I Never Wanted a Traditional Wedding

Silent Scorpion: The Serial Dater's official time of death was Saturday, July 5, 2015. It happened when I met and fell in love with my now fiance on a rooftop in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is also where we're going to celebrate our union with a small (and I mean small) number of family and friends. The day will not include a ceremony. This has been a point of contention with everyone around me who's projections run a muck when having a conversation about my wedding.

"YOU'RE NOT HAVING A CEREMONY???!!! WHYYYY?!!"

Short Answer: I've never wanted a traditional wedding.

Pauses for gasps.

Long Answer: I have never dreamed about a wedding. I've dreamed about being married and having a husband but I never had a desire to walk down the aisle in front of family and friends. I am excited to be there for the people I love and participate in traditional weddings, but anyone who truly knows me, knows I have never had the desire to have one of my own. A few friends of mine commented that they wouldn't be surprised if I eloped and trust me, we came pretty close.

I struggle with how to respond to people who project their own feelings onto me. Projection has been something people around me have struggled with all my life. Because of who I am and how I grew up, I just see things differently. For me, weddings are mostly for families. Many young girls have their father, or other family member walk them down the aisle. They have their first dance with a parent. They spend a lot of the wedding worried about how a family might embarrass them by getting drunk or dancing with friends. They probably get a sizable donation to the costs related to the wedding because those same parents have also been dreaming of this day for years. I don't have any of that because I don't have any family in the traditional sense. I have my sisters, my nephew and my aunt. All of them will be with me when I do get married; at the Manhattan courthouse. The way I have always dreamed of.

If I never had a reception, I wouldn't regret it. I am having one because my fiance and I decided we wanted to and at this point, I am excited about the party. We're paying for the entire thing on our own so we had to be very mindful of who we invited. Truth is, I could skip out on all of it and be happy to know that I'm still going to be his Mrs.

I hate when people say, "You're going to regret it if you don't do anything!" First of all, no I won't. Second of all, your projection is exhausting. Seriously, I never ask for people's opinions on my life but they are constantly inserting themselves.

It's so interesting (also read annoying), that I have to spend my life explaining to people why I don't currently celebrate Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.

I really do wish people would be more mindful about what comes out of their mouth.

I wish people stopped projecting.

I am excited about my courthouse 'wedding'.

I am also excited about the non traditional reception that will follow the next day.

I'm so happy I found someone who is as non-traditional as I am so we can be have our non-traditional celebration together.

The Death of the Silent Scorpion: The Serial Dater

I need to write this post. She's been dead and gone for almost 4 years now but first, I need to write about something else. That's coming up next.

Someone stole $989

Last Friday, I woke up and logged into my checking account and was surprised by what I saw. I struggled to remember if I had forgotten that a large bill was going to clear that day or if my eyes were deceiving me. My checking account was almost $1000 short and I had no idea why. I clicked on my account and realized a check for $989 had been cleared.

WHO THE FCK IS KIMBERLY E. WELCH?!!!

I gathered my composure and called my bank almost in tears.

I was the victim of check fraud.

Bastards.

More than anything, I was annoyed with the hassle of having to call my bank first thing in the morning. For having to close my checking account immediately. For the entire ordeal making me late to work.

On my way to the office I found my thoughts changing to concern for Kimberly E. Welch. Maybe she needed to feed her starving kids. Maybe rent was due and this was her last resort. The check she used was over 10 years old. I remember forgetting them in an old apartment years ago but not having the sense enough to cancel the checks when I realized what had happened. Kimberly E. Welch must have held on to those checks until she had no other options.

By lunch time I was in tears...again. This checking account had sentimental value for me. It was the account I opened to deposit the inheritance my mother left me after she passed. I had had it for almost 16 years at the point and just like that I had to close it. Seeing the reminder from my bank that it was going to be wiped clean and permanently removed from my online account hits me hard every I login to my online account. 

Even after all of that, I'm still not mad. Sad yes but mad no. I had enough money in my checking account to survive the weekend. My bank deposited the money back into my account Monday. I have enough money to not need that $989 at that moment so it really was just money. Money I knew I'd get right back.

I applaud myself for not wishing ill on Kimberly E. Welch. I recognize that the SS from 5 years ago would have been LIVID. She would have spent countless moments wasting her breath on what had happened. She would not have been able to move on from this encounter for days. She wouldn't have been able to let the anger go so quickly. But, this SS wishes Kimberly E. Welch well and hopes she does not 'Choke on a bone' paid for with my money. Nope.

I hope she enjoys a great medium steak; $989 dollars worth.

None of this will make any sense

Father's Day has come and gone and this motherfucker has decided now is the time to call my cellphone. I buried my father 20 years ago. Til this day he's alive and breathing. I know this because I decided to look up this information myself. Yup, he's still kickin.

Over the past several months, he decided he wanted to speak with me. He called my work phone. I unknowingly answered. Asshole! I felt disgusted when I heard his voice and hung up. I've gotten to a point where I tried to forget he existed and moved on. Now he's gotten ahold of my cellphone. That's fine. I have an answer for that. Block! Go away sir. Please pretend that you have no female offspring, the same way I have pretended I have no father for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!

I remember several years ago I was dating a nice young gentleman, and he decided it was in his power and right, to tell me how to deal with this man. Little did he know, that played a large part in why we stopped speaking. The gaul of someone who has no dog in the fight, thinking they have the right to tell me how to react. I remember how I felt in that moment.

I didn't feel supported.
I felt judged.
I was so damn annoyed.

Fast forward to the response from my man, my partner in everything when I told him I don't fuck with this man. I didn't give him any details. All I said was, "fuck him!" His response: "FUCK HIM!" YESSSS!!!! Clearly that's my forever boo.

As I said, none of this will make any sense...to you. But when I sober up, I'll look over to my partner, and give him the biggest hug and kiss because he makes me feel so supported. So loved. So understood. So free

To the asshole who donated his sperm, FUCK YOU! STOP CALLING! It's never ever going to happen.

To the man that makes me feel live unapologetically, I love the shit out of you.

This doesn't make any sense.

Currently Reading: Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes

A couple weeks ago I needed a book for my 20+ flight to Thailand. I quickly spotted a familiar name in the airport bookstore and was excited to support #blackgirlmagic. (I was almost deterred by handsome ass Trevor Noah on the cover of his book but that price-tag, no ma'am. Not on that day)

I'm almost at the end of 'Year of Yes' and I felt compelled to share one of the many gems that fill it's pages. Not only for me but anyone who can find solace in her words:

We all spend our lives trying to follow the same path, live by the same rules.
I think we believe that happiness lies in following the same list of rules.
In being more like everyone else.
That? Is wrong.
There is no list of rules.
There is one rule.
The rule is: there are no rules.
Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be. 

 Living my happy life with one rule.

I don't like Christmas yet

I want to. Everyone else does. But this time of year is the hardest time for me. It's weird, I'm fine on my mothers' birthday in September. Honestly I sometimes forget her birthday even though it's tattooed on my rib cage. A couple days after Thanksgiving however I remember Her voice, the call, the terror, the anger, and confusion. 

Poinsettias, bright lights, joyous friends and families begin to engulf my usually quiet life. I do my best to fall in line. I've even made my apartment a muted winter wonderland. But I am not as joyous as I may seem and feel like I have to be. I could have used the word 'passing' instead of 'death' huh. But it's too pretty of a word to describe how I'm currently feeling. I'm ready for the month to be over. Over the past year I've become a lot more honest and open with my feelings. The good and the bad. On one hand, its wonderful for some of my relationships and has brought me closer to some people in my life. On the other hand I've always suppressed and continue to suppress a lot of feelings I have about what happened in 2002. I've worked through some with a therapist but I coined the mantra, time does NOT heal all wounds. 

Today I was having a wonderful time hanging out with friends watching football. My fantasy team was pulling ahead in this weeks match up. My tummy was full of cookies and good baked ziti. A little time passed after my friends' fiancé put on Christmas music and it happened. Tears and tears and tears. After some probing, my friends found out I needed them to turn the Christmas music off. While I want to continue to have the opportunity to participate in the holiday and hang out with friends, I've never gotten over the last Christmas with my mother. She had a stroke at work 3 days prior. The doctor told us that she would recover so I was selfishly annoyed that I had to go to the hospital on Christmas Day instead of eating a home cooked meal. What a selfish brat I was. Little did I know what would happen just two days later. 

I truly hope that one day I can feel joy when this time of year comes around. I know I'll have to for my future kids (who will know that EYE paid for all those wonderful gifts, not some fictional white man). 

But for now, I still don't like Christmas yet. 

I Did Get the Job: A Lesson in Patience

Earlier this year, I kicked myself for not applying to this position. I then went on to apply to several other positions at NYU and wasn't truly sure about how I would fit the culture of the office. Could I do the job? Hell yeah. Would I fit in? Ummmm....

When the Associate Director position opened up in my College, I applied right away and then told no one. I knew I would fit the culture, because I've worked here for the past two years. My normal routine was to tell CT, my little sister and my two best friends about my journey to a road that seemed to always end with no job offer. This time I decided to keep most of the journey to myself. That was until I couldn't hold it any longer. I talk to CT every night and tell him everything going on in my life, so there was no way I could or wanted to hide it from him. I interviewed and discussed my fears of rejection.  I obsessed over every detail of  the process. He listened and continued being the supportive partner I've come to love. After my interviews were over and I had a good feeling I would get the offer, I began sharing with my friends about the opportunity.

After several weeks, the offer finally came late Wednesday afternoon. I was filled with elation that I in fact got the offer and the salary requested.  I was both surprised and disappointed. I didn't have to negotiate because they readily approved my salary request as fair compensation for the new role. I had all of my bullet points ready. I deserve this salary because x, y, z AND a, b, c. My college has known to be a little tight with the purse, but not for me. Not this time. So accepting the offer was a no brainer.

I've spent the last few days doing my current role, training my replacement and actually doing my job. Needless to say, at times I'm a bit overwhelmed. Luckily, I'm too organized and busy to be stressed about any of it. I've been inundated with supportive emails from my colleagues and faculty members who I will be working closely with in my new role as Associate Director. This post is me taking a second to reflect. I graduated just 2 years ago and became an Assistant Director. Just two short years later, I am an Associate.

The email below I just received from a faculty member drove my excitement and gratefulness to another level. It really made me take a second and say, yes this is a great promotional opportunity with a lot of responsibility, but I can do this:

"On one hand, I am sad you are leaving your current position.  I think you are such a fabulous role model during our recruitment open houses. If I were visiting NYU as a potential applicant, I would want to sign up on the spot because I would want to grow up to be like you.

However, I am so happy because you will do a wonderful job as Associate Director, and you are joining our little encove . We have a wonderful group."

OK my me time is up, back to my 3 jobs I go.

Update: A student I assisted also emailed me:

"Congratulations on your promotion. You might not remember the impact you had on my transitioning from high school to college but I am so thankful that you were there to help me last year with all of my many questions and help me transition my credits. May GOD bless you in all that you do, and may you receive many more promotions. Thank you for everything. "