshole. He did call early the next morning vehemently apologizing. Instead of admitting he forgot he made up some elaborate lie explaining why he couldn't call. All I heard when he spoke was blah blah blah... I'm so sorry...blah blah blah...I couldn't get to a phone...blah blah blah...I hope you can forgive me.

This man had 24 hours to make a simple phone call. Since he lived a couple thousand miles away for college, a simple phone call was all I needed. Shortly after this incident we parted ways. For a while soon after I tried to get over it but I couldn't. I mean it was my birthday for goodness sake. It was unforgivable that he didn't call and it showed me that he wasn't as interested as he made himself seem. His loss.

Even this past weekend I was talking to a girlfriend about the gift her boyfriend of 3+ years gave her: a birthday card and $50 cash. Please understand that you are not my Nana. I don't need cash unless I asked which I would never wrapped up in a card and signed I love you. Its the thought that counts remember. There was no thought in that gift. Although he remembered her birthday, step 1, he didn't actually put any effort into making her feel special, step 2. A part of me believes he thought that was a great gift. I can tell you now cash and gift cards are not special gifts. Think harder.

Trust me, if you make sure you're the first person to call her when 12 o'clock hits and she feels like you put in some effort to make her day special, you'll most likely be the last person she says goodnight to when her day is over.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z__FHAG1Jk8]

Did he apologize?

Last week my girls and I were watching 'Waiting To Exhale.' What I never realized when watching this movie as an adolescent was that each character had bad sex in the first 3 sex scenes. While encountering scene after scene of just awful sex we got on the topic of our own unfortunate sexual encounters.

I had admitted that I had only once dealt with a man who performed horribly and was never given the chance to redeem himself because he didn't apologize. It was a guy had been seeing off and on for a couple of years. By the time we had sex, it wasn't at all how I had imagined it. The guy was such a smooth talker I thought for sure we were going to connect sexually. To my surprise he was done much too early and I was left completely unsatisfied. When he made no comment about the poor performance, I mean the least he could have done was say sorry, I knew he wasn't worried about how I came out in the equation. He got his and was done. And for that so was I. His selfish behavior was not going to be rewarded with any more of my attention. That was our first and last time.

Then my girl started telling me her own story.

She had been seriously dating this guy for several months. There relationship started off as a friendship but the attraction and chemistry between them was undeniable. After months and months of dancing around home base, the 3rd place coach was waving him in to home plate. Unfortunately he was so excited he didn't even knock it pass the pitcher. She said he had a few pumps, said it felt too good and he was out. I mean he struck waaay out. Less than 2 minutes passed before the game was over.

"Whoa! Say what?!?! 2 minutes?!?!"

"Did he apologize," I asked.

An apology could mean the difference between a future inning and the end of a season. If he had said sorry for his premature completion, she would have been willing to give him another chance (as I would have for Mr. Selfish above.) Lucky for him he did, he immediately and emphatically apologized for his short performance. The acknowledgement of what he called uncharacteristic behavior is what garnered him a second opportunity with her. The only thing worse than bad sex, is having a partner who doesn't realize he's bad at it. Moral of the story is, a simple sorry goes a long way.

Not today patna

Just got off the phone with him and I am so proud of myself. I stood my ground and said all that I wanted. He was saying one thing, and I totally brushed his feelings to the side. There was many times where I would have said yes to whatever he asked. Before he could even finish his sentence, I would have blurted out an emphatic yes!

Not today and it feels oh so good. Thought I would share. Practicing self control rocks.

I'll never understand

I'll never understand how two people can be inseparable one day and not stand to be in each others presence the next. We spent the last 10 years getting to know each other. Each others likes and dislikes, what makes us laugh and what makes us cry. If you asked me anything about her, I could give you an answer up until a couple of years ago. We started growing apart. I was going off and to college and discovering myself. She stayed behind in our neighborhood looking down on the new friends I was making.

One day, she was sitting in my room (yes we were roommates, I'd never do that again) gossiping about one of her friends. All I had to say was hello and she would tell me all their business. Then, I had an epiphany! If this bitch (excuse my American expletive) was talking this much shit (excuse me again) about girls who had now become her close friends, what had she said about me? From that moment on, I didn't share any personal information with her. More months passed and I didn't even want to hear her talk mess about her so called friends. She noticed and she would stop disturbing me when I was studying to talk about their deepest darkest secrets.

More months passed and although we were still living together, we were no longer friends. Associates would have been more fitting but at one point we weren't even that anymore. We had become enemies. Just looking at her made my stomach turn.

Fast-forward to 5 minutes ago. I haven't heard a peep from the girl since she left my roommate and I high and dry without much notice. All of those feelings of anger came rushing back when I saw her on my twitter feed. I looked at her page for a second, she looked the same but I don't want to think about her and what happened anymore. So instead of spending any more time being angry about it, I decided to blog about. This is my first and last blog about her. And I put her and our relationship to rest.

As a matter of fact, I totally understand why things like this happen. People grow apart. Friendships end and people move on. Because of our abrupt departure from each others lives (I'm only speaking physically, we had stopped being friends long before I moved,) I am a better person. With this last sentence, I put her and her existence back to rest.

Because I'm natural

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_5jIt0f5Z4]

Last week I was reminded that simply because I wear my hair in its natural state I have the weight of all black people on my shoulders. I’m supposed to be a Black Panther supporting, Angela Davis following, leading the trail back to Africa revolutionary type of woman. I’m only supposed to be attracted to skinny, dark-skinned dread rocking West Indian Rastafarian men with a free spirit to match my own. At night my house is suppose to be filled with burnt incense, Cali ganja and One Love by Bob Marley.

My girl asked me to go on what was not a date with her and this guy she has been seeing for a couple of months. His friend was in town for the weekend and they needed a fourth person for an impromptu night out. Enter the go to single girl friend Silent. I had no expectations for the evening, other than conversation and great food. (I only ask if you use my services that you at least feed me.) We ended up at this chic sushi restaurant downtown. The four of us found a table in a corner and continued the conversation that began in the car ride there. Apparently he had a birthday party the previous week but my girl brought another friend along instead of me.

Throughout our conversation, I took mental notes of several comments he made about my hair:

“You would have enjoyed yourself; there were a lot of neo-soul brothas there.” [I wish someone could have captured the look on my face. I didn’t hide my reaction. I was so disgusted but I just changed the subject for my girls sake.]

“Do you get a lot of comments on your hair?” [Yes I get a lot of IGNORANT comments on my hair and you’ve been adding to the list.]

At one point he said something about me being “urban,” which he said was combination of my hometown and my natural hair. [I wanted so badly to show him my real “urban” side but the restaurant was too quiet for such an outburst.]



By the end of the evening I walked away feeling utterly annoyed. I didn’t realize how much it bugged me until I was telling a friend about it the next day. Now I realize I have to laugh at the situation because I’m sure it won’t be my last aggravating stereotyping interaction. His narrow minded assumptions did nothing more than perpetuate the stereotype I have of people like him. He has such a small mind I’m sure he has the member to match.

Because I'm natural the only thing you can assume is that I am comfortable in my own skin, beautiful, confident and stand out. But hey this is all true when I straighten my hair as well.

No Dating Zone

Keeping up with this dating blog is becoming harder and harder seeing as I don’t date and have no desire to. I am tired of putting myself through the emotional rollercoaster that is dating in L.A. I noticed sometime last week that flirting and meeting new people is not on my agenda at all, I actually do the opposite and avoid meeting men at all costs.

The next several weeks will be interesting to track on this site and I hope you will follow me on this journey of….I have no clue but as of now, it doesn’t include dating.

RePost: Uncensored: Ocean. Motion. Smotion

I was talking to a guy I had been on a few dates with recently and was feeling a bit uninhibited with my line of questioning. We were talking about about sex, which is important when you are getting to know someone. I feel that if you are afraid of talking openly about sex with a potential partner, then you probably shouldn’t be engaging in those unmentioned acts.


This guy and I were going back and forth discussing our likes, dislikes, our craziest experiences and what not. There were no boundaries in our conversation which led me to my most outrageous question in my history of dating. It’s a question a lot of women would love to ask a man before they get too physical, but I am sure they are too embarrassed. Since our conversation was flowing and sex was on my mind, I found the nerve to ask him. It’s not like I hadn’t been thinking about it (especially after an experience I had a couple of years ago.)

"Do you have a small penis?"

(Insert long pause. I didn't even crack a smile on the other end of the phone, I was on the edge of my seat waiting for his response. He didn’t say a word for at least 7 seconds. Which is eons when waiting for that answer. I think it was the initial surprise at my directness that kept him quiet. At least I had hoped so.)

"No, I don’t have a small penis. "

I later admitted that was the first time I had ever asked a guy that question. If it weren’t so taboo, I would ask this question so much earlier in a “ship:” courtship/relationship. It would help to know if I'm gonna spend hours searching for your "manhood" like I did when the Asian jumped out of that trunk in 'The Hangover." (I seriously paused and replayed that scene over and over because I was in such shock.) Before I start spending countless hours fantasizing about what I assume he's working with, I thought it would just be easier to ask. (Ya'll aren't the only one's imagining what sex might be like beforehand.) I wouldn’t have to waste his time or mine once I figure out that I'm emotionally and sexually attracted him trying to use creative aways to assess his "member." [I'll have to do a follow up post on how to "check his package" before you go too far.] I don't need a mandigo, but I can't deal with having to search for my microscope every time we're about to get physical either.

"It’s the motion in the ocean that matters." Motion in the ocean my ass! I've never heard one of my girls say this, it's always from a man who is aware of his shortcomings and is looking for a way to compensate. If a man ever says this to you before you have had sex, RUN, its almost certain he's got a Little Willy.

Note: This is an edited repost from last year. I will have a follow up to this post Thursday.

It's Gone!

Remember that crush, or whatever you want to call it that I had less than 1 month ago. It was creating a problem for the new men I was dating because I was unconsciously comparing them to him. Well, that ship has sailed, he has finally become a distant memory. Those feelings that were becoming so annoying are no longer. He didn’t do anything horrific to bring this about, but he did just enough for me to say, “Girl, let it go!“

I had to remember my favorite saying after it was all said and done: "Don’t make someone a priority who considers you an option.”

Exhale…I’m over it.

[Somewhere out there my sister is jumping for joy as she reads this post...I should receive a text or BBM from her shortly]

Re: Over at IHTWYEC

After reading Grace's post I posed a question on twitter about titles in relationships.

Silent Question: Do people still use the title Boyfriend/Girlfriend or has the formality died? I was going to oppose Grace's post and this question myself but I felt that the opinion of the married woman @SeasonSays held more weight. Plus she said all the things I wanted to say in several 140 character or less messages:

The formality of BF/GF has definitely NOT passed. People just like to redefine things to mask real issues such as commitment problems. The chances of going from friends, boo's, dates, etc to fiance then spouse is slim if you can't even call each other BF/GF. I know the BF/GF title seems so outdated but shit so does WIFE and HUSBAND. At the end of the day though, people complicate things that really shouldn't be.

If a guy likes you he calls you, when he likes you even more he makes you his girlfriend, when he loves you and can't live without you he makes you his wife. If a man can barely pick up the phone or spend time with your ass, he don't like you period. If a man takes up all your time and doesn't want you dating anyone else but won't make you his girlfriend, he don't like you THAT much. If you can't get past that point? Shiiiit, need I say more??? But hey, I'm a hopeless hopeless.....penny WITH a hole in it hopeless romantic. So that is and will forever be my opinion.

I always wanted a title. You can't give it to me but still wanna be with me??? Cockblockin... Relationships are definitely simple, hard work but simple. People just don't wanna put in the work, period.

I know I talk a lot of shit about relationships and I'm very opinionated but I do truly understand that not everyone is like me. When I met a guy and was looking for a boyfriend, I told him cuz I had nothing to lose. When I had been with my BF long enough and was tired of 'playin house' I told him I was ready to get married cuz I had nothing to lose. Fuck the dumb shit, go for what you want because the worst case scenario isn't THAT bad. If you like that non-title shit that's great too. You like it I love it....

-----

If you're not following @SeasonSays on twitter, now you know what you have been missing.

Over at IHTWYEC

I've hit a wall and haven't had much to blog about. Mostly its because I've been doing a lot of self reflection and no dating so there's no material for me to share. Contrary to popular belief I do keep some things to myself. I have borrowed a post from my group blog to keep you entertained. I have SO much to say on the subject of titles but I will save them for later. Enjoy!

I know I wrote a post last week about a Relationship Undefined and went on about how ridiculous it was and even shared my personal encounter with such a relationship. BUT after I had a mini debate with Silent I realized I am one of those people who wants a relationship similar to that. *Pause* Let me pled my case.


I do not like titles anymore-No I'm not one of those women who have been so hurt by men that I have vowed to never marry. I just don't believe in the "girlfriend/boyfriend" title. I mean it’s not official we don't sign a girlfriend/boyfriend license. It’s merely a social norm that everyone thinks believes is a prerequisite for marriage.

People get in your business-I’m a very private person and with a relationship I'm no different. Once you make it "official" that's when the drama begins, you have people who want to gossip about who, what, where, and why your relationship won't work. And then you have the men and mostly women who want to test how strong your relationship is, i.e. heffas trying to mess with your man.

I like Freedom-I am an Aquarius and we do not like to feel tied down. And if we start to feel like the girlfriend/boyfriend title has us hogged tied we will rebel in one way or another.

Any Questions? Yes, I'm sure you have them. This is what I want from my future, “Non-Boyfriend.”

Dear future Non-Boyfriend,

We've been seeing each other for a few months now and things are starting to get serious. And before you ask me to be your girlfriend, don't. If we are to make this work, this is all I ask; don't sleep with anyone else (including any other sexual contact) , and don't lie to me. That's it. I really like you and if you can meet both of those requirements then you have made a commitment to me. However, if you break either of those commitments we are done.

Yours Truly,

Grace

Guest Blogger: The Ugliness Threshold

Ladies, what if a guy was to come up to you and, with all seriousness, say to you "Excuse me miss, I like your booty." How would you react? Would you be instantly offended? Would you want to slap him? Walk away as quickly as possible? Or would you...give him your number?

I know there are a lot of people out there that sincerely think there is no possible way the last option could EVER happen. "How could I let someone disrespect me like that and me still entertain it?"

And the answer is simple. Its only disrespectful if he's ugly. Now I know nobody wants to think of themselves as shallow or the like, but at the end of the day, before you know anything about a person who approaches you for the first time is whether or not he could GTD (Get Tha Drawls, for those who don't watch Martin.) Further, at the end of the day, attractive people can get away with WAYYYYY more than unattractive people, scientific fact (well, maybe, I don't think scientists do this kinda thing.) At the end of the day, if he's fine, almost anything he says initially, will not be held against him. Later on, after you get past the exterior, you might be kinda mad that you got roped in with such underhanded tactics.

Now if he was blatantly disrespectful, "Ay b!tch, that's a nice ass." There is probably little to no chance it could ever work for anyone. But the theory behind "Excuse me miss, I like your booty," could be that there is no real difference between that and saying he liked your smile, given that he couldn't see you smile from behind. Conversely, there are many people who could be more insulting with a typically complimented feature "Ay, yo eyes green than a muh f^cka," shows an overall lack of intellegence that I would think MOST upstanding women would tolerate.

In the end, I think the standing theory is, and will continue to be........... "But he fine though." Just my thoughts.

~Submitted by Mr. Fantastic alias Mr. Not-to-shabby-my-damn-self

formspring.me

Blame it on the boredom and curiosity but I signed up for formspring. So go ahead, ask me anything http://formspring.me/SilentScorpion

You're NOT Getting a V-DAY present

The trouble with Valentine's Day is, some undeserving women put pressure on men they are dating just fucking. They confuse dating with casual sex. Some of these females feel the need to start defining relationships that were working fine for the past few casual months. Men are expected to spend waste money on teddy bears, chocolate and jewelry.

I know Valentines day is this weekend and for those of you in the early stage of dating your new partner, you may be wondering what you are getting (probably don't deserve.) I want to clarify some parameters for you jumpoffs/booty calls/side chicks who unfortunately don't understand they are NOT getting a present. Here are my Top 5 Jump off identifiers:

1. If he only texts you and then comes over. You don't know his schedule but he knows yours. So he knows when you're going to be home and hits you up only on those occasions. Stop telling your girls about this great man you are seeing because his friends don't know you by name, instead they all know you live on Queen Street because that is how he lets his boys know he is getting some.

2. If he leaves before you wake. If you're not sure what his morning breathe smells like, its because you aren't important enough to wake up next to. He'd rather be at home in his bed than to wake up in yours. The reason he is always coming to your place is because he has away game advantage. He can come and go as he pleases.

3. He gets pissed when you show up unannounced. Now I know when I showed up without calling my ex to treat him to a night of fun at his place, he was more than happy to see me BUT this is a technical foul in the realm of jumpoffs. Stay in your lane. You cannot come to his house unannounced and you will not be getting a present.

4. If he takes you out in public, it's only to these great places outside the city. Sorry boo, you're a jump off. First off, we're in a recession, why is it so important to see this movie 30 miles away from where ya'll both live. Because he "loves" that theater? No hun, its because he doesn't want his main girl's friends to see him out with you.

5. He wants to keep your relationship "secret," because he's a private person. How do you expect a Valentine's gift when none of your friends are supposed to know you're dating. Since he has held this over your head for so long, he doesn't have to worry about your girls dogging him out, because technically he isn't dating you. Yall are just "special friends."

Honorable Mention: He won't kiss you before, during or after sex and he disappears when you are on you period.

Remember what Joe Budden said: "My Jump Off never has me going out of my way, and she don't want nothing on Valentines Day." Valentine's Day is not your time to shine. Its your time to be available in case the main chick is too tired to give him what he wants. This is not your day to be expecting gifts or any special treatment. Your "relationship" has been working just fine, keep it that way. Know now that Valentine's Day is not going to be reserved for you. If he does see you on February 14, the only thing he will be carrying is a wrapped condom.

P.s. These same rules apply for birthdays and Christmas.

Friday Rant

Meeting men is just like getting a new toy on Christmas. When I first get it, I’m so excited. I want to learn everything about it and finding out new functions and accessories it has excites me. I’ll pick it up everyday because it keeps me entertained and interested. As long as its fun, I'll pick it up out the toy bin and play with it. But by the time February comes around, I’m done playing with that toy; maybe I found a new toy, broke the old one or it wasn’t as fun anymore. If that toy has done nothing over the past couple months to make it stand out from the rest, I’ll toss it in my bin. I won't pick it up again until I’m bored and want to play with it or I’ll throw it out because it’s taking up valuable space.

At this point, I am not looking for any new toys. My bin is completely empty. I’m okay with just playing by myself.

Never Truly Single

Do you hear that?

Listen closely.

Isn't it lovely.

"But Silent I don't hear anything."

Exactly! Its a sound I haven't heard in a very long time. Its called silence. Tonight I haven't received one phone call, text message, BBM (Blackberry Message,) Email, AIM or DM (on my twitter account) from a guy I'm stringing along dating.

I just had an epiphany. I am single. I mean truly single. I know you're thinking duh bitch of course you're single. Isn't that the premise of this men hating blog. Let me tell you that this is the first time I'm truly single.

Usually when I say I'm single, I'm lying it means I'm still dating several people. That if I'm bored, lonely, hungry horny I have someone to call with whom I have some interest and who probably wants more than the occasional and infrequent returned call. I've always had someone around. Someone I could call when I'm feeling lonely. Someone I could call if I need a laugh or a hug. There's the guy I ran to when everything was going wrong. Then there's the one I went to when things were right.

I noticed this vicious cycle of recycling men. The reason they stay around for so long is because I never let them get too close. It must be the mystery of wondering why they can't get close that allows me to disappear from their lives for months on end, and reappear without much of an explanation as to what happened to me. Being wanted and feeling desired is something I've never struggled with. [Insert "damn you cocky" thought here.] But its the truth, finding and pimpin keeping a capable male suitor is easy.

Take New Years for instance, which was less than 30 days ago. I was trying to figure out which of the 3 fine black men I was gonna take to my friends New Years Eve party. Luckily for me everything turned out like roses. What could have been a very difficult conversation with an unlucky two, turned into a happy ending for all parties involved. I could have kept things going with all of them, but I lost interest once I realized I wasn't seriously interested in any. I decided to do something I've never done. I let them go without having a new guy to replace them.

I told them: "We should just be friends," "I'm not ready for a relationship," and "Please leave a message after the tone."

This feels great. Not worrying about whose favorite artist is coming to town, which guy had which horrific day at work, etc has me floating on cloud 16. I'm truly single. In every sense of the word. I feel like I'm on vacation in the Caribbean far away from the craziness that was recently my dating life. Just pass me my Virgin Pina Colada, sun block and tinted shades, I need some Silent time.

Guest Blogger: Dear Diary

I had to repost Kerry's post from my other blog because it really spoke to how I'm currently feeling.

It's 12:30 a.m. and I'm sitting up playing Wale's "Diary" on repeat... That can't be good right?

I just have a whole hell of a lot on my mind. Primarily... all the shit I've been through in relationships that's gotten me to this point of not wanting to be in one... at all. And how fucked up/unfair that is.

I used to think the ability to be as emotionally distant as a man was a gift bestowed on me as a reward for the dues I paid in my first couple of relationships - "I cupcake with no filling (read feeling)," or at least that's how I used to brag a year or so ago... I date with no expectation of commitment, I pick men up and put them down like toys, I've immersed myself into my budding career, in myself, in my family, in my friends, in the here and in the now.

Sometime last year however, I realized that my "gift" was actually a curse in disguise. To downplay it's extreme down side I thought of it as a spell that was meant to be broken when the right prince came along. However, I'm slowly starting to realize that even that assumption was tragically false.

I fear that I'm incapable of being that woman I once was. For better or for worse, I'm selfish, self-centered, distrusting (is that a word?), insensitive and all the other anti-girlfriend traits I picked up along the way and no matter how much I want to revert back to the naive, innocent girl I once was, it feels almost impossible to revert back (to give 75 percent of myself or perhaps just 50?) even in the presence of someone I actually have feelings for.

And I'm stuck in a paradox, at a crossroads, next door to a maze of emotions.

I've been trying not to think about it... let things happen the way they happen. But it's gotten to the point where it's become all consuming. I haven't been sleeping... blaming work... but it's really my own anxieties that's been keeping me up.

It's like I'm stuck in a hall of mirrors.. seeing myself for the first time, from different angles, through the eyes of others, each reflection more grotesque than the last... and I've been here so long that I'm starting to wonder if there's even a way out.

Make it go away!!

Tell me I’m not alone. Tell me you have the same problem. Then I wouldn’t feel the need to continue to hide in shame, to keep this fact a secret. I have a crush. I’m not even sure it can still be called a crush. At one point we did date. We spent several months getting to know each other and everything I knew I liked. Then just like that, it ended. We parted on good terms and that’s the main problem. I honestly wish we would have had a big falling out, and then I could get over this.I suddenly had to find something to do with my feelings.

Soon after the parting, I found myself doing things I know I shouldn’t. Cardinal rules were constantly broken. I was the Facebook stalking, twitter feed reading, invisibly logging into Gchat just to see his name. Don't judge me. I mean I had it bad, real bad Joe Jackson. Finally after a few weeks (I’m lying it was more like 4 months) I started to get over him. My heart wouldn’t skip a beat when his name appeared on my caller ID or he would comment on my Facebook page. The butterflies wings stopped flapping and he was just another guy. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I continued to tell myself I was over him. Even after all of my friends continued to tell me the truth, I was and still am crushing on him.

I’m not trying to fight it anymore. I know what it is. It’s a crush. Because nothing can come from it. Don’t ask me why, just trust me it can’t. So I’m here to ask for the people who have secret unspoken crushes to please stand up.

Looks around for support…Will the real Silent Scorpion please stand up...

In My Inbox

4:04pm Guy: Can I call you later

I received this message from a guy I had met 3 days earlier. (Strike 1, why did it take him 3 days to contact me.) That 3 day rule is for kids, not adults. This message sounds innocent enough for most but it’s really loaded. If you haven’t noticed thus far, I require the men I date to have unapologetic confidence and an inflated sense of self. This message shows me he has neither. Instead of just calling when he was available, he sent me a text message to make sure I was still interested. Hello!! He was fine as hell; of course I’m going to answer. I never replied.

A few days later, he did call and actually left a voicemail. A few rounds of phone tag ensued until neither of us cared to respond.

----now I'm just being overly analytical for fun...

One Night Only

I had no intention of dating while on a 4 day trip to New York this past weekend, but things kind of happened that way. I met Mr. One Night at a club and did something I never ever do. I was having such a great time, I was that girl boo'd up in the club. Mr. One Night had me at hello. It was the accent! I'm a sucker for most (not all) accents. Maybe it's because I can be sure they aren't from Cali.

I was walking by the bar and he whispered something is his sexy voice. I turned to him and said excuse me and he and me hooked immediately after. We got so deep into conversation that I didn't notice how much time had passed.

When I noticed Kerry & Grace were looking for me [seeing as I was hidden in a corner talking with Mr. One Night behind the bar] I quickly told him that I had to take them home immediately. Grace and Kerry were noticeably drunk but I had my eye on them most of the night. Mr. One Night asked me when I was leaving NY and said he wanted to take me out the following night. Seeing as I had already done the club and he was super cute, I gladly obliged.

Date Report Card: We always rate others but I thought it would be more interesting to add how I think I did. Especially considering this is something I always think about.



Punctuality

Him: A+ Me: F

When I called him the next day (I took his number) he was so excited to hear from me. We set up a time for him to pick me up (I was so glad he had a car because the subway system in NY is not my friend.) Unfortunately, a 30 minute train ride turned into a 2 hour excursion. He called me 20 minutes in advance when he was leaving Uptown to let me know he'd be on his way to Brooklyn and since I had no service I couldn't tell him to sit tight. So he waited over an hour at a friend's house. Ooops, my bad. I apologized vehemently throughout the night for my unusual tardiness.

Dress

Him: A+

Me: C-

Seeing as he had already been waiting an hour for me, I didn't want to make him wait any longer. So out I came in my tights, thermal and tall flat boots looking like I hadn't thought enough about him to dress up. I could tell that style was important to him because he constantly referenced my sheik look the night before.

Creativity

Him: Incomplete

Me: Incomplete

We didn't set up an actual plan and sometimes I like dates to be a by the whim adventure. I couldn't offer any advice since I don't live there. All I had to do was say I was hungry and he took care of the rest. He took me to a boutique café with a beautiful store front view but he also mentioned there weren't many other places open at midnight in the city. So, I don't really consider that to be creative.

Chivalry

Him: A

Me: A++

After scarfing down my delicious omelette, I offered to pick up the check. And by offer I mean, while we were talking I opened up my purse, pulled out my wallet, and placed my credit card on the table. You should have seen his face he was so shocked. I guess at 33 not a lot of women paid for their own meal. But, he didn't eat so I didn't really see the point in him paying for my meal. Mr. One Night said it was a 'very cute gesture' and insisted that I put my credit card away.

Chemistry

Him: A?

Me: B

You ever get the feeling someone is feeling you a lot more than you are feeling them. Well that's the vibe he was giving me. (It could also be that I'm not used to a guy being so expressive so soon.)

Mr. One Night is a really nice guy with a cute sense of humor. He got a lot of my jokes which is so important to me. I have a sort of dry wit and if you don't get it, you'll immediately bore me and I'll confuse you. He was a little more laid back than I'm used to and normally like, but that could also have to do with the fact that it was our first date.

Overall A-

He was so sweet and seemed so genuine but he lives in Toronto/New York and I'm a Cali girl. I've learned from my past, long distance just isn't for me. I knew going into it, that it was going to be a one night only. This may have hindered me really opening up but hey, it happens.

It's funny, because as soon as I got back to L.A. and told my sister about my date, she asked me when I was going to talk to him again. My response: "uhhh, when ever I'm on the East Coast."