The purpose of this letter is to hold myself accountable for this type of action. I have said several times that my coward behavior needed to change but have yet to set this declaration into motion. Well this is it. Yesterday I wanted to Chris Brown myself. Dramatic I know but I want to bring you into the inner workings of my sick mind. I’m walking out of the gym after a quick midnight run I notice two gentlemen approaching the entrance as I’m exiting. The tall one is somewhat attractive and eyeing me down so I encourage myself not to tense up when I walk by. I can get really clumsy when I’m focusing on not making a spectacle of myself. What do you think I do first in this situation? If you know me at all then you know the answer: I immediately avoid the possibility of eye contact and turn my head.
[insert shaking my damn head]
Then as I’m passing the duo, I hear the tall one who’s closest to me say ‘Hello.’ Seeing as I hadn’t completely passed them yet, I notice that he has stopped dead in his tracks awaiting my response. ‘’
Here is my immediate chain of thoughts:
“Okay Silent don’t mess this up. He’s cute and doesn’t mind that your hair is a mess, clothes don’t match and tennis shoes are well …. let’s just say I’ve had them for 6 years and have raced several 5 and 10k’s throughout LA in them. But he may just be being friendly so stop over thinking and respond. Shit Silent speak you’re about to pass them by!”
My response: “Hi” (read in the voice of a 16 year old girl who has a crush on the star football player who she didn’t even know she existed.)
Your brain has put your subconscious on probation. If this ish happens again your mouth will purposely say the first thing that comes to mind. You need to man up and grow out of that ish. You’re messing it up for the rest of us organs who dwell inside you, mainly your heart. Get that ish together. Let go and let it flow.
Your concerned heart