Thursday, February 11, 2010

You're NOT Getting a V-DAY present

The trouble with Valentine's Day is, some undeserving women put pressure on men they are dating just fucking. They confuse dating with casual sex. Some of these females feel the need to start defining relationships that were working fine for the past few casual months. Men are expected to spend waste money on teddy bears, chocolate and jewelry.

I know Valentines day is this weekend and for those of you in the early stage of dating your new partner, you may be wondering what you are getting (probably don't deserve.) I want to clarify some parameters for you jumpoffs/booty calls/side chicks who unfortunately don't understand they are NOT getting a present. Here are my Top 5 Jump off identifiers:

1. If he only texts you and then comes over. You don't know his schedule but he knows yours. So he knows when you're going to be home and hits you up only on those occasions. Stop telling your girls about this great man you are seeing because his friends don't know you by name, instead they all know you live on Queen Street because that is how he lets his boys know he is getting some.

2. If he leaves before you wake. If you're not sure what his morning breathe smells like, its because you aren't important enough to wake up next to. He'd rather be at home in his bed than to wake up in yours. The reason he is always coming to your place is because he has away game advantage. He can come and go as he pleases.

3. He gets pissed when you show up unannounced. Now I know when I showed up without calling my ex to treat him to a night of fun at his place, he was more than happy to see me BUT this is a technical foul in the realm of jumpoffs. Stay in your lane. You cannot come to his house unannounced and you will not be getting a present.

4. If he takes you out in public, it's only to these great places outside the city. Sorry boo, you're a jump off. First off, we're in a recession, why is it so important to see this movie 30 miles away from where ya'll both live. Because he "loves" that theater? No hun, its because he doesn't want his main girl's friends to see him out with you.

5. He wants to keep your relationship "secret," because he's a private person. How do you expect a Valentine's gift when none of your friends are supposed to know you're dating. Since he has held this over your head for so long, he doesn't have to worry about your girls dogging him out, because technically he isn't dating you. Yall are just "special friends."

Honorable Mention: He won't kiss you before, during or after sex and he disappears when you are on you period.

Remember what Joe Budden said: "My Jump Off never has me going out of my way, and she don't want nothing on Valentines Day." Valentine's Day is not your time to shine. Its your time to be available in case the main chick is too tired to give him what he wants. This is not your day to be expecting gifts or any special treatment. Your "relationship" has been working just fine, keep it that way. Know now that Valentine's Day is not going to be reserved for you. If he does see you on February 14, the only thing he will be carrying is a wrapped condom.

P.s. These same rules apply for birthdays and Christmas.

1 comment:

Mr. Fantastic said...

This is pretty good. But don't let getting a phone call get things confused. Main Side Piece chicks might have moved up to a phone call, but rarely has anything to do with how your day went. A call is just a more personal "what time can I come over," than a text.

Another honorable mention should also be, if you can't ask his friends what he would like because YOU NEVER MET THEM BEFORE!!!

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