Repost: Not Looking for Love

Since I'm exhausted from my trip and because I'm reflecting over upcoming birthday, I decided to repost some posts from last year this time. Reading these posts has shown me how much I have changed in such a short amount of time.

Enjoy!

So I’d finally reached the part of dating that I think everyone goes through. I wasn’t dating anyone but I felt good about being single. I was comfortable in my own skin and with my solitude. I had it in my mind that I didn’t want to date anyone and I believed it when I said it to myself because it was true. For the first time in a long time I was happy being alone. I had my daily routine down pact: work, gym, sleep repeat. The system worked pretty well. I made sure to find time for my friends when necessary. I had no excuse not to make an appearance at the occasional birthday party or a girl’s night out so I made myself seen. When I wasn’t with the girls I was at the gym. If it was between the hours of 9 to 5 on a weekday, I was at work and I was happy with that.

I had so much time on my hands I picked up a second job. It didn’t require much training and not too much effort on my part to obtain it. And it’s something that I enjoy doing, so the extra income couldn’t come at a more perfect time. I want to start saving to move out of Cali. I have no idea where it is I want to go but I know if I want to get there I’m going to need a large chunk of money to get there, so now I save. Life couldn’t get any better.

Things with Texas were stagnate at the moment but since my trip had turned out uneventful, it didn’t I wasn’t really phased when we became distant. Our phone calls had become much less frequent and so did our texts. I wish him the best and if things find themselves working out in the future, then so be it. But I realized that now was not the time, so I let him go.

My birthday was coming up and I was excited about it. No, I didn’t have a man, but I had plenty of friends. I wanted to have an event where people closest to me could come and celebrate a day that I hold in high regards, my birthday. My first event was a get together at an upscale lounge. LA doesn’t have many places that are true lounges, but I found one of the only one’s that I knew were free and invited my friends for drinks and fun. I didn’t think about meeting anyone that night, I just wanted to have a good time. Usually I have a goal of obtaining one number before the nights end, but this time I wasn’t even thinking about guys. I put on my brand new outfit and went to my party to chill with my friends. That night, I ended up leaving meeting 2 new guys.

Arizona was thrown my way by a friend. She asked him if he wanted to by me a drink because it was my birthday and after he looked me up and down he happily agreed. The chemistry was there, I was feeling his stature and his conversation was cool. Arizona owned his own business and he let me know that if I were his girl he would have flown me somewhere for my birthday. Game does recognize game, but I was still flattered. He said he would be my boyfriend for the rest of the night and look out for me and I though that was cute. Arizona bought me a drink and then I was pushed to the side as 3 of my friends came over to question his intentions. I love my girls. I could tell they wanted to make sure I wasn’t wasting my time.

“What do you do for a living?” “Do you have any kids?” “Do you have a girlfriend?”

They dug into him with claws erect. But he was ready. He answered they’re questions smoothly and without hesitation and I liked that. By the end of the night we exchanged numbers and have been in touch ever since.

The second guy, Michigan approached me very guardedly but I thought it was cute. Michigan was there to celebrate his birthday as well. He was shy around me, and I was happy to be in control of this exchange. I flirted with him all night and after I was sure Arizona was out of sight, I made my way over to Michigan. I put on the charms. It felt good to be in control. I knew I was attracted to him and that he was to me. Michigan had this debonair style that caught my eye immediately. After a while, he finally got wind of my advances and asked for my number.

I had several birthday celebrations and my night out at the lounge was just the first. The following day, I had a birthday dinner with just a few friends. It was a much smaller scale then the previous night extravaganza and I decided to invite Detroit. It was 40 minutes before it was going to begin and I decided to put our differences aside because I wanted him there. I hadn’t had male attention since my trip to see Texas so I did have underlying motives. But I didn’t follow through with them. Above all, Detroit was a good friend and I didn’t want to miss out on having him around and sharing my birthday with me. Detroit took my invitation very personally. Detroit took me for drinks after the dinner was over and explained to me what was on his mind. He felt that there must be something between us if I invited him to my birthday dinner. I wasn’t exactly sure he was right so I agreed to meet him later in the week for another “birthday” dinner.

When I got home from drinks with Detroit, I looked at my phone and I had a birthday message from a guy I hadn’t spoken to in months. Red and I were cool but we hadn’t talked much recently. Red and I never dated. I didn’t see him as anything more than a friend and I definitely appreciated that he had remembered my birthday. We’ve started to talk more and we even went on what I would classify as a date yesterday. So we shall see what happens there. More than anything I’d like to keep Red as a friend, I’m not sure if there is anything more between us but I am willing to find out

The next morning I realized Texas hadn’t called me on my birthday and I knew then that we would no longer be dating. My birthday is very important to me and it’s hard to come back from that. He hasn’t made much effort to rectify that situation and to me that just show his interest is no longer present. And that’s fine.

Just last week I was at work, minding my own business when I looked up and saw this guy staring at me. I was walking his way and I said hello. He apologized for staring and told me he couldn’t keep his eyes off of my walk. Mr. Mid-West was a little older but I didn’t let that rule him out. He approached me like a gentlemen so I decided to give him a chance. I let him know that I had to get back to work and gave him my number. This man is old enough to know what he wants and he has his mind set on exactly what that is. When we met up after I got off work, he let me know exactly what he was and wasn’t looking for. I’m not sure we’re on the same page, but again, I am willing to find out.

It’s amazing how my lack of interest and but possession of sheer confidence really attracted men my way these last two weeks. It isn’t something that I made a conscious decision to do but man it is working and I am contentiously amused by the attention. They say you’ll find a guy when you’re not looking but who would’ve though I’d end up with 5! Arizona, Michigan, Detroit, Red and Mr. Mid-West. Stay tuned this should be interesting and short lived for some of them.

It's Not A Date

It’s important that both men understand what constitutes a date versus just hanging out. All of the scenarios I mention below are perfectly okay if we are in a committed relationship or we have been seeing each other for a while.

I’m not trying to break into your wallet and milk you for ever penny you worked hard to make. I just want to spend time getting to know you and finding out if we have common interests and chemistry. In order for that to happen, you should first be creative and plan a date. Like a real date. Like a date date, not a kick-it. If you’re not sure what distinguishes a real date from just “kickin it” or “hangin out” let me explain.

It’s not a date, if you invite yourself over to my house to watch a movie. You think I’m dumb enough to let you roam through my refrigerator (cuz yo ass surely didn’t bring anything to eat) and then sit too close to me during the entire movie. It’s not happening.

It’s not a date, if you invite me to meet you at your friends’ party. There will be 300+ other people there, music blasting and plenty of time to not learn anything new about each other, other than that we know how to bump and grind in sync.

It’s not a date, if I have to open my wallet to pay for my own meal when this is the first time we have gone out together and you didn’t tell me the plan before hand. I am not above going Dutch, but I don’t need to find out our dating arrangements after I’m done feasting on Filet Mignon grubbing.

It’s not a date, if you invite me to your house to cook something that was already in your refrigerator. If you had to go to the grocery store to buy the ingredients, I might give you a pass.

Guys, I know it’s a recession and all, but please don’t think we can kick-it and call it a date. It’s not a date and I’m not fallin for it. Putting forth some effort in getting to know me and doing something I like is not only appreciated- it’s required.

Should I tell him?

Should I tell him that I’m seeing him to pass the time?

I have absolutely no interest in a relationship with him and I don’t think he does either. Gone are the days where I stress over why he doesn’t make an effort to see me. No longer do I dwell on his claim that he doesn’t like to go out. I have made it clear that I am not tripping off the fact that he is a homebody because we aren’t dating. We hang out when I have no other plans for the evening. Those occasions are far in between.

We don’t talk on the phone the way we used to because I have nothing I want to tell him. I think he knows what this is; it’s a friendship with no more benefits. So should I have to explicitly tell him that he has been moved from the dating zone to the friend zone?

This weekend he made the “long” journey from his home in Simi Valley to see me. I wasn’t interested in inviting him over and I’m usually never home on Sunday’s anyway. I always find it funny that his interpretation of coming to see me is going to see his friends and then checking on whether or not I’m home. If he had really come this way just to visit me, we would have arranged a time to meet.

I am not a pit stop, I am a destination.

Now that I think about our relationship and the path it has followed, I don’t think I need to tell him. He has known all along.

I just wish he would have told me.

Friday Rant

Kerry Crenshaw met a guy she was semi feeling until he couldn't find his balls to set a time and place where they would meet that same day. He texted throughout the day and lacked any confidence to set up a time and place to meet. They went back and forth with messages of where and when they would meet until she got tired of replying.

...and just like that the rest of ol boy’s texts get ignored because he hesitated. Women like to be told, not asked.

Here is my response to her post.

Problem #1 (well for me anyway): He texted you to set the whole thing up. If he really wanted to take you out and if he was a real man, HE WOULD CALL!!

Problem #2: He is still unsure whether or not your like him: That’s his problem not yours. Obviously you have some interest in him otherwise you wouldn’t have carried on such a drawn out text conversation.

Solution: He needs to go find his balls before he steps to any other woman. Next time he should just text (he really should be calling anyway) the following:

The correct way to ask a woman out:

Guy 12:15pm: I want to take you out tonight, are you free? (you reply within 2 minutes with an emphatic yes.

Guy 12:18pm: Cool. Meet me at [insert cool restaurant here] at [insert reasonable time here.]

Done and Done.

For the full article click here.

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Lies Women Tell: That was f%$#*n best!

Installment 5 of 5

Sorry to break it to you honey but at some point in your sexual history, a woman has faked it with you. I know you think but “I’m Mr. Mandingo Super Man that Hoe in the bedroom,” but you have your off days and we accommodate it by faking. (I just found out that men can fake it too, how sickening!) Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you rock your girls’ world, every single time ya’ll go at it. You don’t!

Even my best partner wanted it when I wasn't in the mood for a mind blowing adventure, so I put on a quick show and went about my business. Other men have a problem with consistency. It's a hit or miss. Then you have those, who I never revisit more than once who are so bad, that during the actual act, I’m planning the rest of my week which doesn’t include doing this again. I’ll moan and groan for a little bit and tell you I’m done after a sufficient amount of time has passed. You’ll ask did I get mines and I’ll tell you, “Yes of course.” I’ll really want to know what you were thinking when you tried that new move, but instead I’ll smile until we cuddle ourselves to sleep. If it was unexpectedly bad, I will tell my girls how bad you were. Women do talk about their sexual conquests by the way. She will drag your name through the dirt if you continue to disappoint so don’t ever get too comfortable.

Unfortunately, most women won’t tell you about your bad performance because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. I swear ya’ll get so defensive about sex, “I had a lot on my mind,” you’ll say.

Yeah, uh huh, sure you did.

It might also be that we would really much rather finish watching Grey’s Anatomy then have sex for hours. So we’ll sort of speed the process along with a little acting. It’s not always that it was bad; we may just not be in the mood. So we’ll say something like, “I’m on my period,” if we don’t want to put on a show. It’s the best lie, because it’s not like you’re going to check if we’re telling the truth, unless you’re that horny or that disgusting.

Don’t be upset and think you are exempt as you read this. If a man really wants to know how I think he did, I’d tell him if he’d ask and I thought he was ready for a conversation about it; especially if it can be fixed.

If you’re bold, I dare you to call an ex partner right now, and ask her if she ever faked it, if she says no, that deserves an Oscar for best performance in a bedroom woman is lying!

Lies Women Tell: I’m not ready for a relationship

Installment 4 of 5
You’ve been dating this woman (I hope you’re not dating a little girl,) for a few months and you’re ready to take it to the next level. At dinner one night, you bring up your relationship and the direction its going. You find yourself getting so excited because you’ve already told your boyz what you were planning to do. Poor simp. She pauses in disbelief; it seems you’ve caught her off guard. She exhales and says, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Let me decode that statement for you:

S1: I’ve been dating this other guy and I’m hoping he asks me to be his girl soon.

S2: I think I can do better than you, so I don’t want to take myself off the market.

S3: I’m afraid of commitment so I’d much rather go through the motions of dating you while not dating anyone else, without having to fully commit.

Think of this way, if she really thought you were a once in a lifetime catch, would she risk you finding someone else by telling you she’s not ready for a relationship. I’m not saying that 100% of the time, when a woman (or man,) uses this statement that she is lying, but I’d give myself a 90% probability that what she really means is 1 or 2.

In this case, you probably shouldn’t waste your time with her anyway. If she does “commit” to you after time has passed one of two things could happen, she could realize how great you really are and fall madly in love with you. Or, she could end up breaking your heart because she didn’t really like you in the first place and just wanted someone, anyone to call their boyfriend. Flip a coin and pick your fate.

Friday Rant

This was sent in by an anonymous reader. I must say this fellow was quite creative in expressing how he was feeling about this young lady. It's not really my cup of tea, but it was entertaining to read and probably even more entertaining to receive.
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You make me feel like a groupie at jeezy party...I just want to wrap you up...and put u in a lil backpack and carry you around all day.

You are so...neosporin on a bad cut....a charger with a v8 and 24in rims in watts...and pro basketball player to a white girl. You dope.
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Lies Women Tell: I’ve only had ? partners

Installment 3 of 5

"How many partners have you had?"

Did you know there is a mathematical equation behind that answer.

Whenever a woman gives you her “magic number,” take it and add 2 or 3 because she’s probably lying.

Real answer = (number given) + (1 who wasn't good) + (2 she can't remember) + (1 she'd rather pretend didn't happen)

Note: Not all women lie but I have several female friends who would be found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt by a group of their peers if charges were ever brought against them.

Women understand that the way they answer this question will affect how a guy perceives them from that point on. So sometimes, they subtract a few. Some even rationalize it to themselves.

“Oh he doesn’t count because I was on vacation.”

“Johnny doesn’t count because we stopped before I came.”

On one hand, it’s totally acceptable and expected, for men to blurt out any number from 15 – 40 (that’s a lot to me by the way…I will consider you a man whore.) On the other hand, if a woman mentions any number above 10, no matter what her age, her partner will probably think she’s a bit easy. Some women have lied about their number so many times, that they begin to believe the lie themselves. They’ve said 10 for so long, they can't remember what their real number is. It may be 15 or 132, at this point she just can't remember.

For me, I only divulge my "magic number" when I’m comfortable with a guy. I don't lie about it either because I haven't done anything with anyone that I'm ashamed of. I wait to discuss it not because my number is outrageous, but because most men ask this question entirely too early.

I always wondered why men don’t follow or precede this line of questioning with, so when was the last time you were tested? What were the results? Have you ever had an STD? If you can’t answer that question immediately, know that I do ask, then don’t worry about the number of partners I’ve had, cuz you're not about to be one anytime soon anyway. I don't want to hear that bump on your lip is a pimple without a doctor's note to support it.

Fellas, do you believe your mate when she gives you her number? Truthfully, how important is it? What number would make you immediately loose her number and pretend she doesn't exist...or make you hit it once double strapped and never call again.

Ladies, have you ever lied about your number? If so, do you remember the last time you told the truth?

If two people feel they are ready to have sex, then sexual history should be discussed before engaging in any physical activity. But, if this is our third conversation, (note: you aren't about to get lucky after 3 conversations) please don't ask me that question or any question related to sex for that matter.

Originally Posted at I Hate The Way You Eat Cereal

Lies Women Tell: No I’m not mad at you

Installment 2 of 5

If you know you’ve done something wrong, (I swear men just don’t like to admit when they're wrong) why in the heck wouldn’t your girl be mad at you? Instead of thinking she wants you to be a mind reader, because sometimes she does know that she would really actually appreciate it if you could recognize that what you do affects her. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s nagging every time she brings something up, so instead she’ll say, “No honey, I’m not mad at you.”

Some women will never let their guy know just how mad they really are on the spot. Instead, she might talk shit about you to her friends until it looks like things have blown over. Later on, in a fit of rage, she might throw what you did in your face just to belittle your feelings for her. No one said love was easy. No matter how long ago the incident occurred, she will expect you to identify what you did wrong, apologize and never let it happen again.

Don’t let it get this far! When she says that she is not mad but you can tell she is, call her out on it. I know it’s a bit immature. But she’ll give you all the signs you need to be aware that she’s lying. You need to be able to pick up on the change in her voice, the fact that she’s rolling her eyes or she might even mumble under her breath.

Dig until you get it out of her, she really wants to tell you. She just needs to know you care.

Hey, we women can be difficult creatures, but each sex has their faults, like Mr. Emotionally Unavailable at any age... but i’ll save that for another post.

Originally posted at I Hate The Way You Eat Cereal

August Update

On the dating side, I'm still single sexy and free. I'm not dating anyone. Let me take that back, I'm not taking the one person I'm kinda seeing seriously. I call him when I'm bored and I think he does the same because he is not very consistent. Its someone I've written about before and once I give you his M. O. you'll know exactly who I'm talking about.

We haven't even kissed since we've gotten back in contact but when I need some male attention, I call him. If he lived closer, I'd probably spend more time with him, but that truck to the valley is no joke. If he liked going out more, I might also spend more time with him, but he is a homebody and I can 'kick it' solo. His accent is still sexy as hell but his dating style leaves nothing to look forward to.

Mr. AOS still doesn't count as someone I'm dating. He's there and when I want to get away from the confines of my house and books.

On a more important note, I am happy to announce that I finally have some direction in my life. It's been keeping me pretty busy so I haven't left my house too much. I will admit I do get lonely occasionally and when I do I call Mr. AOS. Til I have more time, I'm only worried about me. I'm focused man.

2009 is my year!

Friday Rant

Dear Mr. No Chemistry,

When I met you I thought our meeting had the potential to grow into something wonderful. From the minute you approached me, I could tell you were a man of God, and a true gentleman with a kind heart. You had a smile that wouldn’t quit and the ability to keep me laughing even when I didn’t feel like it. Only problem was we had no chemistry. We went on 3 dates and eventually parted ways amicably. Two days quickly turned into 2 weeks before I realized I hadn’t heard from you.

Even though things didn’t work out between us, you have restored my faith in men. I know there is a man or several out there for me, who will be all the things he is supposed to be. I’m opening my heart to the possibility of meeting him one day.

I wish you and all the men I have dated like you well in all that you do in the future. It didn’t work between us but I know you’re going to make some other woman very happy.

Peace,

Si Si

Too Busy...

Scene: I log onto Facebook to check out my friends’ event profile. Before I can even type in her name into the search field, a guy I’m not that interested in sends me an instant message.

(Facebook I hate you for adding this application by the way.)

Guy: Hey, there you are? How have you been? You haven’t been on here in a while. Are you avoiding me? When are we going to hang out? I called and texted you but you never got back to me.

(2 seconds pass)

Guy: See that’s what I’m talking about. Bye Si Si

(2 more seconds pass)

Guy: Are you there?

(How could he have an entire conversation all by himself, I thought? I couldn’t believe he typed all of that without even letting me reply to the first question. The real answer is yes I was avoiding you. I learned how to log on idle but I slipped up this one time and you caught me.)

Me: …..no of course I’m not avoiding you. I’ve just been busy.

Here is a clue: No one is ever that busy! It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, if I’m truly interested in getting to know someone, I will make time for them. If I’m not that interested and they catch me online, I won’t be rude. I’ll hold a short conversation, while secretly plotting how to get out of it. Since I know that the rule of "busyness" goes for men too, I know when one isn’t feeling me. (It was probably mutual anyway.)

Whenever a guy starts to fall off and he apologizes because he is too busy, I immediately put him in the friend category. There is no way I can take a guy like this seriously. If Diddy can get two women, living on opposite sides of the country pregnant at the same time, surely you can pick up the phone to call me. I'll probably continue to see him as long as he is not flaky, but inconsistency will not be rewarded.

I’m not one of those girls that require a lot of attention either. I have my own life, my own friends, and my own priorities and passions. I am not trying to take you away from what’s making you money, money you’re hopefully using on me, since you claim to be working. Trust, I know you need time to do that. But please believe I will not sit at home waiting by the phone, in hopes that you will call. I will not repeatedly be cancelled on in place of some thing else you consider more important. I know this to be true, most people aren’t that busy. Instead I understand that they just aren’t that interested.

So the next time someone of the opposite sex is slow to respond to your messages and/or return your phone calls, you have two options, you can give them the benefit of the doubt and wait for their call or you can take a hint and see more people. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to cut them off either, just keep your options open.

Lies Women Tell: I have a boyfriend

Installment 1 of 5

You saw me walking down the street and decided I was cute and wanted to make your move. I turned around after you tapped my shoulder and after speaking to you for 1 minute I didn’t think you were worthy of anymore of my time. I could tell right away that we had nothing in common from those inital 60 seconds. In order to spare your feelings about you not being my type, I say to you “I have a boyfriend.”

The truth is that this is a complete lie- I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years. I am also sure that I am not the first and will not be the last woman to lie to you about my current relationship status. I decided I didn’t want to waste your time by giving you my number and never answering your calls, so I told a little white lie.

Why is it that you decide to respond with, “We can just be friends. I really just want to get to know you.”

What the heck does that mean?

How can a male and a female who just met off the streets, just be friends? The answer is they can’t. How do you propose we become friends anyway? Go to the movies together, have a quick lunch here and there, isn't that considered dating? At this moment I've already informed you that I was committed to someone else, so please don’t embarrass yourself any further. I’m not interested in getting to know you and NO I don’t want to be your friend.

Originally Posted at I Hate The Way You Eat Cereal

The Power of the Hot Comb

Part I
A couple of months ago I decided to try a new hairstyle: kinky twists. It was a natural style that didn’t require much upkeep and was great for those sweaty days at the gym. It required no heat and getting ready in the mornings was a breeze. Something about it just made me feel more in touch with my roots. I made sure not to make my twists too much longer than my real hair so that it looked more believable as my own. But after 6 weeks, I couldn’t stand the hairstyle anymore. (That’s how I am with any hairstyle. I like change.)

During the weeks with my kinky twists, I noticed the amount of men that approached me decline. Normally I couldn't go more than 2 days without some guy saying something. Know that my twists were never raggedy, because I know how to do hair myself, and self maintenance is always top priority in my book. I kept them neat, clean and everything else in tact. But men just weren't checking for me as often as before. I noticed that my Caucasian co-workers could not get enough of my unique hairstyle and one even told me she envied my hair. Sad ro say but most of the compliments I got on my hair came from people, especially men, who were not black.

As soon as I stepped out of the hair salon and back to my press & curl I was approached by a group of gentlemen standing outside. I gave my usual wave as I kept walking and said that I couldn’t stop. These same men had seen me walk in the shop with a beanie and shades but now they couldn’t help but speak.

Was it the smell of the salon or the wind blowing my curls that caught their eye? I didn’t feel like I walked any differently with my fresh press so I could only attribute their comments to one change. My new smooth do.

My shoulder length hair flowing in the wind continued to catch the eyes of many men between the shop and my car.

Did I walk differently with straight hair?

Why were men so much more attracted to me now?