I Need To Get Married!

Someone recently incorrectly referenced this article while proclaiming damn near demanding that I get married ASAP. Because well although I am barely 26 years old with my own life plan, he felt it was time for me to settle down. Not later, but now. Apparently my standards are too high and I need to be more flexible in order to find a mate. Because at this rate, he feels that I will expire soon and spontaneously combust without ever finding love. This epiphany was coming from a 29-year-old man who still lives at home with his parents, still has his mom wash his drawers and has actually never been in a relationship. You can imagine how closely I listened to him.

Before you read the snippet of the article, know that the author is three times divorced and currently single. Lately I'm just surrounded by relationship role models who want to give me relationship advice. No thanks.

Here’s a snippet of the article:

Why You're Not Married
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like mydad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married,you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

According to Tracey McMillan and my old friend (old as in past tense), I'm one (or a combination) of these: I'm a bitch, a slut, a liar, shallow, selfish or not good enough. You can catch the rest of it here. Those were her bullet points in case you didn't want to read the whole thing.

I cannot even bare to continue to blog about this nonsense.

Good day everyone.