If I Knew Then

I would have done some things differently. I would have said some things that I was feeling. I might have spoken up a bit less. I may have rephrased my stream of thoughts. I may have spent more time at home. I may have spent more time away.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be where I am now, which is where I'm supposed to be. So I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. But I will take this new information and do things differently, in the future.

Because, you never know.

In Search of a Spiritual Home

Ever since I moved to New York, I’ve found myself unsuccessfully searching for an east coast spiritual home.  I’m not sure if it’s because I love my church so much or that I am honestly not ready to add a 2-hour service plus commute to my Sunday mornings. My schedule is already jam packed with work, training and school but I feel this is something that I need to make time for. There is something about having a place to release all of the negative energy placed in my path during a 7-day period that is uplifting and rewarding.

Unfortunately, yesterday’s experience was nothing I plan on repeating. The pastor was far from charismatic, the audience reminded me of an Arsenio Hall studio with their incessant “woot, woot, woot,” and the 4-person choir did not make me feel like getting out of my sit and shouting His name. No sir, that was not my cup of tea.

I know once I find what I’m looking for, I will be that much more excited about Sunday mornings. I will continue to enter each new service with an open heart and mind. I pray that I find what it is I’m looking for soon because after attending 6 different services and wanting to leave midway through most of them, I need a place to call my east coast spiritual home. I'm open to suggestions by the way, so if anyone knows of a church in Harlem that skips the hoopla and delivers the word in a captivating way drop me a note in the comment section.

A Moment of Vulnerabilty

The concept of vulnerability is pretty foreign for me. Over the years I've created an impenetrable barrier in an effort to deal with all of the bullshit thrown my way. I've always felt like having this barrier is the reason I have been able accomplished so much in the face of adversity. My 27 years on this earth have been cluttered with road blocks and obstacles. I am one tough cookie and have managed to break though each barrier with tenacity and courage. Yeah I know I'm bad right.

Unfortunately, I have recently recognized (read: I realized this more than 5 years ago but am only recently making efforts to change) how it has adversely affected my love life.  Having a relationship with me is no easy fete. I'm hard headed, smart-mouthed and getting me to believe I am not right about anything is damn near impossible.

I barely ask anyone for help because I am so used to doing everything on my own. I am aware that others are willing to help but feel that it is best not to be a burden to others. Did you catch that,  even I know it wouldn't necessarily be a burden but burden is the first word that comes to my mind when thinking of asking others for help. I've had friends make it very clear that they want to help and I'd shoot them down immediate.

Over the past few months I've been making a conscious effort to change my ways. My steps may be small but boy do they feel like I'm going in the right direction.  For example, yesterday I was walking from the neighborhood grocery store to my house with several heavy bags. I couldn't hide the fact that these bags were far too heavy for me to even attempt walking 2 steps let alone 0.5 miles to my apartment. I struggled to balance these heavy bags in my hands as I slugged down my block. A young gentleman approached me and asked if I needed help.

Normally I would have flashed a smile and turned down the gracious offer. Later I'd have to ice my back for an hour or so dut to the strain caused by carrying half a ton of groceries.  Instead I remember the promise I had made to myself about my new practice. I flashed a smile and thanked the gentleman for stopping while handing over half of the load. After he carried my bags to my apartment I emphatically thanked him for his generosity. I allowed myself to be vulnerable for a minute to a stranger when I was so clearly and desperately in need. While I still won't be quick to ask for help, I also won't be too quick to turn it down either.

Another adjustment I am making in an effort to allow myself to be vulnerable is to cut back on my sarcasm. [insert readers large gasp followed by a unison exclamation "But Silent, we love your sarcasm!"] I said cut back not cut out! There's no way I can or want to change who I am entirely. I do however want to offend less, push away less and overall get my point across more. I've always said my personality is one that takes getting used to however, there are some parts that can easily be well...adjusted. A part of moving in the right direction will require me to also be more cognizant of tone and delivery. My use of sarcasm has been a defense mechanism for far too long. While at times I find myself pretty damn funny, I also know sometimes I'm covering up my true feelings with these snide remarks.

I've been doing this more over the last few weeks and oh boy is this work. After an all out 1 hour long debate a few weeks ago with a group of my closest drunk New York friends, I knew something had to give. I'm glad my friends were able to speak to me in a manner that made me reflective instead of defensive.

So sometimes before I send a text, I read it aloud to myself. Before I blurt out my first reaction, I say the comment to myself first. This is going to be challenging and I am thankful for my friends who are here to support. I am especially thankful to friends who have let me know when I've changed too much. Thanks to those who have said, "Silent, can you give me your first reaction to my story because I know that aint it!"

Overshare

With one full month into the New Year, so much is going on I thought I'd take a moment to share.

I'm running the 2013 NY marathon. *gasps* There's an opportunity for me to gain automatic entry as long I complete 4 not so simple steps. Well, I completed step 1 the end of last month and I'm training for step 2. This is going to take some dedication, but I'm up for the challenge. At some point I'll even join a team or find a partner.

I've officially started the job hunt. I don't remember it being this difficult before but man, I'm having a hard time even getting an interview. I'm not too worried about it though. Things always work out the way they are suppose to. So I'll just keep doing my part to make sure I'm gainfully employed.

I will travel abroad before I leave NYU. Not exactly sure if it will be this summer, next winter or next summer. It all depends on finances but my goal is to spend at least 3 weeks or so in another country. Soaking up culture and packing on the pounds. I've heard studying abroad is an excuse to gain an excessive amount of weight and I'm all for it. Kidding.

Last but not least, what kind of serial dater would I be if I didn't include any updates on my serial dating.

I've known two things for a while and I stick to them to this day.

1. Actions speak louder than words.

2. Words are just as important as actions.

Life is especially interesting when you're dating two people who are extremely good at one but not the other.

One guy I was seeing, term used loosely, was able to vocalize exactly what he wanted from me and how he saw a future. Unfortunately, his actions were not lining up with those beautiful words. Eventually I stopped caring and he stopped pursuing.

The other showed me a great deal about how he felt in his actions, but just couldn't vocalize much else. Towards the end his actions were no longer present. Without words or actions, there isn't much of anything to work with.

With a bruised ego and hurt feelings, I maintain that it just wasn't in the cards with either. They weren't into me enough and I'm not the type to force anything with anyone. Even though I don't need 100% efficiency on both actions and words, I don't give credit when there's no effort. In the end, I'm still a hopeless romantic. No bitterness or ill will can be found here. Ultimately, I know He has a plan for me. Whatever shall be shall be.

First Day Jitters

Today was the first day of the new semester for my Master's program. I was both excited and scared to begin my second semester. Unlike how most of my classmates feel, the winter break was long enough for me. I didn't have the desire to spend one more day in my apartment being unproductive. Granted, I was working on my resume and cover letter because you know I need a job right. (If you know anyone hiring, let me know!!!!) But other than that, I spent too much time thinking about things that I can't change. And since pondering on life's little mysteries won't help me get ahead in my program, I was happy to return to my passion.

During my train ride to campus this morning, I felt like a seasoned vet, just pass me the 2nd quarter ending shot and swoooosh!! Sorry, that wasn't the best basketball analogy but you get the point. I had been through one semester of graduate school so I felt prepared to close out my first year strong.

One of the main things I learned was NOT to buy all my books before the semester began. Instead I make sure to do the following before heading to Amazon:

1. Sit in at least one class to decide whether or not I was even going to stay enrolled. Last year I bought all my books before school started but ended up switching one of my classes before the second week. I was stuck with books totaling $100 to return.

2. Read over the syllabus to see how much the "required" book in question is going to actually be used. Last semester I spent almost $500 on books I didn't even really use. Imagine how much I fumed by the end of the semester. I WAS HOT!!! I'm happy to report I spent a little over $200 this year. *pats self on the back*

I also learned that I don't necessarily need to do ALL of the readings for each class. It took several weeks last semester last year for me to figure this out. Of course at ** thousand dollars a year, I want to get as much out of my program as possible but there is no way I'm going to spend all of my free time reading material that doesn't pertain to a paper I'm working on or a subject I'm interested in.

Welp, one week down, fourteen to go. I'm praying that I don't repeat mistakes made last semester. So far, so good.

A Promise to Myself

Sometimes I writing things down in order to hold myself accountable. Next week is the beginning of my second semester in grad school. (PHEW!!!!) This is a chance for me to make changes and learn from mistakes made last year. Especially in regards to lessons I learned long ago that unfortunately, I ignored during my first semester. The grades I received during this grading period were decent. Actually, they were better than decent. I haven't had a G.P.A. this high since high school to be honest. But truth be told, I could have done better. I can always do better and I plan on doing better.

Its funny how we all learn from a very young age that there is a lesson to learn in every situation. If we are smart, we do our best not to make those same mistakes again. Especially in such short succession. Well, as humans, we aren't perfect. Shit I'm nowhere near perfect but I'm always willing to learn. I plan on using the rest of this winter break to detail everything I did wrong last semester in an effort to not make some of my same poor decisions again.

Only time will tell if I stick to these declarations. I believe that I will. I'll be praying on it for the next several months.

I make this promise to myself every year: This year will be better than the last.

Why He's My Everything

Recently I had a close friend comment on the amount of time I spend talking about him, sharing pictures of him and letting him control the majority of conversation at times. But for me its simple math, he is the most important addition to my family in years.

Since my mothers untimely passing, I feel like those around me who matter most have passed in large numbers. I've been to so many funerals in the past several years I've started to unconsciously loose count. Looking at the lifeless body of someone you've cared for your entire life hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. I don't wish the amount of tears shed over death on my worst enemy. These deaths have caused rifts throughout the rest of my remaining living family and has caused my sisters sand I to grow even closer.

We were the three musketeers.

Last year, I experienced something I'll never forget: the birth of someone related to me by blood. As much as I consider some of my friends family, knowing the this being had the same blood pumping through his vein created a love I can't fully express.

When my sister told me she was pregnant, I was overcome with excitement and overall shock. My sister had been with her guy for over a decade without ever mentioning having children. Once she told me she was pregnant, I could tell our family would be changed forever. This was not only her pregnancy, my sisters and I were all in this together. Throughout her pregnancy we discussed what we would name him, how we would dress him and love him unconditionally.

Unfortunately, right before he was born, I boarded a plane to NY. I made sure to visit my nephew shortly after his birth and had the pleasure of being with him again during my Christmas vacation.

Even though I'm not there with him everyday, my nephew is my world. I will continue to let him control the majority of my thoughts. Along with my sisters, he is my inspiration for all that I will accomplish during my stint in NY. I have no idea where I'll end up, but I will continue to pull from them for encouragement.

I hope you understand, my family is small, so this addition in my life in the form of a 4 month old baby is huge. So sorry friends, I will continue to talk about my munchkin poo.

He is my little love.

My blood.

My everything.