Guest Post: Lowered Expectations: Forbidden Love (Part 2) by NotYourAlleyKat

NotYourAllyKat is back with Part 2 of her 3 part series. You can check out Part 1 here.

As a basic human fact we always want what we cannot have, and being in my mid twenties all I crave is that all black everything, sleek, sexy Maserati. You know the man that is not good for anything in real life, but in this wondrous fantasy world he is your everything. I love him, not in the let’s get married, have kids and a picket fence stable sort of way. I love him similar to the fierceness of a dragon’s breath, the awe you feel when you open your eyes underwater for that brief moment, the freeness of the wind blowing through your hair kind of way. It’s a deep, intangible, unexplainable love. It’s all of those incredible things that make it so dangerous. Love that is like a drug and once you have felt it, you want nothing less. Much like a drug this kind of love leaves you yearning and lifeless once it disappears. My soul has yet to be the same and perhaps this is why I am never satisfied. 

He was an empty soul. Although nothing was ever out of his reach and he was capable of obtaining anything in life he could ever desire this still did not please him. He lived like a king in his cold castle, high above the peons of the world, further disconnecting him from the every day world. His job sucked the life out of him but rewarded him fiercely with more money than a man should ever be privy to have. Being an attractive man, women flocked to him and he in turn accepted the love without ever the intention of return.  He had convinced himself he favored being alone. He didn't want to worry about anyone else and rather dealt with women like ships passing in the night.

She saw right through it all. Their connection was too intense, too close to perfect. The way they fit like puzzle pieces in bed was uncanny. She had never experienced emotion for anyone like she did for him.  She wanted him however and whenever he came, her knees quivered while he was around. The anticipation of seeing him gave her the greatest anxiety, although she played her role in the game and kept her desires quiet. For she knew trusting in a shadow was ridiculous no matter how much she felt like he was following her. His intangible quality that attracted her so much would be what would lead to their demise. 

It seemed as if the universe was trying to tell her something through all their chance encounters. In a city with millions of people how could it be it was always him? In her tipsy blur of fun in the nightclub, it was always him at the table right next door. Him who she spotted on the patio as she merrily strolled into brunch. His building she ended up at after hitting it off with a stranger on a random sunny day. His college roommate she met at a party. It seemed as if she could not escape; with each encounter her lust grew less but the connection she felt grew stronger.

The story does not end with those chance encounters. For you see, the nature of forbidden love is tricky. Unless you have felt it you cannot truly understand the twisted way it pulls you in, like the ocean tide.  The water is frigid but yet you still wade, but before you know it you’re in too deep. It doesn't matter what anyone around me says because I cannot hear. I don’t even long for air; I’d rather be thrashed around by his waves than safe on land. That is the depth of my love, because even though I’m drowning he makes me feel invincible.   

Submitted by NotYourAllyKat

Bookmark: What is he?

I started this post a few weeks ago and haven't had the chance to really dig deep into it. This morning a friend of mine posted this link and it made me think about my nephew and his reality again. So I'm bookmarking this post for myself with a promise to get back to it later. 

I remember showing off a picture of my nephew to a guy I was dating. I was so proud to be his aunt. As soon as he was born, I became that annoying person who wanted to share pictures of my love with everyone. I pulled out one of his latest pictures and exclaimed to the guy, "Isn't he cute!" 

I know, I know there are a million adjectives I could use to capture his beauty but when I see him I get stuck on stupid and cute is the adjective I've constantly abused.

After agreeing that my nephew was in fact cute, he followed up with a question, "What is he?"

I looked at the guy and thought to myself, "aside from cute, what's left?" 

It didn't initially hit me. 

My nephews long curly locks and fair skin was a beautiful mix of his mother and father. 

He was simply my cute nephew, in my eyes. 

Within seconds his reality hit me.

"Oooooooooh!" I exclaimed to myself.

He wants to know the ethnicity of this newborn? Up until this point, it never occurred to me that my nephew was anything but black. 

My sister had dated the same man for over 14 years and I never thought to ask what he, himself, identified as. But after that moment with, the guy, I knew I had to start asking questions. So I hit up my nephew's father, a man who stood at over 6 '8", sported a long dark, black, wavy ponytail, and fairer skin than even my fairest of friends and asked, "What is he?"

Happy Friday to my everythings!

This post is about nothing.

This post is about everything.

This post is about my excitement.

In less than two hours, I will leave work and head for the airport.

I have an 8 pm flight back home to sunny Los Angeles and I can barely hold back my excitement.

I haven't been home since last December.

I haven't been able to hug my nephew and tell him how much I love him.

I haven't been able to hug my sisters and tell them how much I love them.

I miss my family.

This trip is exactly what I need right now.

Some emotional rejuvenation.

This post is about nothing.

This post is about everything.

I get to see my everythings!

Guest Post: Lowered Expectations (Part 1) by NotYourAlleyKat

I've always said that writing about my life experiences is one of the most therapeutic exercises. I look back on my dating blogs and marvel at my stupidity, while laughing at my genius. A friend of mine has thus been inspired to try her hands at writing about her life experiences. The three part series that follows is written by my friend NotYourAlleyKat.

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Men and women are remotely different creatures, but yet there are those times when something magical happens and they are able to collide. A mystical energy is possessed between the two and they are able to live in perfect harmonic bliss. Unfortunately this bliss these days is often short lasted. We live in a world that’s all about me and rarely about us. Even if deep inside our hearts we believe in an us, our pride has grown too big to allow ourselves to be so vulnerable. In this three part guest series, I will explain how men ain't shit, why I won’t settle, and the serpentine incredible nature of forbidden love.

I used to care a lot about every guy I dated. I would treat him as if he was King of the World. But do you know what happened, I got burnt every single time. I actually remember when I stopped caring: it was July of 2011. I was raised to be an extremely independent girl. I’ll hang curtains, move furniture, paint walls alone before I ask someone to help. Whenever I’m sick, I’ll be the last one to admit it. This particular July, I came down with I think what was the worst sickness of my adult life. I had a fever of 104, hot and cold at the same time, and I couldn't swallow my own spit without feeling the pain of what seemed like 1000 knives. 

During this time I was also working two 16-hour days back to back, which included making desserts for over 100 people. I didn't have a choice about resting because  I was the only one who could do the job. Needless to say the after the second day of work I was on the edge of death. I came home, sat down and tried to drink some broth to sooth my throat. I had a complete and utter breakdown. I called upon the help of my boo* of two plus years. I told him I was dying and asked him to bring me some Gatorade. Boo said he was at his friend’s house but would come in a little bit. I looked at the clock and it was 10:00pm. 

So I waited..waited…waited and restlessly tried to sleep.  I was finally able to fall sound asleep several hours later when all of a sudden I received a text. I looked at the clock, 5:00am illuminated my room. Boo had texted me. "How are you?"  

It was at that very moment, while sitting up on my couch, with the early light peaking into the room that I realized, men are not worth all the effort we put into them. I’m pretty sure I cried really hard. I never felt so abandoned in my life. I was alone and betrayed, like an alley cat in the rain. It was pretty sad. I had spent two years cultivating a relationship with this man. We  had done everything a normal couple having fun would do. We went sky diving, had long lazy days together, and even crazier nights. I thought he knew me. Up until this point I had I never asked him for anything. He had the nerve to just left me sick and alone.

These days I take size up each man I come across. Men are much like used cars. It’s a shame most men are lemons. The engine under the hood never matches the beautiful outward appearance they present upon meeting. Once their shiny paint starts to peel and/or once you reach 3,000 miles, their engine breaks down and leaves you stranded. Over the course of about two months you go from thinking you hit the jackpot, to realizing you'll never get your money's worth.

I wouldn't say I’m bitter, just disappointed. I was recently dating a guy who had potential. He did me a favor by not presenting himself as a shiny steal. He was just okay; cool even. After meeting, he quickly  passed the talking on the phone test. Surprisingly he properly replied back to text messages. Soon we were spending ample time together.  Eventually I started to think hey, I might actually like this one. 

Then one day I got a text. “So I’m not in the best financial situation right now, so I need space, nothing to do with you. You’re perfect.” 

Now we are both adults so if you need space, I completely understand. I’m not trying to smother anyone. But something was fishy about this text. I’m not going to lie; I was a bit thrown off and slightly upset. If only from my pride alone, I was in shock.

I replied back, “Aw that sucks, I liked hanging with you, but I understand. If you need anything let me know.” A perfect response, I respected and empathized. A part of me wanted to reply:  “YOU DON’T EVEN SPEND MONEY!!!!!!” Literally he probably spent 100 dollars the entire two months we dated; there were no extravagant dates, flowers, diamonds or jewels! 

A few days passed and he decided to text me: “hey, how are you?” At this point, I was already over the situation. Out of boredom, I entertained his messages and invited him to my house. Things  between us were different. The things I used to find cute were now lame. It was if I could see right through him. The next day a friend told me she had recently seen him walking holding hands with a girl who wasn't me. He and the girl were out and about the day after he informed me of his strained financial situation. 

I laughed. 

I was not at all shocked. 

I didn't even care. 

Repeated experiences like this bring me back to that July morning of 2011. All of those sad and disgusted feelings return. However, I refuse to be that alley cat; I will never again make a man the center of my world until he gives me a reason to place him there. That first situation with Boo was tough, but it has made it a lot easier to deal with all the other stinky piles of shit that have come along. So much easier to let go and easier to see, men ain't shit.

Submitted by: NotYourAlleyKat

*term for someone who gets all the benefits of being your boyfriend but has none of the responsibilities

SHUT THE HELL UP, EVERYONE COPES DIFFERENTLY

I'm writing this post for anyone who has ever lost someone to death. Whether it be your mother, father, child, best friend, cousin, aunt, etc., if you've lost someone this post is for you.

Last week a 2-year old passed due to the heinous actions of a monster.  I won't mention the little boys name out of respect of his biological celebrity father who requested privacy. But I'm sure you know he played in a game Sunday much to the chagrin of spectators.

It was baffling to be logged into social media the day story broke and see the number of ignorant people comment on his decision to play. "If that was my child..." seriously you fixed your mouth to say this. First, this isn't your child. Second, people love to assume how they'd react when they have no knowledge of the exact feelings. Third, shut the hell up. Lastly, even if you've mourned the loss of a child, everyone copes differently, so shut the hell up.

This event brought up issues I had with people who felt the need to comment on the way I mourned my mother. I had comments ranging from those who didn't get how I kept going, to those who told me they couldn't imagine going through the same thing. As if I could have imagined anything like her passing happening to me. I'm not sure what response they were/are expecting from me, but most times I just remain silent and give an awkward grin.

I had a number of people tell me, "I don't know how you got through it" as a way to provide comfort. That shit is not comforting because all I did was pray. I pray everyday and  try and live a "normal" life in a situation that is not "normal". I have not gotten through anything. Everyday is a struggle. With some days better than others. But let's be clear here: the saying "time heals all wounds" is complete and utter bullshit. I feel like I'm always mourning my mother and this moment is a perfect example.

Telling someone who is going through something what you would and could not be able to handle is the most insensitive gibberish. "I don't know what I would do without my mother." Do you know how hard it is not to backhand someone who says shit like this to me? How someone fixes their mouth to reference themselves when others are mourning is beyond me. For a long time I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to talk about it because I would hear dumb ass comments like these on a regular. These days, I am a much more open book. With so many chapters to share and one of those chapter include calling out people on their insensitivity.  I talk openly about reactions that annoy me because I don't want these idiotic ass comments made to other people. Please stop this nonsense! Do not judge what you do not understand.

If you are blessed to have both parents, or one parent, or a sister, or a child, or a best friend who happens to be a dog, cherish them. If you are looking for a way to comfort someone who is going through something, try empathy. Empathy is one of those tricky skills that can be readily executed but requires self awareness. Replacing "I know how you're feeling" with "I can empathize with how you're feeling" can go a long way. The latter recognizes that you do not in fact know what another person is going through but that you want to provide comfort. The former says strips the mourning of their unique feelings and emotions and imposes the self.

One last imparting piece of advice, realize that sometimes mourning never ends. Mourning can be a lifetime process. So watch your words. Chose them wisely. You never know who you'll inadvertently alienate by saying the first thing that comes to mind.

Note: This post is all over the place, I know. I had lot's to say but I'm at work so gotta go.