You're NOT Getting a V-DAY present

The trouble with Valentine's Day is, some undeserving women put pressure on men they are dating just fucking. They confuse dating with casual sex. Some of these females feel the need to start defining relationships that were working fine for the past few casual months. Men are expected to spend waste money on teddy bears, chocolate and jewelry.

I know Valentines day is this weekend and for those of you in the early stage of dating your new partner, you may be wondering what you are getting (probably don't deserve.) I want to clarify some parameters for you jumpoffs/booty calls/side chicks who unfortunately don't understand they are NOT getting a present. Here are my Top 5 Jump off identifiers:

1. If he only texts you and then comes over. You don't know his schedule but he knows yours. So he knows when you're going to be home and hits you up only on those occasions. Stop telling your girls about this great man you are seeing because his friends don't know you by name, instead they all know you live on Queen Street because that is how he lets his boys know he is getting some.

2. If he leaves before you wake. If you're not sure what his morning breathe smells like, its because you aren't important enough to wake up next to. He'd rather be at home in his bed than to wake up in yours. The reason he is always coming to your place is because he has away game advantage. He can come and go as he pleases.

3. He gets pissed when you show up unannounced. Now I know when I showed up without calling my ex to treat him to a night of fun at his place, he was more than happy to see me BUT this is a technical foul in the realm of jumpoffs. Stay in your lane. You cannot come to his house unannounced and you will not be getting a present.

4. If he takes you out in public, it's only to these great places outside the city. Sorry boo, you're a jump off. First off, we're in a recession, why is it so important to see this movie 30 miles away from where ya'll both live. Because he "loves" that theater? No hun, its because he doesn't want his main girl's friends to see him out with you.

5. He wants to keep your relationship "secret," because he's a private person. How do you expect a Valentine's gift when none of your friends are supposed to know you're dating. Since he has held this over your head for so long, he doesn't have to worry about your girls dogging him out, because technically he isn't dating you. Yall are just "special friends."

Honorable Mention: He won't kiss you before, during or after sex and he disappears when you are on you period.

Remember what Joe Budden said: "My Jump Off never has me going out of my way, and she don't want nothing on Valentines Day." Valentine's Day is not your time to shine. Its your time to be available in case the main chick is too tired to give him what he wants. This is not your day to be expecting gifts or any special treatment. Your "relationship" has been working just fine, keep it that way. Know now that Valentine's Day is not going to be reserved for you. If he does see you on February 14, the only thing he will be carrying is a wrapped condom.

P.s. These same rules apply for birthdays and Christmas.

Friday Rant

Meeting men is just like getting a new toy on Christmas. When I first get it, I’m so excited. I want to learn everything about it and finding out new functions and accessories it has excites me. I’ll pick it up everyday because it keeps me entertained and interested. As long as its fun, I'll pick it up out the toy bin and play with it. But by the time February comes around, I’m done playing with that toy; maybe I found a new toy, broke the old one or it wasn’t as fun anymore. If that toy has done nothing over the past couple months to make it stand out from the rest, I’ll toss it in my bin. I won't pick it up again until I’m bored and want to play with it or I’ll throw it out because it’s taking up valuable space.

At this point, I am not looking for any new toys. My bin is completely empty. I’m okay with just playing by myself.

Never Truly Single

Do you hear that?

Listen closely.

Isn't it lovely.

"But Silent I don't hear anything."

Exactly! Its a sound I haven't heard in a very long time. Its called silence. Tonight I haven't received one phone call, text message, BBM (Blackberry Message,) Email, AIM or DM (on my twitter account) from a guy I'm stringing along dating.

I just had an epiphany. I am single. I mean truly single. I know you're thinking duh bitch of course you're single. Isn't that the premise of this men hating blog. Let me tell you that this is the first time I'm truly single.

Usually when I say I'm single, I'm lying it means I'm still dating several people. That if I'm bored, lonely, hungry horny I have someone to call with whom I have some interest and who probably wants more than the occasional and infrequent returned call. I've always had someone around. Someone I could call when I'm feeling lonely. Someone I could call if I need a laugh or a hug. There's the guy I ran to when everything was going wrong. Then there's the one I went to when things were right.

I noticed this vicious cycle of recycling men. The reason they stay around for so long is because I never let them get too close. It must be the mystery of wondering why they can't get close that allows me to disappear from their lives for months on end, and reappear without much of an explanation as to what happened to me. Being wanted and feeling desired is something I've never struggled with. [Insert "damn you cocky" thought here.] But its the truth, finding and pimpin keeping a capable male suitor is easy.

Take New Years for instance, which was less than 30 days ago. I was trying to figure out which of the 3 fine black men I was gonna take to my friends New Years Eve party. Luckily for me everything turned out like roses. What could have been a very difficult conversation with an unlucky two, turned into a happy ending for all parties involved. I could have kept things going with all of them, but I lost interest once I realized I wasn't seriously interested in any. I decided to do something I've never done. I let them go without having a new guy to replace them.

I told them: "We should just be friends," "I'm not ready for a relationship," and "Please leave a message after the tone."

This feels great. Not worrying about whose favorite artist is coming to town, which guy had which horrific day at work, etc has me floating on cloud 16. I'm truly single. In every sense of the word. I feel like I'm on vacation in the Caribbean far away from the craziness that was recently my dating life. Just pass me my Virgin Pina Colada, sun block and tinted shades, I need some Silent time.

Guest Blogger: Dear Diary

I had to repost Kerry's post from my other blog because it really spoke to how I'm currently feeling.

It's 12:30 a.m. and I'm sitting up playing Wale's "Diary" on repeat... That can't be good right?

I just have a whole hell of a lot on my mind. Primarily... all the shit I've been through in relationships that's gotten me to this point of not wanting to be in one... at all. And how fucked up/unfair that is.

I used to think the ability to be as emotionally distant as a man was a gift bestowed on me as a reward for the dues I paid in my first couple of relationships - "I cupcake with no filling (read feeling)," or at least that's how I used to brag a year or so ago... I date with no expectation of commitment, I pick men up and put them down like toys, I've immersed myself into my budding career, in myself, in my family, in my friends, in the here and in the now.

Sometime last year however, I realized that my "gift" was actually a curse in disguise. To downplay it's extreme down side I thought of it as a spell that was meant to be broken when the right prince came along. However, I'm slowly starting to realize that even that assumption was tragically false.

I fear that I'm incapable of being that woman I once was. For better or for worse, I'm selfish, self-centered, distrusting (is that a word?), insensitive and all the other anti-girlfriend traits I picked up along the way and no matter how much I want to revert back to the naive, innocent girl I once was, it feels almost impossible to revert back (to give 75 percent of myself or perhaps just 50?) even in the presence of someone I actually have feelings for.

And I'm stuck in a paradox, at a crossroads, next door to a maze of emotions.

I've been trying not to think about it... let things happen the way they happen. But it's gotten to the point where it's become all consuming. I haven't been sleeping... blaming work... but it's really my own anxieties that's been keeping me up.

It's like I'm stuck in a hall of mirrors.. seeing myself for the first time, from different angles, through the eyes of others, each reflection more grotesque than the last... and I've been here so long that I'm starting to wonder if there's even a way out.

Make it go away!!

Tell me I’m not alone. Tell me you have the same problem. Then I wouldn’t feel the need to continue to hide in shame, to keep this fact a secret. I have a crush. I’m not even sure it can still be called a crush. At one point we did date. We spent several months getting to know each other and everything I knew I liked. Then just like that, it ended. We parted on good terms and that’s the main problem. I honestly wish we would have had a big falling out, and then I could get over this.I suddenly had to find something to do with my feelings.

Soon after the parting, I found myself doing things I know I shouldn’t. Cardinal rules were constantly broken. I was the Facebook stalking, twitter feed reading, invisibly logging into Gchat just to see his name. Don't judge me. I mean I had it bad, real bad Joe Jackson. Finally after a few weeks (I’m lying it was more like 4 months) I started to get over him. My heart wouldn’t skip a beat when his name appeared on my caller ID or he would comment on my Facebook page. The butterflies wings stopped flapping and he was just another guy. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I continued to tell myself I was over him. Even after all of my friends continued to tell me the truth, I was and still am crushing on him.

I’m not trying to fight it anymore. I know what it is. It’s a crush. Because nothing can come from it. Don’t ask me why, just trust me it can’t. So I’m here to ask for the people who have secret unspoken crushes to please stand up.

Looks around for support…Will the real Silent Scorpion please stand up...

In My Inbox

4:04pm Guy: Can I call you later

I received this message from a guy I had met 3 days earlier. (Strike 1, why did it take him 3 days to contact me.) That 3 day rule is for kids, not adults. This message sounds innocent enough for most but it’s really loaded. If you haven’t noticed thus far, I require the men I date to have unapologetic confidence and an inflated sense of self. This message shows me he has neither. Instead of just calling when he was available, he sent me a text message to make sure I was still interested. Hello!! He was fine as hell; of course I’m going to answer. I never replied.

A few days later, he did call and actually left a voicemail. A few rounds of phone tag ensued until neither of us cared to respond.

----now I'm just being overly analytical for fun...

One Night Only

I had no intention of dating while on a 4 day trip to New York this past weekend, but things kind of happened that way. I met Mr. One Night at a club and did something I never ever do. I was having such a great time, I was that girl boo'd up in the club. Mr. One Night had me at hello. It was the accent! I'm a sucker for most (not all) accents. Maybe it's because I can be sure they aren't from Cali.

I was walking by the bar and he whispered something is his sexy voice. I turned to him and said excuse me and he and me hooked immediately after. We got so deep into conversation that I didn't notice how much time had passed.

When I noticed Kerry & Grace were looking for me [seeing as I was hidden in a corner talking with Mr. One Night behind the bar] I quickly told him that I had to take them home immediately. Grace and Kerry were noticeably drunk but I had my eye on them most of the night. Mr. One Night asked me when I was leaving NY and said he wanted to take me out the following night. Seeing as I had already done the club and he was super cute, I gladly obliged.

Date Report Card: We always rate others but I thought it would be more interesting to add how I think I did. Especially considering this is something I always think about.



Punctuality

Him: A+ Me: F

When I called him the next day (I took his number) he was so excited to hear from me. We set up a time for him to pick me up (I was so glad he had a car because the subway system in NY is not my friend.) Unfortunately, a 30 minute train ride turned into a 2 hour excursion. He called me 20 minutes in advance when he was leaving Uptown to let me know he'd be on his way to Brooklyn and since I had no service I couldn't tell him to sit tight. So he waited over an hour at a friend's house. Ooops, my bad. I apologized vehemently throughout the night for my unusual tardiness.

Dress

Him: A+

Me: C-

Seeing as he had already been waiting an hour for me, I didn't want to make him wait any longer. So out I came in my tights, thermal and tall flat boots looking like I hadn't thought enough about him to dress up. I could tell that style was important to him because he constantly referenced my sheik look the night before.

Creativity

Him: Incomplete

Me: Incomplete

We didn't set up an actual plan and sometimes I like dates to be a by the whim adventure. I couldn't offer any advice since I don't live there. All I had to do was say I was hungry and he took care of the rest. He took me to a boutique café with a beautiful store front view but he also mentioned there weren't many other places open at midnight in the city. So, I don't really consider that to be creative.

Chivalry

Him: A

Me: A++

After scarfing down my delicious omelette, I offered to pick up the check. And by offer I mean, while we were talking I opened up my purse, pulled out my wallet, and placed my credit card on the table. You should have seen his face he was so shocked. I guess at 33 not a lot of women paid for their own meal. But, he didn't eat so I didn't really see the point in him paying for my meal. Mr. One Night said it was a 'very cute gesture' and insisted that I put my credit card away.

Chemistry

Him: A?

Me: B

You ever get the feeling someone is feeling you a lot more than you are feeling them. Well that's the vibe he was giving me. (It could also be that I'm not used to a guy being so expressive so soon.)

Mr. One Night is a really nice guy with a cute sense of humor. He got a lot of my jokes which is so important to me. I have a sort of dry wit and if you don't get it, you'll immediately bore me and I'll confuse you. He was a little more laid back than I'm used to and normally like, but that could also have to do with the fact that it was our first date.

Overall A-

He was so sweet and seemed so genuine but he lives in Toronto/New York and I'm a Cali girl. I've learned from my past, long distance just isn't for me. I knew going into it, that it was going to be a one night only. This may have hindered me really opening up but hey, it happens.

It's funny, because as soon as I got back to L.A. and told my sister about my date, she asked me when I was going to talk to him again. My response: "uhhh, when ever I'm on the East Coast."