It's 12:30 a.m. and I'm sitting up playing Wale's "Diary" on repeat... That can't be good right?
I just have a whole hell of a lot on my mind. Primarily... all the shit I've been through in relationships that's gotten me to this point of not wanting to be in one... at all. And how fucked up/unfair that is.
I used to think the ability to be as emotionally distant as a man was a gift bestowed on me as a reward for the dues I paid in my first couple of relationships - "I cupcake with no filling (read feeling)," or at least that's how I used to brag a year or so ago... I date with no expectation of commitment, I pick men up and put them down like toys, I've immersed myself into my budding career, in myself, in my family, in my friends, in the here and in the now.
Sometime last year however, I realized that my "gift" was actually a curse in disguise. To downplay it's extreme down side I thought of it as a spell that was meant to be broken when the right prince came along. However, I'm slowly starting to realize that even that assumption was tragically false.
I fear that I'm incapable of being that woman I once was. For better or for worse, I'm selfish, self-centered, distrusting (is that a word?), insensitive and all the other anti-girlfriend traits I picked up along the way and no matter how much I want to revert back to the naive, innocent girl I once was, it feels almost impossible to revert back (to give 75 percent of myself or perhaps just 50?) even in the presence of someone I actually have feelings for.
And I'm stuck in a paradox, at a crossroads, next door to a maze of emotions.
I've been trying not to think about it... let things happen the way they happen. But it's gotten to the point where it's become all consuming. I haven't been sleeping... blaming work... but it's really my own anxieties that's been keeping me up.
It's like I'm stuck in a hall of mirrors.. seeing myself for the first time, from different angles, through the eyes of others, each reflection more grotesque than the last... and I've been here so long that I'm starting to wonder if there's even a way out.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Guest Blogger: Dear Diary
I had to repost Kerry's post from my other blog because it really spoke to how I'm currently feeling.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Make it go away!!
Tell me I’m not alone. Tell me you have the same problem. Then I wouldn’t feel the need to continue to hide in shame, to keep this fact a secret. I have a crush. I’m not even sure it can still be called a crush. At one point we did date. We spent several months getting to know each other and everything I knew I liked. Then just like that, it ended. We parted on good terms and that’s the main problem. I honestly wish we would have had a big falling out, and then I could get over this.I suddenly had to find something to do with my feelings.
Soon after the parting, I found myself doing things I know I shouldn’t. Cardinal rules were constantly broken. I was the Facebook stalking, twitter feed reading, invisibly logging into Gchat just to see his name. Don't judge me. I mean I had it bad, real bad Joe Jackson. Finally after a few weeks (I’m lying it was more like 4 months) I started to get over him. My heart wouldn’t skip a beat when his name appeared on my caller ID or he would comment on my Facebook page. The butterflies wings stopped flapping and he was just another guy. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I continued to tell myself I was over him. Even after all of my friends continued to tell me the truth, I was and still am crushing on him.
I’m not trying to fight it anymore. I know what it is. It’s a crush. Because nothing can come from it. Don’t ask me why, just trust me it can’t. So I’m here to ask for the people who have secret unspoken crushes to please stand up.
Looks around for support…Will the real Silent Scorpion please stand up...
Soon after the parting, I found myself doing things I know I shouldn’t. Cardinal rules were constantly broken. I was the Facebook stalking, twitter feed reading, invisibly logging into Gchat just to see his name. Don't judge me. I mean I had it bad, real bad Joe Jackson. Finally after a few weeks (I’m lying it was more like 4 months) I started to get over him. My heart wouldn’t skip a beat when his name appeared on my caller ID or he would comment on my Facebook page. The butterflies wings stopped flapping and he was just another guy. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I continued to tell myself I was over him. Even after all of my friends continued to tell me the truth, I was and still am crushing on him.
I’m not trying to fight it anymore. I know what it is. It’s a crush. Because nothing can come from it. Don’t ask me why, just trust me it can’t. So I’m here to ask for the people who have secret unspoken crushes to please stand up.
Looks around for support…Will the real Silent Scorpion please stand up...
Friday, January 22, 2010
In My Inbox
4:04pm Guy: Can I call you later
I received this message from a guy I had met 3 days earlier. (Strike 1, why did it take him 3 days to contact me.) That 3 day rule is for kids, not adults. This message sounds innocent enough for most but it’s really loaded. If you haven’t noticed thus far, I require the men I date to have unapologetic confidence and an inflated sense of self. This message shows me he has neither. Instead of just calling when he was available, he sent me a text message to make sure I was still interested. Hello!! He was fine as hell; of course I’m going to answer. I never replied.
A few days later, he did call and actually left a voicemail. A few rounds of phone tag ensued until neither of us cared to respond.
----now I'm just being overly analytical for fun...
I received this message from a guy I had met 3 days earlier. (Strike 1, why did it take him 3 days to contact me.) That 3 day rule is for kids, not adults. This message sounds innocent enough for most but it’s really loaded. If you haven’t noticed thus far, I require the men I date to have unapologetic confidence and an inflated sense of self. This message shows me he has neither. Instead of just calling when he was available, he sent me a text message to make sure I was still interested. Hello!! He was fine as hell; of course I’m going to answer. I never replied.
A few days later, he did call and actually left a voicemail. A few rounds of phone tag ensued until neither of us cared to respond.
----now I'm just being overly analytical for fun...
Friday, January 15, 2010
One Night Only
I had no intention of dating while on a 4 day trip to New York this past weekend, but things kind of happened that way. I met Mr. One Night at a club and did something I never ever do. I was having such a great time, I was that girl boo'd up in the club. Mr. One Night had me at hello. It was the accent! I'm a sucker for most (not all) accents. Maybe it's because I can be sure they aren't from Cali.
I was walking by the bar and he whispered something is his sexy voice. I turned to him and said excuse me and he and me hooked immediately after. We got so deep into conversation that I didn't notice how much time had passed.
When I noticed Kerry & Grace were looking for me [seeing as I was hidden in a corner talking with Mr. One Night behind the bar] I quickly told him that I had to take them home immediately. Grace and Kerry were noticeably drunk but I had my eye on them most of the night. Mr. One Night asked me when I was leaving NY and said he wanted to take me out the following night. Seeing as I had already done the club and he was super cute, I gladly obliged.
Date Report Card: We always rate others but I thought it would be more interesting to add how I think I did. Especially considering this is something I always think about.
Punctuality
Him: A+ Me: F
When I called him the next day (I took his number) he was so excited to hear from me. We set up a time for him to pick me up (I was so glad he had a car because the subway system in NY is not my friend.) Unfortunately, a 30 minute train ride turned into a 2 hour excursion. He called me 20 minutes in advance when he was leaving Uptown to let me know he'd be on his way to Brooklyn and since I had no service I couldn't tell him to sit tight. So he waited over an hour at a friend's house. Ooops, my bad. I apologized vehemently throughout the night for my unusual tardiness.
Dress
Him: A+
Me: C-
Seeing as he had already been waiting an hour for me, I didn't want to make him wait any longer. So out I came in my tights, thermal and tall flat boots looking like I hadn't thought enough about him to dress up. I could tell that style was important to him because he constantly referenced my sheik look the night before.
Creativity
Him: Incomplete
Me: Incomplete
We didn't set up an actual plan and sometimes I like dates to be a by the whim adventure. I couldn't offer any advice since I don't live there. All I had to do was say I was hungry and he took care of the rest. He took me to a boutique café with a beautiful store front view but he also mentioned there weren't many other places open at midnight in the city. So, I don't really consider that to be creative.
Chivalry
Him: A
Me: A++
After scarfing down my delicious omelette, I offered to pick up the check. And by offer I mean, while we were talking I opened up my purse, pulled out my wallet, and placed my credit card on the table. You should have seen his face he was so shocked. I guess at 33 not a lot of women paid for their own meal. But, he didn't eat so I didn't really see the point in him paying for my meal. Mr. One Night said it was a 'very cute gesture' and insisted that I put my credit card away.
Chemistry
Him: A?
Me: B
You ever get the feeling someone is feeling you a lot more than you are feeling them. Well that's the vibe he was giving me. (It could also be that I'm not used to a guy being so expressive so soon.)
Mr. One Night is a really nice guy with a cute sense of humor. He got a lot of my jokes which is so important to me. I have a sort of dry wit and if you don't get it, you'll immediately bore me and I'll confuse you. He was a little more laid back than I'm used to and normally like, but that could also have to do with the fact that it was our first date.
Overall A-
He was so sweet and seemed so genuine but he lives in Toronto/New York and I'm a Cali girl. I've learned from my past, long distance just isn't for me. I knew going into it, that it was going to be a one night only. This may have hindered me really opening up but hey, it happens.
It's funny, because as soon as I got back to L.A. and told my sister about my date, she asked me when I was going to talk to him again. My response: "uhhh, when ever I'm on the East Coast."
I was walking by the bar and he whispered something is his sexy voice. I turned to him and said excuse me and he and me hooked immediately after. We got so deep into conversation that I didn't notice how much time had passed.
When I noticed Kerry & Grace were looking for me [seeing as I was hidden in a corner talking with Mr. One Night behind the bar] I quickly told him that I had to take them home immediately. Grace and Kerry were noticeably drunk but I had my eye on them most of the night. Mr. One Night asked me when I was leaving NY and said he wanted to take me out the following night. Seeing as I had already done the club and he was super cute, I gladly obliged.
Date Report Card: We always rate others but I thought it would be more interesting to add how I think I did. Especially considering this is something I always think about.
Punctuality
Him: A+ Me: F
When I called him the next day (I took his number) he was so excited to hear from me. We set up a time for him to pick me up (I was so glad he had a car because the subway system in NY is not my friend.) Unfortunately, a 30 minute train ride turned into a 2 hour excursion. He called me 20 minutes in advance when he was leaving Uptown to let me know he'd be on his way to Brooklyn and since I had no service I couldn't tell him to sit tight. So he waited over an hour at a friend's house. Ooops, my bad. I apologized vehemently throughout the night for my unusual tardiness.
Dress
Him: A+
Me: C-
Seeing as he had already been waiting an hour for me, I didn't want to make him wait any longer. So out I came in my tights, thermal and tall flat boots looking like I hadn't thought enough about him to dress up. I could tell that style was important to him because he constantly referenced my sheik look the night before.
Creativity
Him: Incomplete
Me: Incomplete
We didn't set up an actual plan and sometimes I like dates to be a by the whim adventure. I couldn't offer any advice since I don't live there. All I had to do was say I was hungry and he took care of the rest. He took me to a boutique café with a beautiful store front view but he also mentioned there weren't many other places open at midnight in the city. So, I don't really consider that to be creative.
Chivalry
Him: A
Me: A++
After scarfing down my delicious omelette, I offered to pick up the check. And by offer I mean, while we were talking I opened up my purse, pulled out my wallet, and placed my credit card on the table. You should have seen his face he was so shocked. I guess at 33 not a lot of women paid for their own meal. But, he didn't eat so I didn't really see the point in him paying for my meal. Mr. One Night said it was a 'very cute gesture' and insisted that I put my credit card away.
Chemistry
Him: A?
Me: B
You ever get the feeling someone is feeling you a lot more than you are feeling them. Well that's the vibe he was giving me. (It could also be that I'm not used to a guy being so expressive so soon.)
Mr. One Night is a really nice guy with a cute sense of humor. He got a lot of my jokes which is so important to me. I have a sort of dry wit and if you don't get it, you'll immediately bore me and I'll confuse you. He was a little more laid back than I'm used to and normally like, but that could also have to do with the fact that it was our first date.
Overall A-
He was so sweet and seemed so genuine but he lives in Toronto/New York and I'm a Cali girl. I've learned from my past, long distance just isn't for me. I knew going into it, that it was going to be a one night only. This may have hindered me really opening up but hey, it happens.
It's funny, because as soon as I got back to L.A. and told my sister about my date, she asked me when I was going to talk to him again. My response: "uhhh, when ever I'm on the East Coast."
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