It's 12:30 a.m. and I'm sitting up playing Wale's "Diary" on repeat... That can't be good right?
I just have a whole hell of a lot on my mind. Primarily... all the shit I've been through in relationships that's gotten me to this point of not wanting to be in one... at all. And how fucked up/unfair that is.
I used to think the ability to be as emotionally distant as a man was a gift bestowed on me as a reward for the dues I paid in my first couple of relationships - "I cupcake with no filling (read feeling)," or at least that's how I used to brag a year or so ago... I date with no expectation of commitment, I pick men up and put them down like toys, I've immersed myself into my budding career, in myself, in my family, in my friends, in the here and in the now.
Sometime last year however, I realized that my "gift" was actually a curse in disguise. To downplay it's extreme down side I thought of it as a spell that was meant to be broken when the right prince came along. However, I'm slowly starting to realize that even that assumption was tragically false.
I fear that I'm incapable of being that woman I once was. For better or for worse, I'm selfish, self-centered, distrusting (is that a word?), insensitive and all the other anti-girlfriend traits I picked up along the way and no matter how much I want to revert back to the naive, innocent girl I once was, it feels almost impossible to revert back (to give 75 percent of myself or perhaps just 50?) even in the presence of someone I actually have feelings for.
And I'm stuck in a paradox, at a crossroads, next door to a maze of emotions.
I've been trying not to think about it... let things happen the way they happen. But it's gotten to the point where it's become all consuming. I haven't been sleeping... blaming work... but it's really my own anxieties that's been keeping me up.
It's like I'm stuck in a hall of mirrors.. seeing myself for the first time, from different angles, through the eyes of others, each reflection more grotesque than the last... and I've been here so long that I'm starting to wonder if there's even a way out.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Guest Blogger: Dear Diary
I had to repost Kerry's post from my other blog because it really spoke to how I'm currently feeling.