Happy 100: Love Live Laugh

Happy 100

I am 100 posts older and wiser. Over these past several months, I have learned more about myself through writing about my experiences than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned just how much I have changed as a person and how I cannot back peddle with people who are not willing to do the same.

I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about the men who last the longest when it comes to dating me. Unfortunately what I now recognize is that I am not keeping those men who are ready for the kind of relationship I want around. After 100 posts, 1 thing is for certain, I am not the same. I can no longer wait for other people to figure out what they want, when I know for sure what I want and deserve. That brings me to Chicago.

This weekend, I decided that enough was enough. I have never been good at casual dating and I don’t make any apologies for it. When I like someone, I don’t like spending my time getting to know other people. I knew that I could see myself really getting to know Chicago, regrettably he still wasn’t sure and remained guarded. He wanted to continue our phone conversations without initiating plans to see one another soon. I could no longer wait for him to figure out what he wanted from me. The inconsistent calling and unanswered questions just became too much to handle. I told him we’d be better off as friends and if he figured out what he wanted, he was more than welcome to give me a call.

I know this scenario all too well, seeing as I’m usually the one that is guarded. And I know that nothing but time and patience can combat that feeling. Too bad I don’t have either right now.

LB is also one of those casualties. I don't see any future with him so I might as well not continue to waste his time.

New June Recap

1. Me...SiSi.

I am now only seeing the person that matters most besides my sister and that is me. I spent a lot of time this past week and weekend getting to know what I like and what makes me happy. I was able to explore interests that I’ve always had but never experienced because I wasn’t making myself number 1. I compiled a list of things I want to learn, places I want to visit and things I want to experience by the end of the year and I got a headstart already.

As usual, I am open to meeting new men but only when they show themselves equally ready.

LOVE LIVE LAUGH

SiSi

P.S. I am sure that even though I won't be dating, I will still have plenty of stories to write about so stay tuned.

Friday Rant: A Tribute to A Legend

We lost a legend yesterday. Michael Jackson is and will always be the King Of Pop. I am doing my best to stay away from the negative remarks of the media who did not let a minute pass before they began their attack. Today, celebrate his life with his music as you mourn the loss.

Til next week,

SiSi

Read This: Why Marriage Is For White People

Installment IV

I truly hope that I never become this pessimistic about marriage and its importance in my life. I can't see my life without it. Aside from all of my professional accomplishments, having a family I can care for will always rank high on my list of goals. I couldn't imagine removing a marriage and a husband from that equation.

Check out the article, 'Marriage is for White People,' by Joy Jones, a Washington writer, the author of "Between Black Women: Listening With the Third Ear."

For years, I wondered why not. And then some 12-year-olds enlightened me.

"Marriage is for white people."

That's what one of my students told me some years back when I taught a career exploration class for sixth-graders at an elementary school in Southeast Washington. I was pleasantly surprised when the boys in the class stated that being a good father was a very important goal to them, more meaningful than making money or having a fancy title.

"That's wonderful!" I told my class. "I think I'll invite some couples in to talk about being married and rearing children."

"Oh, no," objected one student. "We're not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers."

And that's when the other boy chimed in, speaking as if the words left a nasty taste in his mouth: "Marriage is for white people."

.........

How have we gotten here? What has shifted in African American customs, in our community, in our consciousness, that has made marriage seem unnecessary or unattainable?

.........

Among African Americans, the desire for marriage seems to have a different trajectory for women and men. My observation is that black women in their twenties and early thirties want to marry and commit at a time when black men their age are more likely to enjoy playing the field. As the woman realizes that a good marriage may not be as possible or sustainable as she would like, her focus turns to having a baby, or possibly improving her job status, perhaps by returning to school or investing more energy in her career.

.........

Most single black women over the age of 30 whom I know would not mind getting married, but acknowledge that the kind of man and the quality of marriage they would like to have may not be likely, and they are not desperate enough to simply accept any situation just to have a man. A number of my married friends complain that taking care of their husbands feels like having an additional child to raise. Then there's the fact that marriage apparently can be hazardous to the health of black women. A recent study by the Institute for American Values, a nonpartisan think tank in New York City, indicates that married African American women are less healthy than their single sisters.

By design or by default, black women cultivate those skills that allow them to maintain themselves (or sometimes even to prosper) without a mate.

"If Jesus Christ bought me an engagement ring, I wouldn't take it," a separated thirty-something friend told me. "I'd tell Jesus we could date, but we couldn't marry."

................

A black male acquaintance had a different prediction. "I don't believe marriage is going to be extinct, but I think you'll see fewer people married," he said. "It's a bad thing. I believe it takes the traditional family -- a man and a woman -- to raise kids." He has worked with troubled adolescents, and has observed that "the girls who are in the most trouble and who are abused the most -- the father is absent. And the same is true for the boys, too." He believes that his presence and example in the home is why both his sons decided to marry when their girlfriends became pregnant.

But human nature being what it is, if marriage is to flourish -- in black or white America -- it will have to offer an individual woman something more than a business alliance, a panacea for what ails the community, or an incubator for rearing children. As one woman said, "If it weren't for the intangibles, the allure of the lovey-dovey stuff, I wouldn't have gotten married. The benefits of marriage are his character and his caring. If not for that, why bother?"

Click here for the full article

Read This: Why We Shouldn't Worry About Getting Married

Installment III

Check out Danielle Belton's response, writer of The Black Snob, to Monday's article:

I've been reticent to write yet another relationship column, but a reader recently posed me this observation in at letter after The Root published a second article about black women and dating and the Obama marriage:

It seems as if every single time these articles come out, they report the same tired statistics (44% of black women are unmarried, there are very few "eligible" black men available to date, etc.) and give the same advice (from black men: lower your standards to get a man; from black women: date outside the race and don't wait for a black man).

Perhaps the articles (in Essence, online, everywhere I look) aren't trying to suggest that I should lower my standards to attract a man, but they usually come across that way. No other racial or ethnic group is told to be "less picky" as bluntly nor as often. So now, I'm wondering whether some people feel as if black women are supposed to settle for whoever wants us, have lower standards, etc., in part because of the "attractiveness pyramid" that places Asian women on top, white women below, Latina women below that, and black women dead last. Shelby's comment on the last discussion of the politics of interracial dating on your blog, about realizing that she was being systematically devalued each day, struck a chord with me. I've definitely heard the same from other women--the questioning your attractiveness and value, and the way that it chips away at your self-worth.

I'm also wondering about the impact of the articles on others. Will men of all shades assume that we're so desperate to find love that we'll accept anything? Will/do people in general blame us for our "failings" (i.e., the inability to get married)?

This letter resonated with me particularly because it points out the maddening factor in almost all of these articles -- that black women are the problem. Not that the issue is complex. Not that there are multiple factors at play. Not that it's simply hard for anyone of any race to find a mate, but that something is fundamentally wrong with black women for doing what most people do -- seek a quality mate.

What is ever more maddening is that for every article about lowering standards there are complaints that black women have no standards. That we lie down with anyone and want hard, thuggish men who are no good. Which one is it people? Are we uppity black American princesses who won't settle for anything less than an Ivy League baller OR are we low, screw anybody harlots who keep getting knocked up by some dude who's either been on, is headed to or is currently in prison? Because stereotypes are clashing like mad when it comes to people's opinions on this.

But I think that what bothers me the most is that these articles fuel the insane panic that many black women already have naturally over their worth and their desire to find a suitable husband. I think I've been reading about the black marriage panic for most of my young life and I never quite got it. It didn't make sense to me why I should marry a guy I have little to nothing in common in just because I needed to "drop my standards." I tried going with a fellow who picked me once who was well below my standard of who I would normally date and it lead to my nightmare, psychologically abusive starter marriage. Because I didn't listen to my first mind (the one that said this guy is not all there) AND because I'd bought into the hype (He's nice and he likes me! I shouldn't be so picky!), I ended up emotionally devastated and out of more than $10,000 when I barely made $22,000 a year.

Aren't there some larger, broader issues we're forgetting?

And that's when the other boy chimed in, speaking as if the words left a nasty taste in his mouth: "Marriage is for white people." (Washington Post)

While it is true that 41 percent of black women aren't married, 43 percent of black men AREN'T MARRIED EITHER! And the complaint usually isn't that there aren't enough black men. The complaint is that there aren't enough black men on the same level as that tide of college educated black female professionals. Level doesn't necessarily mean money or education, but most men and women marry people who have similar backgrounds and desires to their own. So black women are the ones who are supposed to devalue themselves?

I say, IGNORE THE ARTICLES. IGNORE the marriage panic. Why? Because worrying about it is NOT HELPING. It is not getting you a husband. It is not making you feel good about yourself. This is part of the problem. I gave up worrying about the marriage panic once I realized that I was a good catch. I was a good wife to my horrible husband and I was a good girlfriend to the past guys I dated. I realized that I just needed to keep my eyes open (and my mind alert), so when the next guy comes along I will be the best person I am and not act as if it is the end of the world if I can't get a man to love me.

Yes, you should have an open mind. Yes, you should let your heart guide you, but your head better be close behind. You need to know your worth and you are worth more that whatever bullshit is being sold to you right now. Every woman has worth. Every man has worth. Being open-minded about who you date and who you love doesn't mean being empty-headed.

If you are desperate to find a mate, you just have to do it the same way it's always been done -- network your ass off. Join clubs and organizations. Go to events and things you like. Make lots of friends. Be nice to your co-workers. After all, they might know (or be related to) someone who is perfect for you. Love the person who best loves you based on solid and sound judgment. Never negotiate your heart or your bed out of fear. You have to ignore the stereotypes and negativity about your beauty or your personality. You have to make a quality assessment, a real, informative assessment of yourself, and you can't use the measuring sticks of naysayers and doubters.

Think about what you like, love and don't like about yourself. Focus on working on you. Finding your happiness. Fixing the things about yourself you think you need to improve and learn to love the things about yourself that are intrinsically loveable. Be happy. Be at peace. Don't be desperate or angry or sad. None of this will help you. Those things are symptoms of the Marriage Panic.

And you can't let it win.

As with every post, don't let these bloggers tell you how to feel. Read them and form your own opinion. I'm posting these, as I do my own posts, to encourage intelligent conversation and critical thinking.

Click here for the full article

Read This: Why You May Be The Problem

Installment II

Have you ever thought that you may be the reason your last relationship failed? Or you may be the reason a guy stopped calling? Honestly, I only recently started to take actions into consideration when trying to understand why it didn't work with a guy.

Check out a few excerpts from the article, "He's Not Intimidated, He's Just Doesn't Like You: The Intimidation Doctrine."

I want to address a lie that many of us tell ourselves about why we may be alone at this stage of our lives. And though I focus on my fellow thirtiers, this really goes for all women.

Because the “single” designation is such a source of anxiety as you get older, we oft find the need to justify our status. We have these little reasons that we tell ourselves we’re alone to make us feel better. And its time for it to stop. If I hear one more woman say that men are intimidated by their success and/or independence I’m gonna scream. I call this the Intimidation Doctrine. Other than Iraq having WMD, this is one of the biggest lies of our time.

......

We have to stop making excuses for our failed relationships. Too often these excuses lay all the blame on someone else. As long as we believe that most men are intimidated by strong successful women, we fail to look at ourselves for the reasons we cannot maintain successful relationships. The Intimidation Doctrine keeps us looking outward for fault. It relinquishes us of all responsibility. And I think its holding us back.

.......

We can’t improve ourselves if we keep blaming our failures on others. When you look at your lack of luck in the romance department first look, inward. Listen to the feedback you’ve gotten, those things you ignored because you thought the guy was just jealous of your success and wanted to cut you down because you made him feel insecure. Just maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe he wasn’t intimidated at all. Maybe you are a mean, intolerable arrogant bitch of a woman. It could be that simple.

........

So next time things don’t work out, don’t go to ole reliable “he’s just intimidated by me,” and really examine your role in what went down. You may be surprised, maybe he wasn’t intimidated by you. Maybe he just doesn’t like you.

For the full article click here

Read This: Why Black Women Are Too Picky

This week is gonna be a crazy one for me at work (working on a promotion) and after work (working on me) but I wanted to keep you entertained. Last week I was sent a few articles which I will post here for you to read. Read each with a grain of salt, I always do.

Keep an open mind when reading.

But if black women are going to defy the statistics, they need to start being more realistic. Holding out for the perfect man, someone who is intellectual but not nerdy—cool but not arrogant—impeccably dressed but not effeminate—not a player but with just the right amount of edge—is useless. Smart can go with a little nerdy. Artsy can be accompanied by off-beat. Ambitious and focused may mean less than a social butterfly. Yes, there was that one guy in law school who was easily 6’5’’, a Rhodes Scholar and a rapper, with a baby face to top things off. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but please!.....The point is simple. Given the numeric and historical facts, those of us who do seek to have relationships with black men of similar circumstances might need to open up a little. That doesn’t mean giving up on attraction. Attraction cannot be faked or forced. But we must start to question our assumptions about what our ideal really is. If a guy with a tentative smile and an awkward two-step could still get a dance (before he made the cover of every magazine in the country), more black women might just find a relationship they could believe in.

If you have time, check out the entire article.

Friday Rant

I had a friend, KD send these to me...they are priceless.

1. I had on a short dress and one dude yelled "Tina Turner!"

2. You have really white teeth, they match your eyeballs.

June Recap

Dating still falls low on my list of current priorities. I haven’t made much effort to meet new men. Yes, I still go out during the weekend, but if I give my number out, I hardly return any calls. I’m just not interested in going through the song and dance of meeting new men. I haven’t even spent too much time with the men I already had around.

I don’t want to completely rely on fait and such because if I am not putting in any effort, there is not much that fait can do. I now have this big bed in my room with no one to share it with; which is fine because I am enjoying having all the space to myself at this moment. Life is so going well without the complications of a man. I have managed to keep a couple around.

1. Chicago – After his visit last month, one thing is for certain, I really like him. I enjoy being around him. He is funny, cute, smart and artistic. Chicago is all the things I like in a man. Of course, there is something wrong with him. He is too guarded. I am patiently waiting for him to let his guard down but like I told him, if I don’t see a change, I won’t be sticking around. I know this scenario all too well, seeing as I am usually the one staying guarded. If he doesn’t change, then unfortunately, even though I really like him I’ll move on.

2. LB – LB is the guy I never named. We have hung out a few times and there really isn’t much there. He is handsome and has a cool personality. But something about being around him really bores me. Maybe it’s his lack of ambition and our failure at connecting on a humorous level that has left me uninterested. He has been pretty consistent when it comes to contact, which may be the only thing keeping him around. If that changes, ehhh, I’ll move on.

3. There are no more…

I don’t have any interest in adding any either.

Stay tuned…these droughts don’t usually last too long. Even when I don’t try…

Friday Rant

I get some of the craziest pick up lines/comments/remarks directed towards me so I felt the need to add a bi-monthly post of my encounters. These are all from my night out on Saturday.

1. Aye girl, you really IS tall?!? Dang. Can I holla? (Ummm no, I’m gonna act like I didn’t even hear a word you just said and continue to shop. I honestly thought he was kidding but he was so serious.)

2. I was waiting my turn to come talk to you. I had to build up the courage to say something. (It was kind of sweet but something about it screamed…I have no confidence!)

3. Has anyone ever told you that the arch in your lower back is sexy?!?!?! Me: Ummmmm…(long awkward confused pause.) No, you’re the first. (Now that I think about it, he unfortunately was not the first.)

4. Yummm brown sugar, Can I get your number? (How bout…hell no!)

Happy Friday
-Si Si

Social Experiment (Part 2): The male species and his limits

Part II

Note: Again, if you plan on judging please do not continue reading.

At this point I was planning on moving as far away from NC for the rest of the night so as not to lead him on. But I wanted to see just how far he would go. So I made my way back to NC’s area with my experiment in mind. His voluntary participation was needed for conclusive results.

Hypothesis: A guy with a girlfriend will act an ass if said girl and none of her friends are around.

Dependent Variables: The dependent variables are the variables that are being measured throughout the experiment. The DV here are the different of boundaries he could cross during our interaction in the club including but not limited to inappropriate comments and/or touching and any plans for future contact.

He had already tricked my into giving him my number earlier in the night. If you have a girlfriend, what exactly did you need my number for, oh yeah, to help out a girl you just met in the club with a T.V.

Independent Variables: The independent variables are the variables that are manipulated in the experiment. The IV for this experiment include things related to me such as age, sex, body type, level of education and flirt-ability.

Possible results: Two possible results, a) he could not be interested in anything but being having a platonic conversation with an intelligent woman in a club. B) He is a dog and at some point will overstep his boundaries. This includes any actions that would not be made if his girlfriend or any of her friends were standing next to him.

Design: Flirt a little but still play hard to get.

Data Collection continued….
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Me: I really like what I do right now and it’s the experience more than anything that keeps me there for now.

(My favorite song comes on…I stop after I complete my sentence about my carrer and start dancing.)

NC: You better stop before you get me in trouble.

Me: Don’t worry there is no trouble to get into. (Thought to self: Did he even hear a word I was saying or was he just waiting for me to dance in front of him?)
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Next, I moved on to the, "your friend is more interesting than you," part of my experiment.

His friend had been eying me the entire night as well. So I lent him my ear for 15 minutes when NC was busy talking to someone else. It didn’t take long for NC to notice. I just stood there not giving NC any attention and focused on his friend. I pretended to be completely intrigued by the conversation I was having with his friend until NC interrupted us.

NC: Will you be my girlfriend for the night? He said assertively as he rubbed my back and looked me dead in my eyes. (What was he trying to do, mark his territory?)

Me: (Angry glare of disapproval. Question didn’t even deserve an answer. I instead moved away and continued my conversation with his friend.)
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At the end of the night NC made sure to find me in the crowd so we could talk a bit more before the night ended.

NC: Damn you're sexy!

Me: (innoncent smile) Thanks.
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Since this was a one night experiment, I'm not sure how far he is willing to go outside of the club. His text messages have been much the same as our time in the club. Full of compliments but nothing too alarming. He hasn't asked when he can see me and we haven't made any plans for the future.

At the same time, I believe NC thought he would get some kind of credit with me because he mentioned early on that he had a girlfriend. As if admitting how much of a dog he is early on, makes his actions any better. You don’t get credit for telling me you have a girlfriend. Maybe it eased his conscious, I know he had one because every so often, he would be sure to mention his girlfriend. Our continued contact and his constant references to my attributes, both physical and mental adds to the internal validity of my experiment. (Internal Validity: The ability to draw the conclusion that the independent variable caused the dependent variable.)

Conclusion/Result: Some men maybe dogs but some men just don't recognize boundaries.

Limitations: I was unable to fully explore NC's boundaries because of the time constraint and because I have a conscious. I don't get down like that.

Future Research: This type of experiment can easily be applied to many different types of men using my design. It is not limited to black males in the club. I’m not saying all men are dogs, but when presented with a pretty girl in a tight outfit, some men are. Heck, presented with an average looking girl in baggy sweats and an overbite, some men will stray. Also, in the future, a woman with less morals should be used to fully exhaust all scenarios with said man.

Unresolved questions: Where should the lines of disrespect be drawn?

1. Was rubbing my back when we know he has a girlfriend going to far?

2. Was getting my phone number for future contact too far?

3. Could the blame if we pursued anything in the future totally be placed on me since he told me upfront he had a girl?

4. Do you consider flirting while out with friends okay when you're in a relationship?

5. If not, what is? Kissing..SEX?

This concludes my experiment.

Discuss…

Social Experiment (Part 1): The male species and his limits

This weekend I conducted an experiment on the male and his limits. Please note, that my actions were necessary for my research and for my entertainment at this hot ass club. If you plan on judging me harshly, please skip both parts of this post.

Saturday night, I found myself at yet another club. There were no seats in the small venue and ventilation was also non existent. I knew that I’d be seeing one of the guys I haven’t given a name here yet, so I put a little more effort in getting dressed. I dressed myself in a low cut black razor back tank, a tight fitting knee length gray skirt, a purple belt that cinched the smallest part of my stomach and matching 3 ½ inch snake skin purple sandals. I almost didn’t want to go because my hair was fresh from the shop, but along with seeing the guy, I also needed to cheer up my little sister who was in a rut over some guy. (Who by the way isn’t even deserving of her time.)

I was standing near a VIP area when I was approached by a gentleman in the area. He didn't have to travel too far considering I was standing 2 feet away from him. He tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention. As soon as I turned around I knew right off top that he was not my type. He was wearing a white Kangol hat and all white outfit which was totally unattractive seeing as I don't condone outfits from the 90s. He was fair skinned, had a nice body and dark goatee. He was entirely too short to take seriously at 5 foot 11 but I thought he’d be able to entertain me for the night. Plus compliments never get old and now I had found a source of them early.

He was no where near original in his approach.

NC: Excuse me miss, how tall are you?

Me: I’m 6 foot without heels on.

So began our conversation. NC understood the humor in my sarcasm and seemed to appreciate the outfit I was wearing. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of me and even when we weren’t talking to each other, he made sure to make eye contact.
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In the middle of our conversation about going out in LA he blurted out, “If I were back in my hay day, we’d be leaving here together.” (He had to be at least 29 or 30)

Confusion overcame my face. “Excuse me hun, it doesn’t matter when we met, I wouldn’t be going anywhere with you. He quickly replied, “I meant to go get something to eat, so we could sit quietly and get to know each other.”

Me: Yeah..uh huh (I’m not boo boo the fool. I know what you meant.)

(I have included excerpts of our conversation to add validity to hypothesis and will be further discussed at the end.)
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Me: I just moved into a new apartment that I’m slowly decorating.

NC: Do you need a flat screen? I can have my friend give you a good deal. Take down my number and we can discuss it later.

Me: (I pull out my cell phone.) Okay. What’s your number? (He was nice and cute plus I always take advantage of any good opportunity.)

NC: Call me right now so I can store your number.
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NC: My girlfriend didn’t want me coming out tonight

Me: ….. (girlfriend????? Really. You sure not acting like you have one right now.) (Slowly made my exit to another side of the room for 20 minutes.)
------
...I knew this wasn't going anywhere but I wasn't done with NC just yet.

Falling

I can’t pin point exactly when it happened.
How did I let it go this far?
I am always in control.
Of my actions, my feeling, my life in general.
Today I don’t feel that way.
I lost the power over myself somewhere.
I’m free falling.

I am unsure of where I will land.
I’m not in control.
Should I continue to fall?
Or do what I normally do and stop myself before things get too far.
Look where that has gotten me in the past.
Should I learn from my mistakes or I am right in wanting to stop this?
I’m falling.

Amerie - Falling
Album - Touch
Verse 1]
Hey understand I’m not used to letting go
Once in my past, I told myself I’d never lose control
But you’re not to blame, so please don’t ever change
And forgive me if I, I hesitate

Fragile: Be careful

My name is Si Si and I’m a serial dater.

I’ve been single for the last…uh hemmm…lets not discuss specifics, lets just say it has been a while. During this time I have been dating and have met plenty of nice guys. Every once in a while I find a guy that truly like. When this happens, I can’t help but cut off the rest. I know they say don’t put all your eggs in one basket, but how can I help myself if most of them fit in this one cute basket.

I can’t help myself. When I’m interested in a guy, I mean really interested in getting to know them, all the rest of the one’s I may have been seeing at that time become causalities.

Yes, I am a serial dater but it’s only because I haven’t found one person to keep all of my attention. So instead of focusing on one guy, I spread it out over several. But when I find a guy that catches my attention and can keep me thinking about him when he is not around, all the rest seem unimportant.

I haven’t felt like this in a while so I am taking my time with it and I hope is not fleeting. I am quite fascinated by Chicago. What does that mean for the rest of the men I was dating?

If I felt the feeling was completely mutual and that Chicago was willing to put in a strong effort and fight to make the distance work, it would mean: lose my number.

Something is telling me not to do that just yet. I can tell that Chicago is keeping his distance from me (pun intended!) and because I’m not trying to rush anything with him I will keep my options open.

My promise to my (single) self:
I will go out with other guys when I am asked.
I will put forth an effort when I find a guy I am interested in.
Overall, I will keep my eyes open to all possibilities surrounding me.

I won’t put all my eggs in one basket, even though it looks so nice, instead I’ll spread them out, sparingly of course. At least until I can confidently put them in one basket and not worry about the guy I choose smashing them all at once.