Never Settling For Anything Less Than Butterflies

You ever want something so bad, you accept good enough because you're tired of waiting. I almost made the mistake of doing just that. I got so comfortable in what we had that I ignored all of the things we didn't. The biggest blow to my ego was when you weren't willing to do the same. We both knew we weren't "perfect" for each other, but the companionship was there. It was cool to have someone with whom I could call when I got out of class or could vent to after a terrible day at work. So for the time being, I was more than content.

Did you give me butterflies? No. A tingle maybe but I've had overwhelming butterflies before and it just wasn't there. I've had butterflies where nothing else in the world doesn't mattered because that one person makes me feel like it shouldn't. Even though I didn't get to see Mr. Butterflies often, when his phone number would flash across my phone, an matching smile would overcome my face. But me and you, we didn't have anything remotely close to this feeling. I want to thank you for being man enough to recognize it AND end us before good enough got in the way of butterflies.

At first the hardest part about our ending was the fact that you let me go first. Today, I can clearly say eventually our relationship would have ran it's course long before the year ended. My ego was bruised when you beat me to it ending it. I hate losing! We had the perfect cuddle buddle situation going on and that ended before winter did. We both used each other and that's okay because once my ego recovered, I realized that we weren't right for anything more than what we had.

People come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. The season was short, the reason was companionship and I'll have a lifetime to thank you for leaving when you did. Especially once I find my lifetime who gives me butterflies.

---

Update: I've looked over this blog post before and when I wrote it, I knew it wasn't true. Did you give me butterflies? Hell yes you did. You made me feel so happy and cared for. So when things ended, I couldn't accept that it was something that I did wrong, it had to be something else, someone else. It had to be your fault. I came up with the idea that you just weren't good for me and ran with it. Was it true? Doesn't matter because I  believed it. So much so that I wrote this post. Even when I realized that it was a lie, I left it because it covered my tracks. It helped me say, self you guys just didn't mesh, you don't miss him, you don't want him. Move on.

Textersation Pet Peeve - How are you?

*random text*

Him: How are you?
Me: I'm well, how are you?
Him: I'm good

*The end*

I HATE THIS WASTE OF TIME!

Guys, please stop this. How are you? How was your day? How are you doing? Only to be followed by  nothing else is so annoying.

If you call, text, email me and you have nothing more to say than the aforementioned, don't say anything at all.

Seriously.

I feel like women don't speak up enough but I am here to tell you that we notice when you do this and we don't like it. Here's antsome alternative approa ches in case you don't know what to follow up with.

"What was the most interesting part of your day?"

A little corny right? Yeah it is but it also show's a bit of interest and could lead to another conversation.

"I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you."

Awww. Really? Send this as a follow up and you can probably guarantee she will be thinking about you in the morning.

"I want to see you on [set a specific date and time]"

As long as you have a plan when you text me what can I really say but yes. I don't really like long text conversations but if you have a purpose, I'm with it.

"Tell me something about your childhood I don't already know."

This will only work if the woman likes texting. In my inbox I'd ignore it but I know plenty of women who will eat it up.

"What's your favorite [insert something you don't already know] and why?"

I remember dating a guy who asked me what my favorite items were throughout our courtship. After a couple of months I noticed he would randomly bring me a piece fo my favorite chocolate or send me my favorite flowers.

Remove this exchange from your approach all together!

I once dated a guy who would only text me up if he wanted to see me.  In the interim he would sporadically call and we would discuss random topics for short periods at a time. In some way, shape or form, he kept me intellectually stimulated and my interest peaked. So I didn't mind the textersations or occasional late night calls because I was the last person he spoke to before he went to bed. I can't remember him asking me how my day was through text unless he was requesting to spend time with me.

So I am asking you all nicely, please stop!

Life is just complex simplicity

My all time favorite song for more reasons than one is Teedra Moses' Complex Simplicity:


Life is just complex simplicity
Thug it out..
Everybody's worried bout tomorrow
Will they see tomorrowI'm just tryna get mine off today
Mama said tomorrow ain't promised
So I'm tryna live like it's my very last day

You can't spend your life
Being in fear of all that may be
You gotta press on, you gotta be free
You gotta breatheInhale, exhale, come on
Bounce with me tonight
Get low with me tonight
Put the choke up in the sky
Wave your glasses high cause
We ain't got no choice but to party
Party it all away
We're gonna party for brighter days
Party cause everyday's
Gonna be alright

Everybody's worried bout the negative
Lookin at the worst of things
I'm just tryna celebrate my life
Mama said be young while you can be young
Life only gets rougher
I'm just tryna keep my youth alive
I won't be held down
With all the things that happened in the past
Daddy, he wasn't there
Mama, she's gone nowI gotta be grown
I need you to hold me down

Bounce with me tonight
Get low with me tonight
Put the choke up in the sky
Wave your glasses high cause
We ain't got no choice but to party
Party it all away
We're gonna party for brighter days
Party cause everyday's
Gonna be alright

Party all night
Don't let it get you down
It's just life

Bounce with me tonight
Get low with me tonight
Put the choke up in the sky
Wave your glasses high cause
We ain't got no choice but to party
Party it all away
We're gonna party for brighter days
Party cause everyday'sGonna be alright

Why it's okay not to ask for my number

After several conversations with some of my male and female friends, I stumbled across this here fable. I've found that guys think they are required to ask for a young ladies phone number at the end of a lengthy conversations.  Well, I am here to debunk this myth and let you know the reason's why it's better to end with "it was nice meeting you" and a handshake instead of requesting a number you're not going to use.

1. "It was nice meeting you" vs "I look forward to hearing from you".

The two may both seem like nice endings to a conversation but if I end with the former instead of the latter, I'm not all that interested. It was nice meeting you for the moment but if I never heard from you for the rest of my life, I'd be just fine. The last time a guy told me "it was nice meeting you" was at the end of a very blah date. Both of us should have ended the date much sooner than we did, but we were cordial and saw it to the end. The end of our last drink. He beat me to the punch but we were on the same page so I was cool.

If I tell you "I look forward to hearing from you" after I've given you my number it means just that. I expect a phone call. I know sometimes women who aren't interested will give a guy their number because they believe it is the nice but not all women do this. I do onto others as I want done on to me (more on that at another time).

2. If you take my number and I'm remotely interested, I expect a phone call or text message. within the next 3 days. 

Unless you're leaving the country within that time frame, there is no need to babysit my number. It does not make you seem more appealing. A man who is slow to call me is likely not that interested. Which is fine but I noticed and until we go out that's all I know about you.

It's crazy to think that a woman wants to hear from a man she gives her number to (read: sarcasm), but yes I am expecting it. It may seem uncomfortable to you to end a conversation with an attractive young lady with a handshake but trust me when I say she'd prefer that handshake over you taking her number and not calling.

3. You don't have to ask for my number.
I know it seems awkward but trust me you don't. I don't know you and you don't know me. I have absolutely zero expectations during this initial interaction except that you will be pleasant. As long as you've done that, then you can keep it pushing.

I have a feeling some men needed to read this. They feel like they have to request the number because they have just spent 20 minutes occupying our space, but I am here to let you know, you don't.

Take my hand, shake it and walk away.

You're welcome.

Note: This does not apply to the men who initially were interest but lost interest somewhere along the way or simply forgot. Shit happens.

Followup post for why women shouldn't give out their numbers when they aren't interested is coming fellas. I know the game.

Telling It Like It Is: Why Are We Single?

Just a few minutes ago I was having a conversation on Google Chat with one of my girlfriends (hey boo!) and she asked the question we've been asking back and forth for some months now.

Usually I reply with "idk" but today was different. I can be pretty blunt with other people so it's time I was real with myself and her:

me

i want to say idk

but I wont

we're single because we don't put ourselves out there

because we're waiting for prince charming instead of taking him

we ignore what's infront of us and wait for something "better"

we give our precious time to ninjas who don't deserve a second glance

even when we know they aint 

shit [ninjas]

we make excuses for harboring feelings for our exes who should have been forgotten a long time ago

we aren't victims of anything but ourselves

drops mic

 The question is now that I've put it all out there, what am I going to do differently.

It's time for a CHANGE...stay tuned

After the Storm

Earlier this summer I was thinking about moving to some of the neighborhoods in Brooklyn that were flooded and without power after the storm. Ultimately I decided to give Harlem at least one more year and I am so happy that I did.I am blessed to say that I have survived hurricane Sandy without missing a beat. Part of me feels a bit guilty for celebrating my birthday this past weekend while others who aren't too far from me were without power, hot water and heat. The images I've seen on my news screen and stories I've been hearing about those killed during the storm strongly resonate with me. I keep thinking, "it could have been me."

Besides being a little stir crazy, I was resourceful and spent a lot of time with friends and family. I did my best to show my sister the good parts of New York but made sure to include those parts affected by the storm. We witnessed police doing their best to keep peace at a gas station in Queens. We saw tape at some train stations in Manhattan. She was even robbed in Brooklyn while we were at a cafe. Don't be alarmed. She forgot her purse in the restroom and luckily the assailant only took the little bit of cash she had.

As I attempt to resume a normal life, I could easily go on without thinking about those still suffering. The social worker in me will not let this happen. I've been looking for volunteer opportunities and funds I can donate to now that I am able to devote more time. I won't forget what Sandy has done to my city, event hough the storm has passed.

_________________________

Information about Volunteer Opportunities

http://www.nyu.edu/life/student-life/nyu-service/hurricane-sandy-relief.html

http://www.nyredcross.org/?nd=news_room_detail&news_id=606&jid=63321

http://www.nycservice.org/index.html

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/hurricane-recovery-and-volunteer-resources/

http://www.timeout.com/newyork/own-this-city-blog/how-to-help-in-new-york-city-after-hurricane-sandy?promoAllowOnce=1

FEDERAL EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT ASSISTANCE (“FEMA”):

Individuals may have suffered losses that make them eligible for FEMA assistance. 

Individuals can:

Apply online anytime at www.disasterassistance.gov

Call 800-621-FEMA (3362) or TTY at 800-462-7585. These are toll-free numbers operating from 7:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. seven days a week until further notice. Multilingual operators are available.

Through smartphone or tablet, use m.fema.gov/. If an Android system is being used, a FEMA App can be downloaded at market.android.com/details?id=gov.fema.mobile.android

Once you apply, a nine-digit registration number will be utilized for future communications with FEMA.

Applicants should have the following info when applying:

• current telephone number
• address at time of disaster and current address
• social security number
• general list of damages and losses
• If insured -- company name, agent and policy number
• Bank routing number for any direct deposit

Individuals can also go to www.governor.ny.gov and find out more about the Hurricane Sandy application procedures and information.

If I Knew Then

I would have done some things differently. I would have said some things that I was feeling. I might have spoken up a bit less. I may have rephrased my stream of thoughts. I may have spent more time at home. I may have spent more time away.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be where I am now, which is where I'm supposed to be. So I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. But I will take this new information and do things differently, in the future.

Because, you never know.

In Search of a Spiritual Home

Ever since I moved to New York, I’ve found myself unsuccessfully searching for an east coast spiritual home.  I’m not sure if it’s because I love my church so much or that I am honestly not ready to add a 2-hour service plus commute to my Sunday mornings. My schedule is already jam packed with work, training and school but I feel this is something that I need to make time for. There is something about having a place to release all of the negative energy placed in my path during a 7-day period that is uplifting and rewarding.

Unfortunately, yesterday’s experience was nothing I plan on repeating. The pastor was far from charismatic, the audience reminded me of an Arsenio Hall studio with their incessant “woot, woot, woot,” and the 4-person choir did not make me feel like getting out of my sit and shouting His name. No sir, that was not my cup of tea.

I know once I find what I’m looking for, I will be that much more excited about Sunday mornings. I will continue to enter each new service with an open heart and mind. I pray that I find what it is I’m looking for soon because after attending 6 different services and wanting to leave midway through most of them, I need a place to call my east coast spiritual home. I'm open to suggestions by the way, so if anyone knows of a church in Harlem that skips the hoopla and delivers the word in a captivating way drop me a note in the comment section.

A Moment of Vulnerabilty

The concept of vulnerability is pretty foreign for me. Over the years I've created an impenetrable barrier in an effort to deal with all of the bullshit thrown my way. I've always felt like having this barrier is the reason I have been able accomplished so much in the face of adversity. My 27 years on this earth have been cluttered with road blocks and obstacles. I am one tough cookie and have managed to break though each barrier with tenacity and courage. Yeah I know I'm bad right.

Unfortunately, I have recently recognized (read: I realized this more than 5 years ago but am only recently making efforts to change) how it has adversely affected my love life.  Having a relationship with me is no easy fete. I'm hard headed, smart-mouthed and getting me to believe I am not right about anything is damn near impossible.

I barely ask anyone for help because I am so used to doing everything on my own. I am aware that others are willing to help but feel that it is best not to be a burden to others. Did you catch that,  even I know it wouldn't necessarily be a burden but burden is the first word that comes to my mind when thinking of asking others for help. I've had friends make it very clear that they want to help and I'd shoot them down immediate.

Over the past few months I've been making a conscious effort to change my ways. My steps may be small but boy do they feel like I'm going in the right direction.  For example, yesterday I was walking from the neighborhood grocery store to my house with several heavy bags. I couldn't hide the fact that these bags were far too heavy for me to even attempt walking 2 steps let alone 0.5 miles to my apartment. I struggled to balance these heavy bags in my hands as I slugged down my block. A young gentleman approached me and asked if I needed help.

Normally I would have flashed a smile and turned down the gracious offer. Later I'd have to ice my back for an hour or so dut to the strain caused by carrying half a ton of groceries.  Instead I remember the promise I had made to myself about my new practice. I flashed a smile and thanked the gentleman for stopping while handing over half of the load. After he carried my bags to my apartment I emphatically thanked him for his generosity. I allowed myself to be vulnerable for a minute to a stranger when I was so clearly and desperately in need. While I still won't be quick to ask for help, I also won't be too quick to turn it down either.

Another adjustment I am making in an effort to allow myself to be vulnerable is to cut back on my sarcasm. [insert readers large gasp followed by a unison exclamation "But Silent, we love your sarcasm!"] I said cut back not cut out! There's no way I can or want to change who I am entirely. I do however want to offend less, push away less and overall get my point across more. I've always said my personality is one that takes getting used to however, there are some parts that can easily be well...adjusted. A part of moving in the right direction will require me to also be more cognizant of tone and delivery. My use of sarcasm has been a defense mechanism for far too long. While at times I find myself pretty damn funny, I also know sometimes I'm covering up my true feelings with these snide remarks.

I've been doing this more over the last few weeks and oh boy is this work. After an all out 1 hour long debate a few weeks ago with a group of my closest drunk New York friends, I knew something had to give. I'm glad my friends were able to speak to me in a manner that made me reflective instead of defensive.

So sometimes before I send a text, I read it aloud to myself. Before I blurt out my first reaction, I say the comment to myself first. This is going to be challenging and I am thankful for my friends who are here to support. I am especially thankful to friends who have let me know when I've changed too much. Thanks to those who have said, "Silent, can you give me your first reaction to my story because I know that aint it!"

Overshare

With one full month into the New Year, so much is going on I thought I'd take a moment to share.

I'm running the 2013 NY marathon. *gasps* There's an opportunity for me to gain automatic entry as long I complete 4 not so simple steps. Well, I completed step 1 the end of last month and I'm training for step 2. This is going to take some dedication, but I'm up for the challenge. At some point I'll even join a team or find a partner.

I've officially started the job hunt. I don't remember it being this difficult before but man, I'm having a hard time even getting an interview. I'm not too worried about it though. Things always work out the way they are suppose to. So I'll just keep doing my part to make sure I'm gainfully employed.

I will travel abroad before I leave NYU. Not exactly sure if it will be this summer, next winter or next summer. It all depends on finances but my goal is to spend at least 3 weeks or so in another country. Soaking up culture and packing on the pounds. I've heard studying abroad is an excuse to gain an excessive amount of weight and I'm all for it. Kidding.

Last but not least, what kind of serial dater would I be if I didn't include any updates on my serial dating.

I've known two things for a while and I stick to them to this day.

1. Actions speak louder than words.

2. Words are just as important as actions.

Life is especially interesting when you're dating two people who are extremely good at one but not the other.

One guy I was seeing, term used loosely, was able to vocalize exactly what he wanted from me and how he saw a future. Unfortunately, his actions were not lining up with those beautiful words. Eventually I stopped caring and he stopped pursuing.

The other showed me a great deal about how he felt in his actions, but just couldn't vocalize much else. Towards the end his actions were no longer present. Without words or actions, there isn't much of anything to work with.

With a bruised ego and hurt feelings, I maintain that it just wasn't in the cards with either. They weren't into me enough and I'm not the type to force anything with anyone. Even though I don't need 100% efficiency on both actions and words, I don't give credit when there's no effort. In the end, I'm still a hopeless romantic. No bitterness or ill will can be found here. Ultimately, I know He has a plan for me. Whatever shall be shall be.

First Day Jitters

Today was the first day of the new semester for my Master's program. I was both excited and scared to begin my second semester. Unlike how most of my classmates feel, the winter break was long enough for me. I didn't have the desire to spend one more day in my apartment being unproductive. Granted, I was working on my resume and cover letter because you know I need a job right. (If you know anyone hiring, let me know!!!!) But other than that, I spent too much time thinking about things that I can't change. And since pondering on life's little mysteries won't help me get ahead in my program, I was happy to return to my passion.

During my train ride to campus this morning, I felt like a seasoned vet, just pass me the 2nd quarter ending shot and swoooosh!! Sorry, that wasn't the best basketball analogy but you get the point. I had been through one semester of graduate school so I felt prepared to close out my first year strong.

One of the main things I learned was NOT to buy all my books before the semester began. Instead I make sure to do the following before heading to Amazon:

1. Sit in at least one class to decide whether or not I was even going to stay enrolled. Last year I bought all my books before school started but ended up switching one of my classes before the second week. I was stuck with books totaling $100 to return.

2. Read over the syllabus to see how much the "required" book in question is going to actually be used. Last semester I spent almost $500 on books I didn't even really use. Imagine how much I fumed by the end of the semester. I WAS HOT!!! I'm happy to report I spent a little over $200 this year. *pats self on the back*

I also learned that I don't necessarily need to do ALL of the readings for each class. It took several weeks last semester last year for me to figure this out. Of course at ** thousand dollars a year, I want to get as much out of my program as possible but there is no way I'm going to spend all of my free time reading material that doesn't pertain to a paper I'm working on or a subject I'm interested in.

Welp, one week down, fourteen to go. I'm praying that I don't repeat mistakes made last semester. So far, so good.

A Promise to Myself

Sometimes I writing things down in order to hold myself accountable. Next week is the beginning of my second semester in grad school. (PHEW!!!!) This is a chance for me to make changes and learn from mistakes made last year. Especially in regards to lessons I learned long ago that unfortunately, I ignored during my first semester. The grades I received during this grading period were decent. Actually, they were better than decent. I haven't had a G.P.A. this high since high school to be honest. But truth be told, I could have done better. I can always do better and I plan on doing better.

Its funny how we all learn from a very young age that there is a lesson to learn in every situation. If we are smart, we do our best not to make those same mistakes again. Especially in such short succession. Well, as humans, we aren't perfect. Shit I'm nowhere near perfect but I'm always willing to learn. I plan on using the rest of this winter break to detail everything I did wrong last semester in an effort to not make some of my same poor decisions again.

Only time will tell if I stick to these declarations. I believe that I will. I'll be praying on it for the next several months.

I make this promise to myself every year: This year will be better than the last.

Why He's My Everything

Recently I had a close friend comment on the amount of time I spend talking about him, sharing pictures of him and letting him control the majority of conversation at times. But for me its simple math, he is the most important addition to my family in years.

Since my mothers untimely passing, I feel like those around me who matter most have passed in large numbers. I've been to so many funerals in the past several years I've started to unconsciously loose count. Looking at the lifeless body of someone you've cared for your entire life hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. I don't wish the amount of tears shed over death on my worst enemy. These deaths have caused rifts throughout the rest of my remaining living family and has caused my sisters sand I to grow even closer.

We were the three musketeers.

Last year, I experienced something I'll never forget: the birth of someone related to me by blood. As much as I consider some of my friends family, knowing the this being had the same blood pumping through his vein created a love I can't fully express.

When my sister told me she was pregnant, I was overcome with excitement and overall shock. My sister had been with her guy for over a decade without ever mentioning having children. Once she told me she was pregnant, I could tell our family would be changed forever. This was not only her pregnancy, my sisters and I were all in this together. Throughout her pregnancy we discussed what we would name him, how we would dress him and love him unconditionally.

Unfortunately, right before he was born, I boarded a plane to NY. I made sure to visit my nephew shortly after his birth and had the pleasure of being with him again during my Christmas vacation.

Even though I'm not there with him everyday, my nephew is my world. I will continue to let him control the majority of my thoughts. Along with my sisters, he is my inspiration for all that I will accomplish during my stint in NY. I have no idea where I'll end up, but I will continue to pull from them for encouragement.

I hope you understand, my family is small, so this addition in my life in the form of a 4 month old baby is huge. So sorry friends, I will continue to talk about my munchkin poo.

He is my little love.

My blood.

My everything.