Guest Blogger: The Ugliness Threshold

Ladies, what if a guy was to come up to you and, with all seriousness, say to you "Excuse me miss, I like your booty." How would you react? Would you be instantly offended? Would you want to slap him? Walk away as quickly as possible? Or would you...give him your number?

I know there are a lot of people out there that sincerely think there is no possible way the last option could EVER happen. "How could I let someone disrespect me like that and me still entertain it?"

And the answer is simple. Its only disrespectful if he's ugly. Now I know nobody wants to think of themselves as shallow or the like, but at the end of the day, before you know anything about a person who approaches you for the first time is whether or not he could GTD (Get Tha Drawls, for those who don't watch Martin.) Further, at the end of the day, attractive people can get away with WAYYYYY more than unattractive people, scientific fact (well, maybe, I don't think scientists do this kinda thing.) At the end of the day, if he's fine, almost anything he says initially, will not be held against him. Later on, after you get past the exterior, you might be kinda mad that you got roped in with such underhanded tactics.

Now if he was blatantly disrespectful, "Ay b!tch, that's a nice ass." There is probably little to no chance it could ever work for anyone. But the theory behind "Excuse me miss, I like your booty," could be that there is no real difference between that and saying he liked your smile, given that he couldn't see you smile from behind. Conversely, there are many people who could be more insulting with a typically complimented feature "Ay, yo eyes green than a muh f^cka," shows an overall lack of intellegence that I would think MOST upstanding women would tolerate.

In the end, I think the standing theory is, and will continue to be........... "But he fine though." Just my thoughts.

~Submitted by Mr. Fantastic alias Mr. Not-to-shabby-my-damn-self

formspring.me

Blame it on the boredom and curiosity but I signed up for formspring. So go ahead, ask me anything http://formspring.me/SilentScorpion

You're NOT Getting a V-DAY present

The trouble with Valentine's Day is, some undeserving women put pressure on men they are dating just fucking. They confuse dating with casual sex. Some of these females feel the need to start defining relationships that were working fine for the past few casual months. Men are expected to spend waste money on teddy bears, chocolate and jewelry.

I know Valentines day is this weekend and for those of you in the early stage of dating your new partner, you may be wondering what you are getting (probably don't deserve.) I want to clarify some parameters for you jumpoffs/booty calls/side chicks who unfortunately don't understand they are NOT getting a present. Here are my Top 5 Jump off identifiers:

1. If he only texts you and then comes over. You don't know his schedule but he knows yours. So he knows when you're going to be home and hits you up only on those occasions. Stop telling your girls about this great man you are seeing because his friends don't know you by name, instead they all know you live on Queen Street because that is how he lets his boys know he is getting some.

2. If he leaves before you wake. If you're not sure what his morning breathe smells like, its because you aren't important enough to wake up next to. He'd rather be at home in his bed than to wake up in yours. The reason he is always coming to your place is because he has away game advantage. He can come and go as he pleases.

3. He gets pissed when you show up unannounced. Now I know when I showed up without calling my ex to treat him to a night of fun at his place, he was more than happy to see me BUT this is a technical foul in the realm of jumpoffs. Stay in your lane. You cannot come to his house unannounced and you will not be getting a present.

4. If he takes you out in public, it's only to these great places outside the city. Sorry boo, you're a jump off. First off, we're in a recession, why is it so important to see this movie 30 miles away from where ya'll both live. Because he "loves" that theater? No hun, its because he doesn't want his main girl's friends to see him out with you.

5. He wants to keep your relationship "secret," because he's a private person. How do you expect a Valentine's gift when none of your friends are supposed to know you're dating. Since he has held this over your head for so long, he doesn't have to worry about your girls dogging him out, because technically he isn't dating you. Yall are just "special friends."

Honorable Mention: He won't kiss you before, during or after sex and he disappears when you are on you period.

Remember what Joe Budden said: "My Jump Off never has me going out of my way, and she don't want nothing on Valentines Day." Valentine's Day is not your time to shine. Its your time to be available in case the main chick is too tired to give him what he wants. This is not your day to be expecting gifts or any special treatment. Your "relationship" has been working just fine, keep it that way. Know now that Valentine's Day is not going to be reserved for you. If he does see you on February 14, the only thing he will be carrying is a wrapped condom.

P.s. These same rules apply for birthdays and Christmas.

Friday Rant

Meeting men is just like getting a new toy on Christmas. When I first get it, I’m so excited. I want to learn everything about it and finding out new functions and accessories it has excites me. I’ll pick it up everyday because it keeps me entertained and interested. As long as its fun, I'll pick it up out the toy bin and play with it. But by the time February comes around, I’m done playing with that toy; maybe I found a new toy, broke the old one or it wasn’t as fun anymore. If that toy has done nothing over the past couple months to make it stand out from the rest, I’ll toss it in my bin. I won't pick it up again until I’m bored and want to play with it or I’ll throw it out because it’s taking up valuable space.

At this point, I am not looking for any new toys. My bin is completely empty. I’m okay with just playing by myself.

Never Truly Single

Do you hear that?

Listen closely.

Isn't it lovely.

"But Silent I don't hear anything."

Exactly! Its a sound I haven't heard in a very long time. Its called silence. Tonight I haven't received one phone call, text message, BBM (Blackberry Message,) Email, AIM or DM (on my twitter account) from a guy I'm stringing along dating.

I just had an epiphany. I am single. I mean truly single. I know you're thinking duh bitch of course you're single. Isn't that the premise of this men hating blog. Let me tell you that this is the first time I'm truly single.

Usually when I say I'm single, I'm lying it means I'm still dating several people. That if I'm bored, lonely, hungry horny I have someone to call with whom I have some interest and who probably wants more than the occasional and infrequent returned call. I've always had someone around. Someone I could call when I'm feeling lonely. Someone I could call if I need a laugh or a hug. There's the guy I ran to when everything was going wrong. Then there's the one I went to when things were right.

I noticed this vicious cycle of recycling men. The reason they stay around for so long is because I never let them get too close. It must be the mystery of wondering why they can't get close that allows me to disappear from their lives for months on end, and reappear without much of an explanation as to what happened to me. Being wanted and feeling desired is something I've never struggled with. [Insert "damn you cocky" thought here.] But its the truth, finding and pimpin keeping a capable male suitor is easy.

Take New Years for instance, which was less than 30 days ago. I was trying to figure out which of the 3 fine black men I was gonna take to my friends New Years Eve party. Luckily for me everything turned out like roses. What could have been a very difficult conversation with an unlucky two, turned into a happy ending for all parties involved. I could have kept things going with all of them, but I lost interest once I realized I wasn't seriously interested in any. I decided to do something I've never done. I let them go without having a new guy to replace them.

I told them: "We should just be friends," "I'm not ready for a relationship," and "Please leave a message after the tone."

This feels great. Not worrying about whose favorite artist is coming to town, which guy had which horrific day at work, etc has me floating on cloud 16. I'm truly single. In every sense of the word. I feel like I'm on vacation in the Caribbean far away from the craziness that was recently my dating life. Just pass me my Virgin Pina Colada, sun block and tinted shades, I need some Silent time.

Guest Blogger: Dear Diary

I had to repost Kerry's post from my other blog because it really spoke to how I'm currently feeling.

It's 12:30 a.m. and I'm sitting up playing Wale's "Diary" on repeat... That can't be good right?

I just have a whole hell of a lot on my mind. Primarily... all the shit I've been through in relationships that's gotten me to this point of not wanting to be in one... at all. And how fucked up/unfair that is.

I used to think the ability to be as emotionally distant as a man was a gift bestowed on me as a reward for the dues I paid in my first couple of relationships - "I cupcake with no filling (read feeling)," or at least that's how I used to brag a year or so ago... I date with no expectation of commitment, I pick men up and put them down like toys, I've immersed myself into my budding career, in myself, in my family, in my friends, in the here and in the now.

Sometime last year however, I realized that my "gift" was actually a curse in disguise. To downplay it's extreme down side I thought of it as a spell that was meant to be broken when the right prince came along. However, I'm slowly starting to realize that even that assumption was tragically false.

I fear that I'm incapable of being that woman I once was. For better or for worse, I'm selfish, self-centered, distrusting (is that a word?), insensitive and all the other anti-girlfriend traits I picked up along the way and no matter how much I want to revert back to the naive, innocent girl I once was, it feels almost impossible to revert back (to give 75 percent of myself or perhaps just 50?) even in the presence of someone I actually have feelings for.

And I'm stuck in a paradox, at a crossroads, next door to a maze of emotions.

I've been trying not to think about it... let things happen the way they happen. But it's gotten to the point where it's become all consuming. I haven't been sleeping... blaming work... but it's really my own anxieties that's been keeping me up.

It's like I'm stuck in a hall of mirrors.. seeing myself for the first time, from different angles, through the eyes of others, each reflection more grotesque than the last... and I've been here so long that I'm starting to wonder if there's even a way out.

Make it go away!!

Tell me I’m not alone. Tell me you have the same problem. Then I wouldn’t feel the need to continue to hide in shame, to keep this fact a secret. I have a crush. I’m not even sure it can still be called a crush. At one point we did date. We spent several months getting to know each other and everything I knew I liked. Then just like that, it ended. We parted on good terms and that’s the main problem. I honestly wish we would have had a big falling out, and then I could get over this.I suddenly had to find something to do with my feelings.

Soon after the parting, I found myself doing things I know I shouldn’t. Cardinal rules were constantly broken. I was the Facebook stalking, twitter feed reading, invisibly logging into Gchat just to see his name. Don't judge me. I mean I had it bad, real bad Joe Jackson. Finally after a few weeks (I’m lying it was more like 4 months) I started to get over him. My heart wouldn’t skip a beat when his name appeared on my caller ID or he would comment on my Facebook page. The butterflies wings stopped flapping and he was just another guy. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I continued to tell myself I was over him. Even after all of my friends continued to tell me the truth, I was and still am crushing on him.

I’m not trying to fight it anymore. I know what it is. It’s a crush. Because nothing can come from it. Don’t ask me why, just trust me it can’t. So I’m here to ask for the people who have secret unspoken crushes to please stand up.

Looks around for support…Will the real Silent Scorpion please stand up...