Life is just complex simplicity

My all time favorite song for more reasons than one is Teedra Moses' Complex Simplicity:


Life is just complex simplicity
Thug it out..
Everybody's worried bout tomorrow
Will they see tomorrowI'm just tryna get mine off today
Mama said tomorrow ain't promised
So I'm tryna live like it's my very last day

You can't spend your life
Being in fear of all that may be
You gotta press on, you gotta be free
You gotta breatheInhale, exhale, come on
Bounce with me tonight
Get low with me tonight
Put the choke up in the sky
Wave your glasses high cause
We ain't got no choice but to party
Party it all away
We're gonna party for brighter days
Party cause everyday's
Gonna be alright

Everybody's worried bout the negative
Lookin at the worst of things
I'm just tryna celebrate my life
Mama said be young while you can be young
Life only gets rougher
I'm just tryna keep my youth alive
I won't be held down
With all the things that happened in the past
Daddy, he wasn't there
Mama, she's gone nowI gotta be grown
I need you to hold me down

Bounce with me tonight
Get low with me tonight
Put the choke up in the sky
Wave your glasses high cause
We ain't got no choice but to party
Party it all away
We're gonna party for brighter days
Party cause everyday's
Gonna be alright

Party all night
Don't let it get you down
It's just life

Bounce with me tonight
Get low with me tonight
Put the choke up in the sky
Wave your glasses high cause
We ain't got no choice but to party
Party it all away
We're gonna party for brighter days
Party cause everyday'sGonna be alright

Why it's okay not to ask for my number

After several conversations with some of my male and female friends, I stumbled across this here fable. I've found that guys think they are required to ask for a young ladies phone number at the end of a lengthy conversations.  Well, I am here to debunk this myth and let you know the reason's why it's better to end with "it was nice meeting you" and a handshake instead of requesting a number you're not going to use.

1. "It was nice meeting you" vs "I look forward to hearing from you".

The two may both seem like nice endings to a conversation but if I end with the former instead of the latter, I'm not all that interested. It was nice meeting you for the moment but if I never heard from you for the rest of my life, I'd be just fine. The last time a guy told me "it was nice meeting you" was at the end of a very blah date. Both of us should have ended the date much sooner than we did, but we were cordial and saw it to the end. The end of our last drink. He beat me to the punch but we were on the same page so I was cool.

If I tell you "I look forward to hearing from you" after I've given you my number it means just that. I expect a phone call. I know sometimes women who aren't interested will give a guy their number because they believe it is the nice but not all women do this. I do onto others as I want done on to me (more on that at another time).

2. If you take my number and I'm remotely interested, I expect a phone call or text message. within the next 3 days. 

Unless you're leaving the country within that time frame, there is no need to babysit my number. It does not make you seem more appealing. A man who is slow to call me is likely not that interested. Which is fine but I noticed and until we go out that's all I know about you.

It's crazy to think that a woman wants to hear from a man she gives her number to (read: sarcasm), but yes I am expecting it. It may seem uncomfortable to you to end a conversation with an attractive young lady with a handshake but trust me when I say she'd prefer that handshake over you taking her number and not calling.

3. You don't have to ask for my number.
I know it seems awkward but trust me you don't. I don't know you and you don't know me. I have absolutely zero expectations during this initial interaction except that you will be pleasant. As long as you've done that, then you can keep it pushing.

I have a feeling some men needed to read this. They feel like they have to request the number because they have just spent 20 minutes occupying our space, but I am here to let you know, you don't.

Take my hand, shake it and walk away.

You're welcome.

Note: This does not apply to the men who initially were interest but lost interest somewhere along the way or simply forgot. Shit happens.

Followup post for why women shouldn't give out their numbers when they aren't interested is coming fellas. I know the game.

Telling It Like It Is: Why Are We Single?

Just a few minutes ago I was having a conversation on Google Chat with one of my girlfriends (hey boo!) and she asked the question we've been asking back and forth for some months now.

Usually I reply with "idk" but today was different. I can be pretty blunt with other people so it's time I was real with myself and her:

me

i want to say idk

but I wont

we're single because we don't put ourselves out there

because we're waiting for prince charming instead of taking him

we ignore what's infront of us and wait for something "better"

we give our precious time to ninjas who don't deserve a second glance

even when we know they aint 

shit [ninjas]

we make excuses for harboring feelings for our exes who should have been forgotten a long time ago

we aren't victims of anything but ourselves

drops mic

 The question is now that I've put it all out there, what am I going to do differently.

It's time for a CHANGE...stay tuned

After the Storm

Earlier this summer I was thinking about moving to some of the neighborhoods in Brooklyn that were flooded and without power after the storm. Ultimately I decided to give Harlem at least one more year and I am so happy that I did.I am blessed to say that I have survived hurricane Sandy without missing a beat. Part of me feels a bit guilty for celebrating my birthday this past weekend while others who aren't too far from me were without power, hot water and heat. The images I've seen on my news screen and stories I've been hearing about those killed during the storm strongly resonate with me. I keep thinking, "it could have been me."

Besides being a little stir crazy, I was resourceful and spent a lot of time with friends and family. I did my best to show my sister the good parts of New York but made sure to include those parts affected by the storm. We witnessed police doing their best to keep peace at a gas station in Queens. We saw tape at some train stations in Manhattan. She was even robbed in Brooklyn while we were at a cafe. Don't be alarmed. She forgot her purse in the restroom and luckily the assailant only took the little bit of cash she had.

As I attempt to resume a normal life, I could easily go on without thinking about those still suffering. The social worker in me will not let this happen. I've been looking for volunteer opportunities and funds I can donate to now that I am able to devote more time. I won't forget what Sandy has done to my city, event hough the storm has passed.

_________________________

Information about Volunteer Opportunities

http://www.nyu.edu/life/student-life/nyu-service/hurricane-sandy-relief.html

http://www.nyredcross.org/?nd=news_room_detail&news_id=606&jid=63321

http://www.nycservice.org/index.html

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/hurricane-recovery-and-volunteer-resources/

http://www.timeout.com/newyork/own-this-city-blog/how-to-help-in-new-york-city-after-hurricane-sandy?promoAllowOnce=1

FEDERAL EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT ASSISTANCE (“FEMA”):

Individuals may have suffered losses that make them eligible for FEMA assistance. 

Individuals can:

Apply online anytime at www.disasterassistance.gov

Call 800-621-FEMA (3362) or TTY at 800-462-7585. These are toll-free numbers operating from 7:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. seven days a week until further notice. Multilingual operators are available.

Through smartphone or tablet, use m.fema.gov/. If an Android system is being used, a FEMA App can be downloaded at market.android.com/details?id=gov.fema.mobile.android

Once you apply, a nine-digit registration number will be utilized for future communications with FEMA.

Applicants should have the following info when applying:

• current telephone number
• address at time of disaster and current address
• social security number
• general list of damages and losses
• If insured -- company name, agent and policy number
• Bank routing number for any direct deposit

Individuals can also go to www.governor.ny.gov and find out more about the Hurricane Sandy application procedures and information.

If I Knew Then

I would have done some things differently. I would have said some things that I was feeling. I might have spoken up a bit less. I may have rephrased my stream of thoughts. I may have spent more time at home. I may have spent more time away.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be where I am now, which is where I'm supposed to be. So I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. But I will take this new information and do things differently, in the future.

Because, you never know.

In Search of a Spiritual Home

Ever since I moved to New York, I’ve found myself unsuccessfully searching for an east coast spiritual home.  I’m not sure if it’s because I love my church so much or that I am honestly not ready to add a 2-hour service plus commute to my Sunday mornings. My schedule is already jam packed with work, training and school but I feel this is something that I need to make time for. There is something about having a place to release all of the negative energy placed in my path during a 7-day period that is uplifting and rewarding.

Unfortunately, yesterday’s experience was nothing I plan on repeating. The pastor was far from charismatic, the audience reminded me of an Arsenio Hall studio with their incessant “woot, woot, woot,” and the 4-person choir did not make me feel like getting out of my sit and shouting His name. No sir, that was not my cup of tea.

I know once I find what I’m looking for, I will be that much more excited about Sunday mornings. I will continue to enter each new service with an open heart and mind. I pray that I find what it is I’m looking for soon because after attending 6 different services and wanting to leave midway through most of them, I need a place to call my east coast spiritual home. I'm open to suggestions by the way, so if anyone knows of a church in Harlem that skips the hoopla and delivers the word in a captivating way drop me a note in the comment section.

A Moment of Vulnerabilty

The concept of vulnerability is pretty foreign for me. Over the years I've created an impenetrable barrier in an effort to deal with all of the bullshit thrown my way. I've always felt like having this barrier is the reason I have been able accomplished so much in the face of adversity. My 27 years on this earth have been cluttered with road blocks and obstacles. I am one tough cookie and have managed to break though each barrier with tenacity and courage. Yeah I know I'm bad right.

Unfortunately, I have recently recognized (read: I realized this more than 5 years ago but am only recently making efforts to change) how it has adversely affected my love life.  Having a relationship with me is no easy fete. I'm hard headed, smart-mouthed and getting me to believe I am not right about anything is damn near impossible.

I barely ask anyone for help because I am so used to doing everything on my own. I am aware that others are willing to help but feel that it is best not to be a burden to others. Did you catch that,  even I know it wouldn't necessarily be a burden but burden is the first word that comes to my mind when thinking of asking others for help. I've had friends make it very clear that they want to help and I'd shoot them down immediate.

Over the past few months I've been making a conscious effort to change my ways. My steps may be small but boy do they feel like I'm going in the right direction.  For example, yesterday I was walking from the neighborhood grocery store to my house with several heavy bags. I couldn't hide the fact that these bags were far too heavy for me to even attempt walking 2 steps let alone 0.5 miles to my apartment. I struggled to balance these heavy bags in my hands as I slugged down my block. A young gentleman approached me and asked if I needed help.

Normally I would have flashed a smile and turned down the gracious offer. Later I'd have to ice my back for an hour or so dut to the strain caused by carrying half a ton of groceries.  Instead I remember the promise I had made to myself about my new practice. I flashed a smile and thanked the gentleman for stopping while handing over half of the load. After he carried my bags to my apartment I emphatically thanked him for his generosity. I allowed myself to be vulnerable for a minute to a stranger when I was so clearly and desperately in need. While I still won't be quick to ask for help, I also won't be too quick to turn it down either.

Another adjustment I am making in an effort to allow myself to be vulnerable is to cut back on my sarcasm. [insert readers large gasp followed by a unison exclamation "But Silent, we love your sarcasm!"] I said cut back not cut out! There's no way I can or want to change who I am entirely. I do however want to offend less, push away less and overall get my point across more. I've always said my personality is one that takes getting used to however, there are some parts that can easily be well...adjusted. A part of moving in the right direction will require me to also be more cognizant of tone and delivery. My use of sarcasm has been a defense mechanism for far too long. While at times I find myself pretty damn funny, I also know sometimes I'm covering up my true feelings with these snide remarks.

I've been doing this more over the last few weeks and oh boy is this work. After an all out 1 hour long debate a few weeks ago with a group of my closest drunk New York friends, I knew something had to give. I'm glad my friends were able to speak to me in a manner that made me reflective instead of defensive.

So sometimes before I send a text, I read it aloud to myself. Before I blurt out my first reaction, I say the comment to myself first. This is going to be challenging and I am thankful for my friends who are here to support. I am especially thankful to friends who have let me know when I've changed too much. Thanks to those who have said, "Silent, can you give me your first reaction to my story because I know that aint it!"