I N D E P E N D E N T Do You Know What That Mean Man
She Got Her Own House
She Got Her Own Car
Two Jobs Work Hard U A Bad Broad
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
I completely understand where men are coming from with all these songs about Independent women. Between Ne-Yo and Webbie, women who are doing things for themselves have a lot to be proud of. Every time this song comes on in the club, I notice men survey the room to see which woman is singing the song the hardest in order to find their next prey. But the problem I am having these days is how do I point out an independent man?
Women have all these songs dedicated to Independent women yet we don’t have the same songs for men. Why is that? It’s because we believe it’s inherent in men’s nature to be independent creatures. It’s a part of their genetic make-up right? If you are a man, you stand on your own two feet. And usually it’s at an earlier age than most women.
Why is it that men have been maturing at a slower rate? The same men that talk about how they want a woman who has her shit together seem to be the main ones still mooching off mommy and daddy. I’ve noticed that men, well the one’s my friends and I have been meeting, think its okay to take their time when moving from up under their family and finding their own way in the world. Men in their mid-twenties are moving away from the shelter at a later age than normal.
As women have become more independent, why have men become more dependent?
I know that there are a lot of men out there and they would find offense in being referred to as an Independent man. Or at least I would hope so. A man isn’t a man if he is dependent on someone else for money, shelter or food, right. A man is supposed to be the hunter and the provider, if he is incapable of doing that, does he consider himself not to be a real man? Should I?
I know not all men are guilty of this, what I hope is only an LA, phenomenon. But I have been running into these men at a staggering rate. And this whole epidemic is just mind boggling to me as an “independent” woman who is looking for a real man.
If you have any questions as to whether or not you or your man is guilty of not being a man keep reading.
If your living situation is not conducive to a relationship, please take sixteen steps back; especially if you live at home with your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles. If for some reason you are going through a divorce, or a bad break-up and you still keep in contact with your ex, please do not apply. If you are in between jobs and your lack of work began before this recession take a look in the mirror and find your manhood. If the pink slip for your vehicle is not in your name, back the heck up and get on the bus. I don’t want to have to wonder who you will be borrowing a car from the next time we go out.
After my date last night I feel the need to add an addendum to my list: If you are not guilty of any of the above now, but you will be in 6 months, put your head down. Temporary “independence” is not the same.
Looks like I’m gonna have to switch up the lyrics for the fellas.
CUE MUSIC!
I N D E P E N D E N T Do You Know What That Mean Girl
He Got His Own House
He Got His Own Car
Good Job Work Hard U A Bad Guy
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
Surveying the room to see which man sang along the hardest…
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Looking for Love In All the "Wrong" Places
Majority rules that a night club is not a place to meet someone nice--however, going out to dance and dressing fashionably are part of my interests. So, wouldn't make sense I would meet someone with similar interests at such a place? I have been told repeatedly that a nightclub is not a good place for meeting a potential life partner, it can happen yes, but the odds are against it right. I know that most men (and some women) are there for a one night deal. But that’s not why I go, so why can’t I keep my options open.
Over the last several of years, the list of places where I have been told I should not meet a mate or give my number to, has grown tremendously. It used to be “don’t give your number out in a night club,” which I get but sometimes don’t follow. Either way I’d prefer to meet a guy when I’m looking the way I do everyday. In jeans and cute shirt (I don’t do t-shirts) and heels. I love heels, what can I say.
I have compiled a list of places friends and some family has repeatedly told me not to meet a guy. Some of them are a bit ridiculous. I have also listed places I have been told is a good place to meet a guy.
DONT MEET A GUY...
Nightclub/Lounge - Too many reasons given to type
While driving down the street – I must admit I have done this once, can’t say I wouldn’t do it again.
At the gym – I work out hard, shouldn’t he?
Online – This one I agree with hands down, did you read my stalker post.
At the gas station – Random I know but doesn’t everyone need gas?
At work – After experimenting with this one, I do agree its not a good place in case things don’t work out, things can get fishy. Especially if you find out you were dating the office slut. (I use slut to refer to males as well.)
DO MEET A GUY
Church – hmmm some of those same people were at the club the night before, I know because sometimes I am sometimes one of them.
At the grocery store – If he cooks, this may be great!
Through a mutual friend – Do you trust your friends’ opinion? This one has actually worked out the best for me by far. That's how I met Mr. AOS, who isn't horrible, just not the one for me. And that's how I met Detroit, I was the "bring a cute friend."
Bookstore or library – I guess. Common interests…
School or work convention – Just like with a bookstore, you can find someone with common interests it seems.
Bar – funny how a bar is okay but a club is not. I think it’s because you can talk to a person at a bar without yelling. This does not include LA bar/club/lounges that are called bars and lounges but have a tiny dance floor and play loud music. Dance floor = Club!
I noticed that the places to meet a nice guy all have one thing in common. They have a setting conducive to conversation, which aids in getting to know someone. So I do understand why so many people have told me to shy away from certain places, but with each year I spend dating, someone is always giving me a new one. With all these rules, it’s hard to keep up with when and where I should give my number out and/or take a guy seriously.
Ultimately I always keep my options open and make my decision on a case by case basis. It’s so much easier that way. I still know the stigma behind a few on the ‘places not to meet a man list,’ but I’ll make the final decision.
Do you have any additional places to add to this list? I feel like I am leaving off some key places.
Where would you not want to tell your girls you met a nice guy? (Or would you be too embarrassed to shout on the rooftop where you met your dream man.)
If he is so nice, why should you care anyway...
Over the last several of years, the list of places where I have been told I should not meet a mate or give my number to, has grown tremendously. It used to be “don’t give your number out in a night club,” which I get but sometimes don’t follow. Either way I’d prefer to meet a guy when I’m looking the way I do everyday. In jeans and cute shirt (I don’t do t-shirts) and heels. I love heels, what can I say.
I have compiled a list of places friends and some family has repeatedly told me not to meet a guy. Some of them are a bit ridiculous. I have also listed places I have been told is a good place to meet a guy.
DONT MEET A GUY...
Nightclub/Lounge - Too many reasons given to type
While driving down the street – I must admit I have done this once, can’t say I wouldn’t do it again.
At the gym – I work out hard, shouldn’t he?
Online – This one I agree with hands down, did you read my stalker post.
At the gas station – Random I know but doesn’t everyone need gas?
At work – After experimenting with this one, I do agree its not a good place in case things don’t work out, things can get fishy. Especially if you find out you were dating the office slut. (I use slut to refer to males as well.)
DO MEET A GUY
Church – hmmm some of those same people were at the club the night before, I know because sometimes I am sometimes one of them.
At the grocery store – If he cooks, this may be great!
Through a mutual friend – Do you trust your friends’ opinion? This one has actually worked out the best for me by far. That's how I met Mr. AOS, who isn't horrible, just not the one for me. And that's how I met Detroit, I was the "bring a cute friend."
Bookstore or library – I guess. Common interests…
School or work convention – Just like with a bookstore, you can find someone with common interests it seems.
Bar – funny how a bar is okay but a club is not. I think it’s because you can talk to a person at a bar without yelling. This does not include LA bar/club/lounges that are called bars and lounges but have a tiny dance floor and play loud music. Dance floor = Club!
I noticed that the places to meet a nice guy all have one thing in common. They have a setting conducive to conversation, which aids in getting to know someone. So I do understand why so many people have told me to shy away from certain places, but with each year I spend dating, someone is always giving me a new one. With all these rules, it’s hard to keep up with when and where I should give my number out and/or take a guy seriously.
Ultimately I always keep my options open and make my decision on a case by case basis. It’s so much easier that way. I still know the stigma behind a few on the ‘places not to meet a man list,’ but I’ll make the final decision.
Do you have any additional places to add to this list? I feel like I am leaving off some key places.
Where would you not want to tell your girls you met a nice guy? (Or would you be too embarrassed to shout on the rooftop where you met your dream man.)
If he is so nice, why should you care anyway...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Watch This: VH1 Tough Love
A few weeks ago VH1 premiered a show called Tough Love that I think every single woman should watch.
Here is a summary of the show:
Tough Love on VH1 takes 8 women to Tough Love Boot Camp. Mother and son Master Matchmakers, Steven and JoAnn Ward. The reality series follows the grueling process of helping eight different women who are looking for love.
In the first episode, What Men Really Think, the eight women put themselves out there for Steven to tell them what they were doing wrong. If they are coming across as slutty, needy, motherly, cold or tough, Steven confronted them with how they were being perceived by men.
First impressions are everything in love and these women needed coaching to understand how they were coming across to the men they meet. The process was sometimes cruel and brutally honest.
The process was not to hurt feelings, but to teach women changes needed to make a better first impression. Women were told how men perceived them and then gived a makeover so they could go out a make a great first impression. They were also coached about they way they talked and related to people that could turn men off.
Steven Ward promised the women that if they followed his advice for the eight week bootcamp, they would be able to find love.
Tough Love airs on on VH1 on Sunday night, at 10 PM ET.
This should be at the very least entertaining. "Reality" TV, gotta love it.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Ring the Alarm
Last week when I was cleaning up, I found a ring my ex had given me. It was his “promise” to always do right by me and to stay by my side. We see how that worked out. But the ring is pretty nevertheless. It is silver and much understated. It has 5 small hearts banded together, which from afar could resemble a band. Every other heart has 3 tiny diamonds inside it.
In my eyes it doesn’t resemble a wedding band nor does it look like an engagement ring I would wear. So I decided to start rocking it. But because of its original intentions, it only fits on one finger.
My ring finger.
The finger that is supposed to stay bare until some man decides he wants you to be in his life for eternity.
With all of that in mind, I decided I was going to wear it any way. I didn’t think guys really paid attention to whether or not a girl was off the market. I figured, if they saw something they liked, they wouldn’t care nor comment if it appeared someone else had already marked their territory.
Boy was I wrong. In the last 3 days, I have had 3 guys make a comment about my ring.
Last week, while I was out at a bar/lounge, a guy came up to me. His approach was weak so I wasn’t the least bit interested. Plus he had a stench of alcohol that exuded from his body as I passed him over 2 feet away. I don’t have a problem with someone who drinks, but it just seemed that he had one too many that night. He proceeded to step in front of me as I was walking to the bar. He asked for my name, where I was from and I tried not to be rude so I answered. He went on to compliment, my height, my dress, among other things.
Before I could walk away (trust me I was definitely about to,) he grabbed my hand and asked me if I was married.
I looked down at my hand. I was wearing the ring on my ring finger. A look of astonishment overcame my face. I had forgotten that I had it on at all. Could this be a blessing in disguise? For some reason (must have been my conscious) I couldn’t lie about it. I told him I was neither married nor interested and walked away.
Two days later, I was in a fast food restaurant with my sister waiting on our food. We were sitting and talking and a guy jumped in our conversation. I’m not sure what we were talking about, but somehow the question arose again after 10 minutes of banter.
“Are you married or engaged?”
This time I wasn’t caught off guard. I knew exactly what had prompted his questioning. He said that he wanted to get to know me and he was waiting.
I asked him what he was waiting for. He replied, “For you to take down my number.” I laughed. He then said it again, “I’m waiting.”
I told him no I wasn’t engaged or married and that I also wasn’t interested in him. He thanked me for my honesty and left.
I was trying to decide whether or not I should stop wearing it. I think the ring is cute but it could also discourage someone I might actually be interested in from approaching me. Ultimately I figure if someone is really interested, they’ll ask.
So I’ll continue to rock it.
In my eyes it doesn’t resemble a wedding band nor does it look like an engagement ring I would wear. So I decided to start rocking it. But because of its original intentions, it only fits on one finger.
My ring finger.
The finger that is supposed to stay bare until some man decides he wants you to be in his life for eternity.
With all of that in mind, I decided I was going to wear it any way. I didn’t think guys really paid attention to whether or not a girl was off the market. I figured, if they saw something they liked, they wouldn’t care nor comment if it appeared someone else had already marked their territory.
Boy was I wrong. In the last 3 days, I have had 3 guys make a comment about my ring.
Last week, while I was out at a bar/lounge, a guy came up to me. His approach was weak so I wasn’t the least bit interested. Plus he had a stench of alcohol that exuded from his body as I passed him over 2 feet away. I don’t have a problem with someone who drinks, but it just seemed that he had one too many that night. He proceeded to step in front of me as I was walking to the bar. He asked for my name, where I was from and I tried not to be rude so I answered. He went on to compliment, my height, my dress, among other things.
Before I could walk away (trust me I was definitely about to,) he grabbed my hand and asked me if I was married.
I looked down at my hand. I was wearing the ring on my ring finger. A look of astonishment overcame my face. I had forgotten that I had it on at all. Could this be a blessing in disguise? For some reason (must have been my conscious) I couldn’t lie about it. I told him I was neither married nor interested and walked away.
Two days later, I was in a fast food restaurant with my sister waiting on our food. We were sitting and talking and a guy jumped in our conversation. I’m not sure what we were talking about, but somehow the question arose again after 10 minutes of banter.
“Are you married or engaged?”
This time I wasn’t caught off guard. I knew exactly what had prompted his questioning. He said that he wanted to get to know me and he was waiting.
I asked him what he was waiting for. He replied, “For you to take down my number.” I laughed. He then said it again, “I’m waiting.”
I told him no I wasn’t engaged or married and that I also wasn’t interested in him. He thanked me for my honesty and left.
I was trying to decide whether or not I should stop wearing it. I think the ring is cute but it could also discourage someone I might actually be interested in from approaching me. Ultimately I figure if someone is really interested, they’ll ask.
So I’ll continue to rock it.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Synonymous with Single
It seems that my name comes to my friends' mind when the word “hook-up” is involved. This year I've had a few friends ask if they could introduce me to someone they knew. I can take this phenom two ways. The first way, which I am leaning towards, is that my friends think that I am a wonderful person who deserves someone special in my life to share all that life has to offer. Who has not had the best of luck in the dating department, but who is a great catch.
The second (not so dreamy) way to look at it is that my friends are tired of hearing me complain about the guys I date. Maybe they don't think I'm making the right choices in the dating department and they think they could do better.
Either way I always keep my options open since I know they are thinking of me with love. Right? It’s not like it could get any worse, right? At the very least, these new men will give me more material to write and think about. If things don't work out, at least I have someone else to point the blame finger at.
I love a good scapegoat.
Could my friends know me better than I know myself?
The jury is still out on this one…
The second (not so dreamy) way to look at it is that my friends are tired of hearing me complain about the guys I date. Maybe they don't think I'm making the right choices in the dating department and they think they could do better.
Either way I always keep my options open since I know they are thinking of me with love. Right? It’s not like it could get any worse, right? At the very least, these new men will give me more material to write and think about. If things don't work out, at least I have someone else to point the blame finger at.
I love a good scapegoat.
Could my friends know me better than I know myself?
The jury is still out on this one…
Friday, March 13, 2009
Ever wonder, what if? (Part 2)
Apparently the entire neighborhood decided to go to the same park we were going to. There was absolutely no parking in sight, anywhere near the park. We must have driven around for at least a half hour looking for a spot.
He received call during our scavenger hunt for a parking spot. I tuned out from that moment on trying to prepare myself for what was about to happen. Finally, we found a spot.
As we were walking towards the park, I was trying not to look around. I was hoping that she wasn’t there. Please tell me she left, I repeated to myself. Now is not the time.
Quatro ended his call and seemed disappointed. I asked him if his mother and family were still there, well here. He informed me that they had left.
Phew!
I felt so much better, so much more relaxed. Apparently they had waited long enough, (for me?) and were ready to go home. I didn’t want to discuss the situation any further. I had dodged that bullet and I was happy but upset with him. We had discussed family the week prior and I told him I was not ready to meet anyone.
For the next couple of months (yes I said months), I avoided any contact with Quatro. When he called, I was very short with him and always found a reason to be unavailable. For some reason he kept pursuing me. And finally in September he wore me down. When his birthday came around, I found a reason to see him. We had a special dinner by the beach just the two of us and spent the rest of the evening walking along the coast.
We had fallen back into our old habits for a few weeks until work got in the way. I was working so many hours that there was no time for anything else, including Quatro. He would still call, but I could tell he was beginning to loose become frustrated that our relationship wasn’t moving forward.
During that time, he asked me again where our relationship was going. But I still wasn’t ready. Yes we had been dating for about 5 months, but I still afraid of commitment. Its not like I was seeing anyone else, there just wasn’t enough time in the day for that. But I wasn’t ready so I shut him down, again.
When he started to contact me even less, I was so wrapped in work that I didn’t have time to do anything about it. By the time I was back to a regular schedule, his calls were fewer and less in between.
Two months later, a few weeks before Christmas I got the news via Facebook. Quatro got what he wanted, from someone else. He was listed as ‘in a relationship.’
Quatro would still call to check up on me every once in a while for the next few months but eventually that would end.
Fast forward 3 years. Thanks to Facebook I have more great news to report. Quatro is married. Yes, married. He married the girl he got with after me. Just recently I was checking Facebook and his page was filled with their wedding pictures.
Looking at the pictures I couldn’t help but wonder what if. What if I had met Quatro now instead of 3 years ago? What if I had known then what I know now? That there are not a lot of men like Quatro out there, who are that focused and driven who put God first. Who wanted to find someone to spend the rest of their life with?
Without playing games.
Without the drama.
Quatro and I were not meant to be. But seeing those pictures made me think about our relationship and how it concluded?
Have you ever had a relationship that you were responsible for ending?
Have you ever wondered, what if?
He received call during our scavenger hunt for a parking spot. I tuned out from that moment on trying to prepare myself for what was about to happen. Finally, we found a spot.
As we were walking towards the park, I was trying not to look around. I was hoping that she wasn’t there. Please tell me she left, I repeated to myself. Now is not the time.
Quatro ended his call and seemed disappointed. I asked him if his mother and family were still there, well here. He informed me that they had left.
Phew!
I felt so much better, so much more relaxed. Apparently they had waited long enough, (for me?) and were ready to go home. I didn’t want to discuss the situation any further. I had dodged that bullet and I was happy but upset with him. We had discussed family the week prior and I told him I was not ready to meet anyone.
For the next couple of months (yes I said months), I avoided any contact with Quatro. When he called, I was very short with him and always found a reason to be unavailable. For some reason he kept pursuing me. And finally in September he wore me down. When his birthday came around, I found a reason to see him. We had a special dinner by the beach just the two of us and spent the rest of the evening walking along the coast.
We had fallen back into our old habits for a few weeks until work got in the way. I was working so many hours that there was no time for anything else, including Quatro. He would still call, but I could tell he was beginning to loose become frustrated that our relationship wasn’t moving forward.
During that time, he asked me again where our relationship was going. But I still wasn’t ready. Yes we had been dating for about 5 months, but I still afraid of commitment. Its not like I was seeing anyone else, there just wasn’t enough time in the day for that. But I wasn’t ready so I shut him down, again.
When he started to contact me even less, I was so wrapped in work that I didn’t have time to do anything about it. By the time I was back to a regular schedule, his calls were fewer and less in between.
Two months later, a few weeks before Christmas I got the news via Facebook. Quatro got what he wanted, from someone else. He was listed as ‘in a relationship.’
Quatro would still call to check up on me every once in a while for the next few months but eventually that would end.
Fast forward 3 years. Thanks to Facebook I have more great news to report. Quatro is married. Yes, married. He married the girl he got with after me. Just recently I was checking Facebook and his page was filled with their wedding pictures.
Looking at the pictures I couldn’t help but wonder what if. What if I had met Quatro now instead of 3 years ago? What if I had known then what I know now? That there are not a lot of men like Quatro out there, who are that focused and driven who put God first. Who wanted to find someone to spend the rest of their life with?
Without playing games.
Without the drama.
Quatro and I were not meant to be. But seeing those pictures made me think about our relationship and how it concluded?
Have you ever had a relationship that you were responsible for ending?
Have you ever wondered, what if?
Ever wonder, what if? (Part 1)
You ever look back on a relationship and think what if. What if I had done something different?
Rewind 3 years. I was a 21 year-old senior in college on the verge of graduation. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for my future in regards to my career (as a matter of fact I’m still not sure, dang.) My 3 ½ year relationship to my boyfriend had ended 6 months prior.. My friends kept telling to move on from my ex but I kept finding myself back with him. But 6 months ago I finally had had it and I was done. Our relationship had no future and I finally accepted it. Now I was about to graduate in a couple of weeks and in 21 years on this earth hadn’t dated any other guy except him. Given all of the above, it is clear to assume that I had no interest in relationships.
Then he came along. I’m not exactly sure when or how we met (although I’m sure it had something to do with our common organizations,) but Quatro made a quick impact on me and how I viewed dating for years to come. Unlike me, he was 25 years-old and those extra years gave him a clearer path to what he wanted in life. Quatro was on his grind, working 2 jobs while completing his undergraduate degree. Quatro was also looking for a career he enjoyed and that was one of the things we had in common among others. He was about 6’5, chocolate, deep voice, nice smile and built like a Terrell Owens (not as muscular but close.) I mean this brotha was solid. Up until this point we had never talked on the phone (which would have been hard since he didn’t have my phone number. All of our communication was through the internet (original right.)
Finally, we were online chatting one day and he asked for my number. I’m not sure when we passed the line from friends to dating but I was interested in finding out more about him. I remember asking all my friends what it meant for us to have been talking and for him to have asked for my number. I was completely clueless; remember I never dated anyone in junior nor high school so give me a break.
During our first conversation, Quatro defined our dating parameters. He explained to me that he wasn’t looking to date around. That if he found someone he liked, he wanted to focus on only her and begin a relationship. Being that my ex was the same way, I thought all men worked that way. I mean it only makes sense. Why would a guy want to play games and date a lot of women? Again, how naïve right?
For the first month, Quatro and I hung out consistently. His idea of a date was me putting on my cocktail dress, going to a restaurant by the beach and walking in the sand after dinner. Or we would rent a movie and snuggle on his couch in his apartment. At least three times a week I would go to his house to study because it was much easier to study with him than at my own place. Whenever I found myself daydreaming or wanting to take a break, Quatro would quickly put me back on track. He constantly reminded me that I was almost done with school so I should focus and finish on top.
When it was time for my graduation, I stressed over whether or not I should to invite him. I told him my ex and his family would be there and that I would understand if he didn’t want to come. When he insisted on coming anyway I could tell that he wanted to be there to support me. As soon as my graduation ceremony ended, Quatro was the first person to greet me. He caught me before I went outside to find my ex and all of my friends. He gave me some flowers and congratulated me on my achievement.
What I liked most about him was that Quatro wasn’t too pushy. WhenI told him that I would be spending the rest of the day with my girls and that I would catch up with him later Quatro gave me a hug and left. If this is what dating was like I wanted to be a part of it. I mean this we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks but I could tell how much he cared. Again, how naïve right?
After a few weeks into dating, Quatro asked me where our relationship was going. I didn’t understand why he wanted to define what was already working so well, so soon. We were having fun and getting to know each other, I thought. I told him I enjoyed spending time with him and I wanted to continue to get to know him but that I didn’t want to rush anything. I had just ended a long term relationship and wasn’t looking to replace it. He listened to my concerns about moving too fast and we continued at our regular pace.
The following week was Fourth of July. Quatro spent most of the day with his family while I was at work. We decided to go a fireworks show at a local park after I got off work.
As soon as 8pm hit, Quatro was at my house to pick me up. I could always count on him to be prompt and it was something I appreciated.
During the drive he made a phone call, something Quatro didn’t normally do around me. It’s not that he had anything to hide, he was just sure that when he was with me, all attention was on me. Without being too obvious, I listened closely as he spoke to the receiver. I could tell that he was talking to a woman but it was hard to hear what she was saying.
Quatro asked her if she had left the park. I couldn’t make out what her response but I was starting to guess who the person on the other line was.
After he ended his call he looked towards me. Quatro told me that his mother was supposed to be at the park because she, along with other members of his family, watched the first half of the show at the same park we were headed. He said he wasn’t sure if she would still be there but that if she was, he wanted me to meet her.
Mother!
I wasn’t ready to meet his mother!
Rewind 3 years. I was a 21 year-old senior in college on the verge of graduation. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for my future in regards to my career (as a matter of fact I’m still not sure, dang.) My 3 ½ year relationship to my boyfriend had ended 6 months prior.. My friends kept telling to move on from my ex but I kept finding myself back with him. But 6 months ago I finally had had it and I was done. Our relationship had no future and I finally accepted it. Now I was about to graduate in a couple of weeks and in 21 years on this earth hadn’t dated any other guy except him. Given all of the above, it is clear to assume that I had no interest in relationships.
Then he came along. I’m not exactly sure when or how we met (although I’m sure it had something to do with our common organizations,) but Quatro made a quick impact on me and how I viewed dating for years to come. Unlike me, he was 25 years-old and those extra years gave him a clearer path to what he wanted in life. Quatro was on his grind, working 2 jobs while completing his undergraduate degree. Quatro was also looking for a career he enjoyed and that was one of the things we had in common among others. He was about 6’5, chocolate, deep voice, nice smile and built like a Terrell Owens (not as muscular but close.) I mean this brotha was solid. Up until this point we had never talked on the phone (which would have been hard since he didn’t have my phone number. All of our communication was through the internet (original right.)
Finally, we were online chatting one day and he asked for my number. I’m not sure when we passed the line from friends to dating but I was interested in finding out more about him. I remember asking all my friends what it meant for us to have been talking and for him to have asked for my number. I was completely clueless; remember I never dated anyone in junior nor high school so give me a break.
During our first conversation, Quatro defined our dating parameters. He explained to me that he wasn’t looking to date around. That if he found someone he liked, he wanted to focus on only her and begin a relationship. Being that my ex was the same way, I thought all men worked that way. I mean it only makes sense. Why would a guy want to play games and date a lot of women? Again, how naïve right?
For the first month, Quatro and I hung out consistently. His idea of a date was me putting on my cocktail dress, going to a restaurant by the beach and walking in the sand after dinner. Or we would rent a movie and snuggle on his couch in his apartment. At least three times a week I would go to his house to study because it was much easier to study with him than at my own place. Whenever I found myself daydreaming or wanting to take a break, Quatro would quickly put me back on track. He constantly reminded me that I was almost done with school so I should focus and finish on top.
When it was time for my graduation, I stressed over whether or not I should to invite him. I told him my ex and his family would be there and that I would understand if he didn’t want to come. When he insisted on coming anyway I could tell that he wanted to be there to support me. As soon as my graduation ceremony ended, Quatro was the first person to greet me. He caught me before I went outside to find my ex and all of my friends. He gave me some flowers and congratulated me on my achievement.
What I liked most about him was that Quatro wasn’t too pushy. WhenI told him that I would be spending the rest of the day with my girls and that I would catch up with him later Quatro gave me a hug and left. If this is what dating was like I wanted to be a part of it. I mean this we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks but I could tell how much he cared. Again, how naïve right?
After a few weeks into dating, Quatro asked me where our relationship was going. I didn’t understand why he wanted to define what was already working so well, so soon. We were having fun and getting to know each other, I thought. I told him I enjoyed spending time with him and I wanted to continue to get to know him but that I didn’t want to rush anything. I had just ended a long term relationship and wasn’t looking to replace it. He listened to my concerns about moving too fast and we continued at our regular pace.
The following week was Fourth of July. Quatro spent most of the day with his family while I was at work. We decided to go a fireworks show at a local park after I got off work.
As soon as 8pm hit, Quatro was at my house to pick me up. I could always count on him to be prompt and it was something I appreciated.
During the drive he made a phone call, something Quatro didn’t normally do around me. It’s not that he had anything to hide, he was just sure that when he was with me, all attention was on me. Without being too obvious, I listened closely as he spoke to the receiver. I could tell that he was talking to a woman but it was hard to hear what she was saying.
Quatro asked her if she had left the park. I couldn’t make out what her response but I was starting to guess who the person on the other line was.
After he ended his call he looked towards me. Quatro told me that his mother was supposed to be at the park because she, along with other members of his family, watched the first half of the show at the same park we were headed. He said he wasn’t sure if she would still be there but that if she was, he wanted me to meet her.
Mother!
I wasn’t ready to meet his mother!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
So what does he do?
“Don't overlook an orchid while searching for a rose”- Unknown author
1. Meet a guy.
2. Exchange information.
3. Have a conversation.
4. Call your girls to discuss his application.
Guys don’t know it but they have an application process they must pass to be deemed datable. (Not necessarily the application I posted here but something pretty similar.) I can only speak from the perspective of a college educated woman, but no matter our age, it seems my circle of friends asks the same types of questions. This weekend a friend of mine proved my point (a point she didn’t know I was making,) when talking to another girlfriend about a guy she was seeing.
Some of these questions on this 20 plus application we ask, consider or jokingly inquire about when we talk about a guy we are seeing. Some of the questions on this application, we would never actually ask but would listen if answers were offered. Interestingly enough, none of the questions on this application require him explaining his dating history, how he treats his friends and family or what kind of future he sees with our friend. Instead, we infer the answer to those questions and so many more with this question: So what does he do?
If the answer is, well he just finished his Master’s and is working on his PhD in neurobiology , we automatically give him the green light and he moves on. If she says he is a Long shore-man who just secured a 1 year contract with benefits, he does not pass go and we send our friend to jail. Just the thought of our girl dating a guy who works with his hands makes us shy away from a possibly caring, compassionate, loving man. As women, we expect the man to be the provider and we can’t imagine a man who works with his hands being able to offer the future we desire.
As little girls we imagine growing up, meeting our prince charming, having an extravagant wedding, buying a house with a white-picket fence, raising two loving children with a dog in the backyard. Our dream doesn’t include a man who has to shower as soon a she gets home to remove the stench of fresh fish from his clothing while being cooped up in a small apartment and hoping our birth control doesn’t fail us because we are not ready for kids. We see the guy who works behind a desk in a corporate office as the key to completing our ideal picture. I’m not sure what time during our adolescence the white-collar guy became the destination on the road from dating to marriage, while the blue-collar guy is the fun detour for upwardly mobile women. It’s a fact that women outnumber men on college campuses, the work force and are now landing well-paid jobs once reserved for men. Statistically there is no way we will all be able to achieve this “dream.” Why is it that we don’t consider the alternative?
Why haven’t I?
I started to take a look at my own “requirements” for men, after a guy I had dated last year found my number in his phone and decided to give me a call. Shaggy was 6 ‘9, had smooth caramel skin and a great white smile to match. There is something about a great smile that just gets me. We talked on the phone consistently for a couple of weeks but never actually went out. I remember I enjoyed talking to him mainly because he kept me laughing during our conversations. Talking to him was something I looked forward to at the end of the day. I think the moment he told me he worked in a factory and had dropped out of college during his second year, my interest in him vanished. At some point we lost contact and I never thought twice about him since.
For me, my requirements were simple and if a guy didn’t have a college degree, I wouldn’t give him the time of day. I now realize why that has gotten me very far. The more different kinds of guys I allow myself to get involved with, the more likely I will find someone I have great chemistry with.
I recognize that dating someone from different educational level or career path will have its challenges. I had a girlfriend tell me that she sometimes felt like she had to dumb down her conversations. Another one told me he was uncomfortable with her professional and social network or sometimes when she wanted to discuss certain topics, he wasn’t well read on the subject and they couldn’t have a stimulating conversation.
On the other hand, dating a guy who has educational achievements doesn’t mean we will have great chemistry. I have dated numerous men who were great on paper, but who bored me to death because all they wanted to talk about was their accomplishments.
I think more and more women need to realize compatibility may have absolutely nothing to do with what a guy does for a living? The measure of a man (or woman for that point) should not be determined by their profession.
With all that said, I have decided to give Shaggy a chance; more so I’m giving myself a chance. Some things will always remain important for me besides his choice in career, like our chemistry and also our work ethic, family values, and shared experiences.
And isn’t that what makes a couple compatible?
1. Meet a guy.
2. Exchange information.
3. Have a conversation.
4. Call your girls to discuss his application.
Guys don’t know it but they have an application process they must pass to be deemed datable. (Not necessarily the application I posted here but something pretty similar.) I can only speak from the perspective of a college educated woman, but no matter our age, it seems my circle of friends asks the same types of questions. This weekend a friend of mine proved my point (a point she didn’t know I was making,) when talking to another girlfriend about a guy she was seeing.
Some of these questions on this 20 plus application we ask, consider or jokingly inquire about when we talk about a guy we are seeing. Some of the questions on this application, we would never actually ask but would listen if answers were offered. Interestingly enough, none of the questions on this application require him explaining his dating history, how he treats his friends and family or what kind of future he sees with our friend. Instead, we infer the answer to those questions and so many more with this question: So what does he do?
If the answer is, well he just finished his Master’s and is working on his PhD in neurobiology , we automatically give him the green light and he moves on. If she says he is a Long shore-man who just secured a 1 year contract with benefits, he does not pass go and we send our friend to jail. Just the thought of our girl dating a guy who works with his hands makes us shy away from a possibly caring, compassionate, loving man. As women, we expect the man to be the provider and we can’t imagine a man who works with his hands being able to offer the future we desire.
As little girls we imagine growing up, meeting our prince charming, having an extravagant wedding, buying a house with a white-picket fence, raising two loving children with a dog in the backyard. Our dream doesn’t include a man who has to shower as soon a she gets home to remove the stench of fresh fish from his clothing while being cooped up in a small apartment and hoping our birth control doesn’t fail us because we are not ready for kids. We see the guy who works behind a desk in a corporate office as the key to completing our ideal picture. I’m not sure what time during our adolescence the white-collar guy became the destination on the road from dating to marriage, while the blue-collar guy is the fun detour for upwardly mobile women. It’s a fact that women outnumber men on college campuses, the work force and are now landing well-paid jobs once reserved for men. Statistically there is no way we will all be able to achieve this “dream.” Why is it that we don’t consider the alternative?
Why haven’t I?
I started to take a look at my own “requirements” for men, after a guy I had dated last year found my number in his phone and decided to give me a call. Shaggy was 6 ‘9, had smooth caramel skin and a great white smile to match. There is something about a great smile that just gets me. We talked on the phone consistently for a couple of weeks but never actually went out. I remember I enjoyed talking to him mainly because he kept me laughing during our conversations. Talking to him was something I looked forward to at the end of the day. I think the moment he told me he worked in a factory and had dropped out of college during his second year, my interest in him vanished. At some point we lost contact and I never thought twice about him since.
For me, my requirements were simple and if a guy didn’t have a college degree, I wouldn’t give him the time of day. I now realize why that has gotten me very far. The more different kinds of guys I allow myself to get involved with, the more likely I will find someone I have great chemistry with.
I recognize that dating someone from different educational level or career path will have its challenges. I had a girlfriend tell me that she sometimes felt like she had to dumb down her conversations. Another one told me he was uncomfortable with her professional and social network or sometimes when she wanted to discuss certain topics, he wasn’t well read on the subject and they couldn’t have a stimulating conversation.
On the other hand, dating a guy who has educational achievements doesn’t mean we will have great chemistry. I have dated numerous men who were great on paper, but who bored me to death because all they wanted to talk about was their accomplishments.
I think more and more women need to realize compatibility may have absolutely nothing to do with what a guy does for a living? The measure of a man (or woman for that point) should not be determined by their profession.
With all that said, I have decided to give Shaggy a chance; more so I’m giving myself a chance. Some things will always remain important for me besides his choice in career, like our chemistry and also our work ethic, family values, and shared experiences.
And isn’t that what makes a couple compatible?
Monday, March 9, 2009
APPLICATION TO DATE/MARRY MY [FRIEND]
This application was written by Savi Pearl formally known as Ms. Crabby Cancer after a large group of us found out (through Facebook) that one of our dear friends was engaged to be married. Because we did not know the soon to be Mr., we all had questions. Questions Savi Pearl was able to vocalize on paper.
Here is her note in it's entirety:
Some of the content has been changed to protect the identity of the writer and to serve a broader population.
Name:__________________________________________________________
Birthday:_____________________________________________ (If born [10 years before she was born,] just go ahead and stop right here Pops, unless you have a credit score of over 800 for all three credit reporting agencies)
SSN:___________-___________-_________________
Questions
1) What is your highest level of education?_____________________________
(If below a Bachelors Degree, please STOP, unless you have a credit score of over 800 for all three credit reporting agencies)
2) What is your current occupation?_______________________________
(Please note, you will need to submit two paystubs to verify full time or part time employment. All paid amounts must include a comma in their total)
3)What is your credit score?
a. Transunion____________
b. Experian____________
c. Equifax_______________
(Please note, anything less than an 800 is subject to further review. If you have ABOVE an 800, skip down to the bottom! You are PRE-APPROVED! All we need to do is make sure that you can match your clothes correctly and speak using proper English. Also, please list the names of 20 of your single friends who have the same credit score as you…there are people waiting to meet them).
4) Are you associated with any Greek organizations? If so, which one?__________________________________
5) In your opinion, who is prettier?
a. Jessica Alba
b. Tyra Banks
c. Taye Diggs
(If you responded (a) or (b) to this question, SLAP YOURSELF IN THE MOUTH! The correct answer is [Insert Any One of My [[Girl’s] Names]. If you responded (c), you might not like any of my [girls] for that matter, because we all have ovaries).
6) Whose comeback album are you anticipating more?
a. Wu Tang Clan
b. Jodeci
c. Fugees
(If you responded (a), you might be a little too thuggish to kick it with my [girl.] If you responded (b), you might have a little too much freak in you to kick it with my girl, but then again, I know some who wouldn’t mind…If you responded (c), you just might make it, but don’t get your hopes up).
7) When you see the word “karat”, you automatically think
a. Someone misspelled the vegetable name
b. Bugs Bunny
c. I’m hungry
(If you chose any of these, just stop filling out the application…seriously)
8) Some essential items to have for a romantic date are
a. Sand, the sound of waves hitting the shore, starlight, moonlight
b. A happy meal box, a toy that won’t choke children under the age of three, a coupon
c. Whatever currency is in my [Friend’s] purse
(If you chose (a), it may work, but anytime I smell sand, I have a sudden urge to start reciting…If you chose (b) or (c)…get out)
9) Please write the make, model and year of your current mode of transportation
________________________________________________________________
(If the answer to this question is Los Angeles MTA 2008…you already know what I am going to say)
10) Do you have any collections listed on your credit report? Yes No
(If you chose yes, please stop filling out this application and set up a payment plan. Call us back when you get yo’ ‘ish together. If you owe someone else, you might end up owing me too, and we cannot have that. I’ll cut ya!)
11) Are you close with your mother? Yes No
12) Are you so close to your mother that her room is down the hallway from yours because you still live with her? Yes No
(If you answered yes to this question and you are a grown ass man, get a UHaul in 30 days and get on…and please don’t try to flip it and say that you are taking care of her, because we have all heard that one before. She’s waiting for you to leave).
13) Do you have any kids? Yes No
(If you do have children, please make sure that they are well behaved, and even then, your acceptance is on a case by case basis. Each [girlfriend] has a personal preference that they must exercise)
14) Can you read…….Tolstoy’s War and Peace and identify the main idea and universal theme of the text as related to two other Russian novelists from his era? Yes No
(I just had to be OWT on the fourteenth question, for da club and the major!)
15) Can you define the term 401(k)? Yes No
a. If you can define the term, do you have one? Yes No
b. If you have one, how much is in it?_________________________
16) Are you a midget/vertically challenged person? Yes No
(If you are a midget, please note that you are limited to ace clubs only, and even then you may not have a chance)
17) Have you ever, or will you ever, have a grill on your teeth, but no gas in your car? Yes No
18) Are you funny? Yes No
a. If you are funny, are you sure people are laughing with you and not at you? Yes No
19) Do you brush down your baby hair? Yes No
(If you respond yes to this question, the 24 Hour fitness on Slauson is hiring…please refer to 24 NO NO’S Note)
20) Do you know the significance of this year for [African American as a people]? Yes No
(If you marked No, you fail! Please reapply in 2108)
AND THE OH SO IMPORTANT QUESTION 21
21) Do you enjoy the show "America's Most Wanted"? Yes No
(If you respond yes to this question, is the reason you like the program because you are often the star of the show? If no, you're ok. If yes...ummm...we are no longer accepting applications for this position. Please reapply in sixth months with a drug test, a parole officer and a note from your local church saying that they trust you with the collection plate.)
Of course, gentlemen, each application is subject to approval of my [friends], so you may get by on a pass...but probably not...
SiSi's Note: I wonder how many men could actually fill this application out completely. It's funny because a lot of the response she got from this application was from men asking if we could answer the same questions. Which is actually a good question to consider when using this application.
Here is her note in it's entirety:
Some of the content has been changed to protect the identity of the writer and to serve a broader population.
Upon my discovery of the news, I engaged (no pun intended) in several conversations with my [friends]. We all agreed that this lucky man, upon our introduction to him, will be scrutinized to ridicule and interrogation. I then began to wonder, “How, in our hectic lives, can my [girls] and I keep in contact to ensure that the respective man that any of us are involved with is the correct one?” The result is this application. Please understand that I only want my [girls] to be with the best man for them, thus, the application process is highly selective, and several applicants may not get past question three. But hey, if you want to get with my [girls,] you need to be top quality, so try to do better. Please read on (there are twenty questions,) leave comments and suggestions if you like, but understand…this application comes from a place of love.
Name:__________________________________________________________
Birthday:_____________________________________________ (If born [10 years before she was born,] just go ahead and stop right here Pops, unless you have a credit score of over 800 for all three credit reporting agencies)
SSN:___________-___________-_________________
Questions
1) What is your highest level of education?_____________________________
(If below a Bachelors Degree, please STOP, unless you have a credit score of over 800 for all three credit reporting agencies)
2) What is your current occupation?_______________________________
(Please note, you will need to submit two paystubs to verify full time or part time employment. All paid amounts must include a comma in their total)
3)What is your credit score?
a. Transunion____________
b. Experian____________
c. Equifax_______________
(Please note, anything less than an 800 is subject to further review. If you have ABOVE an 800, skip down to the bottom! You are PRE-APPROVED! All we need to do is make sure that you can match your clothes correctly and speak using proper English. Also, please list the names of 20 of your single friends who have the same credit score as you…there are people waiting to meet them).
4) Are you associated with any Greek organizations? If so, which one?__________________________________
5) In your opinion, who is prettier?
a. Jessica Alba
b. Tyra Banks
c. Taye Diggs
(If you responded (a) or (b) to this question, SLAP YOURSELF IN THE MOUTH! The correct answer is [Insert Any One of My [[Girl’s] Names]. If you responded (c), you might not like any of my [girls] for that matter, because we all have ovaries).
6) Whose comeback album are you anticipating more?
a. Wu Tang Clan
b. Jodeci
c. Fugees
(If you responded (a), you might be a little too thuggish to kick it with my [girl.] If you responded (b), you might have a little too much freak in you to kick it with my girl, but then again, I know some who wouldn’t mind…If you responded (c), you just might make it, but don’t get your hopes up).
7) When you see the word “karat”, you automatically think
a. Someone misspelled the vegetable name
b. Bugs Bunny
c. I’m hungry
(If you chose any of these, just stop filling out the application…seriously)
8) Some essential items to have for a romantic date are
a. Sand, the sound of waves hitting the shore, starlight, moonlight
b. A happy meal box, a toy that won’t choke children under the age of three, a coupon
c. Whatever currency is in my [Friend’s] purse
(If you chose (a), it may work, but anytime I smell sand, I have a sudden urge to start reciting…If you chose (b) or (c)…get out)
9) Please write the make, model and year of your current mode of transportation
________________________________________________________________
(If the answer to this question is Los Angeles MTA 2008…you already know what I am going to say)
10) Do you have any collections listed on your credit report? Yes No
(If you chose yes, please stop filling out this application and set up a payment plan. Call us back when you get yo’ ‘ish together. If you owe someone else, you might end up owing me too, and we cannot have that. I’ll cut ya!)
11) Are you close with your mother? Yes No
12) Are you so close to your mother that her room is down the hallway from yours because you still live with her? Yes No
(If you answered yes to this question and you are a grown ass man, get a UHaul in 30 days and get on…and please don’t try to flip it and say that you are taking care of her, because we have all heard that one before. She’s waiting for you to leave).
13) Do you have any kids? Yes No
(If you do have children, please make sure that they are well behaved, and even then, your acceptance is on a case by case basis. Each [girlfriend] has a personal preference that they must exercise)
14) Can you read…….Tolstoy’s War and Peace and identify the main idea and universal theme of the text as related to two other Russian novelists from his era? Yes No
(I just had to be OWT on the fourteenth question, for da club and the major!)
15) Can you define the term 401(k)? Yes No
a. If you can define the term, do you have one? Yes No
b. If you have one, how much is in it?_________________________
16) Are you a midget/vertically challenged person? Yes No
(If you are a midget, please note that you are limited to ace clubs only, and even then you may not have a chance)
17) Have you ever, or will you ever, have a grill on your teeth, but no gas in your car? Yes No
18) Are you funny? Yes No
a. If you are funny, are you sure people are laughing with you and not at you? Yes No
19) Do you brush down your baby hair? Yes No
(If you respond yes to this question, the 24 Hour fitness on Slauson is hiring…please refer to 24 NO NO’S Note)
20) Do you know the significance of this year for [African American as a people]? Yes No
(If you marked No, you fail! Please reapply in 2108)
AND THE OH SO IMPORTANT QUESTION 21
21) Do you enjoy the show "America's Most Wanted"? Yes No
(If you respond yes to this question, is the reason you like the program because you are often the star of the show? If no, you're ok. If yes...ummm...we are no longer accepting applications for this position. Please reapply in sixth months with a drug test, a parole officer and a note from your local church saying that they trust you with the collection plate.)
Of course, gentlemen, each application is subject to approval of my [friends], so you may get by on a pass...but probably not...
SiSi's Note: I wonder how many men could actually fill this application out completely. It's funny because a lot of the response she got from this application was from men asking if we could answer the same questions. Which is actually a good question to consider when using this application.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Representative
Which way do you prefer to meet a man? All dolled up or in a unmatching pair of baggy sweats?
We as women try so hard to impress men that there is a period in between meeting our representative and the introduction of our true selves. This of course can apply to both physical and emotional transformations. We have so much baggage, some that we aren’t even aware of, that our unsuspecting victims won't find out for months. For this post, I am focusing mainly on our physical transformation between first meeting and a sustainable relationship.
Women pluck and tuck our entire body like there is no tomorrow in the beginning stages of a courtship/relationship religiously. Until the time comes when we know we have officially snagged them, i.e. earn a title or on that path, then the real us comes out. Some women think its acceptable to go to a man’s house in sweats because hey, that’s the real us right. We pull of our Spanx, take off our make-up and wonder bras, pull out the weave, grow out the perm and want our men to love us for who we really are; a little below average. The representative we use to send out is on break.
If they truly love us, they will love us regardless, right? Now when we see them, if there is not a special event, we let it all hang out. Our bulges and/or dimples pop out of our spandex, skin blemishes shine bright (seeing as we have on no foundation or any make-up,) small chest (since we removed the padded bra) and nappy head (because we are in between an old do and new perm) comes along as well. Is there something wrong with this change?
Men have a habit of doing the same thing. They send their representative, Mr. Right to your front door with a box of Godiva chocolate and 24 long-stem red roses. This first date is followed by a couple months of being wined and dined. This does not necessarily only mean spending loads of hard earned cash on extravagant dates. I am merely talking about taking me out for lunch, movie or a ball game frequently. The time we spend alone, getting to know each other and creating memories.
At some point you thought you had this great, considerate man who walked to your front door and knocked when he arrived, opened all the doors that followed your time together, pulled out all your chairs and let you order first. You would brag to all your friends about how nice he is and how much of gentlemen you have.
Now when ya’ll go out, he honks to let you know he is outside or better yet sends you a text saying ‘come outside’, he looks at you when the bill comes (you do work as well don’t you,) or slows down when you get to a door because hey, you’ve got two hands don’t you, open your own door.
I've noticed this phenom more lately with Mr. AOS. When we get together, it's to hang. Not to go out. He calls when he wants to see me, not to see how my day was going. This is not the first guy this has happened with, but I am determined to make it the last.
Most of these changes are inevitable. In relationships we are going to become complacent about some of the things that won our mates over. The problem for me comes when too many things change, and I don’t find the person that I am left with desirable. When I find myself looking for a new “Representative,” it’s time for me to move on. It's looking like for Mr. AOS that time has already come. I'm not closing the door on him, but I have continued to recognize I have many other options. Unfortunately, because I am so comfortable with him, it's hard to completely cut him off without giving him a fair warning, again.
How do you think you’ve changed during a relationship? Do you think you have changed? Is this just a normal and natural change in dating that we should get over?
Aaronvina: As long as you keep your man fed, they don't care what you look like.
We as women try so hard to impress men that there is a period in between meeting our representative and the introduction of our true selves. This of course can apply to both physical and emotional transformations. We have so much baggage, some that we aren’t even aware of, that our unsuspecting victims won't find out for months. For this post, I am focusing mainly on our physical transformation between first meeting and a sustainable relationship.
Women pluck and tuck our entire body like there is no tomorrow in the beginning stages of a courtship/relationship religiously. Until the time comes when we know we have officially snagged them, i.e. earn a title or on that path, then the real us comes out. Some women think its acceptable to go to a man’s house in sweats because hey, that’s the real us right. We pull of our Spanx, take off our make-up and wonder bras, pull out the weave, grow out the perm and want our men to love us for who we really are; a little below average. The representative we use to send out is on break.
If they truly love us, they will love us regardless, right? Now when we see them, if there is not a special event, we let it all hang out. Our bulges and/or dimples pop out of our spandex, skin blemishes shine bright (seeing as we have on no foundation or any make-up,) small chest (since we removed the padded bra) and nappy head (because we are in between an old do and new perm) comes along as well. Is there something wrong with this change?
Men have a habit of doing the same thing. They send their representative, Mr. Right to your front door with a box of Godiva chocolate and 24 long-stem red roses. This first date is followed by a couple months of being wined and dined. This does not necessarily only mean spending loads of hard earned cash on extravagant dates. I am merely talking about taking me out for lunch, movie or a ball game frequently. The time we spend alone, getting to know each other and creating memories.
At some point you thought you had this great, considerate man who walked to your front door and knocked when he arrived, opened all the doors that followed your time together, pulled out all your chairs and let you order first. You would brag to all your friends about how nice he is and how much of gentlemen you have.
Now when ya’ll go out, he honks to let you know he is outside or better yet sends you a text saying ‘come outside’, he looks at you when the bill comes (you do work as well don’t you,) or slows down when you get to a door because hey, you’ve got two hands don’t you, open your own door.
I've noticed this phenom more lately with Mr. AOS. When we get together, it's to hang. Not to go out. He calls when he wants to see me, not to see how my day was going. This is not the first guy this has happened with, but I am determined to make it the last.
Most of these changes are inevitable. In relationships we are going to become complacent about some of the things that won our mates over. The problem for me comes when too many things change, and I don’t find the person that I am left with desirable. When I find myself looking for a new “Representative,” it’s time for me to move on. It's looking like for Mr. AOS that time has already come. I'm not closing the door on him, but I have continued to recognize I have many other options. Unfortunately, because I am so comfortable with him, it's hard to completely cut him off without giving him a fair warning, again.
How do you think you’ve changed during a relationship? Do you think you have changed? Is this just a normal and natural change in dating that we should get over?
Aaronvina: As long as you keep your man fed, they don't care what you look like.
March Recap
While looking through my phone call log, I realized how hard it is to keep up with the potential suitors I interact with. I thought it would be a good idea to do a monthly recap to keep them all in order. It seems when I least expect it my list goes back up but I am sure it will not stay at this level for much longer.
Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Chicago – He is still there, thousands of miles away and I am here in Sunny California. May go out to see him next month.
2. Mr. IE – Moved into the friend zone. We flirt and play catch up a couple of times a week.
3. K2 – Lacks the proper backbone required to date me. I thought flying me around the world would be an ideal proposition. But his execution is not making jet-setting with him appealing. Not practical for casual dating.
4. Mr. AOS – Cooked dinner for me Sunday, but I never made it out to see him. I was more interested in going to sleep. I had a long, scary Saturday evening.
5. Detroit – went to his basketball game Monday night. We’re still good friends. Don’t plan on going backwards.
6. Shaggy – Still in the ‘I’m not talking about him stage.’ Once I find substantive information, I’ll introduce him.
7. Hazel - Still in the 'I'm not talking about him stage.' Again, once I find something about him to share, I will.
0. Si Si (That's me) – Exhausted trying to keep up.
Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Chicago – He is still there, thousands of miles away and I am here in Sunny California. May go out to see him next month.
2. Mr. IE – Moved into the friend zone. We flirt and play catch up a couple of times a week.
3. K2 – Lacks the proper backbone required to date me. I thought flying me around the world would be an ideal proposition. But his execution is not making jet-setting with him appealing. Not practical for casual dating.
4. Mr. AOS – Cooked dinner for me Sunday, but I never made it out to see him. I was more interested in going to sleep. I had a long, scary Saturday evening.
5. Detroit – went to his basketball game Monday night. We’re still good friends. Don’t plan on going backwards.
6. Shaggy – Still in the ‘I’m not talking about him stage.’ Once I find substantive information, I’ll introduce him.
7. Hazel - Still in the 'I'm not talking about him stage.' Again, once I find something about him to share, I will.
0. Si Si (That's me) – Exhausted trying to keep up.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Isn't your name...
This past weekend I was out an after party for the State of the Black Union. Although I was all partied out from the weeks prior, I decided not to spend another Saturday night at home.
The venue was a relatively nice layout. There was one room with a bar and dance floor and the other room had 2 bars and couches all around. I saw this guy eyeing me when I walked into the room with the dance floor. Whether I moved from the dance floor, the bar or rest room, his eyes was locked to me. The venue was dimly lit so I could not see what he looked like, but I could tell he was watching me. After the first hour of his continued gaze, also known as staring, I got a bit annoyed. For me, if you see something you like, go for it. I didn’t see anything I liked, so I kept dancing with my girls.
Another hour passed and my girls and I were still tearing up the floor. The party felt like my junior high dance. Most of the girls were on the dance floor dancing with each other. Most the men were positioned around the floor watching. A few couples were spread in between.
I spotted the guy again, this time he was talking to one of my girls. After she was done with him, she came over to me.
He says he remembers you from Facebook. He asked me if your name was SiSi.
I was not the least bit flattered. Should I have been? Then suddenly something about him remembering who I was from Facebook made me uncomfortable. I glanced over at him when I figured he was looking away to check if maybe I would recognize him. I didn’t know this guy. I grabbed my girl and quickly exited the dance floor towards the lounge are. How did he know my name?
As I was standing near the entrance of the entrance, I saw the guy walk in from the corner of my eye. I pretended to be deep into conversation, in hopes that he would lose the courage he had built up and turn away. Unfortunately, luck was not on my side that night. He interrupted our conversation. My friend walked away and left us alone. The first thing he asked was if I remembered him. I looked him dead in his eye and told him, no!
I didn’t recognize this man from anywhere. At some point in our short conversation he made one of the following statements that made me want to run straight out of the room.
1. I remember you had a yellow dress in your main picture that caught my eye. (This was in response to me asking him how he knew me from facebook)
2. It was rude of you not to reply to any of my messages on facebook. I hit you up a couple of times and you ignored me. (What the heck?!?!)
3. Do you still have a boyfriend? (Boyfriend?? I haven’t had a boyfriend in years. I obviously was not interested when you hit me up the first time, so I lied about being in a relationship)
4. You don’t have any kids; (insert his laughter) I would have seen them on your page. (This was in response to me saying I had 5 kids. I was trying to say something to get him to go away)
5. I am a very corny man who knows where you live. (Now this one he didn’t actually say but I feel it was implied during our conversation.)
Needless to say, I will not be going out with this gentleman. I also have a renewed interest in staying indoors on Saturday evenings.
Note: This story is one of the main reasons I stopped adding strangers on my Facebook page and why I decided to delete my MySpace account. Scary!
Have you ever meet someone who remembered you from Facebook or MySpace? Were you as shaken as I was when they could give you details about your page?
The venue was a relatively nice layout. There was one room with a bar and dance floor and the other room had 2 bars and couches all around. I saw this guy eyeing me when I walked into the room with the dance floor. Whether I moved from the dance floor, the bar or rest room, his eyes was locked to me. The venue was dimly lit so I could not see what he looked like, but I could tell he was watching me. After the first hour of his continued gaze, also known as staring, I got a bit annoyed. For me, if you see something you like, go for it. I didn’t see anything I liked, so I kept dancing with my girls.
Another hour passed and my girls and I were still tearing up the floor. The party felt like my junior high dance. Most of the girls were on the dance floor dancing with each other. Most the men were positioned around the floor watching. A few couples were spread in between.
I spotted the guy again, this time he was talking to one of my girls. After she was done with him, she came over to me.
He says he remembers you from Facebook. He asked me if your name was SiSi.
I was not the least bit flattered. Should I have been? Then suddenly something about him remembering who I was from Facebook made me uncomfortable. I glanced over at him when I figured he was looking away to check if maybe I would recognize him. I didn’t know this guy. I grabbed my girl and quickly exited the dance floor towards the lounge are. How did he know my name?
As I was standing near the entrance of the entrance, I saw the guy walk in from the corner of my eye. I pretended to be deep into conversation, in hopes that he would lose the courage he had built up and turn away. Unfortunately, luck was not on my side that night. He interrupted our conversation. My friend walked away and left us alone. The first thing he asked was if I remembered him. I looked him dead in his eye and told him, no!
I didn’t recognize this man from anywhere. At some point in our short conversation he made one of the following statements that made me want to run straight out of the room.
1. I remember you had a yellow dress in your main picture that caught my eye. (This was in response to me asking him how he knew me from facebook)
2. It was rude of you not to reply to any of my messages on facebook. I hit you up a couple of times and you ignored me. (What the heck?!?!)
3. Do you still have a boyfriend? (Boyfriend?? I haven’t had a boyfriend in years. I obviously was not interested when you hit me up the first time, so I lied about being in a relationship)
4. You don’t have any kids; (insert his laughter) I would have seen them on your page. (This was in response to me saying I had 5 kids. I was trying to say something to get him to go away)
5. I am a very corny man who knows where you live. (Now this one he didn’t actually say but I feel it was implied during our conversation.)
Needless to say, I will not be going out with this gentleman. I also have a renewed interest in staying indoors on Saturday evenings.
Note: This story is one of the main reasons I stopped adding strangers on my Facebook page and why I decided to delete my MySpace account. Scary!
Have you ever meet someone who remembered you from Facebook or MySpace? Were you as shaken as I was when they could give you details about your page?
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