I can’t focus. I’ve just been hit with some reality and it’s really messing with me. I went to lunch with a coworker and told him how things were going with Red. He wasn’t surprised by the things I were saying. After I told him all the reasons I wasn’t interested and why I was going to break things off he said,”figured.”
Wow, I was a bit stunned. What could this man, who has known me for a total of 5 months, really know? Scary thing is he knew a lot. He knows I am afraid to commit. I walk around with my head on cloud 16 like it’s actually my decision. When the truth is, I wouldn’t know a good thing if it slapped me upside the head and said ‘marry me.’
Worse part about the whole ordeal is that I don’t see myself changing. I don’t know how and I’m scared to be any other way. My coworker said it goes back to my childhood and the way things ended with my mother and father. He noted that I did not have issues with women because I have many close female friends. It’s the male/ female relationship that I have issues with. Somehow I think that a man might leave the same way. And for as long as I have said that my father leaving had no affect of me, I’m starting to think it has.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to be an old maid.
Worried...well I'm over it now...what does he know...he doesnt know me...
4 comments:
Why do you say that you wouldn't know a good thing? I think that when a truly good thing comes along it'll stand out and be pretty hard to miss...
Everyone has fears, anxieties, and expectations based on their parents' relationships. I feel like my father abandoned the family when he passed away... I have a slight fear of abandonment too yes but I always tell myself I have to "love like I've never been hurt before."
I think you're gonna find that person that makes you drop your commitment phobia.
Ummm... *sigh... wehre to begin...
I don't want to start off by saying I told you so but in some ways I did advice you to let things be. Taking your time and allowing it to go day by day will determine where and what you need in life.
I think its uncalled for that you cut him out of your life. He seems like a really nice person and you deserve a good person in your life. However if you are confussed dont add him to the loop and do him the favor of leaving this man alone. He doesn't deserve someone to put him on hold until you are ready to see if you want him. You have been honest with him and honest with yourself so think to yourself if this is what you really want.
In regards to your parents relationship all I can say is that their mistakes are not your mistakes. Things happen, life happens. Everyone has a different background not two people are the same. So we cannot compare two strangers to each other. Let time pass and if you must be single for a while then so be it. I think you will realize who the right person is when you stop pushing him away.
Take care babe. Dont be depressed your talking about one person. Think of everything else you have going in your life that makes you strong. Depression is not good you are way better than that.
IZZIE
XOXO
Thank you both for your comments..
Jaded - I agree that when I find the right person I will know it.
Izzie - I don't think Red is right for me and I will let him know. I will not string him along because I wouldn't want that done to me.
Overall I wanted this post to bring to light that I am affected by past. I do not let it control my future but it does influence my decisions and life. There is no way to get around it. I am affected by the way things ended with my father. And that's a fact. But I also refuse to settle. I could be comfortable with Red, but that wouldn't make me completely happy.
I DON'T DO SAFE!
Thanks for the comments. Keep them coming and I will keep posting.
So excited I'm on your blog now. I completely agree with you and understand the insecurities you mat have because of your parents. You judge relationships based on your parents and if that ends up negative, it has a negative effect on you. We want a man like our father but if we question how good of a person our father is, that will always be in the back of our mind when we meet new people. You can get past it but it never goes away 100%. But you will be fine regardless. :-)
Love,
Ur tre!
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